Post baby bliss or miss?

I had my baby girl on June 21st and while I love her more than words can express, I feel like I am drowning. Conner is getting progressively worse as the days go by. He cries, whines, yells, throws things, does things he knows he shouldn't and all the while smiles with glee (that is, if he's not crying). I was hoping to skip the PPD this time around because I am not working, I am a sahm. It's what I wanted to do. John goes back to work in 2 days and I am dreading it like the plague. I feel like I am on a train that's headed right into depressionville. Thankfully I am still on my effexor. That's probably the only thing that is making it bareable right now.

I can't stand this feeling I have. Conner is my baby boy and yet I feel like he is driving me insane! I've had to start formula feeding and pumping because I was so stressed while trying to breastfeed that my milk wouldn't let down at all. Poor Brenna would cry and cry and nothing was coming out. I couldn't even express. If I pump though, I can get a lot out so at least she's still getting breastmilk sometimes. To add to the frustration we have thrush. I got some gentian violet and I'm hoping it clears it up.

Sometimes, even though John is still home and I have my babies with me, I feel alone. I feel like I can't talk to my friends because either they don't know what I'm going through with 2 kids so close together in age and these feelings of depression, or they are trying to have a baby and I would feel like I am complaining and ungrateful for what I have.

Tonight I had to go outside for a few minutes to stop getting on to my son. I feel like a broken record all day long "No, stop that, get down, don't touch that, take a bite, eat your dinner, time for bed, don't climb on that, get down!" UGH!

Right now my son is in his room at the baby gate crying because he doesn't want to go to bed but I've done all I can today. All I can do is remind myself tomorrow is a new day. In a few minutes I will go back into his room and lay him down again and see if the process starts all over again. I bet my right boob it will.

I can't believe how hard this is.

Tomorrow is a new day.............