Anyone adopt an older child....much older

Miss-Meme · 06-13-2008, 10:17 AM

I've always kinda thought about adopting an older child, like 16 or 17 or 18. Because I always feel so bad that once they are 18 they are out of foster care and a lot of times that means they are out of a family. I'd love to take in an older child, so that they could have a family after all these years.

My In laws had a lot of foster kids when DH was growing up at 1 of those foster children (now grown) is still around and is part of the family.

Any thoughts on this?

kellie105 · 06-13-2008, 10:26 AM

I think that this would be an amazing thing to do!! These are the very last children to be considered for adoption and there are so many that need families.

sazzifrazz · 06-15-2008, 08:08 AM

my foster son is 16. he has been with us for 4.5 years now. We won't be adopting hm because he has special needs. Thats sounds terrible, but let me explain! lol
Due to his spec. needs he will need support forver. once he is 22 he agesout of foster care. department of mental retardation automatically takes over and will get him into a group home. if he was adopted they wouldn't get him into one because there is a wait...sometimes up to 10 years. basically if there is a family they aren't priority. so we chose to leave him "orphan" so he gets servoces. He's ours, no one is taking him from us. we don't need a piece of paper stating that. we want him to get the adult services he needs so this works out great for our situation. He will always be welcome at our house, and i assume he will come for holidays and such. He still has contact with his bio faily and may very well choose to take them back as his family. he is unable to bond with anyone so who knows what he'll choose.
I think adopting an older kid would be a great thing, hopefully they aren't too hardened from the system and are able to accept and trust you.

Miss-Meme · 06-15-2008, 08:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sazzifrazz

my foster son is 16. he has been with us for 4.5 years now. We won't be adopting hm because he has special needs. Thats sounds terrible, but let me explain! lol
Due to his spec. needs he will need support forver. once he is 22 he agesout of foster care. department of mental retardation automatically takes over and will get him into a group home. if he was adopted they wouldn't get him into one because there is a wait...sometimes up to 10 years. basically if there is a family they aren't priority. so we chose to leave him "orphan" so he gets servoces. He's ours, no one is taking him from us. we don't need a piece of paper stating that. we want him to get the adult services he needs so this works out great for our situation. He will always be welcome at our house, and i assume he will come for holidays and such. He still has contact with his bio faily and may very well choose to take them back as his family. he is unable to bond with anyone so who knows what he'll choose.
I think adopting an older kid would be a great thing, hopefully they aren't too hardened from the system and are able to accept and trust you.

But your still giving him a family after....and that's great! Kinda like how the one foster child is still part of DH family.

HOLLAND · 06-16-2008, 05:30 PM

I think it would be a wonerful thing to do!

globalcyster · 06-22-2008, 09:40 AM

I completely understand your reasoning and think it is great he does have such a loving family. I used to work for the state and saw how some of the people could not get care that was needed or heaven forbid that the only parent would die then they were left to unforseen futures.

globalcyster · 06-22-2008, 09:41 AM

My husband and I would like to adopt teens when we are a bit older and he has retired from the mil. I had foster bros and sis' as a teen that were all close to my age and wished many of them could have been my bro or sis.

Dani · 06-24-2008, 10:49 AM

I know a couple in their 70's now that have fostered over 50 kids in their teens. They would give them a home, teach them about college, and how to live as an adult. Many of the kids are still apart of their family. It's an amazing thing to do.

toomuchcoffeelady · 06-24-2008, 11:56 AM

If it's what you feel called to do in your heart... more power to you and best of luck!

PBLayzod · 06-24-2008, 12:04 PM

My husband has worked with alot of sexually reactive kids in and out of foster care. My only concern would be that you have a young child in your home. If there is any history of sexual abuse in the files of the teens you consider, please think carefully about leaving them alone with your baby.

I think the experience could be very rewarding, though. As a PP said, you can still do this by fostering and then maintaining a relationship with the children as adults.

Miss-Meme · 06-24-2008, 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PBLayzod

My husband has worked with alot of sexually reactive kids in and out of foster care. My only concern would be that you have a young child in your home. If there is any history of sexual abuse in the files of the teens you consider, please think carefully about leaving them alone with your baby.

I think the experience could be very rewarding, though. As a PP said, you can still do this by fostering and then maintaining a relationship with the children as adults.

Oh we would consider this BIG.

This is something that I have not even talked to my husband about, even though I think he would be very open to it. Our home is not big enough for another child.

MikesHAPPYwife · 07-08-2008, 04:23 PM

I worked at a childrens home right out of college untill marrying my DH. There was 3 girls there that had been in the home for 6-8 years and in there last years of high school. That was the only life they knew of, they never experienced going to the grocery store, managing bills, having weekends over at friends house, family vacations, etc. Though the childrens home had a home like setting there is alot that will never be like a home.

I have a heart for kids 6+ in the system because people want babies and these kids get stuck in the system for years. The more foster homes they go to the "harder" they get. Most have attachment disorders as well. Sad thing is in the time i was there every single girl (i dont know about the boys because I didnt work with them) had sexual abuse in their past. So, alot of times these girls would say and do things that they didnt realize was wrong and unacceptable. As a mother to a 1 year old at this time I cant imagine bringing this into my household as much as I want to help these children out. I think once DD gets older we may explore our options.

I say follow your heart, research any conditions the child might have, and know that these kids do know how to put on a show of the perfect child in front of you.

MWpuravida · 07-10-2008, 07:50 PM

I have a really good friend who is with DFACS (cps) and I was actually looking into going to work with them a bit. At 18 a child can sign on to stay with the sate for another 4 years, so as wards of the state, they get all kinds of monetary benefits. What they don't get is a family to love and support them. My husband and I have discussed taking in teens later (our son is 2) so that they would have a family (their foster parents/siblings) but be taught real life, and have the benefits of the state. Seriously. If they have had all this crap in their child, they deserve to be able to get something good out of it!!!
Also, here in ga, you can specify what children you are willing to take in, the number of kids at a time, and so on.
If you have a deep desire to only have teens that have been neglected (no physical abuse or sexual) you can specify that. Though they won't promise to call you with other kids, you can stick to those things. You are doing it for the protection of your child! They understand that.
Good luck!!!

Kaelinsmom · 07-29-2008, 10:45 PM

Adopting an older child is something I've always thought about and thought Dh and I would eventually do. 5 years ago we became the guardians of DH's 16 yo nephew. Things worked out fairly well with him (although things were very rough at times)and he's now a successful young man. But about 2 1/2 years later just after his nephew moved out his niece moved in with us, she was 14 at the time and she's lived with us for almost 3 years now, it has not been a good match. She has emotional trouble in addition to being a teenager and we have alot of stress and conflict in our home. She will not bond with us, she wants very little to do with us and because of some of her behavior we have trouble trusting her around our other children. After our experience with her I'm very Leary about adopting older children. I mean, she's family and we can't seem to make it work I can't imagine a child that has been in the system for years being able to cope and bond with a typical family. I hope and pray I'm wrong but I don't think I could chance it with the young kids that we have.

carleighstutz · 08-06-2008, 06:07 PM

I don't usually post on this board, but I do A LOT of reading...HOWEVER this question really tore at me so I thought I would share our story...

My oldest son just turned 16. We just officially adopted him on 1/3/08. He came to live with us as a foster child on 8/1/06. These last 2 years have probably been the HARDEST 2 years of my life!!!!!!! He has put us through trials and tests that I never even thought were possible!!!

He was kind-of a friend of our families (my brother was his "big brother" through Big Brother's, Big Sister's). My hubby and I found out that he had been taken from his mom and was living in foster care. We couldn't bare the thought of that, so we decided to become licensed foster parents so that we could become an "option" for him when the time came. Well...after about 6 months of going through the classes, he finally decided that he DID want to come and live with us (he had just turned 14). He was from AZ and we live in WA, so it was kind of a big decision, but the courts left it up to him.

We ended up dealing with issues that we truly had NO idea we were going to have to deal with such as: bed wetting, detachment, lying, no remorse, etc...things just like telling us that he wet the bed instead of sleeping on it for a week because he didn't want us to know...these are the things I am talking about. We have had to start from square one with him on a few things. The main thing...hygeine!! You would think that by 14 he would know that he needed to brush his teeth 2 times a day. NOPE...he would go for DAYS without brushing and it took us like a year to realize how bad it was...

Every day is trying with him. We have to coach him through EVERYTHING. He is a good kid and he is getting good grades, but it is because we have to run our house like military for him. If we didn't, he would fail in school and never wash himself!

He is doing MUCH MUCH MUCH better than he was when he came to us 2 years ago, but it has definitely been a long road. Matthew is a very difficult child to "love" because he is SOOOO detached and shows absolutely NO emotion for anything. However, we do love him in our own way. My biggest fear with him is that he wants to go away to college. By go away, I mean move far away from us. I am REALLY worried that without us holding him up and helping him he is NOT going to make it in college. We have 2 years to try to help him become as independent as possible and then once he is 18, he can do whatever he wants.

Adopting an older child can be A LOT of work, but it can also be rewarding. Since we had our son a year ago, I have seen a bit of a change in Matthew and he is SLOWLY bonding to Jacob. It's actually pretty neat to see. And I hope that he will do the same with the next one due next year! These are the moments that make it all worth it and the way DH and I see it...we will have had FOUR FULL YEARS to show him all the things that we can and if he hadn't come here and he was stuck in foster care he would not have been able to see ANY of these things! He will have 4 years of seeing a healthy marriage, 4 years of seeing what a "dad" is supposed to be like, 4 years of seeing what a "mom" is supposed to be like, 4 years of going on family vacations, and most importantly 4 years of being a part of a family. All things that he would NOT have gotten had he stayed in the system...

Just a little food for thought for any of you thinking about doing this!!!!

GOOD LUCK!!!!!