Anyone else have a "Poor Me" Family Member?

hethry6207 · 10-04-2009, 01:42 PM

I posted a portion of this in my "First Loss" Post, about our recent loss. I was curious if anyone else had a family member who acted like a loss was theirs and not yours? My MIL is being that way in our case, and it is really getting on mine and DH's nerves.

Yesterday, my MIL, thinking she was being helpful, got all pushy about wanting us to have a small prayer with my parents and my inlaws, and set a stone (at a cemetery an hour from us, where some of my DH's family is buried) that way I wouldn't "have to see it ever if I didn't want to". I handled it well, but when DH and I got alone I told him about it, and he was upset because he had already told her (unbeknownst to me) that he didn't want to hear about that right now, and when and if we ever wanted to do anything, it would be us and our choice and not to bring it up. But, she did. And it was terribly painful. I felt like I have already lost MY baby, and now someone is trying to plan something about MY baby, FOR me... It just didn't feel right. I don't know if I even want to do anything like that, but shouldn't it be our choice and it be us bringing it up to other people, rather than her?

She kept telling me "You just don't know how many things remind me of it and that we're not going to have a grandbaby now." It took SO much self-control to handle it with tact. I finally was able to cool the burning inside me and tell her "Actually, I do know. We're the parents of the baby that was lost, YOU have no idea how many things remind us."

anichols · 10-04-2009, 02:40 PM

I felt similair with my mother. Not about what to do with his remains or a stone or anything. We lost Clarence in November and on Christmas Day we went to my parents house (drove 3 hours) and she wasn't finished with wrapping half the presents, decorating the tree. Her excuse was she was sad over Clarence or she didn't want to hang certain ornaments (like my baby Jesus) because it was just too sad. I felt like WTF!? It happened to me and here I am putting on a brave face and trying to give my DD and DSS a happy holiday. I felt like that wasn't fair. If I could pull my sh!t together she should've have been able to as well. If only for my sake and her other grandchildren. It really bothered me. And to top it off who was the one hurry to finish wrapping all the gifts my mom had before the rest of the family got there? Oh yeah. ME!! B/c she was too depressed over the loss of my son. *sigh*