I'm sorry I've been posting so much lately. Obviously, I'm having a really hard time. I think my marriage problems are making me so much more sensitive about losing Rivi. I already posted about the church get-together the other night. The two women there my age were wonderful, but one already has a one-year old, and the other is due August 1. I felt a little weird about being the only one with a loss, but it didn't affect me TOO much (except not wanting to freak out the pregnant woman).
Last night, I went to my best friend's house for a Southern Living Home party (like tupperware, mary kay, but home decor stuff). My friend has a 10-month old, which just recently started bothering me (sometimes I'm okay around him, sometimes I'm not). I really had to work all day yesterday to get the right mindset to see him, but I thought I'd be okay. And I was okay with seeing him - I played with him, and we had a great time at first. Then, her cousin showed up with HER little boy, which bothered me (babies I don't know bother me more than those I do know). Susan apologized to me, and said that she had no idea her cousin was bringing her son. I figured that if I avoided him, I'd be okay, since he was pretty much playing in the other room. Then, I realized that everyone there had little kids (1-3 years old). I was the only one without a baby to talk about. And the conversation was dominated by baby talk all night long. I had nothing to contribute to the conversation, so I sat there like a lump. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and made an excuse to leave.
I cried all the way home (and I took the long way, so I cried a LONG time). Suddenly I realized that I don't fit anywhere anymore. Women without kids can't understand my loss, or how important a child is, and I have nothing in common with women with kids because my little boy's not here.
I think Mother's Day and Hubby are really screwing with my head lately. Am I the only one who feels like I just don't belong ANYWHERE?
__________________ Dominici was born May 2006!
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Miracle Baby Boy Rivelino, born too early to live on October 6, 2004 at 24 weeks and 6 days. Never to be forgotten, always to be remembered, forever my source of inspiration.
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I think you should not push yourself too much right now, its ok to feel this way, I think you are expecting way too much of yourself.
Forget those other kids, is it possible for you to have some sort of short break or holiday? maybe a walking holiday or time out every day to do something that lets your mind rest from thinking? painting? going to gym?
My accupuncturist did mention someone she treated very successfully for deep grief after her partner died and I think you should consider it. Accupuntcure may help you to cope and rebuild your happiness.
Anyway, you're doing marvellously. Don't doubt yourself and your place in this world. You were meant to be otherwise you wouldn't be. okay?
Viv,
This totally reminds me of a child's birthday party we went to a while back. It was right before I conceived Mary Catherine, so we'd been ttc for about 18 months. I guess I was really getting frustrated, because I felt like we stuck out like enormous sore thumbs because we were the only big people there without children attending the party. All of our friends have kids. Little did I know just how badly we would "not fit in" after losing the baby. It got worse, definitely. I felt like I was walking around with a sign on my forehead that said "Mother of Dead Baby". This was something that everyone in my support group agreed that they felt as well during those first several months, so don't feel weird about it. I think it must be part of the process. The thing is, we can't control what's already happened. We can only control our response to it and how we go forward. If you want to make new friends, spread those arms wide and embrace life as it is, even when it makes you cry. If you need a break, structure your social outings in a way that you feel safe for a while. You will survive this. Seriously, if I can, you can. A year from now, you'll be telling someone else the same thing, especially if you can get past this marital trouble.
Hang in there, girl!
Sheri
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
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Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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Viv, you are NOT wrong to feel this way. I feel that I don't fit in sometimes either, and lately I've skipped family events, baby showers, and places where I know there will be a lot of kids because it's just too upsetting.
I think you are very strong.
And don't apologize for "posting too much"...I enjoy reading your posts and getting to know you better through this board.
__________________ Lean cyster ~ M/c @ 10 wks after seeing heartbeat 8/04, m/c @ about 10 weeks after seeing heartbeat 8-09. 2 chemical PGs lost @ 4.5 wks 1/05 & 3/05. 4/05: Dx w/antiphospholipid antibody syndrome.
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Awwww Viv...first of all why are you apologizing for posting...thats what we're here...you let it all hang out cyster...no apologies necessary.
2nd of all, you are so not alone!! A couple months after i had aimee and dana my sister dragged me to a lingerie party...ya know those shameful 'toy' parties that have you blushing before you get in the house? It was the first time i'd ventured out of my house...or to a party like that...and she wasnt going to let me NOT go...so i gave in. Well i think every single pregnant women in the universe was at that party...and i mean REALLY pregnant....i was still in maternity clothes cuz nothing else fit...but i was so empty inside...in sooooo many ways. To be honest...i felt like a stone statue...if i moved too quick i'd crack open and fall to peices...so when i couldnt sit there another moment and watch all these women who i felt didnt appreciate their pregnancies and didnt understand how lucky they were...(not fair to them i know but the anger stage was pretty strong then) i hung out at the food table and polished off a baked cranberry brie pie...and a couple hundred brownies.
I dont think no matter how hard you try to prepare yourself for those kinds of situations...they're always hard. And right now you;re being pulled between grieving for Rivi and moving forward in your life...its a real rollercoaster...i guess you just put one foot in front of the other...every day is a success...and you have so much on your plate right now...so go easy on yourself...you'll get through this.
hugs
__________________ Kim 40 PCOS/IR/IC/PIH/PTL
DS6yrs-preemie-30w)Twins-Met,Prometrium, Puregon Injectibles DS3YRS
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Reading your post brought tears to my eyes. I sure wish this were a local club and not just an internet thing. Then there would always be a place to go where you feel you belong. I remember being so angry because everyone seemed to be popping out kids and shoving them in my face left and right. It was so hard. I even at one point had attempted adoption and the girl changed her mind. Then she began bringing this baby by my work to show off, before the state took it away from her. Anyway, I'm not here to tell my story. I just want to say you belong here.
Hey Viv - Lots of love and hugs. I cannot be around little girls, especially the ones who have the same colouring Connie would have. You aren't a lone on that one. & don't apologise for posting - that's what we're all here for. I just wish I could get on here more!
You're doing really bloody well dealing with everything you've got going on. I send positive vibes to you often. I hope they don't crash into a seagull over the Atlantic and actually reach you!
Viv, in your situation, I would have left MUCH sooner. In fact, I probably would have been out of there as soon as I realized how alone I felt. So, I give you much credit for hanging around as long as you did.
I was worried I was losing it again. Everyone else was having a great time, and I just couldn't. I could feel the walls closing in, and I couldn't breathe. Thanks, everyone. I wish this was a local club, too. Then I'd pop into your houses everytime I needed a hug!
Kim, you said, "polished off a baked cranberry brie pie...and a couple hundred brownies." I took a Krispy Kreme bread pudding to the party, and I ate half of it and three servings of strawberry shortcake...
I know I'm too hard on myself. I've always had a perfectionistic attitude about myself - losing Rivi, and falling apart afterwards, kind of PROVE I'm not perfect, which really has thrown me for a loop. That, plus my marriage problems, means I'll probably be in therapy for awhile!
What am I, the recipe queen? Here's the recipe (it's handy because I had to e-mail it to Saturday's hostess - her Mom wanted it).
Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding (originally by Brad Legrone; passed through lots of people)
9 krispy kreme glazed doughnuts, at least one day old (if they can last that long)
3 large eggs
1 cup plus 1 tablespoon sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon rum extract
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon nutmeg
3 cups whole milk
1.Butter a 2-quart baking dish and set aside.
2.Tear doughnuts into 1/2-inch cubes and spread evenly in baking dish.
3.Lick doughnut glaze from fingers, then wash hands.
4.In a bowl, whisk together remaining ingredients and pour over doughnuts.
5.Let rest 1 hour.
6.Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
7.Make a water bath for the pudding by placing the baking dish in a shallow, ovenproof pan.
8.Fill the outer pan with warm water.
9.Place in oven and bake for 70-75 minutes, center should be firm.
10.Serve warm or cold, with whipped cream, ice cream, or a whisky dessert sauce.
What's sad is that I actually made a low-carb whipped cream to eat with this - DUH?!?
two weeks before I found out I was pregnant, my good friend (and co-worker) found out she was pregnant......... How exciting it was, to be pregnant with a good friend of mine........and then a week later, I was losing mine, and she was still carrying on about hers.
She invited me to her shower, and I told her I couldn't make it.........DH made me feel like a heel for not "being able to go"........men can be such assholes IMO ............ but it was so hard for me. She kept going on about gaining weight, feeling her move, finding out what she had.............I just really had a hard time for that whole year, and even now, every now and then I don't want to hang out with her and her baby.
ANd then there are other times, I LATCH on to people's babies..........just hold them, and hug them. I hate this Viv, and I don't know what to say. Today is a bad day for me as well.
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Dropping out of TTC... To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. good vibes to you girls!
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Viv,
Please don't make any apologies for posting! That's why the board is here. I look forward to your posts. When I don't see anything from you, I wonder, where is Viv?
What you are feeling is totally normal. Allow yourself to feel it. Don't make any excuses for what you feel. What we are going through is not supposed to happen, that's why we don't feel like we fit in. I think that's why we all come here. We're seeking people who understand us.
This will get better with time. In the meantime; cry when you need to, post here all you want.
You fit in here!
Gina
__________________ Gina
Mommy to a beautiful baby girl Victoria Elyse and 1 pampered furbaby kitty Lacey
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Mom to 6 angel babies and 1furry angel baby
"My heart is broken, but not my spirit. My desire to be a Mother is greater than my fear of another miscarriage." Gina M.
((APRIL)) I'm sorry you're having a sucky day, too. I found out I was pregnant (6.5 weeks) exactly three days before one of best friends delivered her baby, and exactly seven days before our OTHER best friend delivered her baby. I remember being so devastated while they were pregnant, because I was seeing a really crappy doc who told me I'd NEVER get pregnant, my cysts were causing too many problems, I should get a hysterectomy, etc. I hated hearing one of them (the less sensitive one) go on and on about her pregnancy, especially since she couldn't decide whether to get an abortion (YIKES! Not what I wanted to hear then). My other friend was very understanding and always let me raise the issue. When things started to go wrong with my pregnancy, guess which one was there, and which one was too busy to call to see how I was doing? After Rivi died, guess which one lets me decide if I'm okay around her kid, and which one never bothers at all? Miss Flaky was at the party the other night, which made it a lot harder, but the hostess was my GOOD friend, which is why I stuck it out as long as I did.
She left me a message yesterday, which I just got, asking how I was doing, that she knew the party was hard. I guess I do have one IRL friend.
Am I the only one who feels this way? 
A couple months after i had aimee and dana my sister dragged me to a lingerie party...ya know those shameful 'toy' parties that have you blushing before you get in the house? It was the first time i'd ventured out of my house...or to a party like that...and she wasnt going to let me NOT go...so i gave in. Well i think every single pregnant women in the universe was at that party...and i mean REALLY pregnant....i was still in maternity clothes cuz nothing else fit...but i was so empty inside...in sooooo many ways. To be honest...i felt like a stone statue...if i moved too quick i'd crack open and fall to peices...so when i couldnt sit there another moment and watch all these women who i felt didnt appreciate their pregnancies and didnt understand how lucky they were...(not fair to them i know but the anger stage was pretty strong then) i hung out at the food table and polished off a baked cranberry brie pie...and a couple hundred brownies. 
