Advice needed

krbear · 09-09-2009, 12:07 PM

Hello ladies! I have been lurking around here for a while and now I need some advice/words of encouragment. My sister-in-law called last night and let us know that she is 7 weeks pregnant. Uggg. It brought back all the feelings that I though were finally in check. We discovered we had lost our baby on July 30 and I had a D & C July 31. I thought I was 9 wks pg put baby had quit growing at 7.5 wks. I am struggling with my feelings on her pregnancy. I am happy for them, its just too soon for me. The emotions are raw again. How difficult will the next 8 months be?? We are a close family and see them often. So I will have a constant reminder of what I lost. Her last pregnancy was text book and she complained the whole way through. How do I deal with this? She talked to my husband(her brother) last night so I havent spoken with her yet. Not sure I can without becoming a puddle. I know you ladies understand and I am hoping for some words of wisdom.
Thanks,
Carrie

KitKat77 · 09-09-2009, 02:14 PM

The only way I have been able to deal with the number of people I know who have announced their pregnancies since my miscarriage is to avoid them. I know that is probably not the right thing to do, but right now I think is a time where you need to consider yourself first. Obviously, you cannot cut her out of your life, nor would you want to, but you may want to politely decline smaller family gatherings. There is no way to skip everything she will be at, but I would pick and choose for my own sanity. Does she know about your miscarriage? I have been surprised by how understanding a number of my friends and family have been about me missing events.

krbear · 09-09-2009, 02:31 PM

KitKat-
Thank you for your response. She does know about my miscarriage. All of our family knows. We told them we were pg right away as we were so excited after many years of trying. So she is aware. I cant say that I am too suprised by it as I knew they were trying, I just wasnt ready for it yet. I am hoping I can avoid some of the family functions, especially when we get to the point where she is showing. But I also hope that I can get to a point where I am OK with it. I am really work on it. It just stinks right now.

Kate29 · 09-10-2009, 01:23 AM

I've been using the aviodance method as well. If possible, I would skip the pregnancy related functions, send cards and gifts, but she should understand. Smaller gatherings are hard, because people want to talk about the baby, but you might find that the way they talk about it will make a difference. Two of my close friends are pregnant right now. One of them, I can't be around, all she does is gush about being pregnant. She did this her first pregnancy too, well before we were even trying, so I know she doesn't mean anything by it, but I still can't stand to be around her. The other friend is not so bad, we talk, she complains sometimes, but it isn't all baby all the time and that's what's been a critical factor for me. I can take small amounts of baby stuff, but up to a point, it just becomes too much.

Anyway, I hope that your SIL is one of the easier women to deal with. It might help that your family are really close knit and that it's all out in the open. I hope you feel better.

kimmee · 09-10-2009, 03:02 PM

I'm sorry about your m/c.

I had a m/c and then about a month later found out my cousin was pregnant. She and I would have been due about the same time. I see her a lot, and in the beginning it was tough for me to deal with. I had heard she was pregnant before I saw her, so i had time to stress over it before I saw her. But once I did see her, it was actually easier for me to deal with it (depending on the day!).

Don't get me wrong, there are still times when I'm absolutely awful and say why me....and why her. Especially when she complains all the time and she takes meds that she shouldn't....but, I've just had to deal with it.

Avoiding wasn't really an option for me. So I just had to face it and it wasn't as bad as I had built up in my head.

sib4nik · 09-12-2009, 04:58 PM

Carrie - I totally get where you're coming from as well. When I had my m/c last year, a friend got pregnant at the exact same time as me. It was her third, and it was a total "oops." Her due date literally was 4 days before mine. It was so hard to see her get bigger, go to her shower, etc, but I think what made it most difficult was that I didn't tell her that I had ever been pregnant and I didn't communicate this with her. She sensed there was a wedge, and it wasn't until her baby was a few months old that I finally told her what had happened.

If you're anything like I was, you will continue to have your good days and your bad days throughout her pregnancy. But the most important thing, especially if you're all close, is that you communicate with her. Just tell her that while you're absolutely thrilled for them, you're going to need time to mourn your own loss, and that this is something that every woman who has ever suffered a m/c has to work through. Eventually, you'll start to feel a little better and will once again be able to spend time with your bro and SIL. But don't beat yourself up on the days when you just want to stay home. It's normal, it's expected, and it will actually help you heal if you embrace those feelings instead of try and bury them.

I'm so very sorry that you (and you too, Kate, Kimmee and KitKat), have to go through this, and it totally sucks. I wish you much happier days in the months ahead.

Take care, and be good to yourself...

krbear · 09-14-2009, 02:30 PM

Thank you all for your responses. I have spoken briefly with her about the situation. I just asked her to be patient with me as this is really hard, given my miscarriage was only weeks ago. She was understanding to a certain extent, although I have a feeling her being understanding wont last long. I am planning on taking family events on a case by case basis. If she handles this pregnancy better and isnt constantly whining about stuff, I will be OK. But is she starts the complaining about getting bigger and being uncomfortable, that might get to be too much for me. I am working on it. I know it will just take some time.

Thanks again
Carrie

baby512 · 09-21-2009, 09:11 PM

Carrie-

Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. Take things day by day and all you can do is the best you can. I find myself some days crying for no reason and others I am able to talk about my m/c's and even be excited for others. I have had two miscarriages. THe second of which was only three weeks ago. My sister is pregnant (10wks -Wed.). She got married in July and they started trying right away due to my history and families. She got pregnant first try. Some days I am thrilled for her, others are hard. Her baby is only a five weeks from the one I recently lost that is hard.
My first miscarriage, one of my best friends delivered on my baby's EDD. I still haven't seen her baby and it has been 9 months.
Each journey is different. Since the miscarriage I have gone baby shopping with/for my sister and my friends baby I cannot bring myself to think about. I wish you the best, just know you aren't alone.

krbear · 09-22-2009, 01:30 PM

Thank you for all your support. This story has taken an unexpected twist. I found out yesterday that I am 5.5wks pg. Not sure how it happened...well I am but you know. Not medicated, not tracking, nothing. We had tried for SOOOO long for the first one, when we lost it, we werent sure we were going to try again. I didnt go on BCP cause we hadnt been using anything for YEARS and hadnt had any luck. Then bam, BFP. Hopefully this one will stick.

Chrisy · 09-22-2009, 02:51 PM

That's great news! What a pleasant surprise! Good luck!