Advice on adopting current foster child

krisskross · 05-30-2008, 08:26 PM

I have had a pre-teen/teenage girl with us for the past 2 years now. I would love to adopt her but at the same time I think that I might be getting in over my head. She has pretty much failed the entire year in school. She just does not do the work. I would even sit with her to help her with any problems she has but then she would not even turn it in. I try to punish her in different ways to see what works but nothing does. She continually lies to my face. I have pretty much told the county that we would adopt her but now I am second guessing that. I love her with my whole heart but I don't feel that it is right of us to adopt her when she isn't even putting forth any effort.

I think a main part of the problem is that my dh and I are only 10-15 years older than she is.

I would appreciate any advice that someone has for me.

Miss-Meme · 05-30-2008, 09:06 PM

Being that you have had her in your home for 2 years, I don't see how you would be getting in over your head. You already have had her for 2 years, basically living as your child. The only difference would be that she would be yours.

Is there a reason that she does not turn in her homework?

samstars · 05-30-2008, 10:52 PM

We have encountered some of the same problems with our son. He came to us as a foster son 3 years ago this coming August. He officially became our son 2 years ago this coming September. He is very capable of doing his homework and getting good grades. He is also semi capable of telling the truth. First on the homework he just doesn't want to do it. He has actually told us that it doesn't count as much as test (even though we have proven to him this is false) and that he just doesn't see any reason in doing it. For us the problem lies in that he was never made to do anything before. At one home (relatives) he was allowed to do anything he wanted as long as he wasn't bothering them. At another (also distant relative) he was told he would get good grades and if he brought home F's he was spanked. We have taken away all video games during the 9 months school is in session and this has helped the grades tremendously. We told him we expect him to do his very best and as long as he is actually trying we will be okay with grades that show he is trying. We have punished and lectured and nothing really works that just wears you out. We keep an eye through online everything he does at school, homework, grades, attendance, even what he eats everyday. I love this because he can't lie about homework not getting turned in because I have the proof. Now on to the lying:

He tells a lie quicker than the truth. For him we have realized that it is an automatic defensive strike. He had to (he felt) again at a previous home lie to stay out of trouble. We have learned over the last 2 1/2 years to question and question him when things don't seem on the up and up. Since he is 13 years old we have made deals with him ( I know ) and lately these do work to a certain degree. The lying is less frequent but we do find it comes in waves. Sometimes we go days with no problems then we will go days with a lie every time he opens his mouth.

We have made mistakes (as do all parents) and some don't believe in our methods but we have learned we have to be very non traditional parents. We are very strict with him and don't let him gain an inch if at all possible.

There are moments when it is all worth it and we are now seeing a young man growing up out of a horrible situation who has high expectations of himself for what he wants to be when he grows up not what he came from (before us).

I am sorry I rambled on and on....I hope some of this helps. Know you are not alone out there. And yes I hate to admit but there are times (very few now) that we ask ourselves why we were blessed with a 10 year old 3 years ago.

Please don't hesitate to PM me if you have any other questions.

Stacy

Pipercub · 05-31-2008, 01:08 AM

I think with our children - bio or adopted - we have to love them unconditionally. Because the truth of he matter is, our children can and will "let us down" at some point for some reason. When we choose to adopt a child into our family, it has to be a full on committment without any strings attached. Our children shouldn't have to do anything to "deserve" or "earn" our love. (By the way, I don't think you think that; I'm just making a broad statement.) Our job is to nuture them, guide them, build them up, and give them the encouragement they need to realize the potential their lives hold. And if there is anything I've learned from being a parent, it's that it can be a darn hard challenge sometimes. I can't and won't always do everything right. And my goodness, there are times when my child doesn't remotely try to do what I really want and know they can (or should!) do. But the ultimate reward that comes from persevering through the challenges that come with parenting far exceed the disappointments along the way.

I think there can be good reasons to decide not to adopt - such as if you feel you are incapable of meeting the physical or emotional needs that a child has. Or if you are not ready to make a lifelong committment. I think adoptive parents need to be (privately) brutally honest with themselves about what their motivation for adopting is. It doesn't have to be any single thing. It may be a combination of wanting to be a parent, wanting to grow a family, wanting to make a difference in a child's life, having love to share, etc. I discovered as my husband and I went through the thought process to decide whether we were ready to commit to adoption that there were even not-so-good motives for adoption - most of them stemming from focusing on what being a parent brought me instead of what my responsibility to my child would be. We really had to work through that and recognize that if we were going to adopt, we needed to go into 100% with the right motivations. It was a forever decision.

Honestly, it sounds to me like you are doing a terrific job! You love this child. You have provided a home to her for two years. Your heart seems to be pulling you towards making a big committment. I am sure it must feel a bit overwhelming at times. (My SIL adopted four siblings simultaneously from foster care, so while I am by no means an expert on the matter personally, I have had a unique opportunity to see some of the ups and down struggles that come with the territory.) I couldn't begin to tell you whether adoption is the right choice for your family, but I can tell you I think you must be pretty terrific to have such a big heart to foster. Take your time. Talk to a trusted social worker about what you're feeling. I promise they won't look at you cross-eyed! Our family had attachment issues after our adoption and I was mortified to verbalize some of the difficulties we were having - only to discover most social workers really do care about these kids and appreciate loving homes that are willing to tackle the hard issues instead of pretend there aren't any! I wish you all the best in your decision making. <3 {{hugs}}

Edited to add: One other thing with hopes of cheering you up about the homework thing. I've known my husband since we were 12 years old. His sixth grade year, he spent very nearly (NOT an exaggeration!) every afternoon in the principal's office because he would not do his homework. His dad worked at the school, and very nearly every day, he had to go meet the principal and find out what the latest problem was. And it wasn't for lack of discipline or uninvolved parents that he wasn't getting it done. You wouldn't (or probably would?) believe the things my husband did back then to get out of work or trick his parents into thinking he had done the work! (Forged signatures on work they were supposed to sign and the whole nine yards!) Finally they worked out a system with the teacher where the teacher would write down the assignment in his homework assignment book each day (not my husband), and his parents went over every last part of it with him, signed it and returned it. Every. Single. Day. My mother-in-law says it was tough! If you had asked people back then what kind of person my husband would have turned out to be, they probably wouldn't have expected him to become much of anything. But you know what? A funny thing happened. While he didn't complete college - course work wasn't for him - he found his nitch in computer programming. He tought himself web development, application development and a number of really complex languages that allowed him to get employment far above what most of his classmates are at with their master degrees. (That sounded way more bragging then I want it to be.) The point being, in talking to my mother- and father-in-law they tell me how hard those years were. But the beatiful thing about time is that it affords you perspective. Was my husband a really poor student? Absolutely! Was it incredibly challenging to parent him at times - yep. But persevering through that and given another 15 years - he's really made a good life for himself thanks to parents who didn't let him quit and pushed him to better himself. I imagine it must be draining to constantly have to check school work for a child who isn't putting in much effort. I would guess there is probably something else she is quite drawn to or enjoys. I don't know what her future holds, but don't let the present get you too down. Who knows what exciting things she might accomplish in her life? If you become her parent, then great! But even if your family doesn't make that decision, I bet you still will have had an amazing impact on her life with the home you've provided her. Chin up!

(Dude. I wrote a book. Sorry!)

niki77 · 05-31-2008, 06:33 PM

Most of it is the age she is. I was the same way, very smart and capable but didnt care. Is there any underlying problems she has, and maybe she might have some depression to go along with it? Have you asked her how she feels or seen any signs of depression? Maybe she is just wanting love and attention so bad, that she seeks it through bad behavior. I am not saying you dont give her love or attention , so please dont think that. But my ds who is 10 is the most spoiled, loved child, and he will intentionally do something to "gain" more attention, being good or something he shouldnt.

If God has placed adoption of her on your heart then follow through. The devil is using every scheme possible and will continue to do so to stand in the way of something as wonderful as becoming a family.
Trust in God and give it over to Him and seek his guidance! That is the best advice i can give ! Hope it helps!

krisskross · 06-02-2008, 09:53 AM

I want to thank all of you for giving your advice. This whole process is so difficult for me. I love her as if she were my own child. Yet I fear that we might not be the best parents for her. I guess we will just have to continue learning together.

sazzifrazz · 06-02-2008, 04:30 PM

we have had our 16 yr old foster son for 4.5 years now. Im only 13 years older than him. He has special needs so developmentally he is like an 8 year old...with some teenage crap thrown in. We started the guardianship process, and the state was so SLOW with it. 14 months later his bio parents and DH and I were still not agreeing on the amount of visits. FS went through a period of terrible behavior and I freaked. all i could think of was "Why am I taking on someone elses problems? He doesn't love us, he isn;'t even bonded with us AT ALL." We called ur social worker and stopped guardianship. I know no one is going to take him from us. we will continue to be his foster parents until he is 22 and ages into a group home (due to his special needs he can't even be independent). we will always advocate for him, and he will always be "family". But i needed to know that if he got to the point where he was unmanagable we had backup (the state). There just isn't that unconditional love there, but that may be due to his inability to bond. this age group is so hard. think if he was a baby when we got him we would love him. what do you have to gain from adoption? would your foster daughter want you to adopt her? will it beter your life? he life? do you fear if you don't she will be taken from you? i doubt as a teenager anyone is going to take her. sad to say, but true.

DStout · 06-11-2008, 10:36 PM

I have zero experience here but do know a little about general child psychology. Do you think she might be testing you to see if you still love her if she is "bad"? When did the behavior start? Did it start near the time that she first heard you were or were thinking of starting the adoption process? With her history she may believe that no one really and truly wants her and that when things get tough she will be given away again. So she may be acting out of her own fear and feelings of unworthiness and therefore testing your love and/or truly be trying to sabatoge your love which would give her the sense of control of her own destiny. The whole I will make you want to give up on me so I know what to expect routine. I would suggest counseling with a really good therapist to help her through her fears of abandonment.
I hope I didn't step out of bounds but the thought occurred to me so I thought I would share it.