alive... but not living

leafsgirl · 02-05-2003, 09:52 AM

I am so depressed. I thought it was a good thing that at least I recognized it and am trying to get help. I have been seeing a therapist for over 6 months now for anxiety and depression. So far it's just brough out a lot of anger and of course, she knows nothing about PCOS... just like my Endo and RE know nothing about depression.
I saw my Endo last week and talked to him about the way i was feeling but he blew it off saying that there's not enough evidence to support that depression has anything to do with PCOS... blah blah blah blah.
he refilled my prescription for provera to bring on AF and i told him that the provera makes me feel worse, almost suicidal when i take it... I was basically told to suck it up and to come back and see him in 4 months. Time for a new Dr.....again.
I am continually trying to educate myself, I'm eating healthy and i'm exercising yet i feel physically and emotionally ill all the time, i feel depressed all the time, i feel sad and lonely.... and i KNOW i'm not alone, yet at the end of the day, thats what i feel. i am unbelievably tired all the time but i never sleep well, every part of my body aches... i've spent in excess of $7000 over the past 3 years on electroylsis and I don't even know how much i've spent on diet or 'life-style" plans...it feels like a sick joke... not being able to have a child yet constantly looking 6 months pregnant
SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE... I'm going to be 30 in september and i've had these problems for over half my life now and the minute i start feeling sorry for myself I feel guilty because it could always be worse.. i have my sight, my hearing, i can walk on my own two feet... but something isn't right. call me selfish, but it's just not enough.
I'm going through the motions of life... i'm alive but this sure as hell isn't living

scarletakb · 02-05-2003, 11:18 AM

leafsgirl... I have been there... and my heart aches for you, because I know when you are in that spot, it just feels like there is no way out. And you can't imagine ever feeling differently than what you do right now.

First thing I would say is try to think PAST the emotion right now. The problems you are having are NOT anything you caused, or even necessarily situational. it stems from a chemical imbalance in your brain. And, as long as the chemicals are imbalanced, you will feel that way. And, all the counseling in the world will not make the depression go away unless you get the chemical imbalance under control. You didn't say if you were on any anti depressants? I took several different kinds, zoloft, wellbutrin, effexor, and celexa... (not at the same time.. ) what they do for you is quickly (within a month) level out your seretonin levels in your brain... this will ease some of the horrible feelings you are having so that you can get to a place where you can think clearly. This is something that will help you get an immeadiate improvement.

The other thing I wanted to talk to you about is your diet... you said that you are eating healthy. that may not be addequate. I have found that high, or even moderate carbohydrates (anything over, say 50 grams a day) will make my depression come back.. full force. So.. I would highly suggest trying to stay away from all sugar.. of any form.. also, any processed foods.. especially flour!

anyway... let me know if you want to talk more...

PaulaMc · 02-05-2003, 11:28 AM

Big hugs to you!!!!!

Please find another doctor! It doesn't sound like he wants to hear anything you're saying or care about actually taking care of your symptoms. It's frustrating to go from doctor to doctor. But one of these times you will find one that will listen!

You're not selfish for feeling this way! If any of us had a choice, we would be happy and skinny all the time not having to worry about what we ate or how it affected us. Unfortunately, because of what is happening in our bodies, we have these struggles. This is not something that you did on purpose! It's a disease.

Do you like the therapist you're going to? If you do, talk to her more! If she won't listen, can you find another one?

santa'sbaby · 02-05-2003, 08:26 PM

If you are living in the Toronto area, or can access Toronto. PM me and I will give you the name of my Gyno, who is amazing and has been supportive of me.

I share your pain!

For me, frustration is a big part of this disease. I will be going along fine and then....WHAM I will get a glimps of my face in daylight and see the stubble. Or I will stand next to a thin women in a store and see in the mirror just how big I really am. It hits like a punch in the stomach and it stays there for a long time.

What I am trying to do, is find ways to look beyond my illness. Volunteer my time to make a difference in someone elses life and take my mind off the struggle that I am going through. Does this mean that I forget that I have PCOS?? Hell No!! However, it makes me realize that there is more to me PCOS. I try to enrich my life in other ways becasue sometimes I stop and realize that I got the short end of the stick in some areas of my life but I do realize that I have strong good points too, and it's times like this that I try to use them if only to make myself realize that I am a worthwhile person PCOS or No PCOS.

You are also a worthwhile person, never give up on yourself!

Please keep in touch, and let us know how you are doing!

April

Lendi · 02-05-2003, 10:52 PM

Please find a Dr that will treat all of you. You are a whole system and all of you needs to be treated at the same time to work correctly. Sorta like a mixer. If the blades are not in, it won't work even if it's plugged in. If the blades are in, but it's not plugged it still will not work. But, put all the parts together and you have a starting point. I hope I made some sense. You have many signs of depression. Make a list of your symptoms and take them to a Dr. that will be willing to listen to you. And, you will probably find that if your feel better, mentally, you will feel better physically as well. And, more able to cope. Those chemicals that reside in the brain just do not like to be unbalanced. And, they seem to be able to effect so much of our lives. Hope you feel better soon. Hugs, Lendi

leafsgirl · 02-06-2003, 09:34 AM

You guys are amazing and i appreciate all of your advice.
I have thought about anti-depressants and have discussed them with my family DR. I am reluctant, however, for a few reasons...
for starters, i'm under the impression that you can't be on them or have them in your system for many months after if you're TTC. Also, i really like the therapist i'm seeing and she did say that the choice is up to me and if i feel i need them then to talk to my DR again... but, she feels that's i'm at a point where she's got me all uncomfortable about some issues i have and i'm in a position where i'm starting to deal with them,, and by going on anti-depressants it will bring me to a level where the issues don't bother me- which is good,- but then i still won't be dealing with the issues.
but then i'm thinking.. do i have these issues (depression, anxiety, mood swings etc... for legitamate reasons, or are they a result of a chemical imbalance. Right now i feel so much anger and almost hatred towards my family- specifically my husband- and i find myself thinking i just want to run away and be alone.
I feel like my marriage is falling apart... and some days i care, some days i don't.
I would hate to look back one day and realize i threw my life away because of a chemical imbalance.
I wish i knew the answers and I wish I had even one ounce of the support in "real life" that i find here at soulcysters.

scarletakb, I've noticed that diet plays a big role in how i feel, not just physically but mentally as well. I was actually doing the atkins diet for a few weeks but i felt horrible on it and got strong chest pains and then i got a lecture from a dietitian, so that was the end of that and now i am back to weight watchers.

And April, I hear what you're saying about trying to make a difference in the lives of other people, it is very rewarding to do that. i know because i've spent my life doing that and in the process i've become everyone's enabler and find myself feeling rejected when i need someone to make a difference in my life... again, maybe it sounds selfish but i need to start helping myself and stop worrying about everyone elses needs all the time. Also, i do live in the toronto area. I would gladly pm you to get the info on your Gyno ... but i'm not sure how to pm people... does the person you're pm'ing have to be online at the time?

santa'sbaby · 02-06-2003, 07:45 PM

((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

I hope you are feeling better today!!

The other person does not have to be on line for you to PM them. I am sending you a PM with the information!

I hope this gets you somewhere!

April

hold72 · 02-08-2003, 02:23 AM

here goes my all to common lengthy reply....lol.... I too understand... I have had 'female problems' since i started my cycles in feb of 86..... wow 17 years.... hell, im an old woman now .... hahaha...only like most everyone here, im sure we were all told... 'it takes a while for your cycle to straighten out' "your too fat" "its early menopause" blah.. blah blah....I finally went to an RE and she looked at me and went.... duh, your a textbook case of PCOS.... She is at Barnes-Jewish Hospital in St. Louis.... I would recommend her to ANYONE ... she was awesome... haven't found an RE since... and about 3 1/2 years ago, I started taking Ripped Fuel from GNC... without mah huang...... the mah huang free formula also has st johns wort in it, read the label, but it worked really well for me... even tho it says not to take if you have thyroid.... blah blah.. what doesnt?.....I lost about 45 lbs, and went from an 18 to an 8 between september and january.....I also ate well.... fresh veggies... chicken breast.... diet bread.... fat free... low sodium... low/no carb.. no sodas, skim milk, unsweetened tea if i went out, water, and god bless, i had a second unassisted pregnancy in dec 2000... post partum, i was around 10-15 lbs from comfortable size 8... then they removed me from my thyroid meds..... ^~30 lbs in a month..... great.... so , while i know im blessed, my body has come back out of its healthy state..... i had been off my thyroid for 3 yrs prior to my pregnancy, and my pcos was in 'remission'.... here i sit now.... ~200 lbs, uncomfortable.... tired.... my ' ovaries' hurt, and the depression is so frustrating... like a brick wall some days... i try to cope. but have been in some seriously frightening moods.... we knew someone who recently killed herself.... mere weeks, after i felt like i couldnt go on..... it really hit home, and knowing it could have been me ......i have a wonderful husband who happens to be medically illiterate, and not a big 'dr'/'illness' type person, it's difficult to really get across to ppl i love the most how i feel , physically, ,mentally, emotionally, and my horrible attitude and anger don't help.... you know.... the vicious pcos/thyroid/depression/ i feel like @#$* cycle..... im sorry to write a novel, but tonite i seem to be a little more down... Is it really to much to ask to just feel ok???? you knkow... work doesnt understand, and im retail , and im salary, and right now, ,by the end of the day , i am so exhausted i fall asleep driving.... can't think straight... etc... i know many of you have been there , so thanks for lettiing me vent.... just feeling particularly frustrated tonite.....

santa'sbaby · 02-08-2003, 12:49 PM

Hi Hold,

I am sorry that you are having such a rough time right now. I do hope that things have gotten a little more in light since posting.

I was just wondering, what meds are you on now? Have you talked to your doctor about how you are feeling?

April

Lendi · 02-09-2003, 12:33 PM

Hi, Leafsgirl. I'm was just wondering how you're doing. Hope you're having a nice weekend

Keep in touch so we know you're ok. Hugs, Lendi

leafsgirl · 02-13-2003, 02:37 AM

Hi Lendi,
I thought i'd hold off for a few days before replying so i could actually say something positive... but i can't. i feel horrible, if that's possible.. and i'm so unbelievably frustrated. i keep telling myself to snap out of it and be positive but it's not working. i feel like a stranger in my own body.

dreamy28 · 02-13-2003, 03:31 AM

leafsgirl after reading your post I can totally relate. I suffer from depression too and have always thought that PCOS was a huge contributing factor to the depression. Today was an especially tough day for me depression wise - I didn't even go to work. I am in Toronto and perhaps we could start chatting - I would love to be a source of support and understanding for you.

santa'sbaby (April) - Could I get the name of your gyno that you are seeing? I am in Toronto.

curlygrrl · 02-13-2003, 10:49 AM

((hugs)) to you! I can really identify with how you're feeling.

Hope things get better soon!

leafsgirl · 02-19-2003, 05:15 PM

Hi ladies, I need your help.
I wasn't sure whether I should be adding to this post, or starting a new one... but i'm going back to the Dr's tomorrow and i'm going to ask her for anti-depressants. I just can't handle this anymore. Things aren't getting better, if anything they're getting worse.
I've researched a couple of anti depressants (effexor, wellbutrin and a little bit about zoloft) but i'm not sure what I should be asking for.

I know some of them can cause weight gain and/or low sex drive.
I think from what i read i liked the effexor, although i can't remember why.... i think i'm on information overload lately and i'm not really comprehending much of anything.

Any suggestions/ feedback you guys might have would be greatly appreciated. I know i haven't given you guys much notice but i just made the appt today.

scarletakb · 02-19-2003, 05:16 PM

wellbutrin is pretty effective, and it doesn't have the nasty sexual side affects that some of the others have...