I have been having a really hard time this last week since I found out one of my friends is pregnant. I keep having bad thoughts towards her that I wish she would miscarry so that she would know what it is like. I just don't understand why I am wishing that as I would not want any of my friends to feel the way that I do, but for some reason I just can't be happy. I have been in tears most of the week and I feel like I am going thru my miscarriage all over again. I have other friends that are pregnant and for the most part I am ok with it, why can't I be with this one too? It is just so hard and I don't know where to turn. My husband told me I need to see someone, but I don't want to take more pills (I am having problems with my stomach and am on a ton of pills for it). But I just don't know what to do. Please tell me that I am not a bad person for thinking these things and that you have thought them too. I just feel so guilty. God teaches us to love and care for our friends and our neighbors, but I just want them to go thru it too.
You are not wrong. No one can control what you think, you can only control what you say and do. However, have you been talking to someone, like a counselor or a minister? It's very normal to not want to hear about babies, children, or have a very hard time feeling joyful for other people's good news. But if your thoughts are going towards wanting other people to go through it, to me it sounds like you are not getting through this as well as you might feel you are -- sounds like you're trying to direct your pain away from yourself (normal and healthy) by wishing it upon others (not so healthy, especially if it's making you feel worse with guilt). You are not a bad or ungodly person for having these feelings -- it's not your fault. It is something we just must try to find a way to get through.
You don't have to have any pills, and if that's all you're being offered, you should find another kind of support -- one where it isn't medical. Pills CAN be helpful, but they are neither a cure-all or the only source of action. Talking to someone isn't going to make it better immediately, but it will probably help you manage your grief better in the longer term.
As I'm still in the middle of the process (baby stopped growing now four weeks ago and it still hasn't really made any serious effort to come out, and I can't get in until Monday so it will be six full days since I found out) I'm also a bit snappish, as normally I'm the one people go to to vent about things and get them off their chest. For the last few days though, all I can do is silently scream "my entire future is slowly being flushed away, and you're continuing to whine that the boss looked at you funny and you have so many problems. Please shut up and go away" while nodding a lot to whoever is self-absorbedly complaining in front of me. I'm not in a great place, but I do understand that this is normal and not a sign that something is wrong with me.
Looking at your avatar, I will assume that you're a believing Christian. I really hope that brings you comfort, and perhaps a pastor is someone you can talk to, although for this it may not be your normal minister who will be best suited. Many good and decent people can still not be good at this kind of thing, and sometimes the one who winds up giving you the most comfort can be that minister from the church down the road you never kind of liked, but turns out is the right one for this. The Lord does work in mysterious ways -- it's not so much that He can magically lift the pain from you, but He may just put the right person in your path when you most need them. But of all things, please don't go down the path of thinking on top of all the other things going on in your life you're a bad Christian as well. Religion should be a source of strength and serenity, not another list of things to beat ourselves up over.
And if I misinterpreted and you're not a believer, please don't take this post to mean that I think you should be. One's faith and belief system are one's own. It's just that you sound like you're in pain, and I'm just trying to help you find some different ways to deal with the position you're in that perhaps your grief hasn't let you see just yet. I know what it's like to feel like you're in a box you can't get out of, and sometimes you just need something to happen to show you that the lid of the box isn't actually on, or that the box turns out to have walls so thin that just a little push helps you escape it by breaking through the walls.
Infertility and/or miscarriage can make you bitter and weird and crazy in all sorts of ways you never imagined. No one wants to talk about it because no one wants to admit to having those feelings. We're all supposed to be stoic and carry on and accept our burden and be happy for other women, and when we don't, we fall short of some real or imagined ideal of how we "should" be feeling and behaving. Other people's ideal as well as our own.
I think I can pretty much assure that anything you feel, not matter how crappy and how horrible, someone else has felt that way.
So no, you're not wrong. You're human and you've gotten dealt a lousy hand. Anything you're feeling, even if it seems horrible, it's OK.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't consider talking to someone about it - but it doesn't make you certifiably insane, it doesn't mean you need medication as the only course of action. Sometimes just knowing other people have felt just as lousy is enough to make you feel a whole lot better.
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"We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt-stricken, sobbing, with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip..."
- the verve pipe
A grief counselor might be the right person to call. They have heard it ALL, and many of them have experienced similar losses. There are also support groups for pregnancy loss, etc., and it does feel comforting to hear your thoughts coming out of the mouths of others. We are coping the best we can, but it can help to have a safe place (in person, too) where we can express this stuff. If you go to a counselor rather than a doctor, there is a lot that can be achieved without drugs.
Hang in there! (((Hugs)))
__________________ Metformin 1500mg, Yasmin, managing IR/pcos with lower carbs
First pregnancy ended at 23 weeks due to incompetent cervix.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Mary Catherine will be in our hearts forever, November 28, 2003.
Second loss March 9, 2004 at five weeks
Third pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Duncan 2/11/05, 9lb 3oz
Fourth pregnancy, Cerclage at 13w
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I remember when I was TTC, we had a rough time, and I hadn't even been pg or had a m/c yet, but my sister had gotten pg with her 3rd during that time and I was sooooo bitter, especially since she could barely afford the 2 she already had, I had many a bad thought towards her, I felt horrible for my thoughts but had them all the same. It's not uncommon for women who've had a hard time concieving or who've had m/c's to feel this way. It's just something you have to work through.
Amanda - I think the hardest part of losing a pregnancy is feeling alone. Sometimes you just want someone else to feel what you've gone through. That doesn't make you a bad person.
I have to agree with the previous posters - you should find someone to talk to. I had taken antidepressants before and didn't want to do that again, but knew that I needed something to help me heal. I went to see a therapist for a few months and she really helped me with my grief and sadness.
We're here for you, too!
Hannah
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+ pregnancy test 6/19/06
M/C 8/21/06 at 13 4/7 weeks
+ HPT 9/13/07
Beatrix Adele born May 7, 2008
5 lbs, 17 1/2 inches
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I have been wanting to say that I think Amanda is a very brave girl to post these feelings. I am sure many of us have felt exactly like her from time to time but are too embarrassed or too proud to admit it. Amanda, I give you a lot of credit. Hang in there. I do agree going to talk to someone can be the best thing--once you get through the first awkward visit, it gets easy and I bet you will welcome your time with a therapist (your DH too). If you work, you may have access to a confidential EAP (Employee Assistance Program). Sometimes it is great to talk to someone who knows nothing about you/your situation and can offer unbiased help and lend a great professional ear and knows about grief counseling without any preconceived notions or judgments.
Very sad story. . . the day that I found out I had a Silent MC, I went home and in the mail was an invitation to a close friend's baby shower. I could have died. I ended up going to her shower and sitting there with a fake smile the entire time--it was so incredibly hard for me. A month later, she had a stillbirth at 37 weeks. It was so awful. I am so sad for her and all of us who suffer these terrible losses.
Take care.
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Am I wrong? 
