Barely hanging on

TennGirl · 08-15-2002, 06:46 PM

I've been in my apartment for a month now. I hate it. I am SO miserable. I can't deal with being apart from DH! He's joined some stupid singles line (on the phone-that's how we met), and even though his ad says he's just looking for someone to talk to and doesn't want a relationship (he better not! we're still married!), I know he's been talking to other girls. I call him CONSTANTLY, and all we do is butt heads about what happened. I'm having a hard enough time dealing with everything, on top of the guilt that I feel. I KNOW he feels like s**t, I don't blame him. So do I! But he keeps reminding me of what I did. That, and we're fighting about a stupid loan we took out right after Christmas. It's in his name, but it was to pay off some of his stuff AND mine. I just got a second job, so I'm going to pay him $100/month, but that just isn't good enough. He's stressed about money, but so am I. I can't just pull $243 out of my butt to take over the loan like he wants me to! If that were the case, I'd pull out $350 so I can make my car payment this month!! Granted, he has "house" expenses, and I have "apartment" expenses, I can't help any more than I am, and I told him so. Even though we argue every time we talk, I can't quit calling. I'm grasping at straws, and I'm about to lose my grip. I'm afraid I'm becoming obsessive, and he's going to think I'm psychotic or something. But I can't let go! I'm just scared to death, and things just aren't getting any better, emotionally or financially.

TennGirl · 08-15-2002, 08:50 PM

Jen, thank you so much for your reply. You always reply to my posts, even though you aren't even a mod on here anymore!

You give good advice, and I really appreciate it.

Lendi · 08-15-2002, 10:06 PM

Oh, you're really caught in the cross fire, aren't you. Wanting someone but not. Is there anyway you can work things out, maybe with counseling. I'm sorry I don't know what was going on to know it that might be an option or not, but you sound so miserable without him. I hope you can either work it out or go on with your life. Change is so hard and stressful. Hang in there. Please take care of yourself. Hugs, Lendi

TennGirl · 08-16-2002, 12:27 PM

Oh man. Today I felt like crap as soon as I got up. I immediately thought about all of this s**t, and was barely able to get ready for work. Kind of hard to put on makeup when you're bawling. His dad moved into the house yesterday-OUR house. Tyler (stepson) is starting kindergarten today, and I'm missing it. I just can't seem to stop crying. I almost stayed home from work so I could stay in bed all day, but I need the money so bad. For some stupid reason I called him at work as soon as I got to work and left a message for him to call me, but I know he won't. I really think I'm becoming obsessive! It scares the h**l out of me. My parents want me to think about coming home, Iowa. I don't think I can do that. Even though Eric and I aren't on good terms, I can't stand the thought of not being nearby. And especially not seeing Tyler. UGH. This is going to be a rough day. Thank God my doc upped my Paxil to 20 mg instead of 10. Think I'm going to need it.

Thanks for listening ladies-I know I'm posting the same stuff over and over it seems, but I'm just kind of lost right now.

DavisSR · 08-16-2002, 03:20 PM

I have been following your story for a long time. I have been worried about you a lot, that is why I read your posts. I want to make sure that you are okay.

When my BF left me, exactly 10 years ago this past Wednesday, I was devasted. I was living in Colorado and my parents had moved to Arkansas two years prior, so I had no family near by. I made the decision to move to Arkansas with my parents. For many months I was torn because I was not near my ex, however, I think it was the best thing that I could have done. If I stayed there, I would have tried to stay in touch with him and maybe even take him back.

Moving away from the situation helped me to heal and get over the relationship. I know that it is something that you don't want to do, but it just may help you to heal.

Big hugs!

~*Shanah*~ · 08-16-2002, 07:39 PM

I totally agree with Sheri!

I've also read your posts about your DH. At first I was like whats the big deal? It's just a kiss, but then again I could see the other side of it.

The way I see it now ...

I think he needs to grow up! Yes, what happend hurt him, but it's not like it went any further. He needs to get help, it sounds like he already had some issues that needed to be delt with.

Hun, I'm so sorry your having to go through all this. Stop thinking about him, you've put enough guilt on yourself and appologized more than enough. He wants to end it, then it's his loss. You really should think about going to your parents, even if it's not permanent. Just till you get yourself organized. Stay away from him, so he can really think about the whole thing. You cant throw your life away for one little tiny mistake. Your letting him win by letting him know how miserable you are.

So, go take a break, relax and try to have some fun.

(((hugs)))
~Shanah

Cindy B · 08-16-2002, 10:19 PM

Jen,

I said this once before and I'll say it again. Your ex wanted out of this relationship a little too fast if you ask me. I still think something is up with him wanting out of it too quckly. Especially seeing as though he's already got a personal ad running for someone to "talk to and be friends with".

I'm sorry that you are hurting right now. It's hard to be on your own. ( I've been here myself for the last 9 years) I know what it's like to come home to an empty apartment. Thankfully I have a cat who gives me unconditional love. She's saved me from thinking of ending it all soooo many times. My ex and I moved from NYC to FL and now I'm like 18 hours away from my family(instead of the 4 when I lived in NYC). I've considered moving back home but the job situation isn't that great back home and I've got a decent job here.

If your husband really wanted things to work, he would have considered the counseling thing. Definitely sounds like he definitely needs to grow up.

Keep your chin up things will get better.

We are here for you.

Cindy