Advice Please?

Dagmar · 05-17-2008, 06:11 PM

Hi Everyone,

I know many of you are going through or have gone through this, so I would really appreciate some advice please.

The anniversary of my miscarriage is coming up next weekend, and my friend is pregnant, pretty much at the same stage i was at this time last year. She has had some problems with the pregnancy and I have really supported her and done my best. But I am struggling so much. I feel so sad and inadequate, I should have been pregnant by now.

Last night, my friends and I and our husbands went to a ball, and I was dreading it and didn't really want to go. After a while, it was just my friend and me at the table and she asked if I was OK, and I just couldn't hold it in any longer. I told her that I wanted to be there for her so much, but that it was getting too hard for me, particularly at this time. I said there would be times that I would have to take a step back from our group (there are 4 of us), and just be on my own. She said she felt guilty for being pregnant as it was an accident, and that she felt she should retreat from our friendship. I virtually begged her not to, and I felt it was a little unfair too, as that should be my decision, and surely I deserve some support too (although I didn't say that). I don't want to lose her as a friend and split our group, but I have spent the last few weeks trying so desperately to hide my feelings ad have spent time making sure she is OK, that I feel drained. I know last night wasn't the best place to have said anything, but its done now. Should I feel guilty for having show my feelings? Should I just have continued walking round with a smile painted on my face?

Have any of you had this situation, and how did you handle it?

Thanks, Dagmar

kcal · 05-17-2008, 06:38 PM

I had a similar situation. I was pregnant for the first time with 2 of my friends. Of course, I was the one who had the m/c. It was so hard because we all hung out together. I did not see her very often because I could not handle it. I remember one time we all went out to dinner and they were both showing, and I cried all the way home. I did not go to the baby shower because I could not handle. (by the time she had her shower, I had had my 2nd m/c) I just planned to be out of town that weekend. I remember the day before she was going to be induced I said nothing to her about how exciting that is. She then called me back and asked why I didn't acknowledge her having the baby. I just broke down and told her how hard it is. She understood. I don't think I handled it very good. I do feel that I was able to make up for it when last year she had twins at 25 wks. I was there for her the whole time they were in the hospital. I don't really have any advice for you. If it will help you to step back for awhile, then you should do that. It sounds like she is very understanding just like my friend. I am sorry about your loss. Hope that by me sharing my experience you can see that how you are feeling is normal. It just sucks, I'm sorry. Hugs to you!

Kim

Dagmar · 05-17-2008, 08:08 PM

Thankyou Kim,

I feel like a bad person for having admitted to struggling and raining on her parade. Thanks for telling me I'm normal!!

SheriKCMO · 05-18-2008, 06:24 PM

I believe you did the right thing. She had no way of knowing your pain without being told, because most people "get over" our losses and forget about them pretty fast while we moms carry the torch for life. These anniversaries just make it all more intense. I try to cushion my own feelings when I can, because the other people in the situation have not LOST THEIR BABY and had their hearts shattered. Logically, you deserve her consideration for your feelings, surrounding pregnancy especially. I'm so sorry these special dates are tough to get through. Having a plan to commemorate the occasion helps me most times. (((Hugs)))