Bio mom Help!!!!!!!

One tattered Angel · 03-03-2004, 02:03 AM

Joshuas bio mom recently wrote us asking for a updated picture of him to let her family see what he looks like. In the letter she was wondering how his health was but did not ask how he was. SHe has to go thru sending a letter to our state family services because we wont give out our address. She is bugging the crap out of them and they asked me in return to write a letter telling her of our wishes and to tell her to no longer send mail to their office.
First when I read the letter the impression I got was why ask how his health is-is it to clear her guilty feelings from all the alcohol and drugs in his system. Then she is in jail and I have seen to many tv shows talking about people in the system who exploit children and their faces. I dont think we owe her any of this that is why it is a closed adoption.
So my question is what is a good way to get my point across in a letter without attacking her which I feel she has coming to her? Any ideas appreciated!!!!!

dna · 03-03-2004, 09:49 AM

{{hugs}}

Sorry you have to go thru this.

I think if she agreed to a closed adoption then she is definetly looking to clear her conscience about the drugs etc. If you do not feel comfortable sending a photo then dont but explain to her why you are doing what you are doing. I think I would feel I owed her at least an explanation for not and why you wish no more contact (not saying you dont have any intention of this)

I dunno hon its a tough spot you are in but you have the power to end it, she has no idea where you live and if she hada thought about it she could have requested an open or semi-open adoption !

Good luck
Amy

curlygrrl · 03-03-2004, 10:27 AM

Hmmm, I'm not sure why state family services is contacting you if it is a closed adoption. Maybe they've changed things since i was adopted 29 years ago (LOL!) but I thought closed meant no contact between bio and adopted family, at least until the child turns 18!

I am a big fan of open adoption myself but if this is truly a closed adoption, you owe this woman nothing. But that does not change the fact that she probably loves and cares about this baby, so if you wanted to write her a note saying the baby is happy and healthy, maybe it'd be some good karma for you

Oh, and I think it's crummy that the agency is asking you to write her. IT IS THEIR JOB to intercept these situations. You are totally within your rights to tell the agency that you want NO CONTACT and leave it at that, with no personal note to the mother.

((hugs))

Tamara

Stormy77 · 03-03-2004, 12:40 PM

I have a friend from church who adopted 2 children. She sends pictures of her children to bio mother, but she only sends ones of them form the side. She sent some of them playing in the yard, jumping on trampoline and running through the water sprinkler. All were far off shots and no close ups. That way bio mother got pics without showing every detail of how the children look now.

I hope everything turns out good.

One tattered Angel · 03-03-2004, 02:09 PM

Than you for the ideas

blonde33ca · 03-03-2004, 04:42 PM

You could always send a picture of the kids in halloween costumes

One tattered Angel · 03-04-2004, 04:20 AM

blonde33ca I need to remember that one for later use. Thanks.

Tbrown · 03-06-2004, 11:18 PM

I personally have an open adoption and send our bio-mom pictures but I understand how you feel. You might want to consider writing her a letter letting her know about the health concerns and letting her know that even though you can appreciate her wanting pictures, you just do not feel comfortable with doing that and that if she wants to keep her current name and address on file with whoever arranged the adoption ( the agency or state organization), if you change you mind in the future, you will get in touch. I am so hesitant to leave my opinion on anyone else's situation because I can not possibly know everything from just one post on a message board. So if you think this is stupid advice, I sorry.

Catylou's mom · 03-07-2004, 02:33 AM

I just have to say if the agency you adopted through knew in advance that this was a closed adoption. Then it is THE AGENCY'S responsibility to deal with all her corrispondance (sp).

They are the ones who are supposed to deal with the letters from her not you. I say once again remind the agency it was a closed adoption and to tell the mother that you do not wish to have any future contact with her. End of story, so what if they keep getting letters, that is not your problem. Sorry if I sound harsh about it, but if it was known in the beginning then it is their problem, not yours. I hope you don't have to worry about this much more in the future. Good luck to you.

rosern1 · 03-09-2004, 02:00 PM

A closed adoption is closed and I don't understand why the agency even forwards her letters. You shouldn't have to deal with that. You don't need to send anything that you don't feel comfortable sending. You are under no obligation. I really feel for you and your situation. Myself, I wish I knew where Stephanie's birth mother ran off to. When I adopted my daughter, I promised to always send pictures/letters. I did three times and now I don't know where she went. I feel very guilty because I made a promise and I intended to keep it. I also feel like I have set a bad precedant for other adoptive mothers, that this will be a bad experience for the birth mom and she will tell others and they will not consider adoption. But I also realize she is responsible for updating her address and she did not. Stephanie's birth mother is a very nice girl and I really wanted to keep in contact with her for my daughter's sake, because I know Stephanie is going to want to meet her. Well, at least I have a name and I have met her so I know what she looks like. I also know the name of every blood relative through a search of Kentucky birth records on vitalsearch.com. I did this because my daughter may have a health need someday that I can't provide because I am Mommy and not birth mother. Anyway, I sure hope your problems are resolved soon. If this was a recent adoption, it might die down after a while. She might just be having some inner struggle because it was recent. I am thinking of you.

One tattered Angel · 03-10-2004, 03:51 AM

Well I ended up writing to the mom and stated that I have kept all the things she has sent and have them in a safe place for him incase when he is older he has questions. I told her we would no longer accept letters thru the agency. I told her we understand her wanting to know things but we feel it is the best situation for our family to end everything here and now. We will tell him about her and she needs to keep her adress updated and available instead of unlisted so he can maybe sometime contact her. We told her we did not feel comfortable sending a picture. I tried to be firm but as nice as I could when I wrote the letter. I contacted the state agency and told them not to forward any letters and when I got the address to the state jail in our city it said all leters will be read and anything worth noting would be. I hope whom ever reads it before she gets it will rememebr incase she tries to write again and will help reinforce we dont want any more comunication from her. Wishful thinking im sure but maybe!!!!

curlygrrl · 03-10-2004, 10:16 AM

It sounds like you were very thoughtful and loving, I hope the birth mother can appreciate it. Again, if you really wish not to receive correspondence from her from now on, you need to be firm with the agency and ask them NOT to forward them to you. They can be filed and your son can ask for them when he gets old enough.

((hugs))

Tamara

Annette69 · 03-15-2004, 12:54 AM

I know how hard that must have been for you..I am an adoptive mom also we adopted our son thru the foster care system in 1999, I noticed that your bio said your fp, maybe that's why the agency gave you the letters. We got our son when he was 2, worked with birth mom for awhile, then tpr. She started out communicating with us then grew up and got married, and stopped. My son is now 9 and wants to know about bmom(i was going to put bm and thought oh- no that won't do) we don't have an address or new name and I think its hard on him-he has been very angry with me.
I know I personally would never send a pic of my son if she was in prison-so very good call on that one. Dealing with bio parents is always tough.. I'm not sure about the little one we have now if it goes to tpr and we adopt again..Mom lives in the same town as we do..we surpervise visits in our house... I'm going to leave it in God's hands...

Best of Wishes