Am I wrong for being more upset this time?

T&Dplus4 · 09-09-2008, 12:05 AM

ok.... I don't know if my hormones are making me a total mess...or what....but the recent loss of my baby @ 12wks....has made me so sad and beside myself....that I started to think more about the babies I lost back in Jan. of 2000 and I feel total guilt!! I feel guilty because I mourn this baby way more then I did the twins back then! I can't put a finger on as to why??? I can only guess that...... I "knew" of this baby from 5wks on.....and planned for it and picked names and went through all the motions that you go through when you "know" you have a baby on the way. Yet, back in 2000.... I didn't "know" I was pg. until the day of m/c. I went to hospital for severe abdominal pain and I "thought" it was a growing cyst on my ovaries....and during the u/s....the tech went to get several doctors including my obgyn...whom was "on call" that day. Many many painful minutes later (about 45) they explained to me that I was pg with twins and that they could see on u/s that I was bleeding although at this point.....the blood hadn't come out yet! I was told....to expect to m/c one or both...and sure enough....later that night.... I DID!! Anyway.... I didn't have time to take in the thought of being pg. before I m/c'd and though it was sad to me at the time..... I feel soooooooooo much more sorrow this time! IS THAT BAD? AM I SOME HOW WARPED IN MY THOUGHT PROCESS? I FEEL GUITLY FOR BEING SOOOOO IN LOVE WITH THE BABY I JUST LOST....IN COMPARISON! Its not that I don't love my other babies....I just didn't get to this point with them! idk....I must be a mess!!
Thanks for listening to my battle with myself!!

hela · 09-09-2008, 08:01 AM

Tina that makes perfect sense to me, I lost twins last year at 22 weeks and I mourn them more than I do the 7 week m/c I had earlier this year, i think it's just human nature, you had more time to plan for this recent baby and work out all the "what if's".
I'm so sorry for your loss, it's never easy at whatever stage of pregnancy you lose a baby but I do believe that the longer you carry the more time you have to bond with the little person inside.

I hope you find a little peace but do give yourself time to grieve, someone said to me there's no wrong way to feel, you just feel what you do and live through it, I found that helped a lot.

big hugs

alwayzrn · 09-09-2008, 09:46 AM

I agree with Hela. Each loss is different and I have had several and the worst have been the last two that I lost in my 2nd trimesters. I mourn my first son Tre' because if he was born I would have never had the second loss. I then mourn Walter because he was supposed to make it, he was the good pg and healthy. Nothing is wrong with you and you should give yourself time to grieve. You had 7 weeks to plan for this baby. I am so sorry for your loss!!

HUGZ!!

T&Dplus4 · 09-09-2008, 11:44 AM

hela, and Adrianne....thank you for saying so....your probably right. I got to "know" and get use to the idea this time. Also....I know that this baby was my "saving grace" since I lost my mom in July this year...just one day after I found out that I was pg. I didn't get a chance to tell her about it...and so losing her and then finding out I was pg...made me have to DEAL with my mothers death in a different way! I couldn't have a melt down..although I did have a panic attack. I couldn't fall into bed and never get up....I had a baby growing inside me and that made me have to function and take care of myself and baby! Looking back now...this baby may have made me "postpone" my grieving for my mom!! Now I grieve for both!! idk....I just think having more time to plan and prepare and talk "baby" with my kids and husband...made this time around.....way harder!!
Thank you though...for your kind words....I really didn't want to feel like a monster....on top of everything else...but I was allowing myself to go there!! If ya know what I mean......and maybe now....I know its a "normal" human experience! sorry for the book! lol I just have ALOT on my mind!!

annem84 · 09-09-2008, 01:59 PM

I know how you are feeling. I grieve(ing) the last m/c more then other two miscarriages and somebody told me it was because I was farther along (12 weeks), saw the heartbeat and everything felt 'real', which is very true. Losing Maya @ 24 weeks has a grieving process all to itself but it is amazing how much more pain I feel just 4 weeks longer then the other two.