Alright so it has been 7 months and 3 days since my beautiful daughters were born, and gone. I know everyone says that at the time I did what I could handle. But I chose not to hold them, I chose not to see them. And it is ripping my heart apart like no other thing in my life, and I have been through so much. I have my photos that the hospital gave me, and I will look at them sometimes until I cry myself to sleep, and then my husband sees and trys to comfort me. He does let me know that it isn't just me going through this.
The girls SHOULD of been born on Sept 3rd, they SHOULD be 1.5 months old now. I SHOULD be able to hold them, and cry because I am fustrated. I SHOULD be able to look at my husband and tell him, your turn to change the diaper. :p But alas, that is not going to happen. Instead on Sept. 3rd. we got our tattoos. mine took 4 hours, his took 6 hours. This was his first and probably his last tattoo. It is between his shoulderblades. I love tattoos, personally I think they look hot, expecially if it has a deep meaning on it. Like of our girls. But he doesn't ever take his shirt off for me to see it.
You can see mine, It is on my shoulderblade and runs up and over my shoulder a bit as well. He said he is very happy with it.
I wore a tank top one day, and some random person, asked to see my tattoo. I don't have a problem with it, so I lifeted up my hair. They asked wwhat it is for, and I told them it is for my daughters. Their mouth hit the ground, and they almost cried, HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU HAVE. That made me laugh. I told them just my two girls. That is why only two have wings. I then had another person ask me why I got the tattoo. I told them it is for my daughters, (they know what happened) she turned around and said but you do not have any children. I looked at her with the straightest face I could muster up, and plainly said , my children may be dead, but they are still my children, my world, and my everything, and then walked away before she could see me crying.
So I finally got all of our results back today. We have switched to a new Doctor, and being that my first try was wasted due to Dr. error, and we did conceive the next time with the same Doctor, we just do not want to waste our next chance you know. So everything came back alright which is quite the releif, as I got a call last Monday, saying I needed to come in and redo my Pap test because of abnormal results. Last time I had abnormal results, they removed part of my cervix because it came back as positive for cancer. So needless to say this last week has had me in a worrying fit. So I gave the nurse my inventory of all the medications that I have, and I only need a few more of a couple of things. One of the most expensive ones I have is the follistim, I have 4 boxes of 900 and one of 300. This doctor doesn't even want to use follistim on this try. Just use the reponex (sp?). They said I could either donate it, or save it for if this IVF doesn't take. This kind of fustrates me as well, because it is so expensive and now I am not going to be using it. But Dr. comes so highly recommended by everyone I talk to about him, so I guess I shouldn't fret about that right.
So I am happy, and scared and confused, and I don't know what else. I am scared of doing it all again and it not working. Then if it does work, what if something similar happens you know. I am still having a hard time as it is still trying to cope with the loss of the girls. We went through hell and high water to get them, and then to have them taken from us. People say that God would not give it to you if you couldn't handle it. I lost all my faith in anything the day my girls were born and taken from me. If they were not meant to be here with us now, then the IVF should never of worked in the first place, it would of saved us so much heartache.
So right now, my brother and his wife, and their almost 2 year old daughter are staying with us until they get back on their feet. I would of said no if they didn't have a child, but the child didn't ask for the situation you know. It makes it even harder to even get out of bed everyday because it should be my daughters in my own house, in the house we had built for them, to have a bigger home. But instead it is his child. Maybe I am jealous, that it is not something I can have right now, I just don't get it. But then I have to listen to them complain about how much of a brat she is being or what a terror she is being because she will not listen at all. My brother actually said to me the other day, are you guys sure you want this, seeing as what we are going through with our own daughter? I told him I would give anything to be able to be going through what they are. I want so badly to say, that if they took her out and played with her more, she would be more occupied, instead of sticking a cartoon movine on for her and telling her to watch it. She wants to run around, she is going to get into trouble. So take her out, take her to the park, let her run around, let her exhaust herself you know. I took her to the park one day, (not mind you they have been here 2.5 months, I took her to the part a few weeks ago, and her mom took her tot he park once since then, those are the only times they have taken her to the park) she was so happy, and so exhausted, she fell asleep while I was pushing her in the swing. So I slowed it down to a rock, and then she woke up and wanted me to hold her, so I did and she went back to sleep for a little while longer. Then she was up and running back around at the park. She slept so good that night. And then they complain when she doesn't sleep through the whole night. Why are they complaining to me about it? Shouldn't they be happy? And then they want another child. Ummm.... shouldn't they be waiting until they are back on their feet, with their own place and what not?
So I have my support group once a month, and it is in the evening, and I can not go until after the first of the year now, since I have been switched to second shift at work. But now it is like I have no one to talk to. I can talk to my husband sure no problem, but he doesn't open up, you know he has the whole hide your emotions part pact down to a lovely art form. I'm scared that people will think I am trying to replace my daughters, which by no means I am, and nothing ever will replace them, not ever. They are my first and second born, they are what we have tried so many years for. It is not like I am going to wake up and forget about them because there is another baby here. I jsut want to be able to experience the joys of being a mother, being able to hold my children, teaching them to crawl, and walk, and talk and run and everything else. The only thing I know about being a mother at this point is heartache, and as wrong as some of you may see me as putting it this way, but that is how I see it. It feels like my heart was ripped out the day they were born. Sometimes I just feel nothing at all, sometimes I feel everything. When I actually do sleep, at least once a night, I wake up crying my eyes out, because I keep reliving that day. It should be getting better, but I do not think it is. The anti-depressnats that I take, don't really help. They seem to take the edge of a bit, because if I forget to take them for a few days, it seems like I am a basketcase.
Liek I said, I feel lost, confused, conflicted, scared, excited, and everything else, but everytime I think about it, that excitment is demolished within a minute when reality hits me back in the face, saying this is how it really is, and this is how it probably will be. I know it takes time, but how much time. People say they try to live by their childs way, of being so strong and a fighter, and everything else. But how can I do that, when my own mother turns against me, and then turns my whole family except my two brothers against me. No one in my family except my two brothers will talk to me anymore. You should be able to talk to your family, and go to your parents for help and support, (mentally not physically) but she made sure that would never happen. How can she not see that at a time like this you need your family, you need your own mother. She doesn't even have the heart to ask me what my Daughters names are. She doesn't even have the heart to get off her selfish butt and come and see me at the hospital, or at home after the girls were bron, when it is like only a 20 minute drive. I know this is the way she is, and unforgentally that will never change no matter what in this world happens, but for once in her life, why can she not just be a mother. *Sigh* Why can she not think of anything else other then herself. She won't even allow my father to speak to me, and I am a big daddys girl. My daughters were born on his birthday ironically enough too.
All these holidays are coming up. How can I celebrate them with my husband? He has not given up his faith, but he doesn't believe as much as he used to either. They were born a few days before Easter this year, how can I ever celebrate an Easter with a fancy dinner and all that again, even if my husband does believe in it all. Halloween was my fav. holiday. I can't even pull myself together to put up decorations. I take my nephew every year to go trick or treating, and I just can't do it this year. I know he doesn't understand, and I am not sure my brother quite does, but I just can't do it. How am I supposed to celebrate a Thanksgiving, when you are supposed to be grateful for the things that you have. How can I celebrate an Xmas, a day of merry and joy, when none of that is there within me?
I am just having a real hard time. I am not sure if it is my minds way of trying to cope still or what. I just don't seem to be able to pull out of this. Sometimes I think I get worse, but I do not ever think I get better. People all assume your alright, if you smile pretty for them on the outside, but in all honesty everything is dead and torn to shreds on the inside.
Been awhile 
