Back from therapy session

Jane8660 · 01-24-2006 06:39 AM

I told my counsellor "Teresa" that I was much better & all that I had learnt (which was the truth).

I also said I'm coping fine, and could probably end the sessions.

She said that was perfectly fine it was completely my choice, but she just had a couple of questions about why I was ending it, how I felt about her, trust etc.

Her questions all seemed quite harmless, she seemed very cool about it. So I was quite happy to answer. I thought yeah I'm ending this and I have control so I'm perfectly happy to answer her questions.

I'm so comfortable answering her questions without really thinking that suddenly in response to one of her questions I'm talking about my distrust of people, how they let you down then I'm telling her that I don't like doing these sessions because theres a power imbalance.

I'm so caught up it in, and she keeps encouraging & reassuring me. She's saying this is good, you're right there is a power imbalance, its understandable you'd feel this way, you have to protect yourself that's very important etc etc.

Before I know it I decide that I want to see her for at least 3 more sessions.

I come out of it, walk back to work, and now I realise - she totally played me!

Damn she's good!!!!

So bottom line is, we are going to continue to work on my fear/abandoment/trust issues.

I'm still feeling a little fragile, but thanks girls for all your support over the last week, it's been tough but you have all really helped.

This mental health thing is a real rollercoaster!

**isenephthys** · 01-24-2006 06:47 AM

jane, it is a rollercoaster. it's not meant to be an easy thing... i think i mentioned in the other thread that getting into therapy is like opening pandora's box- all of the big nasties that have been lurking in the background are going to come to the surface and you will feel vulnerable. things may intensify as you work to resolve your issues, but all of that hard work is worth it. trust me.

i am proud of you for going today. and for deciding to go back.

i'm here for you and you know that you can post/message here anytime, ok? *hugs*

Jane8660 · 01-24-2006 08:02 AM

Thank you, you've been so supportive.
It is really hard. But I've got to keep working on it. I realise that now. I don't want to have any more self destructive episodes.

**sleepydumpling** · 01-24-2006 10:58 AM

Sweetness, did you talk to her about referring you on to another counsellor that you can have "unlimited" access to? I really think you'd benefit.

And I don't think she played you at all. I think she got you to open up and talk about how you REALLY feel (instead of you playing her, so to speak - I don't mean that in the nasty way). I think she's doing exactly what a good counsellor is supposed to do - keep you there until you work on what is the REAL problem.

Forget holding back - go and let it all out in big gushes and believe me, you are going to feel 100 times better for it!

Hugs

**ABumpyGal** · 01-24-2006 12:27 PM

Yeah Jane, the good ones are "damn good" indeed! Often my own therapist will have me rattling off about a topic for minutes before I will realize, "Wait a minute! How did I just open up like that about this?!" It can sure feel like a game, but really I think Sleepydumpling has the answer on this one. A good counsellor can lead us along until we are talking about our issues as that's what we are there to do, and let's face it, we probably wouldn't be too forthcoming with many things if they didn't lead us along. It isn't anything personal, she's just used to getting people comfortable with opening up about things they'd rather not think about, let alone talk about. Sadly these are the very issues we often have to work on in therapy.

Glad to hear you're doing ok hon!
Dana

**nicole47** · 01-24-2006 02:12 PM

*hugs*
I'm glad you're still seeing her.

She sounds like an amazing therapist.

Jane8660 · 01-24-2006 11:37 PM

Yeah she is good at what she does.
I found myself saying I need more sessions, which she agreed too. But my intention was to have no more sessions. Somehow she got me to see that I did need more help, that this was a safe place, that she was willing to help. Not only that but she made me feel like it was all my idea!
The only thing now is that I go through this weird stage after seeing her. Firstly after session I drink & drink & feel lousy. But then the next day I feel great & reenergised.
The problem is now, because she still wants to see me, my good feelings about her have intensified. Now this sounds really weird but its like I'm falling in love with her, and yet I'm a married hetreosexual!?
But I find myself thinking about her non stop, looking forward to seeing her again, wondering if she likes me too, worrying about her etc etc. Feelings you would normally associate with someone when you first start falling for them.
I'm very very confused.

**keepinthefaith** · 01-25-2006 01:13 AM

Jane8660- Thats actually a quite common emotion when going through therapy. It's called transference and most people only associate it with an opposite sex therapist but it can happen with a same sex therapist also. It has nothing to do with sexuality or "love". This is someone that you share your deapest secrets with, someone who listens to you, accepts you and helps you. This is a person that you trust and feel comfortable with so it is only natural that you have these feelings. It is the reason that it is illegal for a therapist to sleep with a client. Therapists deal with this all of the time and you should talk to her about it, she will understand and will know how to help you past these natural feelings.

**sleepydumpling** · 01-25-2006 01:59 AM

What Deliah said!

And I'd talk to her about the drinking too, she's got all the strategies to help you.

Jane8660 · 01-25-2006 03:48 AM

Oh my god are you serious?
Tell her that I feel like I'm falling in love with her?!!!
I couldn't do that it would be way way too embarassing!!!!
I also find myself wishing we could have a relationship. I fantasise about us being like a couple or something. But I'm still very much in love with DH. Too weird I know.
I have mentioned the drinking but downplayed it.
I feel really anxious & confused.

**nicole47** · 01-25-2006 04:01 AM

*hugs*
I can't help alleviate the anxiousness and confusedness, but you've got my support!

Jane8660 · 01-25-2006 04:31 AM

I really miss her. Its so weird. Now I feel depressed because I can't see her again for another week. I really want her approval and love. I want her to want & need me as much as I want & need her. I keep having this fantasy that she feels the same way. But how can this be when I'm married?
Its hard to explain. Its like I have feelings for her that you would have for your mother & for your lover - but combined. An odd combination I know.
If I told her this, surely she would think I'm a freak, and I don't want to risk scaring her off.
I feel really down about this now, because my feelings are so strong & feel real & genuine - even if you are saying they are not - they feel like the real thing.
Why does this transference thing happen? Is it possible its not transference and I really am in love? (it sounds ridiculous even to me, but its a very strong all encompassing feeling).

**sleepydumpling** · 01-25-2006 05:05 AM

Jane, I would bet a whole week's pay that she's a) heard it before, b) wouldn't think it was weird and c) probably has heard WAYYYYYY weirder things in her time!!

What you're experiencing is very common, and you aren't the first. It's like doctors looking at our girly bits... they've seen it ALLLL before!

**Susanna** · 01-27-2006 11:54 PM

Jane, I don't want to put a dampner on things for you, and I know my view will be a little different from many others here...

But take care with those feelings.

Yes, they're very normal, and transference is a very common phenomena, but they can also get out of hand if you are not careful.

I would trust your instincts on wanting to maintain a healthy distance, and not let your own thoughts about wanting to end therapy or take a break be in any way pathologized as 'resistance' or any other such psychodynamic precept.

I am a very happily married person who fell in love with her therapist (also female, and I, to, am staunchly heterosexual), and whose therapist was unprofessional enough to play along. We became way too attached to one another, the relationship seeped out of the therapy room, and when things ended (I finally confronted her about my dependency/the many hours we spent together each week/her not charging me properly/my getting better not worse/her boundary violations in relation to me etc etc) it ended explosively with me falling apart completely.

It is 3 years since I last saw her, and my life and my head are only JUST back together.

Patients fall for therapists the world over, every day, and most of them end up fine. Most therapists are also professional and sane enough themselves to keep good boundaries. Others, though, like me, end up terribly hurt, and wake up one morning to find they are in the depths of a very deep pit that takes an enormous amount of time and energy to climb out of.

Your therapist may well be able to handle your feelings in an appropriate and sensible manner, and may be acting entirely in your interests. But my radar always lights up when I see people who have decided to leave therapy, and are talked around by the therapist...or who are convinced that their 'issues' are what is leading them to want to quit - when it might just as easily be their wisdom and their own self knowledge and understanding.

If I can offer some suggestions

- limit the time you spend with her, if you want to dampen down some of these feelings. Limit the amount of time you spend with her in your head. Contact, either in person or in fantasy, just breeds obsession.

- I wouldn't see her more than once a fortnight if it was me, and I was having feelings like this. Weekly may even be enough to set up a dependency and embed her in your life (given the intensity of your feelings)

- keep a good eye out to ensure both of you are respecting good therapeutic boundaries. It is your job, as well as hers (though her absolute responsibiility). Come to terms with the fact that this will never be anything other than a professional relationship, and understand that if it was to ever be anything else, that it would become an abusive relationship. Really get your head around this - it's a hard one to juggle

- if the feelings get too intense, take a break, and don't get too involved in discussion about 'the relationship' with your therapist.

Hope it helps in some way

Please take very good care around this

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