After Serious Thought

JordansHope · 04-04-2003, 07:47 PM

I decided to share this with you ladies here on this board. I hope that my situation helps you avoid making the same mistakes.

As most of you know, we are back to TTC after loosing baby Gabriel. We are officially trying this month. I took the clomid 150mg cd's 3-7, started temping, trying to invent new ways to encourage more sex. The whole nine yards.

My mistake was letting my husband hide his feelings. He has never talked about the losses we have suffered. He hides behind his "I am Man hear me ROAR" routine. He went into what he likes to call protect mode. Let me explain how I found this out.

To begin I asked him if I should take the clomid on cd 3 putting getting pregnant on the table and he was on board. On about cd14 my ovaries started hurting and I made a fatal mistake of telling him that I thought I was ovulating. OPPS My bad. Sex became a bigger issue (it was already from cd3) and he was finding excuses to hide behind. For example there was always something else that had to be done or he would wait to come to bed well after I was asleep. Anything to avoid it. And when we did he had errection problems and very disinterested.

Well, cd 17 and I knew I was ovulating or going to ovulating. SO, I drop hints and do all the little grapping and touching. Total avoidance and plenty of excuses. I blew a gasket! I conforted him and of course he admitted to nothing at first but after more talking on my part, he admitted he was scared. He didn't want to see me get hurt again and just maybe subconciously he was avoiding me so I wouldn't get pregnant. He finally told me how heart broken he was and how he felt he had to keep up this "Man" front , the protector and provider image. We talked and I reassured him that I was ready to try again but in order to do this we had to be both on the same page. (can't do it without him) I told him if he wasn't ready then we would wait, b/c I couldn't keep riding the homonal hell rollercoaster and feeling like my ovaries were going to explode and not have hope of a baby. I told him that I was sorry he was hurting but he really needed to talk to me about it. I told him I understood and didn't blame him. We are okay now and have talked some more.

So, I guess the moral of this story is not to let your man put up that I am man front. Realize that they hurt too but in a different ways. The important thing is for both of you to be on the same page.

Of course David says this is it. No more after this regaurdless. We shall see. He also doesn't want to know anything more technical like clomid or ovulation from here on out. He says so he doesn't throw up mental blocks.

I am sure there will be people with their own opinions but I just wanted to share what went on in our house so maybe others might avoid the same situation.

Remember regardless of how they act they have been hurt too.

Wishing everyone here luck and healing.
I'll be at the TTC board whining b/c this cycle will be a wash!

God Bless

Sheila

*DannysMom* · 04-04-2003, 08:18 PM

Sheila...
Your story could have been written by me... as I read it I thought about my dh. After our second mc (loss of the twins) he was so quick to be the strong one and protect the both of us from future failures and sadness. He said the moment he brought me home that we could "adopt"... I was the one who said after so many disappointments and heartbreak that I was DONE. My fault, you see, because I gave him the impression that trying again would be too painful. He took on the role from then on out to protect me from any discussion surrounding ttcing. Naturally, I came to my senses before my first bcp AF... and wanted desperately to start all over again. I dropped the hints... scheduled the appts., etc. He found every excuse there was to avoid this topic of conversation... and actually got mad at one point and an argument ensued... turned out he was afraid. We had a real heart to heart and we decided to wait two cycles... to ease back into things and give ourselves much needed time to heal. Don't get me wrong... we are both very scared about what the future holds... and fear another mc... complications... disappointments... but somehow we've grown out of our misfortunes. I have a better understanding of dh and realize that he isn't the superman I always believe him to be. He is human too.. and suffers the same pains as the rest of us. I love him more than anyone or anything in this world.
I am glad you are working through this difficult time with your husband... alot of times marriages become weak and fall apart after so much pain. Hang in there and thanks for putting your message out there so others can learn from it..

Good luck on your journey to conceive.
Karen

shenacat · 04-04-2003, 09:01 PM

My DH has been quiet about this m/c, my first... I'm not certain what he's going to think about the future... he said to me he's glad I'm not depressing about it.. otherwise to me it looks like he's just taking it in stride as a practice run.

His mom had several miscarriages before getting pg with him... and several miscarriages afterwards until his parents decided they weren't going to try again. Years later he remembers his dad in one of those bad moments saying "you broke your mom" (as if it were his fault). I think his only previous experience with this type of thing was that, so I don't know how he's going to take it if I have more miscarriages. I don't want him to think he's going to break me :o (If I'm broke, I was broken before him.

JordansHope · 04-04-2003, 10:12 PM

It is always good to know someone listens.

Karen
thanks for listening and posting your story it helps to know that their are others going through the same thing. Keeps me from feeling so isolated.

Shenacat
I hope you hang in there and please know the hurt does get better. Take care

Thanks
Sheila

Sapphire Spirit · 04-06-2003, 01:23 AM

My heart goes out to your dh (and you). They try so hard to be the protectors and appear to be emotionally void when in actual fact they are aching inside. My dh was very similar....he tried to comfort me so much and forgot about his own grieving which caught up with him in the end. Thanks for sharing your story. Hopefully it will encouage others to acknowledge their partners grief.
Take Care

Amy

Louie · 04-07-2003, 11:01 AM

Sheila, thanks for sharing this with us. I also have a DH who I know hurts badly within but puts up the protestor front. He has also, from time to time, gotten a bit distant when he knows I'm O-ing. Though lately, he seems to take pride in being able to get me pr and wants to do that again asap - thank God. But it all seems to depend from week to week. I think that your point about talking and getting our DHs to express hidden emotions is very good. I'm going to try to get my DH to talk more too. Thanks for making this important point. Sounds like you did a great job of getting your Dh to talk... and I'm sure that this will improve things for BD!

JordansHope · 04-07-2003, 11:20 AM

I hope so too. Things have been much more relaxed around here. I don't feel as though we are walking around the big elephant anymore. Although, this month has been a complete wash, I will just wait and try again next month. I have to stay positive miracles do happen. Wishing everyone healing both physical and emotional.

Take care

Sheila

sparrow · 04-07-2003, 06:19 PM

I have to wonder if my dh wasn't doing the same thing your dh's were doing. If you read my post in the Bush Telegraph, we were having some...well, problems...and he is so tight-lipped about his feelings that I wonder if it happened, even subconsciously, because of his own grief or fears. Thanks for the advice, and I will ask him about his feelings before we try again.