April Due Date - Losses - Page 10

gothgrrl81 · 10-10-2008, 02:39 AM

Becca-try not to freak yourself out. Easier said than done I know, but I'm sure everything is ok.

Melissa-yeah, the labwork is for clotting issues. It's a just in case kind of thing.

Joshuasmommy-I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope none of us have to go through this again either.

My beta is down to 23 from 3600 on the 28th, so that's a good drop. I think it should be down to zero soon.

GigiDG · 10-10-2008, 03:06 AM

Well, here I am again.

I went to see the gyn today for my follow up appointment. I'm still bleeding although not as much as earlier in the week. So, he wants me to call him on Monday to let him know if I am still bleeding. If I am, I'm supposed to have a d&c on Tuesday. I'm a bit concerned though. He didn't do a follow up u/s and what if I do stop bleeding by Monday and I still have stuff in my uterus?...then what?...and how will I know? And besides that what about my fibroid?...shouldn't that get taken out?
I'm so frustrated that I can't even think right.
I was supposed to go back to work tomorrow. My boss called and told me that she better not see me there or else. Thankfully, I work with nurses and doctors who understand the physical and mental pain and anguish that a woman goes through after a m/c.
So, what do you guys think? Should I call the hyn's office tomorrow and ask about my other questions or should I just wait it out till Monday?
Ughhhhhhhh....I'm so upset!
(u'd never think that I've worked in the medical field forever!)

GigiDG · 10-10-2008, 03:12 AM

and.........
I've been trying to hold this in alllllllll day but...
God, I miss being pregnant and feeling all those beautiful feelings.
I felt so darn empty today. I miss my baby

MiniGidget · 10-10-2008, 12:10 PM

GiGiDC--I'm so sorry about your loss! I know what you mean about missing being pregnant! I have good days and bad days trying to deal with it. It's great that your boss is understanding! Do you think you'd worry all weekend if you waited until Monday to call? If so, I'd call today to try to ease your mind.

GigiDG · 10-10-2008, 01:04 PM

MiniGidget

Hi. Thanks for writing. Yes, I will end up worrying all weekend because the doctor isn't in the office today. I'm so mad for not thinking of asking him yesterday. Ugh! >(
His secretary told me to call back on Monday.
Not that I'm going to dwell on it, or that it matters now but in my heart I think that the fibroid was the whole reason behind the m/c. I'll be damned if I let this go by, get pregnant and let this whole thing happen again to me. I dont know if I could get through that again. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

SassyMKB · 10-10-2008, 01:47 PM

Joshua's Mom - Glad you found us too. So sorry for your loss.

Carrie - YIPEE for betas going down to almost zero!

Gigi - I think it's odd that they didn't do an u/s, but who knows. Other than bloodwork, they haven't one since my D&C and since it's a blind procedure, there's no guarantee they got everything with that either. I would definitely not wait to call - it would drive me nuts to have unanswered questions. What did the Dr say about the fibroid? It's great that you have such an understanding boss. Certainly makes it a bit easier.

AFM, I'm on Day 7 of the Provera. 3 more stupid pills to go. It's making me tired, moody and cranky. I really hate having to take all these stupid hormones. (See, told you I was cranky!)

MiniGidget · 10-10-2008, 06:50 PM

Sassy--Good luck. Hopefully it'll start before you finish the provera!

Gigi--It sucks that you have to wait until Monday!!!

AFM--Beta came back in at 1800. They're concerned that it's such a slow drop. She did ask if we'd BD. I told her yes, of course. I didn't exactly tell her the entire truth about the protection part b/c she started to lecture me about BD..... and I was out. She thinks the nausea may be hypoglycemia and told me to eat small frequent meals. So--we'll see. At least it came down.

joshuasmommy28 · 10-10-2008, 08:03 PM

I miss my baby too!!!
I had my follow-up appointment today and the first thing I see when I walk into the doctor's office is 2 pregnant women and 2 women with their newborns. It was heart wrenching. I quickly grabbed a magazine and buried my nose in it avoiding looking at them. Is that wrong of me? I just didn't want to start crying because I was really close. My husband just squeezed my arm because he totally understood how I felt. Unfortunately I never got to see my doctor because he was called away for an emergency delivery and the baby didn't make it. After that he had a D&C to do. I felt the pain of these 2 women immeadiately, and didn't feel bad for having to come back next week.
So, now my appointment is next week Thursday and I asked to be either the first or the last appointment of the day. I just don't want to see the pregnant women. I know it sounds selfish, but I am just not ready right now. The pain is still too new. I spoke with the grief counselor tonight from the hospital. She called to see how I was doing. It helps to talk to her. I am also joining a support group for women who have lost babies. I know it will help me to heal.
I pray that we all heal in time.

GigiDG · 10-11-2008, 02:39 AM

JOSHUASMOMMY28,

We're going to get through this. We're never going to forget but it'll get easier for us. It will. Be positive that its going to happen again for you and that next time it will be better. The best thing that I've heard so far and what's given me hope is this...it came from my old boss and doctor...he said that this baby was just paving the way for its future sibling to have a safe place to grow. I think that he is right. I know in my heart that one day I'll be a mommy of a healthy baby. Until then, I'll be happy with knowing that atleast I can GET pregnant. That alone was a blessing.
Good luck to all of us and I hope to get good news from all of you soon!
xo
Gigi

SassyMKB · 10-13-2008, 10:38 AM

Hi ladies.

Hope all of your appointments go well this week.

This weekend seemed to be Pregnant Women's weekend out! They were EVERYWHERE. DH thought it would be a good idea for us to get out and do something for fall-like and fun, so we went to a local corn maze and craft fair. Well, of course it was full of young families! In retrospect, not the best idea! I did buy a Fertility Goddess necklace at the craft fair. DH thought I was nuts, but I said it couldn't hurt, so why not??!!

Otherwise, I took my last Provera last night and now am waiting for AF. I'm so worried that it's still not going to come. Fingers crossed!

MiniGidget · 10-13-2008, 11:07 AM

Is anyone else really sad lately? I thought I was dealing with it....but this last week has been absolutely horrible.

Maybe I just haven't dealt with losing the pregnancy until now, but there were whole days last week where I could flip from laughing to crying in an instant--and that is really unlike me. My husband is frustrated with the mood swings. I'm frustrated too b/c I feel like they have control over me instead of the other way around. I just can't predict when I'm going to burst out crying.

DH tried to get me out of the house this weekend to go to a big event in our city, but I ran into several college and grad school friends who were either pregnant or had their babies with them--and it made things worse--ended up crying all afternoon. He felt bad b/c he thought it would be good to get me out of the house.

He says he doesn't know if I'm ready to have another child because I haven't quit grieving over the last one, and he wants me to be really invested in the next one. Of course, I'll be invested....but I wanted the last one too. I don't think I'll ever have another pregnancy that I won't be anxious and worried over b/c my innocence is gone regarding feeling overly joyful about being pregnant. He does freely admit that it's probably harder b/c he didn't have to carry it...which I agree with. He also didn't have to miscarry it and doesn't go to the RE's office 1-2x per week for follow-up. I couldn't quit thinking about it if I wanted to. It's just a constant reminder.

I'm just really bummed. The RE told us this would be the week we could start trying again, but we can't b/c my betas aren't zero. Now they're telling me it may be 2-3 months total.

Sassy--I hear you about the craft fair. I went to a 5K fundraiser with hubby and they were freaking everywhere. I don't know why I can't just be happy for them instead of feeling so envious and unhappy for myself.

SassyMKB · 10-13-2008, 11:21 AM

Becca - sorry you're feeling so down. I think we just have our good days and bad days. Last week was a bad one for me, but this week is a little better. It still sucks and I still get incredibly sad, but I'm trying to be optimistic as much as I can. I don't think we ever will "get over" this loss. I believe that with any loss, you just learn how to live with the pain and learn how to move on. I think it's hard to move on after a m/c, because how can we truly move on when we are trying for another pregnancy. I totally agree with what you said about our "innocence" being gone with pregnancy. There's no way I won't be a total lunatic if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again.

Given our PCOS and histories, how can we just simply "move on" from an unsuccessful pregnancy? It's definitely not a question of whether or not we want another child or will be invested in another pregnancy (here's where I think our DHs just don't get it) - it's part grieving for the child lost, and part fear of losing and grieving for another.

Sorry that the RE said you couldn't start trying again yet. As much as I want to start TTC again ASAP, I'm terrified. I really do think that the few months off that we are forced to take is probably good for us both physically and emotionally.

gothgrrl81 · 10-13-2008, 05:11 PM

Becca-I've been having a hard time lately too. I still get sad a lot, plus I've moved into the anger stage now. It's really been making mad that out of the 20-30 people at work who know I m/c, only like 5 of them have bothered to ask how I'm doing, to say they're sorry, etc. Everybody else, including the people I'm pretty close to, are just pretending like nothing happened. I understand that maybe they don't know what to say or they don't want to upset me, but it's worse to go on having to act like everything's fine. I want to bring it up myself, but IDK how to, I can never find a good segue in the conversation.

Melissa's right, we can't just move on, we will always be grieving for the babies we lost. We'll always be extra worried about any future pregnancies. I told my doctor flat out I will be a huge pain in the a** when I get pg again, I'll probably be calling every other day worried about this or that. At least she said that's fine.

MiniGidget · 10-13-2008, 06:06 PM

I hear what you guys are saying! I do have really supportive friends who are more open to hearing me complain and be sad than my husband is. He just wants me to be happy--and I can't be that way all the time. I talked to a lady at work today who miscarried her first child. It was really helpful. She was talking about how she cried for months and how miscarriage is so un-talked about. She was saying how alone she felt throughout the whole process. It all sounded so familiar....you know?

joshuasmommy28 · 10-13-2008, 09:52 PM

I feel like I am in some sort of a nightmare. I have lost 3 beautiful angels. I am greiving again now! I am angry as to why this keeps happening to me. I have one beautiful 4 year old son who is perfect. My pregnancy with him was great. I had to take medication to get pregnant with him but it worked. I ache when I see pregnant women out and about, and obviously they don't know me from Adam, but I just feel like I could scream! WHY????????????????????????? My husband and I are ready for another child, my son is ready to be a big brother, I am ready to be a mom again! I am a good mother, my husband is a great father. We have a happy marriage. I just am angry and frustrated and I know I have to get over it, but I am having a hard time dealing with it right now!
To make matters worse my sister-in-law had an affair and got pregnant. Guess who has the perfect pregnancy? HER!!!!!!! She goes screwing around on her husband and she gets to have a beautiful baby? I don't understand? I know God has a reason for everything in life, and I am praying for us all, but I just keep praying that the Lord will lift me up out of this negativity that I am having so I can rise above it. I just hurt and ache so badly that I feel like I will never feel better!