Am I making the right decision TTC?

Samie · 11-04-2009, 11:43 PM

I posted this on the Mommy Boards earlier, but would also like all my TTC to chime in as well, regardless if you've already had a child or not. Thanks ladies!

Both dh and I want a baby together, for lots of different, individually important reasons. And we have started TTC, we started back in July.
The reason I am asking if we are making the right decision, is because our middle son, has a pretty severe behavioral disorder, and causes an enormous amount of stress in the home due to his behaviors. He's aggressive, pathologically defiant, manipulative, and overall extremely difficult to parent in traditional ways. I understand why he this way, and we do have him seeing a wonderful child psychologist, and the school is putting him into a program specifically for emotionally disturbed children along with regular education.
Some days SC is my ONLY reprieve from the ongoing 180mph emotional rollercoaster we all deal with.
I can't help but sometimes doubt our decision in wanting to have a child together, because of "what if" questions...like regarding pregnancy, small newborn, jealousy, etc.
But then at the same time, both dh and I truly in our hearts want to have a child together, and unfortunately w/ my body, we don't have a whole lot of time left. The whole reason why we started TTC a year and a half earlier than we originally planned, was on the urgency of my doctor. Partly because he knew it might take us longer than some, because of my PCOS and my left tube being gone now.
I also, don't want to put the rest of our lives, including our other children's lives on hold just because of one. I understand about sacrifice, and we've all made huge sacrifices because of his illness. But a part of me feels like giving up on having another child, is just too much of a sacrifice for dh and me.
Thoughts? Part of this is primarily a vent, because its been kind of rough around here the last couple of days.
TIA

Eumie · 11-04-2009, 11:55 PM

I agree that you can't keep your life on hold for one. I'm tempted to tell you to go ahead and ttc because I know you want it, but as you readily know, it's just not that simple.

What you have to weigh is the added stress to you and your husband. This will include how your young man might react because how he reacts has an effect on you.

We can give you all the advice in the world, but essentially you need to find a time where you and your husband can talk about this away from the madding crowd...of children. Get a babysitter, or call a trusted relative. Do it on a day that hasn't been particularly good or bad.

This is such an emotional decision that you really have to take as much of the emotion out of the equation as you possibly can when making the decision.

Samie · 11-05-2009, 12:05 AM

Thanks Kendra.
We've done that. When I had my post op with my dr. and we needed to make the decision to either, 1) stay on BCP, or 2) come off of them and start trying.
We've talked more about it since then, and with close family, and the psychologist. No one is outright against it. Dh is 100% for having another baby. He wants another child. He doesn't feel like I should have to give up on us having another baby because of 1 child, because he says, who's to say, he's going to always have these issues, etc.
And in all honesty, the last six months, while they haven't been easy by far, they've been the "easiest". Only because we've finally put things in place that immediately deal with the issues. And I think we've finally understood that what works for our other kids, does not, will not work for him.
I think part of me feeling this way from time to time, is just me being insecure about it all.

Samie · 11-05-2009, 12:11 AM

Kendra~ I'm going to talk to Dh some more. He'll probably just tell me I'm overanalyzing things again. But at least I'll feel better about it. Thanks hun!

duramater · 11-05-2009, 12:26 AM

I have no advice, but I'm sorry you've been having a rough time. ((hugs))

abacalvarywife · 11-05-2009, 12:28 AM

Have you looked into Applied Behavior Analysis for your son? Although it is rimarily usedfor chidren with Autism, it had been shown quite effective for those with oppositional defiance and other behavioral disorders.

It sounds like a big descision and I pray that you are able to make one and have peace with it.

Samie · 11-05-2009, 12:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by abacalvarywife
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Have you looked into Applied Behavior Analysis for your son? Although it is rimarily usedfor chidren with Autism, it had been shown quite effective for those with oppositional defiance and other behavioral disorders.

It sounds like a big descision and I pray that you are able to make one and have peace with it.

No, but I will definitely bring it up with his dr.
The great thing, is we are seeing an excellent dr. who has specifically specialized w/ children who are on the more severe spectrum of disorders.
The one thing that has given me peace about TTC, is that he has very bluntly said, "Don't put anyone's life on hold for this, because if you or they do, its taking the easy way out, because later on, its not going to happen and its easier to deal with and help him early on in life w/ these life changing events than later."
Thanks!

Samie · 11-05-2009, 12:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by duramater
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I have no advice, but I'm sorry you've been having a rough time. ((hugs))

Dura, thank you!
And I can't believe your already 11 weeks!! Goodness how time flies!

Eumie · 11-05-2009, 11:19 AM

I think insecurity is just always a small part of being a wife and a mother. I think you probably know what decision you're going to come to, but I think it's always important to address these times of doubt in the case that in evaluating it, you find that your wants have changed.

Good luck to you. And ABA is a fabulous tool. I don't know if it would be for your son, but it's definitely worth mentioning to a specialist like you seem to have!

redsoxfan · 11-05-2009, 02:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Samie
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I posted this on the Mommy Boards earlier, but would also like all my TTC to chime in as well, regardless if you've already had a child or not. Thanks ladies!

Both dh and I want a baby together, for lots of different, individually important reasons. And we have started TTC, we started back in July.
The reason I am asking if we are making the right decision, is because our middle son, has a pretty severe behavioral disorder, and causes an enormous amount of stress in the home due to his behaviors. He's aggressive, pathologically defiant, manipulative, and overall extremely difficult to parent in traditional ways. I understand why he this way, and we do have him seeing a wonderful child psychologist, and the school is putting him into a program specifically for emotionally disturbed children along with regular education.
Some days SC is my ONLY reprieve from the ongoing 180mph emotional rollercoaster we all deal with.
I can't help but sometimes doubt our decision in wanting to have a child together, because of "what if" questions...like regarding pregnancy, small newborn, jealousy, etc.
But then at the same time, both dh and I truly in our hearts want to have a child together, and unfortunately w/ my body, we don't have a whole lot of time left. The whole reason why we started TTC a year and a half earlier than we originally planned, was on the urgency of my doctor. Partly because he knew it might take us longer than some, because of my PCOS and my left tube being gone now.
I also, don't want to put the rest of our lives, including our other children's lives on hold just because of one. I understand about sacrifice, and we've all made huge sacrifices because of his illness. But a part of me feels like giving up on having another child, is just too much of a sacrifice for dh and me.
Thoughts? Part of this is primarily a vent, because its been kind of rough around here the last couple of days.
TIA

Samie,
You have so much on your plate. I hope that things get better for you. I'm sure that whatever decision you and your husband make will be the right one. I don't think that there is an easy answer, but I think that you are both loving and caring parents who have thought long and hard about this and I believe that you have the wisdom and strenth to deal with potential issues that may arise. Hugs to you.. keep us posted!

Samie · 11-05-2009, 02:19 PM

Well, so I did bring it up with Dh this morning after the kids left for school. He still wants to try. He feels that it won't be an issue anymore than it already is basically. While we both wish we had the time to wait, we don't.
If we wait, we risk me not ever being able to, because we both know I will have to have a hysterectomy eventually even before menopause because of some of my girlie parts being messed up and family history.
My doctor did the surgery to buy me time basically. So Dh said, if it comes down to waiting and not being able to have a child, or having one sooner than planned, he'd rather have one sooner than planned.
So for now, I think we're going to keep trying au natural. And if we aren't successful in another 6 months, we're going to go back to my doctor and get extra help.
Thank all you for your feedback, I truly take it to heart.

AliciaJ83 · 11-05-2009, 09:12 PM

Samie, I feel for you. I hope you get the baby you and your DH want.

Nikki_osu · 11-05-2009, 09:51 PM

Samie just from the little bit we know of you from reading your posts it seems you have an enormous amount of love in your heart and I think that you should continue. You are doing everything you can for your son, like any great mother would, and you shouldn't put your life on hold. Maybe a blessing it what your family needs.

In my thoughts,
Nikki

Samie · 11-05-2009, 09:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nikki_osu
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Samie just from the little bit we know of you from reading your posts it seems you have an enormous amount of love in your heart and I think that you should continue. You are doing everything you can for your son, like any great mother would, and you shouldn't put your life on hold. Maybe a blessing it what your family needs.

In my thoughts,
Nikki

Can I just say that I LOVE SC!!
Nikki, your words mean so much, I am literally tearing up...I'm blaming it on being post ovulatory.
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

ALL of you ladies, are so amazingly supportive, understanding, and compassionate. Thank you for being a proverbial shoulder to lean on!

WifeyC · 11-05-2009, 10:42 PM

Samie, you always are the first one to offer encouraging and loving words to anyone else on SC. It only seems fair that you are the one needing the encouragement. I'm a teacher of special needs children and I get various kids through my door. I have had a few behaviorally out of control children. I will tell you that as your son's mom, you must have a wealth of patience. I know how the parents of the students I have had feel and they can be very overwhelmed. You seem to take it in stride and consider the blessings in your life. I agree with abacalvarywife. Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) is usually used for children on the Autism Spectrum. But because of the nature of how it is done, it works very well on getting behavior on the right track. Also, I don't know how old your child is, but one of the things in my experience is that younger children who exhibit behavioral disorders also tend to have difficulty expressing their true inner needs and they have trouble processing things, whether it be things they hear, things they see, things they learn, etc. . .It's just something else to think about to help your little guy.

As for your decision to TTC again, you are a strong woman and obviously, a very committed and loving mother. To be a mother of a child with ANY special needs is difficult. But to see it as a blessing and decide to bring another miracle into the world and give it love, wow, I am in awe of your strength. You really inspire a lot of women on here to see life differently, to look at things with different eyes. You know what is in your heart, you know the amount of love you have to give, and you know if it's a good idea to bring another child into the world. I think if you do TTC successfully, that child will certainly be blessed to have a mother like you. It's a shame that some children don't ever know that depth of love.