Being overweight makes me feel like such a worthless piece of ****

irishmonk · 10-03-2005, 12:38 PM

I know that being thin wouldn't solve all my problems, but MAN does a big part of my depression stem from my weight. Everything bad that happens to me, my inner monologue says, "Well, of course. What did you expect? You're a fat, ugly sloth and you don't DESERVE good things." The worst is when it comes to pg. As you can see from my siggy, TTC has never been an easy road for us. I am incredibly blessed to have one beautiful child, but I want so much to give her a sibling. It's even harder now that she's begun asking for a "baby sister" a lot recently.

And it just seems everywhere I turn, someone is getting pg easily. The most recent is a friend on another board who had IF with #1 and then got pg with #2 on her first cycle trying. Her baby is only 10 months and she's still bf'ing significantly. And my brain says to me, "Well of course she got pg easy this time. She's pretty and thin. Only really worthless pieces of **** like you have IF every time. It's God's way of telling you not to reproduce because you're a terrible mother."

And I'm so happy for her, I really am. I'm happy that few have to suffer the anguish of repeated IF. And she is a sweet, wonderful person and a great mom. So then I beat myself up even more for not being able to just feel happiness for her; my selfish inability to do so just makes me hate myself even more.

I'm off my meds right now, which certainly doesn't help anything. (I'm working on getting back on them again.) But I've struggled with this inner monologue for so long. Will I ever learn to accept myself the way I am? I hate hating myself, but I can't seem to stop these horrible thoughts.

I just feel like a worthless, defective human being.

oaktreegirl · 10-03-2005, 02:59 PM

Michelle, you are so very deserving of happiness. Unfortunately, in our culture, the idea of size is perceived in the wrong way. Size is a health issue and nothing more. Being thin doesn't make somebody any better than if they were larger. I know that you are precious and deserving exactly as you are.
Have you considered counselling, at all? It can be helpful with dealing with self esteem issues.

penguinlover · 10-03-2005, 03:35 PM

Hi! I happen to think that there are a lot of beautiful women who are overweight. Some see that they are beautiful and others do not. But they are beautiful just the same.

I've been a little overweight most of my life. It's bothered me from time to time and still does occasionally. I guess I learned over the years that it's not what other people think that matters. If they can't see me for who I am, they are just ignorant and don't deserve to have me as a friend.

I can understand your feelings. They are common. But please realize that you are far from being worthless and are not defective in any way.

irishmonk · 10-03-2005, 08:47 PM

Thanks to both of you. I actually just managed to finally get to a doctor today and get an RX for Wellbutrin. However, she was really concerned about me and insisted that I see a psych too. Which is something I want to do anyway, but she only wrote me a one month script so that I'd HAVE to get on top of making the appt. I've got one for a week from Thurs. *thumbs up* I really do want to resolve the issues in my head, not just numb them...but in the meantime, I hope a little numbing will help.

Sometimes I just feel so hopeless, though. Like I'm destined to be fat, miserable, and BROKEN for forever.

Which is why I hope the drugs will help as an effective stopgap. My DD deserves a mama who is involved and has energy, and right now, she doesn't have that.

choirmissy · 10-03-2005, 09:04 PM

You can actually re-program the negative thoughts that you are having about yourself. It takes time, it sometimes feels stupid, and it's gradual, but you can make a difference. In part, every time you make one of those statements about yourself to yourself, you need to stop immediately and counter that statement out loud. I'm glad you'll be going to see someone who can help you work through this. You've got a lot going for you already. I'm 35 and still TTC #1, so I know where you're coming from, but it has nothing to do with weight. Your time will come, and if for some strange reason it doesn't, you have a beautiful daughter to be thankful for.

Melissa

pigletbst · 10-10-2005, 11:09 PM

I am so glad you are going to see someone and that you have started medication. I know the feeling of not wanting to look in the mirror because of my wt. I am on medication and it has helped alot. I am in counseling and trying to reprogram my "mean inner critic" (MIC). I know you can do it. It takes time but it will happen!

Quote:

Originally Posted by irishmonk

Thanks to both of you. I actually just managed to finally get to a doctor today and get an RX for Wellbutrin. However, she was really concerned about me and insisted that I see a psych too. Which is something I want to do anyway, but she only wrote me a one month script so that I'd HAVE to get on top of making the appt. I've got one for a week from Thurs. *thumbs up* I really do want to resolve the issues in my head, not just numb them...but in the meantime, I hope a little numbing will help.

Sometimes I just feel so hopeless, though. Like I'm destined to be fat, miserable, and BROKEN for forever.

Which is why I hope the drugs will help as an effective stopgap. My DD deserves a mama who is involved and has energy, and right now, she doesn't have that.

Gunnie · 10-12-2005, 10:25 AM

Wow! You are awful hard on yourself! You don't deserve that! I feel the same way about myself, and have an extremely stressful job to boot. I went and got help, and have taken about every anti-depressant out there. They really helped me through tough times. I switched primary doctors in December and was diagnosed with PCOS and pre-diabetes. I seemed to be doing so much better now that I knew why I had so much trouble losing weight, and why I was still breaking out at 45 years of age! My doctor suggested to try and stop the taking of depression meds. I have done well for a few months now, but I think I will have to continue taking them. I'm just under too much pressure and have already been hospitalized for a possible mini stroke. Anyhoo, I think the wellbutrin is a good starting point. It is also supposed to help some folks who take it lose weight. Hopefully that will happen for you. I can't take it. It makes me terribly sick. You hang in there, and hopefully you will start feeling better soon. We are all pulling for you!

Penelope Pitstop · 10-12-2005, 07:00 PM

Hi Irish
Your post summed up exactly how I feel.. I'm extremely overweight find it difficult to lose it and feel that everyone has better luck than me..Have been ttc for 6 years unsucessfully my PCOS I have been told is really severe and to top it off I have to have op this Friday 14 to have benign tumours removed which have grown to big.
((Hugs))

daughty · 10-13-2005, 04:33 AM

I can really relate because I think of myself as fat and worthless sometimes, but it always makes me sad when I see that other people treat themselves like this. Like someone else said on this thread, size is a health issue, not anything else. And thinking of it, I have been really depressed and with suicidal thoughts at the age of 19, and I had ideal weight at that time. So it is not all weight-related, maybe that can encourage us?

***hugs*** and hang in there!

10-14-2005, 02:00 PM

Hi Irish, I don't have much to say I know the feelings you have, and I am sending some hugs xx

sleepydumpling · 10-15-2005, 07:32 PM

I feel exactly the same way. I know rationally speaking it's stupid to think like that, but I can't help it. It doesn't help that I've had to struggle for everything in my life, which only makes it feel like a reinforcement that I don't get the good stuff happening to me without a struggle because I'm fat and ugly and worthless.

I've been trying to turn that voice off in my head, and it isn't easy. In fact I'm not entirely sure it's possible. So I really do know how you feel.

But if it's any consolation, I can tell from your post that you're intelligent, articulate and a genuine person. To me that's worth more than anything that you see in the mirror anyday.

Big hugs
Kath

svaldez · 10-15-2005, 07:57 PM

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am trying very hard to retrain my thinking, but it is difficult. Know that you re not alone. Many of us have the same feelings/experiences. We are all here for each other.

Amanda04 · 10-16-2005, 03:23 PM

I know exactly how you feel! I am so not happy with myself and I know if I am not happy with myself, nobody else could be happy with me either. It seems I am unhappy, but not in enough of a funk to change anything, which is frustrating. I lost about 35 lbs last year and that was the happiest I have been in my life. I am planning on going back on my medication and losing more and THIS time making a promise to myself to keep my goal.

Best of luck to you! ((HUGS))