Anyone else still in mourning?

TTCJennyK · 05-21-2005, 01:57 PM

I had a miscarriage on Mar. 3, 2004, and I am still in mourning. I had wanted this baby so bad, and to lose it was absolutely heartbreaking (and almost marriage-ending). I still cannot go to the baby section of a store because I get upset, and I can't even look at a baby when I'm out in public without crying. We have recently tried a few more times on clomid, but the waiting, temping, and testing is unbearable anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy!

I thought I'd be able to let go by now, but it seems to be getting worse.
Is anyone else in the same boat?

SheriKCMO · 05-21-2005, 02:26 PM

Jenny,
Big hugs! I'm still mourning my little girl who was born November 28, 2003 at 23 and a half weeks. Sometimes I feel like I must be taking to long to recover from this, but honestly we each simply need our own amount of time. It is a great idea to talk to a grief counsellor, though, who can give an experienced perspective to your individual situation. I go to a support group that helps me a lot, too. It might be time to find some other ways to help you cope that you might not have tried. I'm very sorry for your loss and hope that your heart can heal sometime soon.
Best wishes finding some peace,
Sheri

TTCJennyK · 05-21-2005, 02:41 PM

Thank you very much for responding. I may try a support group if I can find one around here.

powerpuff · 05-21-2005, 02:53 PM

(((((Jenny)))))

You are not alone. I lost my baby girl on June 3, 2003 at 19 weeks and I'm still mourning. I now have a 7-month-old baby boy and you'd think I'd be happy and thankful and all the miscarriage thing would be so behind me. Yes I'm eternally grateful but he is not a replacement baby and still I miss my baby girl. Every time I see a little girl I can't stop wondering what would my baby be like now if she was here. The 2nd anniversary is coming up and my heart sank to the bottom again.

I second the idea of going to a support group. It helps a lot with my healing process. Though I don't think I will ever get it over with for the rest of my life, it did get better. Take your time to grieve. I hope you'll find peace in your heart. Hugs again.

Cassidy1 · 05-21-2005, 05:34 PM

Jenny - I know exactly how you feel. Just when you think your doing O.K. some reminder comes up. I had a m/c in Sept/04 and another 5 wks ago. It feels like an neverending nightmare. You feel so isolated because nobody understands what your going through, and there is no way to explain it to someone. Worse still it seems like people don't see it for what it is LIFE CHANGING - they think it just happens and then it's done with. I agree a support group or counselling is your best bet. This site is therapy for me as well. Come here when you need us. Take care.

TTCJennyK · 05-21-2005, 11:59 PM

Thanks! You guys are the greatest!

I feel a lot better knowing that I am not alone, and I'm not being "silly" (as some friends/family members have said).
I agree totally with you Cassidy that no one can possibly know how it feels to lose a child -even if you never got a chance to meet them- unless they've been through it themselves.

Also, Powerpuff- Your son is darling! But I understand how you're feeling. I don't think I'll get over the loss of my baby even if or when we do get to hold our precious baby in our arms.

Thanks to you all and God Bless!!
You all sound like you will be & ARE very good Mothers!

Jenny

saluki_fan · 05-22-2005, 12:49 AM

Jenny - in a way, I will always be in mourning, no matter if I go on to have 5 living children with 5 perfect pregnancies. I will always wonder what might have been, had my angels lived.

Another website I have found helpful is www.silentgrief.com . I'm not as active there as I am here, but it's more focused specifically towards pregnancy loss and somewhat towards infertility, rather than any medical conditions such as PCOS. There are a lot of good articles on that site.

Other good resources I have used include:
www.october15th.com
www.nationalshareoffice.com (national support group; maybe they have a local chapter in your area)

I am sorry for your loss.

Meghan

kwannabee · 05-22-2005, 02:24 AM

Hi Jenny...my first thought reading your subject line was ...'always....ALWAYS'.....i will always mourn my two sweet baby girls no matter where life takes me...

the only consolation i can give you is actually something my nurse said to me...(the one who helped deliver my girls) she actually keeps in touch the odd time, but on a really bad bad day she cried with me and said...'youre babies love you and didnt come to earth to leave you behind like this...they want you to be happy' They had a purpose, and it wasnt to leave you unhappy the rest of your life'

i used to repeat that to myself at times...it may not work for you at all, but its still early right now...i know youre strong and you will smile again...your pain never goes away, it just gets more bearable...with time.

hugs to you, and i'm so sorry for your loss....take care...

VivC · 05-22-2005, 04:13 PM

Jenny,

I second Kim. You'll never stop mourning. Your baby was too important, and his/her loss has changed your life forever. I thought I was stuck in my grief, so I started seeing a therapist. I still have very rough days, but at least she can reassure me that I'm not crazy. I'd look into a support group.

I'm going to be very nosy here-you said the M/C almost ended your marriage. Have you guys really worked things through enough to try again? I think that the loss itself is hard enough, but when you add in marital difficulties, maybe TTC is stressing you out even more. Just my thoughts on the matter - but my marriage is falling apart (all over except getting money together for my own place), so maybe I'm just paranoid.

((HUGS)),

TTCJennyK · 05-23-2005, 02:38 PM

Thats ok, I don't mind nosiness.

Yes, it was a very rough year for my husband and I and we almost separated. It wasn't all the baby, but it was a big part. I pushed him away after the m/c which really hurt him. I thought he deserved better.

It took a lot of talking, crying, and confessing to save our marriage and now we're happier, and closer than we ever were. We're totally content with each other, but there's still something missing.

VivC · 05-23-2005, 03:53 PM

((Jenny)). I just didn't want you to force yourself to TTC before your marriage was okay.

My husband and I WERE separated when I got pregnant (oops), so losing Rivi just made things much, much worse. I think I'm just hyper-alert to the stress a loss can put on a marriage.

Viv

AvivaElona · 05-23-2005, 10:13 PM

I don't expect to ever stop mourning, I don't think its quite like losing someone else you love, like a parent or a friend, because you never really expect to lose a child. But the quality of mourning changes and you eventually start being able to be happy again sometimes. I don't think there is anything really weird about you still finding baby stuff difficult, it may get easier to be around babies and baby stuff if you do eventually give birth, but it still won't stop you from mourning the loss of your first baby. I do think counseling is helpful or at least talking to other people who have had losses, a lot of the time grief gets in the way of life more when you feel like you aren't allowed to express it.

Also, you know, someone (a younger woman who had a miscarriage) once asked me if it was harder for me to lose Isaac because I was older when we first started trying to get pregnant and I knew I didn't have "years and years" to go. I thought about it and decided that while it was difficult knowing that I only had a short time left that I could become a mother, in some ways I knew more about grieving and more of a sense of perspective about being able to survive a loss than I would have if it had happened when I was in my twenties. I'm going to guess that lots of people have told you "oh don't worry, you are young still" like that is supposed to make you feel better, and really I don't think its much help...both because of course you will always grieve THIS baby no matter how many you eventually end up having, and also because part of being young is not having the same sense of time that you end up having when you are older. A year is forever when you are 10 and no time at all when you are 100. In other words I don't think its unusual or wrong at all that you are still sad a year later, and the fact that you are doesn't mean that it won't eventually get better.

Aviva

sunmoon · 05-24-2005, 01:35 AM

God Bless You ALL for your openness and honesty.

I always try to remember that you cannot "schedule" grief. It will hit out of the blue and is not on any time schedule. I miscarried in '02 and then in '04. It will hit me at the oddest times, but I am learning to go with it, and to never feel odd for the time I grieve. I am so sorry for those of you who have had stillborn losses, for that I cannot begin to imagine the pain that you have in your hearts.

Let us find comfort in the fact that these babies of ours are never forgotten, and that they MATTERED! What a motherly love to extend to them through our grief... to let them know that they are loved and thought about... and always will be. We are great Mother's for acknowledging their existence, however short in this life. A Mother is always a Mother, and we will have that title for life.

Love and {{Hugs}},

Pamela · 05-24-2005, 05:01 PM

It's been 10 yrs since I had my 2 losses and I think about my babies often. I mourn what might have been. I can't say that I mourn EVERYDAY, but there is not a day goes by that I don't think about them.
Having other babies helps but it never ever takes the place of the ones we lost.
I agree that some type of support group might be helpful.
(((HUGS))) to ALL of you!!
Pam

TracyW2 · 05-24-2005, 06:33 PM

You are definately not alone on this one. I still grieve/mourn/cry for my lost baby. And our marriage almost ended because of our m/c. I pushed my dh away because he wasnt there for me so i lashed out at him. I was finally able to open my eyes, but I will never forget about our loss.

~tracy