All you happy moms I need a pep talk.

Delila · 07-24-2004, 02:56 PM

My dh and I started adoption process after my last m/c in April. We are done with the homestudy and almost completed the picture book and bm letter. We decided not to pursue any more treatments for now. Or so he thought....I went to a new RE and for some reason I was able to talk Dh into one more try. We still had all intentions of adopting even when I got pregnant. Well we paid for this last IVF out of pocket...perfectly good debt that could have went towards adoption....it was a total bust. I didn't even make it to the transfer this time. I am so mad at myself for insisting on trying again so soon. I knew that adoption was right for us from the start we always planned on it someday even before we new we had problems ttc. I have jumped right back into focusing on the adoption but I can't help thinking I want to try IVF again.. deep down I know the only thing I will end up with from that is ovarian cancer or something horrible from all the drugs. I am going to be 40 this year. My husband would be happy with any child any age any race. I even suggested a donor egg and he freaked out. He could careless if the child was biologicly his. Why can't I get totally passed this. I feel so guilty. I guess I don't even have a real question I think I just need to hear how wonderfully happy all of you moms are. Thanks for listening.
Delila

so-tired · 07-24-2004, 08:01 PM

{{{hugs}}}

Let me start by saying I have never gone thru IVF or any fertility meds ever. We knew from the get-go that adoption was right for us. But I do understand to some degree what you are going thru. It is ingrained in us to have children. Society is not as accepting of adoption as people like to admit. We cannot help but feel the pull to have bio kids.

I will say if you are open to adoption, have at least an idea of what you are getting into, and think it is the right decision for you I would suggest you go for it!!!

If you are open to age I suggest you look into your state social services. They have an immense need for homes for older children (older is 5 and up in my state). Not only would the adoption cost less, even nothing in some states/counties, you would truly be changing and helping a child. In my state if you adopt an older child not only do the reimburse for most if not all expenses, they give them medicaid until the are 18 and sometimes even a subsidy (up to $800) but that is usually for "special needs children".

We adopted thru social services, altho we are considered a kinship placement since we had an emotional attachment with BM and our now DS. This is where she wanted him. we will not get reimbursed for most expenses, but the cost is still very low (around $4000).

I could not be happier with my decision to adopt. My son feels like my flesh and blood, and even tho he is not it does not matter. He is a part of our family and I could not imagine loving someone more than I love him.

Best of luck to you!!! Feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat.

{{{more hugs}}}

-heather

momto2 · 07-24-2004, 10:41 PM

Delila-
((hugs))!! I know just what you are feeling. I went through 3 rounds of IVF (only one round was successful, but I miscarried twins at 17 weeks), and even after that miscarriage (my fourth), PLUS developing a life threatening blood clot and pulmonary embolism from the IVF meds-I STILL wanted to try again. We were talking about adoption at the time, but I just really still wanted to be pregnant! The turning point for me came when I showed up at the reproductive endocrinologist's office after all of these events and asked when I could start again. He looked at me and said "It's okay for you to stop trying now", and something inside me just let go of it. It felt so good to have someone else tell me it was ok to stop trying-that I had done all I could. I realized that day that my goal was to be a mom no matter what. Now I am a proud and happy mom of two beautiful kids from Korea (Maddie, age 3, and Jack age 1)!
There is more than one path to being a mom, you just need to decide which is right for you. If you choose to adopt, know that the moment your baby is placed in your arms you will know that everything you tried to do in order to get to that moment was necessary.
Sorry this is so long, and best wishes to you!

spookycyster · 07-24-2004, 11:35 PM

Delila,

(((HUGS))) I understand how you feel, the need to try "just one more time". I think anyone who has done fertility treatments feels this way. You just KNOW that THIS cycle is going to be IT. Perfectly normal way to feel and to think. And just as normal to be totally pissed afterwards when it doesn't work out like you planned.

We did 2 IVF cycles last year; both were total busts. I was telling my mom the other day that I was upset that we had spent so much money on fertility treatments and that I wished I hadn't done the cycles and "wasted all that money". She said that if I hadn't done the cycles, then I would always wonder "what if". Her answer got me to thinking and I know the answer to my "what if". We had to go thru those 2 cycles and be disappointed in order to be in the exact right place at the exact right time for ds to come to us.

I firmly believe that the pain of infertility that dh and I had to go thru over the past 5 years put us where we were supposed to be to be ready for ds to come to us. He was just waiting for us to get to that "just right place " in our lives.

I know that probably doesn't make your heart ache go away. I'm sorry. I understand how you feel, as it's not been all that long ago that I was where you are now. Get your book done and finish that bm letter!! Turn those in to your agency so your forever child can come to you. That child is out there waiting for the perfect time and the perfect place to come into your life. It'll happen.

(((HUGS)))

Delila · 07-26-2004, 12:01 AM

Ladies,
Just wanted to thank all of you for your replys. I can't really think straight right now and I want to go back and read them all again tomorrow, but when I read them last night they made me cry. A good cry though, not the usual why me cry. You all gave me the optimism I was looking for. Thanks again
Delila

Ange75 · 07-26-2004, 11:29 AM

Delila - I'm so sorry - I do understand as you know from our IVF board mine was pretty much a bust too. I won't know for sure till Thursday but I haven't had anyone tell me they had a 4 celled embryo work - so I'm not holding my breathe. Its so frustrating but I'm really starting to get excited about adoption. I know that there will finally be a positive end to the long long TTC struggle and that makes me so happy.

I know I will continue to mourn not being about to be pregnant or have a child that looks like me or dh. But at least I will have a child. I have also been telling myself that I will have experiences that others won't. Others won't get the phone call that they have been matched, etc.

Hang in there!!!

kimberly SS · 08-02-2004, 12:57 PM

Maybe you feel like you want to continue with the bio child because you have some (a little bit) of control over that. But when you step into the adoption arena you feel like you just have to turn everything over to someone else. I felt the same way. But here is my story and maybe it will help you. We had been ttc for 2 + years, also took adoption classes as Plan B. We took the classes thru a private gov. agency and then for governmental funding reasons could not use them. So we had to go private or thru the county. We decided we would take any race, any gender up to age 6. Our county told us they were not an "adoption agency" they just wanted us to foster. BUT I didnt let them get away with that. We decided to continue TTC with clomid and IUI's and do the adoption process at the same time (VERY STRESSFUL) I got pregnant in Feb 2004 and m/c end of March. The day I went to the RE and found out I m/c my SW called and said that they had potential kids for us. The day of my d&c we found out all about the kids and scheduled a time to meet them. We only wanted 1 - 2 kids but we got 3. All thru April we had the kids for weekend visits. Then the begining of May we brought the home. THEY ARE GREAT! boy-3, boy-2 and girl 1. Of course it is hard going from 0 to 3 but it it so worth it. I am so glad that this is how it has worked out they are such a blessing. They needed us as much as we needed them. The ttc months were so up and down emotionally and very expensive. Of course you need to do what is best for you but my experience is ADOPTING IS THE WAY TO GO!

Delila · 08-02-2004, 01:13 PM

Thanks Kimberly. I think I know deep down adoption is the way to go for us too. I have been going through the process all along while doing IVF's etc....I didn't want to lose any time if IVF didn't work. We are definetly going through with an adoption. I am also considering a donor egg sometime down the line. I have a feeling though once I adopt it won't even be an issue anymore. I have finally decided for sure that I will not be having any bio kids of my own. I am not going to put myself or my husband through that again knowing how old and what bad shape my eggs are in. I am calling the phone company now to get my 800 # and hopefully start advertising within a week or two.
Delila