Appt for RPL testing... nerves are getting to me (a vent)

mystik817 · 10-03-2005, 06:31 AM

My appointment for RPL testing is tomorrow morning. Its midnight and I can't sleep... dont know ifs its because of just nerves or DH getting on them. Seems like the more stress I have... the more stress he makes for me. I just cant turn my emotions on and off like he can. Ive tried to explain it to him, but it doesnt help.

Tonight I am sleeping on the couch. I get more upset lying next to him with all these thoughts in my head and him being able to sleep so soundly and quickly. Pisses me off that I cant do that. I went up to get my pillow and he said "we need to talk". I asked why, what about and he said about the doctors appt tomorrow and why we are going if we are not talking. I just walked away and turned off the lights. Then yelled from the couch, "it doesnt matter if you want a child now or not, I need answers". He said thats not what he meant, but I cant help but think it is.

Even if he doesnt want to try again, i need to know why I failed at being a mother. At least thats what I feel about it. I feel like I have failed, I failed him and our children. I keep busy, go to work, and then try to sleep off the rest of my anxiety, but sometimes its too much and I get angry... at myself and at him for not understanding. We have had endless talks... so im not sure why he thinks everything is so peachy less than a month from our last loss!!

Crap he heard me typing, wants to "talk"... Ill finish my venting later.

SABTeacher · 10-03-2005, 10:44 AM

Misty,

DH and I have also had similar discussions. After the m/c's and all the months of TTC, he decided that we should just stop trying and start the adoption process. I told him that I needed to go for the testing and have some answers. I explained that it might be a simple thing, but that I wouldn't know until I completed the testing. I explained that I didn't want to have any regrets later that I didn't even look into it. We still don't see eye to eye on this completely, but he at least agreed to complete the testing and give it one more try with the support of an RE. I'm not sure he'll be willing to do anything more than that, but hopefully the next time will be it for us and I won't have to worry about it.

It is SO frustrating that men do not understand our pain and determination through all this. I have struggled to explain how I feel to DH, and he just wonders why I want to continue with this all when I'm hurting so much. He just doesn't get it.

Good luck with your appointment. I really hope you get some answers soon. I hope your talk last night with DH was productive. Keep us posted.

Shari

~Traci~ · 10-03-2005, 02:05 PM

Misty,

DH & I had the same exact fights & discussions after each one of our losses. Guys feel too but they don't show it like we do. So he probably just doesn't know how to express the things that he's feeling to you. My DH felt the same as I did but he kept it inside and didn't show how he was feeling unlike me who was a complete basketcase and showed everything I felt! I thought he was a complete insensative jerk and didn't care about anything except himself but I was completely wrong and didn't find that out (well, he did tell me that he was upset too but I didn't believe him b/c he didn't show it) until after we went through everything and then I realized that he did care. I didn't understand that until after we had our losses and weren't fresh out of a loss. 1 year later and everything is back to the way it was before our losses (except so much less stress b/c we're not TTC and also knowing that we have angels watching over us).

{{{{HUGS}}}} I hope they find something that's causing you to m/c'y (I know, it sounds so strange to hope something is wrong but at this point you WANT something to be wrong so it can be fixed!

)

Ask me if you have any questions about the testing or I'm here if you just want to talk.

Traci

Mustard Seed · 10-03-2005, 03:23 PM

Misty,

I understand dealing with a lack of emotions from your dh! Maybe I should say it's a lack of shown emotions, not emotions. My dh and I talked on Friday and I told him that I felt like he was over this, but he told me I was wrong about that. It's just hard because I sit there crying when I'm sad about it, and he just gets quiet. Guys are so different from us, and it's hard to react differently through something so trying and feel like you're fighting against each other to get the other person to grieve the way you do. At least, that's how I've felt sometimes.

I hope your appointment went well this morning, and that you won't have to wait for weeks to get the results back. I also hope that there is a fixable reason for your two m/c. I've had my days of feeling like I failed too, so I completely understand that and think that it's normal that you feel that way. But I don't believe you failed at being a mother at all. You gave your babies all that you could, and I know you wanted them very badly. I'm sure they are very happy and proud to have you as their mama.

I wish I could offer you a real hug, but a virtual one will have to do. {{hugs}}

saluki_fan · 10-03-2005, 05:56 PM

Misty, (((hugs))) to you...RPL testing is hard. I just want to warn you, it takes a while for the labwork results to come back (my blood was drawn on 4/6 and I think we got the results on 4/18 or 4/19). I am sorry things are tough right now, hang in there, you have us to vent to anytime you need us.

mystik817 · 10-04-2005, 03:53 AM

Thanks girls. At least I know my DH isnt the only one holding up emotions. As my earlier post said he came down stairs to talk last night. We both cried and said exactly what we felt, but now I feel distant from him, dont know why. I would move on to adoption in a heart beat especially after today (I will explain next). But he doesnt even want to visit that possibility until all venues of us having one are dead ends. He even mentioned egg donation, but I would rather just adopt a child rather than someone's egg. He is perfectly fine with sperm donation if he has the problem, so I dont know why adoption is so far fetched to him.

Anyways, todays appt was frustrating. First off 30 mins after my appt I finally got called back to a room. When the doc showed up, we discussed my history in detail... all the meds and cycles and I explained I am hardheaded and determined. He was happy about that though. He isnt a RE, just the closest thing to a fertility specialist as the Fairbanks area can offer. So we asked about his background with RPL testing and he just looked at me blankly! He seemed to stumble over the answers he had for our ?s. Most of which he said he would have to do some research on... not very assuring. He said because my BETAs never got above 14, that it ruled out issues with my immune system, said it would usually occur later in the pg, like week 6 or 7 and normally with a higher HCG level. Also, because none of my u/s showed abnormalities in my uterus, that he wasnt worried about that. He was more concerned with DH's and my chromosones getting along. So that is one test. I also brought up antiphospholipid antibody testing and then he brought up anticoligical (sp?)testing. So those are the first three tests we are doing.

One thing did irrate me... I asked if I had APA, what were my options and he said he would try baby aspirin... well hello I told him 5 mins earlier I was already on baby aspirin my last two pgs... and all he replied was "what for?" so i educated him about thickening the lining and blood clotting disorders that may be avoided.
And another moment that pissed me off... made me want to adopt... It took two lab techs and four pokings and fishing around to get just enough blood for the tests! both arms and hands are bruised as all get out! They made me leave and told me to call them in an hour and if it turned out they didnt get enough to come back and get poked on some more!!!! EERRR

I hope things get better. DH asked if there was any therapist that had counseling for infertility stress and greiving from m/c but they dont up here. The closest thing they have is at the University of Washington Repro center. Maybe it would help, but I think the best thing for us to do is talk it out, let our emotions run the course and try not to deny but accept that it happened. DH has never gone through anything tramatizing, so I think thats why he wants to reach out for help. Me on the other hand... seems like every day I turn around and there is life giving me another obstacle... so im used to it.

Saluki- I asked about any testing that needed to be done on certain days and he was clueless! What was that test you had done on CD3?

Holy crap I wrote a novel!!!! Ill let you all go now

~Traci~ · 10-04-2005, 04:00 AM

{{{{HUGS}}}} Misty

Here's website that explains every test possible as well as cost & when you should have them (if there's a certain time): http://www.pinelandpress.com/faq/miscarriage/rpl.html

HTH's & I hope you find an answer,
Traci

saluki_fan · 10-04-2005, 11:22 AM

Misty -

Here is a list of what my RE does to diagnose RPL:
http://www.haveababy.com/rpl/diagnosis.asp?site=

(He did NOT test me for NK, or natural killer, cells.) I believe the tests that have to be done on CD 3, 4 or 5 are for Inhibin B, FSH, estradiol, and Inhibin A. this is to test "ovarian reserve." Here is a link to Millenova Labs in Chicago, which specializes in these kind of tests. This has info on their Ovarian Reserve panel: http://www.millenova.com/tests/ovrespan.asp . Millenova has LOTS of testing panels, check out http://www.millenova.com/tests/panels.asp for more info.

I am glad that you had a few tests ran, but my opinion is that you may wish to make that trip to Anchorage or Seattle now...at least do a phone consult about timing, etc. before traveling, but it seems like a good idea. Of course you are always welcome in "The Lou" if you are interested in coming here.

Mustard Seed · 10-04-2005, 12:46 PM

So many tests! I'm overwhelmed right now having read through all that information. But I have a lot of questions for my doctor at my next appointment now, and I feel more prepared going to see her. Misty, I'm sorry the doctor you went to see yesterday didn't have a lot of answers for you. I hope he really will do some research like he said he would, and that he's able to be a help to you guys right now. I'm glad you didn't have to go back to get more blood drawn after they had to poke your arms so many times already. Ugh... that's no fun at all! I hope the rest of the testing goes well and that you are able to get some answers soon.