angel son would be 20 years old soon- children ment.
sorry. i really need to get this out. i dont know how i can handle yet another day, never mind his 20th birthday. winter, my then 14 year old, my oldest son, drown 5 years ago. he was born on thanksgiving evening. i was a teenage mother and had to deal with the abortion option that was being force fed me at the time by my parents. i controlled my body and life choice, and had to then give him up after 14 years! WHY?!
my other children are now older than him, and my stepchildren will soon be too. how can i live my life like this? summer time is awful because of his death-day, wintertime is awful because his name was winter-orion, and i am constantly bombarded with "i hate winter, dont you" and 'walkin' in a winter wonderland' and 'winter's here'. thanksgiving is horrible. just the smell of autum leaves reminds me of my pregnancy right before his birth. i am so tired of dealing with the pain. i want to be old and forgetful, i want to forget. i want to be with him. i dont want to know that 'he is with you every day' i KNOW that, i just want to HUG him!
I am crying as I type this. My dear cyster, I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I don't think anyone could ever get over a loss this profound.
Your son sounded like such a wonderful person. I wish I could have met him. I think his name was beautiful and I have always loved fall and winter and will now view them in a more reflective, thoughtful way whenever I consider the beautiful gift your son is.
How I wish I could bring him back for you. It seems so cruel that this happened. I will be thinking of you and saying a prayer for you and him on Thanksgiving evening. I promise.
you doont know how much your reply means to me. just knowing someone out there *hears me* and my pain.
winter was a really great kid who had given his dad the gift of his last years on earth. i saw him only on weekends, and the last time i saw him alive was 10 days before he died- july fouth. he died on the 14th. he was so sensitive to everyone, people called on him to advise them or listen to their problems. he was a ham, and an artist, a poet, a 'skater', a young man who thought he had just a few friends, but really affected so many lives.
its been so difficult to let my younger boys be teens, after seeing my oldest die. winter was never one to temp fate, but i believe that he was ment to go on that day with his friend, christopher robin g. you see, we used to call winter our little pooh bear. it helps, even if it is a "coincedence".
I loved hearing more about Winter! What a great kid he was! I can relate to the artist part. I have a degree in Art and remember what a creative outlet it was for me, especially as a teen.
Your post really caught my eye because I have one child, a son who is now 17. I can only imagine how hard it must have been to let your others go on field trips, etc. after the untimely accident. My dad was very protective of us 3 and there were many times we couldn't join other kids on trips, etc. it has been very hard for me to let my son go to events, too.
I am so glad to have met you here. I do have "Jenny and Winter" written on my calendar for Thanksgiving evening to honor in prayer the birthday of that very special young man.
thanks for the cyber hug! i'll take those any day. it does help just to know that somewhere in the world someone does care! i know people dont know what to say- i've spent 5 years with people avoiding me at the market! its nice to be heard and understood- even if you havnt been in the same situation. it's funny- we all hurt, as people, and yet we try to hide the pain, or to avoid the emotional ones who show it. thanks for the support. it really does help me get through the days!
jen
I’m too young to know what you’re going through as a mother who lost her son, but my brother died in a home accident when I was 8, he was 11. I know exactly what you mean about dreading various times of the year because of the birthday/death anniversary dates. They are usually very strange days for me. I find that on the anniversary of his death, I can’t help but relive in my mind everything that happened that day. The birthday is a little better, yet bittersweet because I think of what he would be like now, that it’s been so long I barely remember what he looked like anymore, etc.
I know my own mother feels much the same that you do. My brother’s been gone for 17 years and sometimes I think she still feels as much pain as she did immediately after his death. He died just 2 weeks after my younger sister was born, and my mom has often said that she doesn’t know what she would have done to herself if she hadn’t had the baby to take care of. I think for everyone in my family, there are good days and bad ones. For me at least, it has gotten easier over time, and part of that is just because I was pretty young when he died. Sometimes it seems like he was just a dream, or that that was just a different life back then (in some ways, it was).
I think it’s just different when a child dies. It’s not like with an adult who’s had a full life already. There is so much left undone, all that potential that never will become anything.
Have you ever heard of Compassionate Friends? I know there was a local chapter that contacted my parents after my brother's death. Their website is http://www.compassionatefriends.org/. It really helps to talk to people who understand what you're going through.
__________________ Beth, 29
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wow, beth,t hank you for sharing that. i always wonder how other children handle their loss of a sibling, because my boys wont talk about it much. they say what is done is done and they cant do anything about it. it might be that inborn man thing that their father has given them. yes, i have tried cf, but the drive got to me, and have posted on some grief boards as well, and they helped for about a year, then it got too hard to hear anymore grief. i know my younger son gets into more 'deep thoughts' around winters birth and death days. as for remembering how he looked- i sometimes have that problem, but then i look at the same youngest son. he's the spitting image of his brother!
again, thank you for reaching out and sharing your story of loss with me. it is a help to know that, unfortunately i am not the only person in the world who has had to live through the depression of bereavement.
angel son would be 20 years old soon- children ment. 
Kathryn
