Anxiety Attacks over upcoming Mother's Day **current pregnancy mentioned**

enits · 04-30-2006, 04:11 AM

I'm having anxiety attacks about this "holiday." We always have lunch or breakfast with my mother-in-law and step-father-in-law. Last year's Mother's Day was very difficult for me because I had my first miscarriage in February. Only one girlfriend and my husband acknowledged me on Mother's Day. I was very appreciative of them, of course.

Fast forward to this year. I'm currently pregnant. I have a feeling my MIL will make a big ta-da over me being a soon-to-be-mother. I feel angry that she didn't say anything to me last year. Wasn't I already a mom last year??! I wasn't expecting her to say anthing, though. I've stopped expecting a lot from people ever since I've had my miscarriages. Anyway, I just don't want her to make a big deal of it this year. I'm having all these irrational thoughts about the stupid day, which I'm really beginning to detest.

How can I say something to her that won't make her feel uncomfortable and yet be able to say what's going through my head peacefully? This is really, really becoming uncomfortable for me because lately, she has been on my and my DH's sh*t list lately.

SheriKCMO · 04-30-2006, 04:43 AM

(((Hugs))) and happy mother's day a little early!

I think you should send your MIL a card or letter ahead of the special day and tell her exactly how you feel. The wording can be very gentle and not hurt her feelings, but more importantly, you do not deserve to have your feelings hurt! You can even post a sample draft here if you want feedback. The situation is, though, that a lot of people really don't understand loss at all. They run and hide. Your new pregnancy gives MIL something really big to hide behind. It's your choice to allow this (giving yourself anxiety, obviously) or to somehow stop it or change it. You could even give her a grandmother's ring with the three birthstones in it.

Subtle, eh?

And if you can't figure out what to do, don't get together with anyone that day, just celebrate with DH.

Best wishes!

nicole47 · 04-30-2006, 05:55 AM

hugs!

Remember to breathe! In through the nose, two three four...

And remember that we can't change other people (except our children!). Her insensitivity is *her* problem, not your problem. That's just the way she is. It has nothing to do with you. There is nothing wrong with you and *you* know how important your babies are, even if she doesn't.

I think what I would do (from most to least brave)...

First, if she started making a big deal about baby #3, would be just to remind her about babies #1 and #2, calmly and firmly. And if I couldn't do that, I would cry. If she's uncomfortable with that, again, that is her problem, not mine.

Either that, or I would ask DH to talk to her about it beforehand... she may just not know what to do... people who haven't had miscarriages often don't and they just don't know how to not offend.

Finally, if it were a really big deal, I just wouldn't go (I'd feel sick). Facing your fears is important, but knowing that you DON'T have to do this, might help if you do go. You don't have to be getting anxiety attacks over this because you don't have to go.

You never know, she might not mention your situation at all-- I don't think my grandma ever honored my mother for mothers day, only the other way around... that's just not the way things work in my family. (Of course, half the time I completely forget mother's day and don't call my mom, which isn't a big deal unless my sister remembers to, since my mom also forgets these holidays.) Or if she makes a big deal this year, she may never make a big deal about it again once your children are growing up and no longer new.

Good luck!

VivC · 05-01-2006, 04:01 AM

Hmmm....I think you need to worry a little less about her feelings and a little more about yours.

It may make her uncomfortable when you remind her that you have a baby in Heaven, too. Everytime my MIL speaks about Dominici as though he's our first, I make sure I bring up Rivi. I used to care that it caused an awkward silence, but now I just ignore her. It's her problem that she doesn't acknowledge her grandbaby, anyway. KWIM?

Viv

enits · 05-01-2006, 04:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VivC

Hmmm....I think you need to worry a little less about her feelings and a little more about yours.

Viv, I need to hear that more often. I have to make that as my mantra. This is one of the reasons I ended up in therapy several years ago. I always seem to worry too much about other people's feelings and then start the what if's and it doesn't get me anywhere but BONKERS!

Thanks for the tips you guys. Nicole, as always, you know exactly what I needed to hear. I just hope that I have the strength to face my fears. (I had to dig out my CBT manual this weekend to re-read about deep breathing!!!)

Sheri, I like the subtlety approach you mentioned. That's another possibility!

saluki_fan · 05-01-2006, 07:41 PM

to all the above posts!

If you want to write her a letter and post it here for feedback, write away! Maybe even if you never have any intention of giving it to her, it will make you feel better to write it and share it with us.

kwannabee · 05-02-2006, 03:43 AM

I really feel for you i know this is a confusing time, I'm just throwing something out there, you dont have to agree with me but i guess i'm playing devils advocate.

When my mil and family gushed over my Logan and my pregnancy, there was a part of me that felt really uncomfortable because i felt like if i celebrated him and allowed myself to feel completely free to enjoy the experience, that i was tempting fate, sort of betraying Aimee and Dana's memory, ...like i shouldnt be happy cuz as their mommy it would be denying them to feel joy over anything else, espeically another baby...kwim??? It was very confusing...i wanted to celebrate the family's happiness too but i was tied to my grief still...like i wanted to jump for joy but my shoe laces were tied together

I dont know if this makes any sense to you...for me i just remember feeling akward at family functions like i was denying one to enjoy the other...and i guess i just wanted to say that i know your angel baby wants you to celebrate, and let others share the joy with you. No one told me that at the time i needed to hear it, because no one around me really understood. Except Cysters. There isnt a day goes by that when i look at Logan and his long eye lashes i dont think of his sisters...i wish i had them all here in my arms, but i just think it is okay to celebrate one when you cant hold the other...and maybe if gramma wants to enjoy her upcoming grandchild, well thats okay too...your angel baby is always in your heart no matter what anyone else says

again i'm just thinking out loud...what your feeling isnt wrong in any way, i just hope you feel better about things soon. Many hugs coming your way...

Roxanne · 05-08-2006, 06:25 PM

You've received some excellent advice here. I agree that you should send your MIL a letter or an e-mail to explain exactly how you feel. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to express them! I hope that your anxiety lessens and that you have a truly joyous Mother's day, celebrating all of your children!