I was on the Preg Board for a while and miscarried end of March. The day I found out I miscarried, we got a call from our social worker about 3 bio sibs that we might be interested in. We told our social worker all through the process that we wanted 1 or 2 children. We have met the kids in their foster homes (they are split up at this time) and they have come to visit us. There are 2 boys and 1 girl, ages 3, 2 and 1. We keep going back and forth between wanting them and not wanting to take them. 3 is so many and they are so close in age. We have been ttc and adopt at the same time for almost 2 years and now I dont want to settle, but also dont think I could be a as good of mother to 3. Too tired, and worn out. And the we think there is something medically wrong with the youngest. But the SW says no. She is very pale complected, circles under her eyes, always has her mouth open and sometimes her tonge sticking out, drooling and I dont think that she can breath thru her nose, snores when she sleeps and you can feel congestion in her chest. I dont know-I would like all the suggestions, encouragement, discouragement you can give me.
First... I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I hope you are healing both physically and emotionally.
Second.... wow! What a tough decision! It is really one of those hard decisions only you and DH can make. Your life would change so much overnight and never be the same. For better mind you. But like you said... you would be tired... probably be a lot more tight financially... and very overwhelmed. But the payoffs would be tremondous!
Also... the youngest... it sounds like it could be anything as simple as allergies (pet, dust, etc) or needing tonils/adnoids removed. I myself have horrid circles under my eyes that I have always had and was a "mouth breather" until I had my tonils and adnoids removed. I am also very pale... but that is just genetic. It could be simple. But listen to your gut.
3 children is a lot of blessings and a lot of work. I have one 4 month old and I feel overwhelmed sometimes... but I know that when fate steps in sometimes..... you have to just believe that everything will happen the way it is supposed to.
Good luck!
Keep us updated! let us know what you decide to do!!!
-Heather
__________________
~Heather~
Mommy through the miracle of adoption to Christian (4 1/2!!).
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I just had to reply,
I am a new mom(thru adoption) of 3 boys age 4,9, and 11 who are brothers.(We had ttc for 4 and 1/2 years with no success) They had lived in seperate foster homes for 2 years until we were picked to be their new family. They moved into our home on Dec 31, 2003. It was very scary to take 3 boys in at once, but I would not chance that decision one bit. My DH and I during the homestudy process kept telling the social worker 1 or 2 kids would be acceptable but when we got the call for the 3 brothers and we met them we just knew we could do it. It hasn't been easy, but the only thing I would chance is that the kids had been younger when we became a family for them.
I just want to wish you best of luck and just go with your heart and pray to your higher power for the answer.
Mary
** I should add that our 3 blessings are special needs kids,our 11 year old is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, is legally blind in 1 eye and has ADD. Our 9 year old is mildly retarded, is on growth hormones due to failure to thrive. Our 4 year old is delayed due to the neglect in bio home** Being a mom to 3 special needs kids is a wonderful challenge and I wouldn't trade them for the world. Infact, we are starting to look into the possiblity of starting the adoption process again to add a little girl**
When I saw your post I just had to see what people were saying. We finished our homestudy on Monday last week, and since January we have been saying 1 or 2. During our homestudy our SW kept on and on about how we should be open to 3... Anyway, DH and I are also concerned that we aren't ready for 3... 2 seems like a lot even... Well, I would love to hear what you guys decided to do. I hope it all works out for you, what ever you choose.
__________________ Stephanie
30 years old/ DH 27 -- Married 12/16/2000
Dx PCOS 09/2000 - Janumet 50/50
And 3 sons thru the MIRACLE of Adoption
Austin (7), Andrew (8), Anthony (9)
i too wish you a fast recovery, and am so sorry.
it is an enormous decision, and if you are not ready to make it, dont. You know what you can handle and what you cannot, and sometimes we overestimate what we think we can do because we want to be able to.
i dont mean to discourage you, if you feel it is right, them go for it, but dont think that this is your last chance to be a mother.
You also dont ever want your kids to feel that you settled for them, as they may pick up on those feelings at some point of their lives.
i truly hope you recieve the clarity you need. take care.
We took in two foster children, ages 3 and 7, last January. (We have a six year old son also). When we took them it was for two days--- They asked us to keep them for longer, and my gut said "No," because I could already see it was too much work. (I work more than 50 hours per week.) Well my heart gave in and I begged my husband, who also said it would be too much work, to give it a try.
It's been three months and I have had three people this week say how tired I look. I took the children on and shouldn't have.
Every time I see the little boy asleep it's worth it, but as soon as they are misbehaving again, I wonder how long I can continue. Both children are ADD and the seven year old despises women.
Anyhow, I would definitely listen to my head and not my heart on this one. . . . The children in my home are precious, but they have turned my world upside down. Not to mention the lives of my husband and son.
I am now faced with disrupting the placement and asking that they be moved to another home. Not good on the children. . .
Your instinct is probably right, and with recently miscarrying, it may not be the best time to adopt anyhow. (I'm truly sorry, BTW.) Good luck in whatever you decide, and bless you for looking into adoption.
__________________ DH (32)
Me (29)
Son (7)- Adopted on 02/05/03!
"Part-time" Foster Parent
Would love to talk with other transracial families!
i am sorry about your m/c. hugs!! i agree about the little one, it sounds very much like allergies. it sounds EXACTLY like me. i have horrible allergies but am doing much better on shots and things. as for the number of children. i have a bio son who is mild special needs. i have a 2.5 month old special needs foster son. and then i took in a 3.5 yr old foster daughter. i thought, i can do 3 if i can do 2! no problem. WRONG!! we unfortuantely had to disrupt after 4 days. it was too much, although i was dealing with 2 special needs boys who are very sick very often and a 3rd just put me over the limit. listen to your head not your heart is a good piece of advice, i wish i had. i put the whole family and that poor girl through 4 days of he**.
good luck in whatever you dicide. and there is a child/dren out there for you, these are not the only ones.
I just wanted to say I agree with what everyone has already said. Rely on your instincts and intuition. It is usually right!
I just wanted to add there are so many children out there and you do need to make the decision that is right for you and your family.
We personally turned down at least three possible situations because we knew they were not right for us. Stressful and upsetting at the time but it worked out great in the long run. We now have the child that was meant to be ours. We would not turn back time to change any of the decisions we made.
Good luck and I will keep you in my thoughts,
Tricia
__________________ Married since Oct 2000
TTC for over 3 years
Off meds
Dh and I have decided adoption is right option for us!
Our son Sam was born 11/07/03 and came home to us on 11/12/03, oh the miracle of adoption!
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Only you know what you can handle and what you can't. If you are determined to be aprents to these three then you can make it work. Depends on the support you have and how good you are at budgeting, etc.
If they all go to college at the same time you can get a *ton* of financial aid for having so many family members in college at the same time!
I just wanted to pipe up that my sister was very sickly looking when she was young and now she is fine and smart and 23 and a college grad.
First, we adopted a one year old and then three weeks later I gave birth. SO, our kids are only about 12 1/2 motnhs apart. While it is really hard right now, others that I have talked to say that you pay early on, but it is really easier later than kids that are 3 or 4 years apart. Kids close in age will play with each other, keep each other entertained, and often are in the same little league or swim classes etc.
Second, can you take the little girl for some medical testing, say, at your own expense? I would sure want one or two medical opinions and not just the Social Worker's word? If she does have a lot of medical problems, it probably wouldn't be fair to the other kids to take it all on.
Last, if you are already approved for adoption, in many states that also means you are considered licensed as a foster home. Can you take these kids for a "trial run" for a week or two?
If, in your heart, you look at these kids and have emotion and want to love them and give them a home, I think it is worth looking into further.
Good luck and keep us posted.
__________________ DS - 6
DD- 5
DD- 2 1/2
What were we thinking?!
I would do what you feel is right, go with your head not your heart. Those kids will find a great home even if it isnt yours.
I wish you luck in your decision, its not an easy one.
{{{ hugs }}} for your loss and your pending decision
Amy
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Amy (34) To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. DH (36)
DS (7) To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. DD (3)
Oct 09 - Femara 5mgs Days 3-7 BFN
Nov 09 - Femara 5mgs Days 3-7
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We are licensed to foster and adopt. We can have them as soon as we want them. I really wouldnt want them for a trial run. Would like to have a decision made and stick with it. They have already been moved into 3 foster homes in the last year. I would still get her tested ASAP. However, I really think it is allergies and that she takes after bio dad, boys take after bio mom. We have friends we met in the adoption classes that took in 4 boys all under the age of 5. So I am sure that I can do this. Just dont feel like I could give them any individual attention. How do you do it?
Well, we are fairly organized. We have split the chores and each one of us knows exactly what we need to do. (I work. DH is SAHD. AFter work, we eat dinner (the baby can sit in the swing or play pen or whatever while making dinner and my one year old plays in the kitchen cupboards). After dinner, I do dishes with one of the kids in the kitchen with me and DH bonds with the other one.
Then each night I do one cycle of laundry-DS helps with this - he loves to sort. Fold one load, move washer load into dryer and put one load in the washer. So, if you want to wear a special shirt on Friday, it better be downstairs by Tuesday.
Anyway, then I shower with the 1 year old (this is his choice - he loves when I am in the shower so we got him Aqua socks and he just goes right in with me now.)
Someone will usually read the one year old a book while the other feeds the baby and then everyone to bed.
The toughest part for us is nap time, as the baby isn't on a schedule yet.
But, at ages 3,2, and 1, they should be on a pretty consistent schedule (even if the 3 year old is on a different schedule than the one year old - it should still be fairly consistent). And, if it isn't, get the Weissbluth book, "Healthy sleep habits, happy child".
We still do find time for the internet in the evenings.
I don't have all the answers here, and, quite frankly, when the baby was born, the first 8 weeks were really hard just trying to figure it all out. But it really is do-able.
To answer your question about having time for everyone. I feel pretty comfortable that both kids are bonding well with each of us. The one year old (actually 15 motnhs now) is at the age where he likes to play on his own but wants us to be close by to show us what he did. This is normal development for his age. So, I would think if you had three little school desks, taped paper on all of them, and gave each child some crayons or chalk (we use chalk, it seems easier for my DS) it could be a lot of fun for them and you.
I guess it finally got easy/easier when we figured out that the 1 year old just wants to follow us around. So, we let him. He wants to be in the kitchen when we cook and in the basement when we do laundry and in the shower when we shower. It is not like we have to find time to be with the kids and also time to do the dishes, we do them together.
I am rambling here. And I disagree with the others, I would follow my heart, not my head.
Everyone creates their family in their own way. Some have 5 biological children starting at age 19, some have one biological child starting at age 42, I adopted one and then gave birth, and you might adopt all 3 at once. Maybe. There is no right and wrong, which is why I would go with my heart. But that is just me.
The kids will love you even when you screw up. Really. And I think it will be esier than you think to give enough love to each.
Now, other issues. All the gear needed to stay overnight at a grandparents house. A double stroller and a single? How many play pens?
If you want to do it, you can. It can be worked out.
__________________ DS - 6
DD- 5
DD- 2 1/2
What were we thinking?!
The perm custody hearing was 4/28 and bio mom gave up custody of 7 of the 10 kids, including our three. SO, THEY ARE ALL OURS. We decided to take them. They are coming this weekend and then coming for good next weekend, in order to give the foster parents time to get used to the idea.
Thank you so much for all your replies we really took them all to heart and prayed a lot in order to make this decision.
Am I Crazy? 
