For all those waiting...

Erin H · 03-05-2009, 04:29 PM

I just wanted to start a thread for everyone who is waiting for placement. Maybe we can be some support for one another through this time. Is there anyone that wants to join me?

kimmy-ki · 03-07-2009, 02:41 AM

Hi Erin,
I'd love to join you! We just found out on Wednesday that we've been accepted and are now waiting for a placement. WOOO HOOOO!!! After all these years, I´m finally going to become a MOMMY!!!!

Are you waiting for a baby or a child? We are doing a national adoption in Mexico and are open to adopting a baby or child of either sex between the ages of 0 - 4. The agency told us that we are high on their list and would most likely be parents by the end of the year, if not earlier. They keep giving us the impression that they are already working on something, but they refuse to say anything specific because it is their policy to remain shush shush until the child has been legally released for adoption and it's a sure thing!

Isn't waiting for your baby/child the greatest feeling in the world?!??!?!

Sam29 · 03-07-2009, 10:13 AM

Hi Ladies,

I am a bit behind you guys, but would still like to join, we are starting our homestudy in May.......and then will sign up with a couple of agency's to wait on private domestic adoption.

Here's hoping it moves quickly and smoothly for all of us

kimmy-ki · 03-07-2009, 09:41 PM

Hi Sam,
Good luck!!! Sending you +++ vibres that everything moves along quickly and smoothly.

Forgot to mention we are going to start decorating kiddo's room. We are picking colors for either sex--bright yellow and blue. We have Mexican tiles with whimsical creatures on the floor so we might have an artist paint one of the creatures on the wall. Very fun! Now we just need to find a good artist... hmmm...

Erin H · 03-09-2009, 11:55 AM

Hi Sam and Kimmy! Waiting is very exciting because you just do not know what to expect. We could find out tomorrow that there is a baby waiting of we could find out today that a mother picked us and is 2 months along.

Kimmy-It sounds like getting the room ready is the perfect way to pass some time. When you finish it you will have to post some pics. It would be wonderful if the agency already has someone in mind for you.

Sam-Did the homestudy people tell you how long the homestudy would take? Mine only took 1 month from start to finish. Some people it takes a few months. Hopefully it will not take long and you can get your name on the list quickly.

AFM-We are waiting on an infant. We are going through a small acency. In Nov when we started talking with them there were 3 other couples, then in Jan when we got everything in there was only 1 left, now it is just us! Hopefully it will not be long. I am so happy that I have others ladies to share this experience with.

kimmy-ki · 03-10-2009, 10:00 PM

Hi again Erin-- How exciting that you are next in line for a little bundle of joy!!! Isn't it hard to contain the excitement and wonder? I've started having all sorts of interesting dreams. When I have time to spare, I start imagining all the possibilities--boy, girl-- baby, pre-toddler, toddler...!!!! It's crazy but so much fun. I have a strong feeling that it's going to be a boy. Actually I really want a girl, but DH and I decided not to specify because we prefer it that way. (DH doesn't care either way! And anyway, we want to adopt two, so if the first one is a boy, for number 2 we will request a girl!) We've already picked out the names... how about you? For a girl, Cloe Anais and for a boy, Phillip Roderic. We choose Phillip because a dear friend of ours named Phillip died in January and we want to honor his memory. Of course, if the child is older, I´m not sure how the name thing works. I know we can legally change his/her name but I don't know if it is recommended for children aged 3 or 4. I just have a feeling in my gut that it will all work out, so I'm not worried at this point.

Erin H · 03-12-2009, 04:36 PM

Kimmy-It sounds like we are thinking the same. I also find myself constantly thinking about life with a baby! We told the agency it did not matter the sex. I really want a girl and DH wants a boy, but we will both be extatic with either. Our names we have picked out are Caroline Grace and John Parker. We will call him John Parker too. I really like your names. Naming him Phillip will be very special. My mom and I went shopping this weekend and she bought my my first baby things! I picked out the cutest little bunny and a Peter Rabbit utensil set and matching plates. I think after all the let downs of ttc I cannot bring myself to buy anything yet. My mom on the other hand does not have that problem!

kimmy-ki · 03-14-2009, 05:34 AM

Erin--Love your names!!!

Grace is one of my absolute favorites it and sounds lovely with Caroline. My niece is Lily Caroline, I just love that name as well! The reason I couldn't pick Grace is twofold--my cousin beat me to it and also, since we live in Mexico, we would need to call her "Gracia" in Spanish and it doesn't sound good to my ear and DH doesn't like it. Sigh... John Parker is also a nice name, very simple and classic...
The lucky thing for you is that since you know you're adopting a newborn, you can start stocking up on newborn stuff! That's so cool... For us it doesn't make sense to buy anything for DS or DD because we have no idea at all about the age!

However, today we picked out the fabric for the curtains... a cloud design! Next week we're going to have a professional artist friend come over and think of ideas for having him paint the walls of kiddo's room. We need to go with primary colors for boy or girl. I'll definitely post pics once it is finished!!! We're also moving our study to another space and making room for a playroom...

After all these years of infertility, I´m on Cloud 9! (Hence, the cloud curtains!) We even went to the fertility specialist today to follow up because I had my second m/c last month and he was really surprised that we were in such good spirits. We explained that the adoption was confirmed just two days after my D & C, and that it is a fact that we are going to be parents very soon. So even though I´m turning 40 next month and just had a m/c, I feel happier than than ever because mommyhood is just around the corner! I know it's very strange for most people, but we believe now that our adopted child is just waiting now to come into our lives and we feel incredibly blessed that he or she is on his/her way!!!!

Sam29 · 03-14-2009, 10:38 AM

Kimmy,

I know how you feel! After years of TTC that is so hard on you emotionally, it is a relief to move onto something else. I can't believe how happy you are knowing every thing is in motion and it is going to happen for you soon!

I am still waiting on hearing back from our social worker to confirm our homestudy for May, hoping to hear from her soon as it is very hard to get a homestudy in our area.....I can't wait until every thing is in motion and we are just waiting to be chosen!

jillyb · 03-14-2009, 11:55 AM

I'd love to join you guys.

We are adopting from Russia, and our papers were sent there this week, so we're officially waiting for a referral. It's awesome to have the support of those who truly understand! Great idea!

Amberlyn · 03-14-2009, 07:11 PM

I'd love to join too. We were matched back in January with a birth mother that we really clicked well with. She let us come to her prenatal visits, everything was all set up, she was 100% certain in her plan. Then, last Monday, the day before the baby was to be born, the baby-daddy (who is incarcerated) convinced/sweet-talked/bullied her into letting his mother take the kid and just like that we were out.

But it didn't stop there. The next morning, a few hours after we knew the baby had been born (scheduled c-section), we got a phone call from our counselor. Her first words were, "are you sitting down?" Well, the baby came out and the birth mother suddenly wasn't sure the baby-daddy was really the baby-daddy. So she decided she couldn't, in good conscience, send the baby with his mother. She called us to the hospital, where we spent over four hours holding the baby and bonding with her, and the mother apologized up one side and down the other for her poor and hasty decision the night before. She asked the agency to begin the legal steps for the adoption and everything was back on.

Next day, I went to the hospital at the time the mother had asked me to be there. I was there for about 5 minutes when the agency person showed up and they needed time alone, so I stepped out. When the counselor stepped out of her room, she basically told me that the mother asked to be left alone to get some sleep and to call her later. So I waited a few hours and called her, and got a really cranky/standoffish vibe from her. Didn't feel good at all. She said she'd call me the next day. However, the next day, the counselor went to see her again, they called baby-daddy together to tell him the kid may not be his, and then the counselor called ME and said "she has chosen to explore other options altogether."

Bam, just like that, two months of planning gone. The room is painted and the crib and bedding are set up, tons of clothes are washed, folded and neatly organized in the dresser, the car seat, stroller and swing were ready to go. When we were matched with her, we had ZERO baby stuff. We (and friends/family) had killed ourselves in the past several weeks buying all this stuff, putting together furniture, painting, etc. And now it's all gone.

We feel like we dodged a bullet in some ways; if she is really that flaky, we don't really want to be dealing with her for the rest of the baby's life anyway. We feel this wasn't our baby, even though it hurts to say, since we did get to bond with her some. So now we are back in the saddle and hopefully will get another match soon. Thanks for listening.

Sam29 · 03-15-2009, 12:44 PM

Amberlyn,

What an ordeal! You sound like you have come through it well and are ready to move on....good for you for being so strong!

Hope you are matched again soon!

How many agencies have you registered with?

double_eclipse · 03-15-2009, 01:15 PM

Hi everyone, I saw this post in the new post section and I came in here to tell all of you good luck. I am a birthmother, and I hope that all of you have smooth, easy placements with no problems.

To Amberlyn, I would just like to say that I am very sorry for your loss and tell you how it was for me. I "knew" my adoptive parents for 5 months through lots of phone conversations...and all the reasons I wanted to place my baby...and all the reasons that I couldn't give her a good life, etc. I was not a young, impressionable girl...I was 23 and educated, but I had a lot of family responsibilities and other things going on in my life that made it IMPOSSIBLE for me to be able to raise her. However, when she was born...I forgot all of that stuff. Really, placing a baby is a blind leap of faith. I have talked to thousands of other birthmothers who agree. It's really not about being flaky (unless that was the plan all along). It's that it's just so different...making plans for a potential baby (even though it's alive and moving inside of you) is really different from giving your living and breathing child away to people you don't really know. That's why I say it's a blind leap of faith. I knew from 2 weeks after I found out that I was pregnant that I would place my child and I still struggled in the end and almost changed my mind. It's IMPOSSIBLE to know how you will feel. I imagine it would be even worse for a teenager. I'm so very sorry that you had to lose that baby and I'm sorry for the baby and the birthmother. All of you will probably suffer from this for a long time. My recommendation is that you NOT let this sour you towards the next birthmother. The more time you spend getting to know her and letting her feel like a part of the family the more comfortable she will feel surrendering. Are birthfathers allowed to surrender their rights ahead of time in your state? You might want to consider trying to get that done too.

Good luck, and I hope I haven't upset you. If I have, I'd be glad to delete this post. I really didn't want to. I really just wanted to show you how we feel and give you some insight to make things easier for you.

Hugs,
Stacy

carolinagirl913 · 03-15-2009, 01:20 PM

Oh gosh Amberlyn, What a nightmare. It is one of those risks that we all know about going in, but we hope and pray that it doesn't happen to us. I do know the pain you are feeling. I lost a biological child. You seem to have a really good attitude, but it is ok to let yourself grieve. It is a loss. I hope that your next match works out.

I would like to join this list. We had our home study done in February and have sent in our paper work. We are waiting to tie up a couple of loose ends. We should be official by the end of March. We are adopting from an agency in Utah because Utah's laws are better than in South Carolina. We are very cautiously hopeful. We have already been through so much TTC, losing a child, TTC, and now adoption. I just don't know if we could handle another loss.

Good luck to you all!

Amberlyn · 03-15-2009, 08:48 PM

Stacy,

You certainly didn't upset me. I appreciate your willingness to share your story! I really didn't mean to speak badly of the birth mother, it's just that there were things she could have done differently that would have made it an easier process, even if the result ended up being the same. For example, she lied about the fact that there were multiple possibilities for fathers. She said all the way through there was only one... then baby was born and she didn't look anything like him and suddenly she admitted there were several others. I can understand that, it would be embarrassing. But still, it's so important to be honest. She was old enough (30), she knew better, but I'm still not mad at her. Only hurt. She also didn't do all she could've to help the agency find this guy, despite their begging her to do so. I think she thought he would just go away and the adoption would go off without a hitch. That worked fine, until two weeks prior to birth when he WAS located and refused to consent to the adoption.

The other thing that made me use the world "flake" was that she has done this before. This would have been her third time placing a child for adoption. I could never EVER claim to understand how that feels or imagine doing it, which is another reason I say I'm not angry with her, just hurt. But we allowed ourselves to feel a false sense of security when she told us (tons of times), "I've done this before, I know what it feels like, and I'm ready for it." Not that I'm silly enough to think every single pregnancy would be the same or whatever, I just mean we really trusted her and it ended up backfiring.

So, I hope that you didn't take my post as a slam against birth mothers, I really didn't intend it to be one. Birth mothers are incredible people as far as I'm concerned and my hat's off to each and every one of them, even ours. Even though it didn't work out and I wish she had handled things better, I know it still takes courage to do the planning and stuff that she did, trying to put the baby first. And I absolutely don't feel any differently toward the next birth mother. I am glad that we are more educated now and have been through this once so we know what we're doing next time. Hopefully that will end up benefiting the child, us, and the birth parent(s).