Is this all my life is ever going to be?

Katy · 03-14-2006, 05:58 AM

I know I've posted here before in the past about the same hopelessness. I signed up at the site 3 years ago last week and one of my first posts was about being unemployed and depressed. 3 years ago yesterday in fact well nothing has changed.

I went back to school and got a vocational degree in December 2004. In that time I've now as of today lost 2 different jobs. My boss today when I asked her about my job performance told me I'm in the wrong field. She even had the gall to make snotty comments about me being single and childless (I was working at a daycare). She wanted me to stay for 2 weeks while she replaces me but I called a little bit ago and told her no.

I've lost job after job after job. I'm 25 and still unable to keep a job so I feel like I must be hopeless. I live with my parents which she also was cruel enough to make comments about. Nothing I do is right for anyone. I love kids but she said she felt like I hated some of them and would rather be alone. My heart wasn't in it blah blah blah. She called me a liability issue and said I was dangerous to children. My last job said I didn't supervise very well but that it would come with time and experience well according to this boss I'm such a poor caregiver to children that she worries about their safety.

I blew 2.5 years of my life working on that vocational degree and working. Both jobs were in Headstart which has high standards but I feel lied to and tricked because when I asked why she couldn't have said anything months ago rather than today she claimed I needed to grow up and learn to get a clue and take subtle hints.

We talked on the phone a bit ago and she said it just wasn't the right fit for me and I should take it as a learning experience blah blah blah. But right now all I see is two jobs failed in a year. The first one was a temp position and I guess my quitting this one was mutual because I knew in my heart it wasn't working out but I'm 25 and have never had anything work out. I have an uncle who is 40 and has lost job after job and I am worried I will be like him.

I've been accepted for university this fall as an online student through Washington State University but my whole plan was to be a teacher and I feel like because I've been done with community college for a year and still haven't found the right job.

She also made comments about my social skills etc and maybe she's right. I have no friends not even online ones and I'm an outcast in my own family. I've never dated or anything and right now all I see is a big fat loser who can't do anything right and fails everything. The only thing I did well was get good grades in college but being booksmart doesn't give you life experience etc or the ability to do decently in jobs.

I took this job because I needed something after my temp job ended and really I know it's all my fault for being a loser rather than my boss's fault for not bothering to tell me in October that I was having problems.

I feel like I'm the only person in the world who's reached 25 without the ability to have normal social relationships or hold down a job. My one and only steady job which lasted more than 6 months ended in August 2001 after 2 years. It was in fast food so that's really not saying too much.

I'm depressed enough as it is being single, fat, a virgin, and living with my parents but now I don't even have a job to get up for. I've been so good with my diet lately but I'm so unhappy right now I'm scared I'm going to start binge eating again and gain it all back.

I posted a similar post 3 years ago so maybe it's never going to get better for me. I told my mom I did not deserve to have them care about me since no one else in the world does and that I may as well start living life as a homeless person on the street.

All I want to do is die. I'm tired of trying and trying for the past 4 years and failing.

batb23 · 03-14-2006, 06:39 AM

I Am So Sorry For What Your Going Through I Wished That There Was Some Magic Word That Would Take It All Away And Make Everything Better. You Will Find Another Job I Just Know It. And About Your Weight Don't Worry About It I Know Its Hard Not To I Am One To Be Talking I Am Very Over Weight My Self. And About You Being A Virgin I Comend You For That Not To Many People Now A Days Can Say That The Are. And Belive You Me Sex Is Sometimes Over Rated Haha. But I Know Where You Are Coming From And Don't Listen To What Other People Say They Are Just Insucure In There On Lives So They Have To Lash Out At Everyone Else. I Hope Things Start Looking Up For You. Just Have A Good Attitude On The Outside No Matter How You Feel Inside And People Will Respond To You In A Good Way I Hope Nothing But Good Things For You

Twinmommy2008 · 03-14-2006, 08:25 AM

Please seek professional help, counselling or talk to someone you trust. I have been there, depressed and having similar thoughts. Have you been diagnosed with depression? I have clinical depression and it is an illness, it can be controlled with meds and counselling. I am married, still childless, and a working professional. There were days I never thought I'd make it through, but i promise you will if you try. Take one day at a time and decide to take control of your life. One person cannot make your life choice for you. Maybe you havent found the right job or workplace yet. You are still young enough to gain experience in this field or try a new one out. Living with parents is your business, not your bosses and its an awesome way to save money. How about trying a volunteer position in your field and getting realsitic feedback and working on areas for improvement without the thought of being fired. People love volunteers! Ask yourself, is this your passion? Is this something you get joy out of and want for your career? If so, get more experience and a nicer boss who can work with you to better your skills.

sassy82 · 03-14-2006, 08:41 AM

I have no advice for you.....but lots of (((((hugs!))))) going your way. It looks like you are doing WONDERFUL on your weight loss!! You just keep it up! Things will get better, I promise! Keep your chin up!

Katy · 03-14-2006, 07:45 PM

I would love to be able to see a counselor but without money for one I'm not sure how that would work. I did tons of volunteer work in college with children and loved it but I feel like all the positive feedback I got from those places was a lie. This is the second field I've switched to. I was originally a Business Economics major in school even though deep down I wanted to teach since I was a little girl.

I want to work with kids. I'm just not sure how I can do that because I think where I'm really talented in is focusing one on one with children rather than having to watch large groups and it seems most jobs require working in a classroom with many children which maybe I can't do.

LvoeRuby · 03-15-2006, 02:35 AM

Things will get better! It takes time. I know how you feel, i went through a horrible series of terrible jobs, but each one led to the next better job.
Don't let it get you down.

Don't let your employer walk all over you. If she's being that nasty to you, no matter what or who was wrong, you don't want to work there anyways. You deserve much better.

I found sucess through temping. Try going to a agency for office professionals. They usually offer classes to improve your skills and you'll learn new skills in each job. Your resume will build up really fast and you'll have more confidence dealing with whomever you need to and maybe you'll have more direction about what you will be comfortable doing.

Jo-Anne · 03-15-2006, 02:42 AM

Honey dont let a few people put you off what you want to do. Who's to say they are the experts. Why dont you join some clubs like swimming and other keep fit interests. This will make you feel better and you never no prince charming may be waiting for you. You gotta get out there!!! I no its hard but honest i have been were you are now. I still am in some ways but a lot more possitive about it. xxx

am0rcita · 03-15-2006, 03:25 AM

Call this organization and ask if they offer mental health services. They offer medical services on a sliding-fee scale.

http://www.commhealth.org/

Katy · 03-15-2006, 05:17 AM

I spent a lot of time thinking today and reading about depression. A lot of depression symptoms really sum up my life especially the past 4 or 5 years when the depression symptoms really began.

I just feel hopeless, alone and afraid all the time. I think part of why I do so poorly at jobs is the depression and that's why I don't see how poorly I'm doing the way employers do. I have no motivation. All I see is hopelessness and despair. I can't remember the last time I was really and truly happy and not frightened. Everything seems like the end of the world to me.

I've begun to cut myself off from other people including my own family because of this. I have no friends because I have isolated myself. I'm shocked my parents even still care about me and haven't kicked me out yet because all I see is someone worthless who doesn't deserve love, happiness or to be cared for. I let a man mentally and emotionally abuse me online for a long time because I felt like I was so worthless that he was the closest to a relationship I deserve to have. He's not in my life anymore but I still feel like that.

I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I don't clean my bedroom anymore and have gotten bad about doing my laundry. I don't even feel motivated to put pillowcases on my pillows. I felt useless and unwanted at work and I know it wasn't fair to the kids but I could not pull myself up out of the darkness enough to be what they needed and in the end I hurt myself and lost another job but I feel like I can't help it.

Everything just seems hopeless and pointless. I've felt for the past 4 years that no matter what I do it doesn't matter because I will fail anyway. I feel guilty for everything even if it's not my fault. I had a cold and gave it to my dad and felt guilty as hell.

Even when I was working getting up everyday was hard. I wanted to be happy and enthusiastic and wonderful but even though I wanted it the drive and desire to do it wasn't there.

I feel like my only purpose in life is to the this fat loser who never gets to be a real adult and live like one and was only put here on this earth to the be the one person that everyone could treat like garbage and lie to and never feel any remorse for it.

I don't think I deserve to be alive anymore or even have a roof over my head. I can't afford mental help and I feel so damn ashamed of even needing it but I can't do this alone anymore. I can't and I'm so sick of trying. I gave up at work and with my family and with friends. No one wants me.

I'm never going to be a teacher because of this misery I can't shake. I used to think if I went back to school and got a job and lose some weight I'd feel better and I did all those things and still I wanted to die every day and all I could see was what a failure I am.

I wanted a husband and babies and my own house. I had this whole life plan of going to school and working then meeting someone and getting married and having my own kids and maybe being a stay at home mommy someday. But no one wants a girl who can't hold down a job, isn't pretty, is fat and unhappy. Everything went fine until I made one big mistake of moving to New York when I was 20 and everything fell apart from that moment onward. I feel like the only happy period of my adulthood was from 18-20.

I just wanted to be like my younger siblingss. My sister is a soldier and my brother is a computer programmer. They succeeded but I can't and all I see is misery and emptiness. I just want everything to end and I feel like all I can do is keep trudging along in a world that has no place for me. I want to be normal. I want to be a normal girl who had a normal social life and a first kiss and first date and friends to go and be with and a husband and children because I feel like a monster for not giving my parents grandchildren by my age. I just wanted to be someone they could be proud of instead of this loser who isolates herself from them in her room and goes through jobs like normal people go through kleenex.

I can't concentrate on anything which I think was the worst thing for my job. I'm easily distracted by all the worries going through my head. I was slow at doing things at work even simple pamper changes etc.

I have no sex drive anymore. Not that it matters since I'm a virgin but it's died. I can force myself to have an orgasm but its no fun and doesn't feel very good. I used to have no problems.

I feel like I'm drifting in a sea of sorrow and unhappiness and like I'm on the outside of life looking in. People treat me like a child because I seem so helpless and hopeless and lost. I don't feel like I'm 25 because of the unhappiness. I want to be normal but I don't know how to go back to the person I was 5 years ago. That girl had hopes and dreams and friends and confidence. The girl I am now has nothing except a dull ache in my chest and wishing all of this would end.

Kibbie · 03-15-2006, 06:34 AM

Katy, my heart is really going out to you. I read your post yesterday, and I have been thinking about you ever since. Your posts are beautifully written. So very sad, but so eloquent.

I think I recognize myself in your posts, at least I recognize the "old" me. That feeling of hopelessness, insecurity, self-loathing, and inability to look forward to anything in life, the lack of motivation to perform even the most routine chores....yep, I was there too. Loveless, childless, overweight, and depressed.

Things DO change for people though, things CAN change for you. Sometimes it's hard to wrap your mind around that concept, because my guess is...right now you are so depressed that you probably don't even care if things change. You are not too far gone, my friend. You can feel better, you can love and be loved, and you can feel happy again. My life changed drastically, but it didn't happen overnight, and it probably won't happen for you that way either.

Pulling yourself out of the void won't be easy, and will be harder if you try to do it by yourself. Sometimes we really need other people to give us support, and carry us through the rough times. There is no shame in that, there is no guilt, and we all need to accept help from time to time in our lives.

Depression is a true illness. It's not your fault, and you need to try to let go of the guilt you feel. Depression and guilt go hand and hand, and that doesn't mean you actually have valid reasons to feel guilty. You do your very best...and if you don't achieve perfection, you chastise yourself and feel guilty, and feel that you are letting others down. Love, you are only human, and the rest of us are too.

I tried to find some volunteer/free therapy programs in your area, but I was only able to find a few places within a 50 mile radius. If the distance isn't a problem, let me know...I will track them down again. I did, however, find this...

http://suicidehotlines.com/washington.html

You're probably thinking that seems extreme, but they are not there to judge you, they are there to help you, and chances are, they can connect you with some free resources for counseling and/or treatment programs. If you are feeling suicidal on a daily basis, you need to call. Even if you have had only one thought of ending your life, that's one thought too many, and you need to call. You are worth something, your life is worth something. You are worth being loved, by your parents and by other people. You are worth getting to know. You are worth the time it took the ladies here to repond to your post, you are certainly worth every minute I have spent researching therapy programs and writing this post.

I read something posted at the website I linked you to...maybe I should have just posted what I read, instead of risking writing the wrong things, but I just had so much more to say to you. This is part of what I read...

Quote:

There are very few words...

which can comfort a severely suicidal person.

There are few who know the URGENCY...

the pulling, the tearing

the twisting, the turning

the moaning, the crying

the desperately dying

I hope there will be something I can say to you now,

that will help you find a reason to stay alive for another day - find a reason to bear the unbearable pain until relief comes.

Find something or someone to live for, for a little while

Let someone help you through and beyond this horrible, but temporary time in your life.

Please Remember !!

You can always kill yourself - L a t e r !!

JUST DON'T DO IT now.

Put it off - for another hour, another day.

Give yourself a chance to get help.

If you had cancer, or a heart attack, you would suffer then too - in a different way - but you would let it hurt till you could get well.

If you can decide to let it hurt, without acting on the impulses for a little longer, with the right help, you could feel so much better that one day...

You will look back
and forget
what it was like to hurt so badly.

I know it hurts,
I know you are dying
my heart feels your pain,
my tears are for you now
to help you get through.

Others who are here at this site now
cry with you and for you too,
and for themselves.

Let their hearts
care for you for a moment,
for an hour,
for another day...

Let yourself jump ahead in time,

to the day when you are free

from the pain and sorrow,

and you will look back

on the distant memory

of how you almost died,

but somehow you lived through it.

I'm just a PM or a phone call away, and I know there are many other women here who are also just a PM, IM, or phone call away. I'm thinking about you, and I will continue to think about you and check back here to see how you're doing. Please keep us updated, please keep me updated. I'm sure you are on the minds of many right now. I wish a feeble little internet smiley hug could adequately convey my wish to put my arms around you and give you some warmth and support.

You hang in there,

Lisa

Kibbie · 03-17-2006, 01:20 PM

Katy, how are you doing? Please check in when you can....

mandi78 · 03-18-2006, 09:10 AM

Katy-First of all, please know that you are not worthless. Your family loves you, they aren't going to turn their backs on you. But, I know how you feel. I think a lot of us do. But, look....you have lost over 40 pounds.....that is an awesome accomplishment!

I think it would really do you good to seek out some assistance. There are mental health agencies and even some health departments offer free counseling. A lot of drug companies will provide anti-depressants to you free or discounted if you don't have insurance. You don't have to go on suffering like this. I promise, it can get better and there is help out there.

Also, you mentioned that you like to work one-on-one with kids. You should look into being a para-professional. They assist teachers in the classroom but work one-on-one with kids who need extra help. Here is a link to information on the requirements for your state.

http://www.paraeducator.com/news/wa_nclb_para_guidelines.pdf#search='washington%20p araprofessional'

I hope you are feeling better soon. Please know that we are here for you. Please also know that God loves you and you are His child and He would not have put you here if you did not have a purpose. Believe me, sometimes I feel worthless too and I often wonder why I am here but deep down I know there is a reason. Please PM me if you need to talk.

Mandi

03-20-2006, 10:21 AM

I think I can relate to how your feeling, and the fact that perhaps there is not a lot of support from those close around you. My mum who I love dearly often throws cruel and unwanted comments at me and I don't think at times she understands how much it hurts me.

I don't live at home, but I live close to them which I figure is a problem for me and I am looking to move away from them to try and salvage my life or what is left of it.

guineapig · 03-22-2006, 05:49 AM

Katy,
You musn't give up hope just because of that awful boss--she sounds like she's insane, telling you things like that and bashing you for your personal life choices; it's NONE of her d@#n business!!!

I wanted to suggest a career of speech therapist. They typically work one-on-one with children or teenagers and get paid pretty well. You can work in hospitals & private institutions too, if you get tired of school settings. Much better than parapro--my DH used to do that and it's minimum wage (GA anyway), although you do get benefits.

I also wanted to commend you on your 40 pound loss--that is something else!!

I can't even lose 5 pounds, lazy me.

And above all else, darlin', do NOT be ashamed of yourself for being a virgin. I wish every day I had waited until I was married (or engaged, but we eloped so there wasn't one to speak of).

I wanted to ask, do you have a pet? I see a lot of pet therapy at the hospital, and it generally brings everyone's emotions up to be around animals. Just a thought, something other than the counselling others have already suggested.

Feel free to PM me also, if you like!

JumpingFrijoles · 03-22-2006, 06:01 AM

Keep your head up Katy,

I feel your pain...I am also unemployed and have not been able to find a job in the past 3 months....I have a bachelor's degree from a 4 year univeristy and sometimes I feel that it was just a huge waste of time and money. BUt I am determined to find a job. I also know what it is like to be over wieght and lack self confidence. As they say, we are our greastest critics so we tend to overemphasize and exagerate our flaws in our minds. Dont worry, you have a friend in me and I stand by you on your battle to loose weight. I have been exercising daily and eating pretty good for tha past 2 or 3 months and have lost no weight thus far...sometimes I also feel like giving up because I continue to gain weight...but I force myself to stick to it. Even if I dont loose weight, exercising and a good diet does improve the health. I had insulin resistance but I no longer have it so I hope that that can be a first step to loosing weight. It is hard and I know it very well but we will over come this...I have faith and hope!

Take Care and good luck