Now to start this off I just want to say that my boyfriend is really sweet, sensitive, and a great person all around. He just sometimes doesn't think before he opens his mouth. Last night we were just hanging out and talking, swapping stories about work and things, when he mentioned something that happened a few days ago at our workplace. He was in the back room when it happened so he only heard it, not saw it. I was in the room where it was happening so I saw it.
Basically, two of my female coworkers were complaining about how much stubble they had on their legs after only a day of not shaving, etc. Pretty normal. But then one of the girls (I am pretty sure she has PCOS because she noticeably grows a beard) challenged the other by asking if she had hair on her stomach. Turns out both of them did (though the non-PCOS girl just had a normal 'happy trail') and they were lifting up their shirts to show each other. OK, kind of weird, I admit. I was silent in this conversation because the fact is I have 10x more stomach hair than either of them, though I shave it all off. My boyfriend was recounting this situation and saying how gross it was and how gross the girl who started it was (there are other reasons to think she is gross besides the hair though.) I got pretty quiet at this and suddenly he realized what he'd said and started apologizing profusely. He knows I have excess body hair although he has never seen it and I have never gone into detail about where it is. I think he may be confused and think it's just my arms and legs, because as he apologized he immediately started complimenting my arms and saying how beautiful they were.
Now I know he meant nothing by it, he just wasn't thinking, and obviously he doesn't think I am gross as I am or he wouldn't be so attracted to me. But the fact is that I *do* have a LOT of body hair and I remove all/most of it so that I look fully 'normal', but it still grows on my body. And if there are times that I can't remove it for a few days (camping trip, etc) it WILL be very noticable on my stomach at least. I don't know if he even realizes that my stomach is so bad... it's actually really my entire torso. A lot of the hair there is fine, but it's dark, and of course after not shaving for a couple days the stubble makes it seem worse than it is. He assured he that he doesn't even notice and thinks I am beautiful. But if he doesn't notice and even forgets I have the problem-- I feel like it will hit him hard in the face if it ever does show itself to him, and maybe he will be really grossed out.
I don't grow a beard like this girl and I assured him of that. I have a small amount of minor facial hair, not more than a lot of women, but I translated that to him as having "no hair on my face" (he's a guy, it's close enough.) But this girl usually has visible stubble on her face, sideburns, chin, etc. I feel bad for her a lot because she probably does have PCOS. But I do have to agree that in other ways she is kind of gross so I can see where he is coming from.
Anyway, this combined with the fact that I won't be able to afford the laser treatments I was hoping for on my stomach (my cat had a medical emergency and is hospitalized which is setting me back a ton of money) is really throwing me down in the dumps. I also think the hair is getting worse again because I keep forgetting to take my 2nd dose of Spiro during the day. It's really hard because my schedule is so different every day and I have to take it with food, which is always at a different time and usually at work/with other people when it's not so easy to discreetly take a pill, so I keep forgetting. I think this is messing with my hormones and making the hair worse again. Even right after I shave my stomach you can kind of see the pores/follicles and it is noticable on the skin. I feel gross and unattractive and I am afraid my BF will realize that those dots are where hairs come from, and be grossed out... because we are not talking a 'happy trail' here... we are talking all over my stomach in a pattern that maybe rivals his (though mine is not as thick and dark-- he is pretty hairy.) I don't want to feel this way. I just finally got back to feeling 'normal' and like I was accepted by my BF but now I feel anxious and gross all over again...
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Did you talk to him about how you felt, does he know why you were upset?
Yeah, like I said in the post he realized why I was upset and immediately tried to rectify it. But the fact that he made the comment at all kind of hurts me. I am also now really stressed out because I called him to ask if he wanted to have dinner after work, and to update him on my cat, and he sounded really cold and curt with me. He said he would call me back and tell me if he could but he still hasn't... that was a few hours ago... I tried to call him again and it went to his voicemail after 4 rings which I think means he pressed 'ignore.' I am hoping it's just because he was busy at work but I am scared. I think maybe this morning he looked through my sketchbook while I was still in bed and maybe got freaked out by some of the things in there (some drawings that maybe he didn't like, and also there was an unsent postcard to PostSecret in there lamenting about my stomach hair...)
Waiting to hear back from him... I am a bundle of nerves
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Sorry his comments upset you, maybe you should tell him about your hair and how you have to remove it. If he cares about you he won't care about the hair. I told my dh when we first became involved, he was a little shocked because he never noticed I had any hair issues over the 25 years I had known him before we got involved.
Oh if you go camping bring along a razor, I've been on very long backpacking trips and just used a dry razor to keep things neat.
Sorry his comments upset you, maybe you should tell him about your hair and how you have to remove it. If he cares about you he won't care about the hair. I told my dh when we first became involved, he was a little shocked because he never noticed I had any hair issues over the 25 years I had known him before we got involved.
Oh if you go camping bring along a razor, I've been on very long backpacking trips and just used a dry razor to keep things neat.
He does already know that I "have excess body hair". I told him a couple months ago in those terms, and also specified that it wasn't just on my arms and legs. I don't know if he remembers the latter part though. I don't really want to bring it up again and keep it on his mind but I do have anxiety over it.
I did talk to him again on the phone, he still sounded kind of cold but I think maybe he is stressed over some work stuff. I hope it isn't about me... yikes. I won't see him again until Saturday either so I have plenty of time to worry...
As far as the razor on a camping trip-- does it really work? I can't shave dry. I can shave my legs, underarms, etc just with water in the shower but for my stomach I need to use a special anti-bump shave gel meant for the bikini area (which I also use it on) to get a smooth shave and reduce razor bumps. Otherwise I get bad razor bumps right away. I also need to shave every day or you can feel the stubble. Of course being PCOS my stomach is fatter than any of the rest of me (the rest of me is pretty average) so it's harder to shave than a flat flabless area. PCOS sucks
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He does already know that I "have excess body hair". I told him a couple months ago in those terms, and also specified that it wasn't just on my arms and legs. I don't know if he remembers the latter part though. I don't really want to bring it up again and keep it on his mind but I do have anxiety over it.
I did talk to him again on the phone, he still sounded kind of cold but I think maybe he is stressed over some work stuff. I hope it isn't about me... yikes. I won't see him again until Saturday either so I have plenty of time to worry...
As far as the razor on a camping trip-- does it really work? I can't shave dry. I can shave my legs, underarms, etc just with water in the shower but for my stomach I need to use a special anti-bump shave gel meant for the bikini area (which I also use it on) to get a smooth shave and reduce razor bumps. Otherwise I get bad razor bumps right away. I also need to shave every day or you can feel the stubble. Of course being PCOS my stomach is fatter than any of the rest of me (the rest of me is pretty average) so it's harder to shave than a flat flabless area. PCOS sucks
There's absolutely no mileage trying to hide things from a guy you're serious about. Most of them are very visual, touching, etc. in their understanding -- not good with words. In my experience it's not the hair that'll faze them, it's not knowing the truth that will make them very unhappy.
There's absolutely no mileage trying to hide things from a guy you're serious about. Most of them are very visual, touching, etc. in their understanding -- not good with words. In my experience it's not the hair that'll faze them, it's not knowing the truth that will make them very unhappy.
I'm not trying to "hide" anything really... I shave because it makes me feel better and because I don't want to have hair anywhere else than the normal places. I was shaving my stomach before I ever started dating him. I agree that he should know about it which is why I told him to begin with, but I don't think it is necessary to grow my hair out and let him see it or anything like that... to me it seems kind of like if a "normal" woman who plucked her eyebrows and shaved her legs just stopped doing it to show her boyfriend what it looks like with hair there. Sure it's natural, but most women keep themselves up in one way or another, it's part of hygiene and general self esteem. When we see people who don't take good care of their bodies, we say they are slobs...
I know where you are coming from because I have read some of your other posts and it's great that your husband is OK with your body hair and that you are OK with leaving it there. But for me, I am not... and your husband met you and was attracted to you knowing you had hair. My boyfriend met me and was attracted to me not knowing anything about excess hair, and like most guys I am sure he would be pretty turned off to see the hair all over. I mean, I wouldn't force him to stand in the bathroom while I took a big long #2... of course it's natural and everyone does it but it doesn't mean we need to shove it in our partner's faces... that is just how I feel about the hair issue.
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I'm not trying to "hide" anything really... I shave because it makes me feel better and because I don't want to have hair anywhere else than the normal places. I was shaving my stomach before I ever started dating him. I agree that he should know about it which is why I told him to begin with, but I don't think it is necessary to grow my hair out and let him see it or anything like that... to me it seems kind of like if a "normal" woman who plucked her eyebrows and shaved her legs just stopped doing it to show her boyfriend what it looks like with hair there. Sure it's natural, but most women keep themselves up in one way or another, it's part of hygiene and general self esteem. When we see people who don't take good care of their bodies, we say they are slobs...
I know where you are coming from because I have read some of your other posts and it's great that your husband is OK with your body hair and that you are OK with leaving it there. But for me, I am not... and your husband met you and was attracted to you knowing you had hair. My boyfriend met me and was attracted to me not knowing anything about excess hair, and like most guys I am sure he would be pretty turned off to see the hair all over. I mean, I wouldn't force him to stand in the bathroom while I took a big long #2... of course it's natural and everyone does it but it doesn't mean we need to shove it in our partner's faces... that is just how I feel about the hair issue.
I understand your reasoning and yes, it's true that my husband certainly knew what I was like when (amazingly, it seemed to me) he was attracted to me in spite of my very obvious moustache, flat chest, etc.
What I was thinking about, however, was
1. the fact that most guys seem pretty useless at coping with descriptions in words -- they seem to need to see something to make any sense of it. So your attempts to explain in words may not have been understood
2. my experience in dealing with our (i.e. dh and mine) close male friends who quite often may stay overnight in our house. I reckoned it would be far easier for me if I didn't have to hide from them the fact that I shave. Without exception they were all very nice about it. But it was when they saw me unshaven after 24 hours that it really went home to them that I had moustache and beard growth like they did. Since they've seen it they've really taken an interest -- not hostile, not nasty in any way, but an interest that shows they understand a whole lot better.
3. as I understand it, most guys seem to cope much better with even a reality they don't like than they cope with wondering what the reality is.
I understand your reasoning and yes, it's true that my husband certainly knew what I was like when (amazingly, it seemed to me) he was attracted to me in spite of my very obvious moustache, flat chest, etc.
What I was thinking about, however, was
1. the fact that most guys seem pretty useless at coping with descriptions in words -- they seem to need to see something to make any sense of it. So your attempts to explain in words may not have been understood
2. my experience in dealing with our (i.e. dh and mine) close male friends who quite often may stay overnight in our house. I reckoned it would be far easier for me if I didn't have to hide from them the fact that I shave. Without exception they were all very nice about it. But it was when they saw me unshaven after 24 hours that it really went home to them that I had moustache and beard growth like they did. Since they've seen it they've really taken an interest -- not hostile, not nasty in any way, but an interest that shows they understand a whole lot better.
3. as I understand it, most guys seem to cope much better with even a reality they don't like than they cope with wondering what the reality is.
He even said outright something along the lines of "I don't know what you do to manage it... I don't need to know" and if he obviously doesn't want to know the details of even the removal process, of course he won't want to see the hair. I think we are in different situations here with different types of SO's. From your posts it sounds like you met your husband at a young age, so your sample size of how a male SO would react is small... I am sure you are 100% right about your husband but I'm not sure I agree that this would also be the best course of action with my boyfriend. Thanks for the advice though.
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He does already know that I "have excess body hair". I told him a couple months ago in those terms, and also specified that it wasn't just on my arms and legs. I don't know if he remembers the latter part though. I don't really want to bring it up again and keep it on his mind but I do have anxiety over it.
He may have just forgotten it or wanted to forget it, my DH is forgetful quite often, if you told him that's great.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sparkbark
I did talk to him again on the phone, he still sounded kind of cold but I think maybe he is stressed over some work stuff. I hope it isn't about me... yikes. I won't see him again until Saturday either so I have plenty of time to worry...
Try not to worry, there are lots of things that can cause him stress, you feeling the need to shave is a minor problem in life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sparkbark
As far as the razor on a camping trip-- does it really work? I can't shave dry. I can shave my legs, underarms, etc just with water in the shower but for my stomach I need to use a special anti-bump shave gel meant for the bikini area (which I also use it on) to get a smooth shave and reduce razor bumps. Otherwise I get bad razor bumps right away. I also need to shave every day or you can feel the stubble. Of course being PCOS my stomach is fatter than any of the rest of me (the rest of me is pretty average) so it's harder to shave than a flat flabless area. PCOS sucks
Dry shaving works pretty well for me when backpacking, but I would rather shave in the shower because I do get a better shave there, maybe that is why they call it "roughing it", if only they had private showers in the wilderness. But on long backpacking trips dry shaving is the only real solution I have found unless I am willing to get really hairy and I am not willing to do that. I often dry shave at home if I do not have time to lather up.
What type of camping are you planning on doing? If it is just tent/car camping there are usually public restrooms sometimes they even have showers. I've done lots of car camping, fishing trips and backpacking and still managed to find a way to take care of my hair. Where there's a will there's a way.
From your posts it sounds like you met your husband at a young age
true -- if 19 is young :-). Though he was 26.
Quote:
so your sample size of how a male SO would react is small...
True, my sample size is small with regard to Significant Others -- I only ever had one. And it's possible that other males were steering well clear of me because I shaved like a male and was flat-chested. On the other hand, the male friends (they're all friends of both dh and I) I've told and have seen me unshaven certainly haven't had a shock-horror reaction -- but then there's never been any question of them wanting to be in a SO relationship with me.
At least I know how DH thinks. It must be very hard for you, not knowing what's going on in your bf's mind.
BF made a comment about another hairy woman 
