Blasted by my step-dad for not continuing ttc (long)
DH and I are beginning to look into Int'l adoption. I recently m/c and realized when the dr. gave me the go ahead to ttc again, that I didn't want to. The months on Met were miserable, and I don't want to go through invasive treatments. They are just not for me. So I wrote an e-mail to my family (I live in Italy, they are in the states) asking their opinions, only b/c DH and I are leaning towards adopting a baby from Guatemala, and we are white. A lot of the homestudy info I have seen says that they may ask about how your family feels about transracial adoption.
My sisters and my dad wrote back saying they'd love any baby I had- even if it was purple with polka dots. My step-dad wrote a letter blasting me for giving up- telling me that I was emotionally distraught and taking the easy way out. I answered, explaining my feelings, and said that I was mad b/c life isn't fair. I also said that adopting is my choice- that I didn't feel the need to "exhaust all possibilities" to have my own child. He then told me that "Life isn't fair- you need to learn that and move on."
Sounds like your step father needs to move on. (((HUGS))) to you. I'm so sorry that your stepfather isn't being supportive when you need himmost. That's too bad and is definately his loss and not yours.
If you are ready to move onto adoption, go for it. Only you and your dh know what's best for the two of you. I know that fertility treatments can wear a person down and you just reach a point where you are just sick of trying and getting nowhere. Treading water, but barely enough to hold your head above the water line. It's not a fun nor a healthy place to be.
Dh and I haven't totally given up on a bio child, but it's not a priority anymore. We have ds and life is good.
Go for that adoption and bring your forever child home. If you want to continue to ttc (or not prevent ttc but not actively pursuing treatment) while you move towards adoption, I think that's great. The pressure would be off, so to speak and you two can go back to having sex for fun (if you can remember what that's like )
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. a mommy thru the miracle of adoption and biology To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I say- his loss... he doesn't seem to sound to supportive- and you need to surrond yourself with support.
When you say- we are white and the child from guatemala won't be- (paraphraseing it) you would be suprised- that like caucasians- there are different "SKIN tones" joel is very lightly skinned- i'm the paliest woman you've ever seen- dh has dark brown hair- well- he used too- he's bald now- but you would be amazed how much he looks like us- when we went to the dr- the first time- they had no idea he wasn't biological- until we told her.
and i've seen even lighter than joel- (I HOPE THIS IS COMING OUT- RACIAL- IT"S NOT MEANT TO BE- but I DON"T KNOW HOW TO WORD/SAY IT)
I'll try to attach a picture of joel with us... and you can see what i am trying to say.
jen
Thank you so much for your support. I knew I could count on my cysters!
Jen-duck- your son is absolutely precious. Thanks for sharing the pictures.
Spookycyster- You hit the nail on the head. DH and I are not giving up on biological children. We certainly ared not going to take steps to prevent me from getting pregnant. But I do want to take a break from teatment for a while.
My mom wrote me a similar e-mail this morning. It's only been a year of trying, and they both think I'm giving up too soon. I wish they could go on Met and have it wreak havoc on their digestive systems. Try that for 7 months and then try to tell me that its no big deal and to suck it up and just go back on the meds. She also wrote that I will ruin my marriage by forcing DH to do something he doesn't want. Obviously I can't enter into this process if DH doesn't agree with it. But they think he is just being dishonest w/ me b/c they can't understand how a man would want a child "not from his own blood lines".
I wrote my mom back and told her that I am flabbergasted by their lack of support and that the topic isn't up for debate. I"m just hoping they come around eventually.
Originally posted by SweetPea76
Obviously I can't enter into this process if DH doesn't agree with it. But they think he is just being dishonest w/ me b/c they can't understand how a man would want a child "not from his own blood lines".
Ugh. I don't understand why people think this way, much less SAY it out loud. Drives me absolutely nuts. We have friends who have done two rounds of IVF but haven't been successful. They've never been pregnant. She just wants to have a family, however that family comes to be. He, on the other hand, can't imagine loving a child that wasn't biologically tied to him and so, they are going to be childless unless a miracle happens and she falls pregnant. Makes me so sad for them. Biology and blood lines don't make someone a parent (makes them the bio mom or dad, but that's it). It's being up in the middle of the night for that 3rd feeding after bedtime, or sitting up with a sick child or holding your child close when they are scared, hurt or sad that makes you a parent. Biology has nothing to do with the emotional side of things.
I think that dh had fears that he wouldn't be able to love a child that was not biologically his. I think everyone does, to a certain degree. I know I was scared that I wouldn't be attracted to my child when my child was placed with me. Does that make any sense? But let me tell you--the moment ds was placed in my arms, I didn't care about biology. All I cared about was this tiny, perfect being who was my forever child. Dh, when he got home from his deployment, the first words out of his mouth when he got off the plane was "Where's my boy?". DS was two weeks old before dh met him. Didn't matter that ds wasn't biologically ours. Still doesn't. This child is ours forever. Dh is so in love with our boy, that he has found a job where he will be home with us more and giving up his flying job, which he loves. I never thought I would see the day when he voluntarily gave up the cock pit!
Hugs to you....hang in there. Do what's best for you and dh and don't worry about your family. They'll either come around or they won't. And if they don't, again, it's their loss.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. a mommy thru the miracle of adoption and biology To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I so hope your Mom and Step-Dad do come around. DH and I have been in your shoes. Dh's parents were not supportive at ALL when we first told everyone we were adopting. (especially from Guatemala, since the children were not white)
We told them our mind was made up, and if they didn't support our child, then we would just not come around. Well, the closer we got to going to get Zach, the more they came around. Now, you wouldn't know there was ever a problem. They spoil Zach rotten.
Just do what your heart tells you to do, and try not to worry about what others are telling you. We too only "officially" (with meds I mean) tried for 1 year. We knew after that year that we were supposed to adopt. As for "taking the easy way out". I just had to laugh a little at this. Adoption is not easy. I've never been pregnant, so I can't speak on how hard that is, but as for adoption, I KNOW it's hard. Even though we had a pretty smooth process, it is still hard with all the deciding on a country, agency, homestudy, then not to mention finding out who your child will be and then waiting for a travel date. It's all a very emotional process, so I don't think you're taking the easy way out.
__________________ Jen
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Wife to Greg (9/26/98) To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Mom to Zach (7/30/02 - Guatemala) To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I have been in your situation. I was raised by my grandparents. My grandmother passed away before we adopted our children and my grandfather was over 80 years old when we adopted our son, our first adoption (from Guatemala). My grandfather was originally opposed to our adopting a child that wouldn't be white. It was hard not to feel hurt, but I knew that much of it stemmed from his age and background at a time when races didn't "mix", etc..
I was very close to my grandfather as a caregiver, etc after my grandmother passed away. I saw him or talked to him everyday. I just decided to keep him informed each step of the way and pray that he would come around. Like Jen-Duck, our son is very fair-skinned for a Guatemalan child. When his referral pics came, my grandfather's first words were, "Why he isn't very dark at all". Rather than get angry, my dh & I had to chuckle a little and say that God sent us Christian just for my Pappy.
Once Christian came home, his ethnicity had no bearing at all. Pappy loved him and was so proud of him. When we adopted our daughter from Guatemala the next year, he was thrilled, even though she is full Maya. He loved her beautiful dark skin & eyes. By that time, he was living in an assisted living facility & he was very proud to tell everyone there that my children were his great-grandchildren from Guatemala. Both of them were the apple of his eye.
So, I hope that your family will come around as well!
As far as giving up, YOU know when it is time. I knew when I had had enough ttc - when I just couldn't do it any longer. Had I not reached that point at that time, we likely wouldn't have been matched with our son & I know he was meant to be with us.
Hold onto your dream and don't let anyone steal any of your joy!
Best wishes to you,
Carol, blessed Momma to Christian, 5 and Taylor, 4
Sweet Pea- Dh and I have not spoken to his step mother since Christmas Eve because she pretty much had the same attitude as your stepfather. We just through out the adoption thing with no real plans yet just to get a feel. To stir things up a little more my husband asked about how they felt about a child of a different race, probably african american or Asian. Well if you want to see a bunch of drunk Europeans go insane. We could have sold tickets. My dh was so upset over this. I told him who really gives a crap. Most of his family and all have my family would be perfectly happy with a purple poka dotted kid too. Who needs people like that in their life. His father would probably not have a problem but wicked step mom.......she disowned her own son when he was dating a different race. She feels that some people were not meant to have kids...get on with your life travel etc.....She should look in the mirror and say some people aren't meant to have kids. What a nut case.... Not that this post helped you at all but your story just brought back memories....
Delila
Thanks for all of your replies. I have continued reseaching adoption and dh and I are still debating between Bulgaria or Guatemala. My main focus now is on the different agencies.
We are moving forward with adoption and will start our homestudy/CIS process as soon as we narrow down the field of agencies. DH and I know that this is the right thing for us to do at this point in time. In a few years we may decide to resume fertility treatments, but for now, adoption is the way to go.
Blasted by my step-dad for not continuing ttc (long) 
)
)
)
