Best friend had m/c - don't know what to say.

Quicksilver77 · 07-29-2006, 08:13 PM

Hi everyone....

Well, on Thursday, my best friend emailed me and said there was something important she wanted to talk to me about. We met and as soon as we did the tears just started streaming down her face. And then she told me that she had a miscarriage....

I feel like a horrible friend. I didn't know what to say to her but that I was sorry. When she told me it took me a couple seconds to say anything because I was shocked. I asked her how far along she was and she said two months. She found out she was pregnant on July 8, then on July 12 it happened. She said she wished she had never taken a test....that way it would have just seemed like a bad period. And the worst thing about it is - she went to the hospital all alone, and she hasn't told anyone about it but me.

I guess my question is, what kinds of things should I say to her? I am trying to be as supportive as possible, but I am having trouble finding the words. All I can seem to say is that I'm sorry and that everything will be alright. She doesn't seem to take much comfort in that, though....

I figured I'd ask here because you ladies have all been through it and know what it's like. What were some of the things said to you that made you feel better, or some things I should avoid saying all together? I wish I could just erase everything for her but obviously that can't be done.

southernchic24 · 07-29-2006, 08:23 PM

I found ease just when my friends were there for me... They didn't really have to say alot, just knowing they were there to comfort me was enough.

I've had a few "online" friends tell me that I need to try again, and it will happen, but that isn't something you want to hear after you just lost your baby, KWIM?

I'm sure your friend knows you don't exactly know what to say about it. I had a friend that m/c 2 weeks before I found out I lost mine, and I didn't know what to say because I'd never been through it. Just try and be there for her... I'm sure she knows that you love her and are thinking about her... HTH. Good Luck!

HopefulCyster · 07-29-2006, 11:33 PM

Hello,

I am sorry for your friends loss.. its a very hard thing to have to go through. I suggest that you just be there for her, that you listen to her, and be a shoulder to cry on. There will be a lot of tears, and just letting her grieve is the best thing you can do for her.

Understand that this will take a while, possibly months... maybe longer. The loss of your dreams is just heart wrenching. Allow her to grieve, as long as it takes...

One thing to try not to say to her, would be to "move on and/or try again", or "there will always be another chance for a baby", or "there was something wrong with the baby, its for the best". Those things are SO hard for a woman going through a loss to hear. Also, if her grieving seems to go on longer then you might think is necessary... please don't tell her its "time to move on". I've just been recently told that, and it was like a stab through the heart, like my baby wasn't important... and to THAT mother... no matter how far along she may have been... that baby was her whole world.

Good luck with your friend, just remember to be there for her... no matter what she says, how much she cries, or how long it goes on. ***HUGS***

KlassicalKat · 07-30-2006, 12:49 AM

I am not going to pretend to know what the devastation of misacarriage is like. When my friend miscarried, I just tried to listen. I came over with meals for her and her DH and cleaned and offerred to help in any way that I could. I did the same when she miscarried again. I tried to be strong for her. The second time, though, I sort of lost it and burst out crying, too and blurted out, 'Damn it, it's just not FAIR!' and I meant it. Then I wondered if I had made things worse by showing my frustrations. After all, she was the one who had gone through hell. However, she counts the time that I cried with her one of the best reactions to her tragedy. She said that it touched her heart that I felt so strongly about it, too. I really did, too. Still do. So, showing those heartfelt emotions was a good thing after all. So, be a good listener and just be yourself.

You are a very sweet friend to be concerned about this. It shows that you truly care.

Kathryn

Rebecca527 · 07-30-2006, 02:17 AM

I've never had to go through a miscarriage either, but being friends with several women on this board and in real life that have...I believe being honest with her is the best option. If you can't think of something to say...tell her that you can't find the words to tell her how sorry you are. Just being there is the best thing sometimes. Follow her lead...if she seems like she wants to talk about it, offer a listening supportive ear. If she doesn't, don't bring it up. Don't force her to talk about it, but don't ignore the fact that she has just lost her child. Remember her due date and m/c anniversary date...send a sympathy card or flowers or balloons. Just letting her know that you're there to listen anytime would mean the world to her. All too often people stop talking about miscarried babies because it's somewhat easier for the rest of the world to forget they existed because they never met/held them. To her, this is her child. This was a very real living being that deserves to be remembered and honored by talking about his/her too-short life. Tell her that you're sad/angry/frustrated/(whatever emotion at the time fits) that this has happened to her. Send her a little note/card every few weeks just to let her know you're thinking of her and are still here to support her. Good for you for being such a caring compassionate friend! The world needs more friends like you! My condolences to your friend on the loss of her precious baby.

MoesMom · 07-30-2006, 04:29 AM

Unfortunately, I do know the pain of miscarriage. I've had two. The most recent was on July 12th-the day I got my + beta. Honestly, there isn't anything that anyone can say to take away the pain. Just being there and listening anytime she wants to talk about it is the best thing you can do.

DagsinRed · 07-31-2006, 01:55 AM

Hey Quikilver - God bless you for your desire to be such a good friend. I had an m/c over 2 years ago I needed friends like you around for a LONG time after.

I agree with the other ladies, the most important thing is to just make yourself available and be there for her if / when she needs it.

I also agree that there's nothing you can say that will make it easier. PARTICULARLY avoid comments like "you're still young", "at least you know you can conceive" or "there was obviously something wrong with it, that's why you lost it...". There's nothing you can say that's going to take the pain away, but comments like this can add to it.

The advice I've given other friends who've asked is to ask the person themselves what they need / want. "Is there something I can do for you today?" or "Anytime you need to talk or just want to get out, give me a call." These sorts of things take the pressure off and let you know that someone is there for you.

The other thing to do is to offer to give her a distraction if she wants it. When I have supported friends through m/c's, we've often found after a week or so they kinda go crazy and just want to get out and do something so they can forget their grief for a while. I've taken friends to movies, go-karting, bowling... anything that gives them something to focus on OTHER than the m/c. But again, I wouldn't push them to do that, just give it to your friend as an option for when she's feeling like getting out.

HOpe this helps! I will be praying for you and your friend.

Aimee

AngelMama0914 · 08-01-2006, 02:28 AM

Hello-

Just wanted to say, Im very sorry for your friends loss. I to know the pain of losing a child and the hurt it causes. I was actually with a friend when mine started, I actually had my son in the weeee hours of the morning with just my mother around. Some of my friends talk of it, others dont. But the ones that did said everything right, even though almost a year later they probably are thinking just like you. Its very hard to express emotions right after a loss other than the emotions of the child, but I know that if it wasnt for my friends that helped me through, I dont know what I would have done. Sometimes saying nothing is the best medicine. Just knowing that my friends are there then and now, is the best thing. I know now for me after almost a year, it kills me when people say "the baby" or whisper behind my back about it. I am proud to say I am a Mommy to Angels. Some woman arnt. But I know that I love it when my, what I call "safe" friend say my sons name. I feel like I am doing a great job at keeping his memory alive! Just stand beside her and show her you care and she will love you even more for it!!

My thoughts and prayers are with you all!

ssaunders1187 · 08-16-2006, 07:31 PM

I think these ladies have hit it pretty well.. As long as you keep from saying "it wasnt meant to be", "you can have other babies", you will be fine. The one that hurt me the most was "you're probably better off" which came from my 21 year old sister who has 3 kids. My mom had been through miscarraiges and supported me hardcore.She shared her feelings about her losses with me and it made me realize that i wasnt alone.

Just be a good listener, and give lots of hugs.

Mustard Seed · 08-16-2006, 08:09 PM

It is very sweet of you to try your best to understand your friend through her m/c and to support and encourage her as well as you can. That definitely shows how much she means to you! I agree with the other ladies... there are a lot more things you shouldn't say (even if they sound helpful to you, they might not be to her) than things you should say. Definitely remember her due date. I know only a few family members remembered my due date and it was hard to think that they had just forgotten. My sister did remind a few close friends and I got cards from some of them, so that was nice though. Ask her if she and her dh are going to name the baby, but preface it by saying that if they want to keep the name to themselves, you understand. Even though my m/c was almost a year ago, a friend just recently asked me this question and it was very healing for me to share with her the name we had picked out and know that I would also be able to refer to my baby by name around her. Cry with her, hug her and listen to her. And encourage her that she can talk to you at any time, even if others in her life think it's time for her to move on and not dwell on it. She will be able to move on her own time, not theirs, so just encourage and support her until then.

nicole47 · 08-16-2006, 10:20 PM

I agree with what everybody else has said. The best thing you can do is just be there and not be judgmental. Accept that this is a true tragedy and really nothing can be said to make it better... the grief just needs time and support to be worked through even though it will never heal completely. My friend that was most comforting would IM me from time to time to ask how I was doing or if I needed anything, and just being asked without any other expectations or platitudes really helped a lot.