attachment issues?

LacyM · 03-30-2004, 01:14 PM

Hi ladies,
I haven't posted in long time, but I have a question...

I have a 4 yo foster son who is in counseling for attachment issues. I don't think his is very severe. He basically doesn't like me to leave him and acts out for me when I return and is overly affectionate. He gives DH and I a lot of hugs and kisses

I guess that is not to much to complain about. He could hate to be around us LOL!

Yesterday at his counseling session I had (what I would call) a disturbing conversation with the counselor. I need some opinions please. I always talk to her alone first to let her know about his week. By the way he is doing wonderful and we plan to adopt him and his siblings.

Anyway-our conversation. I was just letting her know that visits with bio-parents have not been happening and that they go to court on Thursday. I mentioned that we where hoping to have the adoption finished by July, as we are praying to be able to adopt a baby from Vietnam as soon as the program re opens.

Here is the disturbing part.... She says to me "Please think about that and be very careful. I counsel a little girl adopted at 6 months from China. She is now 4 and has recked havoc on this poor family since she came home. She has attachment disorder." I asked her if she thought they could really have attachment issues from that young and she said yes. She also said "look, you have 3 kids now. If you bring another child into the mix it is going to make everything a chaotic mess!" I said you think? And she said "absolutely I can tell you it will ruin everything."

I was in shock because for one that should be confidential. I also feel she was trying to get me to change my mind. I am just floored by her comments. I don't think it will ruin everything. I know it wont be easy but neither was going from DH and I to a 2 yo, 3 yo and 5 yo. After 14 months we are doing great. I also think that kids can over come attachment disorders.

What do you think? Ditch the councilor and find a new one? Would it be to hard on the other kids? I am so upset by her statements. But I want to do what is right for all of our children or future children.

Any help would be great. Thanks in advance.

Lacy
Sorry it is so long... I Ramble

sten727 · 03-30-2004, 01:59 PM

First off... I have to comment on the Chinese adoption. My best friend's aunt adopted a little girl from China and she is the most well adjusted, loving, beautiful little girl I've ever met. She is very smart and advancing in her studies and had no problems adjusting and she didn't talk or walk when she came to the states at 1 year old and is now 6 1/2. So, don't let her scare you like that.

Also, I feel the more the merrier. It may be tough to bring a new child into the mix, but when isn't it. For any family expecting a new arrival they have to prepare themselves and their children for the new member. This counselor was out of line. If things are going well for your FS with this counselor then I would talk about just him and his issues. If you must talk about family issues I would suggest a new counselor. It was wrong for her to want to talk you out of something like that. You have love to give... why not share that with as many children as you and dh feel you need, want, and can handle?!

And good for you for doing so well in 14 months. That's a tough transition and you sound like you are doing wonderfullly!!

dna · 03-30-2004, 03:36 PM

{{ hugs }} Lacy !

Do what you feel in your heart and it will be right

We were told all the horror stories and blah blah blah as well and our son is well adjusted and right on track as to where he should be in life. We are also adopting a girl from China as soon as I am 30 so ! I say ditch the counsellor unless she is helping and noone else can.

Then again I am not saying these things cannot happen but they can also happen when a child is biological... its always a risk but as far as I am concerned it is a risk well worth taking to build my family

HTH,
Sorry it got long
Amy

DolciLady · 03-30-2004, 04:29 PM

I do believe babies as young as 6 mos can have attachment issues. I recommend every adoptive parent read "Attachment in Adoption" by Deborah Grey. I'm reading it now and it's phenomenal.

however, your counselor was way out of line in giving a prognosis and a sweeping generalization based on ONE case.

If you want a baby from Vietnam (or any country) it helps to research how the infants are cared for in THAT particular country (get as specific, right down to that particular orphanage if you can). I would then interview International specialists (physicians) for their feedback on what to possibly expect in Veitnamese infants.

I'm guessing the chinese girl your counselor mentioned didn't have run of the mill "institution" effects, but was actually traumatized somehow prenatally or prior to being institutionalized. It's rare to have infants come away with such severe issues to cause years of therapy or wreak havoc unless they underwent actual trauma (physical/sexual abuse, extreme neglect or malnourishment, etc).

Just because babies can't talk, doesn't mean they don't learn or have non-verbal memories. But I think your counselor is basing her opinion on a pretty rare case.

I want to give you a big congratulation for planning to adopt a foster child/ren.

Robin

macrod · 03-30-2004, 06:14 PM

Hi- we are on our way to adopting our foster daughter. (we still 18 more days until an appeal can be done). Anyway, she came to us at 6 weeks and is now 14 months and the apple of our eye. However, her birth Mom has moderate retardation and her birth dad has mild retardation. The Caseworker, the GAL and our Lawyer have poised the question - What would do if she turns out like her birth parents. Our answer- We are going to shower her with love and teach her how to be independent and if she can not be a brain surgeon then she will be the best cashier that Walmart has ever had! My point is that you never know what you are going to get with children, whether bio or adopted. So, I would not be concerned with what a dr. tells you. Go with your heart.