My due date was supposed to be February 16th. I was going to go to the cemetery to see my son.
Things happened, I could not go that day. So I was going to go Sunday, tomorrow. But I'm not going to. I don't think I'm going to the cemetery until the gravestone unveiling. I will *NOT* miss that.
But I just...can't go. Forget the fact I'm on modified bedrest until next month, I could still drive out there and go visit. I just don't want to cry (more than I already do) or think more horrible and sad thoughts.
I am just so tired. I can't split myself in 2 very well. For the son I lost, and the baby I'm carrying now. At the moment, I'm sick and trying to heal..I'm doing everything I can to keep this baby safe and healthy. But that means not thinking about my son. That just makes me sad..
I don't make any sense, do I?
I really don't feel good, I feel like crap...and everything is just so hard right now
__________________
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Daniel Benjamin born/died October 4, 2004. Ari Lev born/died May 21, 2005.
As hard as this is to read, please do not feel bad. Easier said than done, i know.
But You carry him in your heart always. Your son is giving you the strength to move on with your new blessing.
Take care of yourself.
__________________
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Our sweet angel, Mohamed Matthew Raymon Illyas,
born and at rest on November 30, 2004.
Lived only 30 precious minutes...(IC at 20 weeks) Forever in our hearts, Together in our dreams.
We now live our life for you. We love you Matthew, our little Angel.
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I absolutely....ABSOLUTELY...know what you're going through right now...i spent my due date on bedrest too with the baby i carry now...and its terrible...i know. And where did i come but to these women who understand...who still struggle and yet still offer support and encouragement...and i can say emphatically that NO...you are NOT a bad mother...
Your day will pass and you will think about your baby from the minute you wake up til you close your eyes...and you will do what you can do. I have plans for when i am allowed out of my house...until then i promised my girls i would do all i could to take care of this baby they sent me from Heaven...thats all they want of me right now.
big big hugs to you...
__________________ Kim 40 PCOS/IR/IC/PIH/PTL
DS6yrs-preemie-30w)Twins-Met,Prometrium, Puregon Injectibles DS3YRS
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TTC#4 w/Injectibles-IVF conversion/CERCLAGE/6.2mo bedrest/emerg c-sec at 38wks
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__________________ Trina, RN, age 32, single mom
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Furbabies: Heaven & Koa (2 pit bulls)
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Renee,
We just have to do what we can, my friend. There's nothing more we can do. You love and treasure Daniel, you miss him and honor him. Special days like due dates and such are more important to us than them, of course. So just observe it when you get the chance, especially physically but mentally also. The new baby needs you most right now, and there's nothing wrong with tending to him/her first. I felt the same guilt or anguish myself a couple of months ago, but it's better now. Give yourself a break.
Hugs to you and your little bean,
Sheri
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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I can't really say anything better than what has already been said. So I send you many hugs and no, you are not a bad mother. Your dedication to this new baby proves that.
I think you can only do so much, and Daniel's not in that cemetery, anyway. He's right there with you and his little brother or sister.
__________________ Dominici was born May 2006!
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Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
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Am I a bad mother? :( 
Ditto what everyone else said. 
