Afraid MC, Adoption without TTC at all?

wickiwicki · 10-24-2005, 11:06 PM

Hi, I was recently diagnosed with PCOS. I've recently also been diagnosed with depression. I'm being treated for both. My husband and I have been talking a lot about our options. I'm terrified of becoming pregnant and having a miscarriage. I don't know if I could ever deal with the pain it would cause me and having feelings that I let my husband down (even though I know he would never feel that way, I know I would feel responsible). We would love to adopt and see this as our brightest hope for having the family we've always dreamed of. We had been trying to get pregnant for 6 months before I was diagnosed.This is my question. Should I pursue adoption without continuing TTC? Are there emotional problems that could develop because of this decision? If you could do it all over again, how would you do it?

JenJen78 · 10-24-2005, 11:23 PM

First of all, I wanted to say that I think it's great that you're thinking of adoption as a first choice instead of a last. It's certainly a wonderful way to make a family. If I had it to do over again, I'd do it just the same. We tried for about 2 years, did minimal fertility meds and moved on. That way, I could say that I tried (didn't want to have the "what if's" in my mind). Now, I'm glad I didn't have a child because I wouldn't have gotten Zach. :-) As for being scared of MC, I was too. It's very common in my family. Almost all of my aunts and most of my cousins have MC'd the first child.

However, I have to say IMHO adoption is not easy either. It's scary too. There is a chance that the adoption could fall through (in both international and domestic). It was just something DH and I had to decide we would deal with if it happened. For me, I wanted a child so badly that I was willing to risk everything to be a Mom.

Best of luck to you. It's a hard decision, I know, but you and DH will know in your hearts what is best for you.

~Lisa~ · 10-25-2005, 01:06 AM

Well I tried to conceive a long time before adopting and really forceful with it around 2 years. I ttc appx. 9 years before we adopted our daughter.
If I had to do the adoption over again, I wouldn't change anything. I think that you go thru things with a adoption in different ways, No adoption is the same just as no pregnancy is the same or labor etc. Even tho it was a roller coaster ride sometimes, I still wouldn't change a thing and we have a newborn we are in the process of adopting now also which will be final in about 5 months. I love them to pieces and feel no differently about them as I would if they were from my womb. I think like birth you forget about all the pain when you hold that baby or child in your arms for the first time.
I understand what your saying, I always feared I wouldn't beable to handle it if something happened while TTC. Adoption has made our family complete. I now have a beautiful little girl and little boy and would do it over again in a heart beat!
My best to you.

dna · 10-25-2005, 10:28 AM

I ditto what has been said...We tried for about 9 years, with fert meds for 2 years then we were like HEY what are we doing ? Lets go to Ukraine and get us a baby ! so we did...

No regrets here

our son is our life

And now #2 is coming along and I wouldnt change how we are making her apart of our family either

Good luck !
Amy

wickiwicki · 10-25-2005, 03:39 PM

Thanks for all your comments. It's been hard for me to know what I should do. My SIL recently went through stillbirth just over a month ago and my MIL had dozens of MC but was still able to have two children. I guess I'm a little scared of having the what if's in my mind but not nearly as afraid as how it would feel to lose a baby. It was so very difficult watching my SIL go through this, I don't know if I could do it myself.

I guess that was my main concern, whether or not I was turning to adoption because I was afraid. I honestly believe that I would love a child brought to me through an adoption just as if I had carried her myself. I just want to be positive I'm doing everything for the right reasons. My first concern is the welfare and happiness of that child, whoever he or she may be.

I am still very young at 21. I know that our church has an adoption program that will adopt regardless of age as long as other criteria is met. Does anyone what to share age requirements that the have seen with agencies? I just found out last night that China needs both parents to be 30, which was disappointing to me. My DH is 26, but we would still have to wait 9 years for me to turn 30. Any advice you can give will be greatly appriecitated! Thank you so much for everything you've helped me with so far!!!

mia_2005 · 10-25-2005, 05:41 PM

My DH and I have been trying to conceive for the last year. We decided to put a hold on that and pursue adoption. We have not pursued the usual ttc drugs like Clomid, etc. We were going to, but it just didn't seem right. Also, we are so worn out from the heartache of hoping to be pregnant each month and then being disappointed. We are Christians and after a lot of prayer we felt that God was drawing us toward adoption. We still might ttc again some other time, but right now I really don't feel like I need to be pregnant. I just want to be a mother. I am actually exicted not to have to go through all of the less pleseant aspects of pregnancy like swelling, nasuea and, of course, childbirth!!!

I think the main thing about adoption is that you need to make sure that you have really set aside your desire for a biological child. I have read that you actually have to grieve for the child that you thought you were going to have. I found that to be true for myself, though DH didn't seem to be affected in the same way. The first weeks after we decided to adopt, I was absolutely thrilled about it, but I also cried a lot and mourned the loss of the biologcal child I was hoping for. I'm okay now, but it was definitely a process I had to go through. I think it's really important that you adopt because you want to be a parent and not to adopt to replace the child you wanted to conceive.

As to ages to adopt, you'll see on my signature that we're only 24. I have done a lot of research on the topic because I, too, did not want to wait until we were 30! It depends on the country where you adopt and also the agency. China does require that both parents be 30, but Guatemala, Russia and Ukraine (to name a few) do not. Some agencies will tell you that you have to be 25 to adopt from any country, but that's just not true. That is the agency's preference, not an adoption law.

We have decided to a private adoption of a baby boy from Guatemala, but before we decided on the private adoption, I did A LOT of research on agencies. If you would like suggestions of the ones that do not require you to be older, feel free to PM me.

Good luck as you decide if you should adopt. It really is an exciting road to travel (I actually think it's even more exciting than pregnancy!)

~Mia

nylittlejen · 10-25-2005, 05:53 PM

My husband and I are dealing with the same questions. I don't know if I could handle the joy of becoming pregnant only to miscarry. I'm not sure which makes me more selfish - trying for years to have a baby that my body isn't sure it wants or not trying at all to avoid heartache. Adoption is still an option we're discussing.

~Traci~ · 10-25-2005, 07:14 PM

This is something that can only be decided by you. Unfortunately, I can't tell you whether you shouldn't TTC and start adopting or not.

We've had 4 m/c's and just couldn't do it anymore. Adoption was always in our "plan" but we were going to adopt after having biological children. We've since realized that we should have started adopting long ago (of course, we're adopting from China and you have to be 30 so we would have been waiting anyway).

For every person it's different, you have to think long and hard how you want to create your family. Some couples can't see ever TTC and adopt and others will TTC forever w/o even thinking about adoption, and even others will TTC for a while and then decide that adoption is right for them.

Good Luck!
Traci

innkeepermommy · 11-28-2005, 07:31 AM

I don't think I ever truly knew what fear was until I became a mom. Although I was terrified of mc all through my pregnancy - it is only now that I am really scared - of a kidnapping, fire, injury... the list never ends.

No one can make the decision except you. But from the people that I know who have adopted, they all went through their share of heartaches with failed adoptions before finally getting their children.

strawberree · 11-30-2005, 04:26 PM

just follow your heart..i looked into adoption before i even got married..once married i took clomid for about 3 months (maybe 2..i cant remember) I just kinda knew (sounds alittle odd) that i wanted to adopt.. so we stopped TTC.. best of luck!