Again... TTC and PCOS etiquette

Monita · 04-16-2007, 06:31 PM

Hello cysters

I have read so many posts about PCOS and TTC and how insensitive and misinformed people are... Just as I read in another thread, PCOS is also a disease, as well as infertility is, and they should also be treated as such, not as "God´s will" or "that you just were not made to be a Mom".

I had a recent episode which I wanted to share with you... I took my Mother to a doctor´s appointment as she needs glasses and as she was going to use eye drops for dilatation, so she could not drive back home. The doctor is a friend of her, let´s just say a lady from my Mom´s generation, where having babies was more of a choice and not a challenge due to infertility ( it is proven that each generation looses more and more in fertility rates ).

As she heard I had an ovarian drill the last time we visited ( cause my Mother told her she could not go to her appointment because she was at the hospital with me and told her what is was about ) then the Q&A immediately began.

First, a very nice : "are you pregnant yet?" ( nop... but thanks for bringing that up ) then later on a more beautiful, sensational line : " But it´s been a while since you have been trying !!" ( yep, I know, I am not an idiot, I can count the months I have been in treatments ) and finally to wrap things up : "well.. you should start considering adoption... maybe you do not get PG because you are too stressed and obsessed with it. Once you adopt a child you will get PG immediately" ( yeah... because adoption is sooo easy... it´s like they are giving away kids in Africa and Asia... oh yeah, and I can easily give up my desire to be a biological Mom... plus I believe that kind of decision is to be made with my husband , not because someone who is not even related to me has told me I should do it !! )

I had to swallow my anger because I did not wanted to be rude, but I told my mother as we were leaving, that next time she will get into the doctor´s office alone and I will stay at the lobby reading a magazine.

I am stressed enough to know all the failed attemps to get PG, all the surgeries, the drilling, the IUI and my fear to reach IVF. WE REALLY DO NOT NEED PEOPLE ASKING THESE QUESTIONS AND TELLING US THIS STUFF. As with any disease, it is like asking to the patient with Cancer why he got bold, and that he should settle in the future to wear a wig. Or to someone who lost his legs, that it´s been a while since he can remember playing football and he may never do that again so just give up the options for protesis legs and stay in the wheelchair.

I am a very patient person but really, people should watch what they say...it is so hard for them to see infertility as it really is : a disease... something which puts you to a test everyday. Something that may not kill you but may make you feel dead inside.

When will there by more awareness that no one should ever ask these kind of questions ?

Just wanted to rant a by and share this with you... hope you do not ran with people like this often too !!

Praying4aMiracle · 04-16-2007, 06:46 PM

I have completely lost count of the number of times I have heard the same things said to me and my husband so I can definitely sympathize with you. Unfortunately people just don't realize how incredibly painful it is. Many of them have not experienced it themselves so they can't even begin to understand what all we go through & feel. It was very respectable of you not to go off on her even though deep down inside I'm sure you wanted to. I am not sure there will ever be an end to the questions but in the meantime all we can do is continue to try & raise awareness of this disease & the pain it brings.

jonnysmomma · 04-16-2007, 10:15 PM

I can so totally relate. I always knew something was wrong with me, but I was DX PCOS just last month. My son was a miracle...and when people find out that he was a miracle, they say...ohh, you arent gonna even try for another since you werent supposed to have him, are you? Im not sure if i wanna cry or hit them over the head with a baseball bat. Other people say when you gonna have another baby? I just smile and say im praying for another miracle. People have NO clue what we go thru. Kudos to you for not killing her, even tho i know u wanted to

NBusc41144 · 04-16-2007, 10:24 PM

Luckily I haven't run into someone as nosey as that but I have gotten the "are you still trying?" question from a lot of people who aren't related to me. I would have wanted to slap that woman.

Just remember this:

jdreams76 · 04-16-2007, 10:41 PM

I get this all the time. I do have 1 miracle daughter that we concieved @ the age of 18yrs old. And @ that time people told me to give her up for adoption ect. And now these are the same people that are asking me the annoying questions and telling me things as if i didn't know what they are saying. The part that sucks is sometimes my mother says the insensitive stuff but then my mom doesn't always know what she should and shouldnt say i think. She is that type of person. My MIL is worse. She has gotten on me about the treatments we were having @ one point.. IUI and clomid complaining to me about having twins! What will you do! OMG! UM! i will raise them wth kind of question is that! And i will thank god for blessing me twice.
I have discovered that not talking to my MIL about any of it makes my life alot easier. I pretty much don't talk to people that in the past have been insensitive with me. I also stopped answering there questions and have heard some of my husbands family have said how i am grumpy and not happy ect. No i just dont have the time for your insensitive remarks on something I have tried to get you to understand so i refuse to answer your questions. As long as they don't bring any of my infertility stuff up i am good to go. The best thing i have heard outta my MIL's mouth was her saying that I had one before i don't understand why she is having such a problem! I think its all in her head HAHAHAH in my head i wish that was the cure all for everyone having infertility problems along with pcos ect.! That was the last time her and I talked about any of it. And honestly we don't have the same relationship we had years ago because of it. The sparks flew that day i mean yah i would love to just be imagining the 90 xtra pounds i lug around and the hairy chin i have. Wouldnt that be nice!
Sorry to rant had to share

Thanks for letting me vent.
But thats the reason why i come here we all understand what we have when other people in the world either don't take the time to think before they speak or learn about it. I have worked on my mom a bit getting her to understand. We will see if it helps

Take Care all.
Kelly

mip1500 · 04-16-2007, 11:47 PM

I think we should just decide to all be 120% sarcastic in our answering of these ridiculous questions and responses to insinuating statements

Wouldn't that be just SO fun for us

They need to learn anyways. More and more ppl are being diagnosed, more and more magazines are mentioning it, more and more docs are graduating having at least heard of it...

Don't let them stop you

muche · 04-17-2007, 03:27 AM

Well, people will never change! I called some women FBI's (fertile but ignorant) many times. My response to some one was "well, we just don't have sex anymore" when someone asked me why we weren't having anymore kids...that shut them up (and left them wondering...Oh my, do they really NOT????) As for the adoption thing, don't you know that "once you adopt, you'll get pg because you relaxed". And of course, I did, I got pg 1 month after I adopted, but only because a skilled doctor had drilled 20 wholes in my ovaries 2 months before, duhhhh! (and it is because of people like me that the myth continues, but I try hard to clearify that, explaning that no, I didn't relax, I had surgery) I think we should write a book on what people will tell you, how they plan your family for you and how thye think you can achieve their plan...but all in all, they mean well. I guess it's the major thing I got out of having pcos and infertility for so long: compassion and understanding! Hang in there, FBI's will never die, that's why you got cysters!
Muche - new here and haven't figured out on how to put my picture or a signature yet...working on it

caviechick · 04-17-2007, 10:49 AM

My RE has told me quite a few times that I need to relax and just let it happen. Ummm.. if thats all it takes, then why am I seeing her? God, even doctors can be ignorant. She's even expressed concern and confusion that I havent gotten preggie yet cuz Dh and I fostered/adopted our 5 year old nephew over a year ago. She said that shes seen it happen so much in her practice that a woman gets preggie months after adopting that shes concerned I'm not following her treatments right. Umm... guess maybe I am "broken" after all...

babycheeks · 04-17-2007, 02:31 PM

Oh Ladies,
I soo understand what you mean. I am sorry that each of us has to hear the crap others with uneducated thoughts has. I am surrounded by pregnant people every where, even preg friends here at SC. Please dont get me wrong I am happy for each and every person that has their chance.

What I really hate is when not only ppl but preg ppl say the dumbest things. Ie: Step brothers wife preg again ( always preg and mc with them because she does nothing but smokes and drinks sodas and wont eat healthy) said well i guess u could always come to the u/s with me and see what its like for yourself. Me- uhhhh..noo i dont think so. Her-why not dont u want to be there? Me- no I dont feel comfortable doing that. Her- I dont see why not? Dont u wanna see what it like? Me- Uhhhhh well I dont think I could handle it because it upsets me. Her- why does it upset u? Me-It just does!
O.k. at that point i wanted to say..because you *****, i am battling have one kid while u get preg every other weekend and dont take care of yourself and lose them and then shrug your shoulders and get preg with another!!!! This was her way of saying well u will never have a chance to see it for yourself so I guess i can be nice and give u that. I hate her!!! However this is just one of many of the hummmdrumm questions ppl both in and out of the family say and ask.

Why is it so hard for ppl to understand? Why dont they care to learn what PCOS is and how it effects ppl? I think it is a matter of they dont care to know. Have u all ever heard this one? "Oh (shakes head) is your husbands sperm bad? Now come on ppl....i wanna say..yes they are and we have told them if they dont start to behave we are sending them to military school!!!

Sorry so long ladies just wanted to share with you.
Jenn

Meta888 · 04-17-2007, 04:07 PM

Hi Ladies -- I'm a single cyster who would LOVE to have kids someday. While I don't currently have a DH or even a boyfriend, my biological clock is ticking so loudly it's deafening. Since I've never tried to have kids.. I don't know if I would easily get pregnant, or have difficulties. And I'm in my mid thirties. Sigh.

OK, so that being said, while I cannot relate directly to you all, here are some fun answers you can give to people... because if they feel they can say anything to you, you should be able to say anything right back... ah, in a perfect world.

Q: So, why aren't you pregnant yet?
A: I don't know - probably the same reason you aren't smart yet?

Q: Are you trying to get pregnant?
A: I don't know, gee, can you get pregnant if you do it from behind? Maybe that's why it's not working? What do you think?

Q: Why don't you have another child?
A: For fear it would turn out like you.

Q: Maybe it's not gods will for you to have another child
A: Well, maybe it wasn't gods will to have insensitive people on earth, yet, here you are.

Q: You've been trying to get pregnant for awhile!
A: Really? You sure? I thought I just really liked sex. Hmmmm.

Q: You should consider adoption
A: I will if you cosider a lobotomy.

Q: Maybe you are just too stressed. If you stop thinking about it, you will get pregnant.
A: Wow. Great advice. If I stop thinking about how inappropriate your questions are, will you just stop asking them?

Q: Once you adopt a child you will get pregnant immediately.
A: Really? Wow! Are you able to return the adopted child once you get pregnant?

Q: Maybe you're just not meant to be a mom
A: But I gave up recreational drugs and everything!!!!

And on and on. I think it might be fun sometimes to live in a world where you can say whatever you want!

- Meta888

Monita · 04-17-2007, 04:44 PM

Meta888 : You had me laughing so hard that I had to go to the ladies room so no one in he office would see me !! your aswers to the Q&A are great !!

Thanks for the suggestions !! I may get some fun next time instead of getting upset and see the faces of people as they ask...

Praying4aMiracle · 04-17-2007, 05:05 PM

Meta, Thank you sooo much for posting that! I really needed a good laugh and your Q&A's did the trick!

This one's my favorite:
"Q: Once you adopt a child you will get pregnant immediately.
A: Really? Wow! Are you able to return the adopted child once you get pregnant?"

LOL! Love it!!!

Meta888 · 04-17-2007, 06:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monita

Thanks for the suggestions !! I may get some fun next time instead of getting upset and see the faces of people as they ask...

Exactly!!!!!

Life is too short not to have some fun -- and if you have the ability to find some fun & humor in the most trying and horrible situations, I say kudos to you!

Humor can also be an excellent way to get a point across... with a smile, of course.

Glad to have made you guys smile!

- Meta888

Kameyan · 04-17-2007, 06:03 PM

I think the repsonses you gave to us the ones you were thinking were great and you should have said them to her. You can get you point across without being rude but as long as we are silent they will continue. Like when we were first told I had endometrial cancer and were looking at possibly having to have a hysterectomy so many people said well can always adopt. I told her that when people are TTC and are faced with the possiblity that they will never have a biological child it is a sense of loss for them and although I know you don't to mean be inconsiderate with you comments, saying you can adopt minimizes our loss and feelings. It would be much more encouraging to say I will be thinking of you, or I will keep you in my prayers or simply don't bring it up unless they do.
I would told her that yes I am stressed and dealing with inconsiderate statements like yours doesn't make it any easier but I appreciate your concern.
I had to have the hysterectomy.I have to step sons and people say well at least you have to step sons. I a friend of my mine if she lost one of her children how we she feel if I said well at least still two more. She begin to understand and now is a good listener and comfortor.

PBLayzod · 04-17-2007, 06:43 PM

I feel really bad for those women with "unexplained" infertility. I know most people don't have a clue as to what PCOS is, but I am at least able to give a reason why it took me 4 years to conceive. If we think we hear the "God's timing/will" line a lot, think about what they must get.

I guess people are trying to be concerned/supportive, but they sure do sound like idiots. Yes, I did get pregnant after I "relaxed" for more than a year, but I'd also started taking Metformin 2 months before. I think my success might be more tied to the latter of those 2. Besides, you can't force yourself to relax even if you wanted to follow that advice.