Ok so i just need to rant for while. I hate pity party poor me crap, but sometimes it just makes you feel better.
So I'm 25 years old, divorced, overweight and pretty much hopeless. I feel like my life is over, like i missed the boat. I have a boyfriend, but he's as messed up as I am. He has severe social anxiety disorder. He's terrified of people. Which leaves me to do everything. He doesn't have a job because he's too scared to leave our apartment...we are trying to get him help, but the stupid schedulers there won't let me schedule the appointments for him...they want him to call. Good plan...lets make the guy who's petrified by his own terror of people and phones and awkward social situations call US.
I'm 25 years old and I work at a vets office. I'm not a vet or even a vet tech, I'm one of the front reception girls. I can't afford to go to school, and since I'm perpetually supporting someone, I have to work full time. There is no one there to take care of me when i need it. I don't even get to be depressed...I have to act like everythig is fine, so my boyfriend doesn't get all depressed and feel like everything is his fault. If i dont' laugh out loud at something he finds funny it's like i punched him in the face. "whats wrong? don't you like this, isn't it funny...aww you don't like it (pout)" So fine I laugh and i pretend everything is fine. I walk on eggshells to make sure his life is perfect, and on the inside i'm 5 seconds away from cutting myself.
I have PCOS and it's pretty severe. The hair, the weight, the early arthritis, the abscesses under my arms, the pain of my ovaries trying to pull themselves apart, knowing if I were to have a little girl she'd end up just like me. I don't want kids, I already live my life for someone else, i don't want to do it more. I grew up trying to please my parents, and I'm living right now to make sure my boyfriend is happy. But what about me, when is someone going to take care of me. My whole life I looked out for others and I have nothing to show for it. When my mom left my dad, she asked if I wanted to go with her...which i desperately did, but i stayed to make sure my dad didn't kill himself. I worked full time, went to high school, gave him everything i earned and walked back and forth from work and school and home while i was pregnant. My body gave out and I lost the baby at 4 1/2 months, but I had to be strong, and mourn privately since my father never knew and my boyfriend at the time was grief-stricken. I grew up and moved in with friends, and everything was good for a while...i met a guy, we ended up getting married, and then i found out that he was schizophrenic and hated people. I knew he was "shy" but it was so much more. He didn't want to build a life, he was happy with me working and him playing video games in our studio apartment. So I finally got up the nerve to leave him. I met another guy, this one really IS shy...he WANTS to build a life with me, have a house, provide for us, be a partner. The problem is...he's petrified of social interaction. He's the smartest man I know, and he's very compassionate and self-aware, and sensitive....but paralysed by his own brain. So I take care of him.
I have no friends anymore...when i left my husband I moved halfway across the country and all of our friends stayed loyal to him. I play video games and I have lots of friends online who live a time zone away but no one I can hang out with here. I'm so lonely and depressed I don't think I can stand myself anymore.
We have 2 cats...one of which is a little baby kitten. I work for her, i feed her, I love her and because I leave for 10 hours shifts everyday, she spends more time with the boyfriend than me. So all she wants is to sit in daddy's lap (when she's not terrorizing the older kitty. So i spend my whole life taking care of everyone else and all i have to show for it is a crappy studio apartment, a hermit, and 2 cats who love the hermit more.
I pray everyday that a Mac truck runs me over. I don't want to kill myself, but if I were to die in a tragic accident...that would be splendid.
__________________ Vet Tech in Training!! Hooray I'm in school again!!
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We don't have pity parties here on SC. We have discussions on what we feel and what we do about them. When someone is hurting and wants pity, we give them compassion, tons of hugs, advice, and the knowledge that someone is always here for you. We know you don't want pity, you want to know someone else has hard things going on in their lives so you don't feel like you are the only one. You want to know that someone actually gives a sh*t about you, and not the many things you are responsible for. This is the place to find that.
I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. I know what you mean when you ask when is it time for me?
I honestly feel that there is one thing you have to find for you and that is a therapist. For one thing you need it to deal with your whole life, your PCOS, and your needs and desires that no one else seems to listen to. This is something you can do for yourself ~ it gives you time to be alone, from you having to be the strength about everything and for everyone.
I love the days that I go to my therapist. I found one that I can talk to easily and I know that's not easily accomplished. She was my second, but some people have been to more than 1/2 a dozen and still can't find someone to really talk to. Her office is a bus & subway ride away, so I have some time totally alone, at a time the traffic wasn't busy and I get to talk about anything I want, about anyone I want, knowing that I am not judged, but will be taught the way to deal with the stress it causes me. It's actually a pretty neat thing to be able to do. And I think that should be your very first thing that you should do FOR YOURSELF.
When you talk about what is going on in your life to a therapist, you can often put it into perspective on your own while you hear you tell them. Otherwise, the therapist helps you put it into perspective. They don't make the decisions~they offer you a way to make your own decisions by looking at situations differently than you do now.
Please try to do this for yourself? If you do nothing else, do this. It takes up an hour in the doctors' office plus travel time once a week. And it gives you a break.
Please don't think about dying. There are hundreds of cysters here that would grieve for you. And some that would lose hope for themselves when they hear a cyster is gone. Please DO THIS FOR YOURSELF.
It's really important.
Tell us how it's going as often as you want to. We'll be here to listen, OK?
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
I read your story and I have to say you are really strong, or you sound so and I think you have done really well to cope how you have especially with your boyfriend having the problems he does.
I am far from happy in my own life right now and I keep putting others first...
I am not very good at offering advice especially when it comes to issues like this as I can't deal with my own right now... but one thing is for sure I should imagine your boyfriend really appreciates you for what you do!
You may feel alone but this is a community of people who understand what you are feeling and going through. The fact that people take the time to read what you are saying and respond has to tell you that someone is worried about you and cares what becomes of you, even if right now you don't. Pretending to the world that you are always happy won't work forever because at some point you just can't maintain the pretty picture that you want people to see. I know this for a fact. Please try to see your doctor and get some help soon.
beware of the rant! 
FUZZY BEAR
