Borderline personality disorder

Celtic Girl · 12-09-2005, 03:06 PM

Hi Girls,
Has anyone else out ther been diagnosed with BPD? I was diagnosed last year. Now I know why I feel so awful a lot of the time.

I'm having problems getting family and friends to understand why I am the way I am. How do you cope?

Grateful for all replies

isenephthys · 12-09-2005, 07:17 PM

celtic girl,

i don't know very much about borderline personality disorder off the top of my head... my grandfather and a few friends are dx'ed bpd. i am recently dx'ed bipolar (and i've got a couple of the bpd qualities like abandonment depression and self-mutilation.) it's not an easy thing to live with... *hugs* it's double-edged sword- it's good to have a diagnosis but then it's bad because it is so hard to get better sometimes.

are you in therapy or under any treatment currently? i believe that psychotherapy is the treatment of choice for bpd and sometimes medications are used as well.

i have had a hard time getting my family and friends to understand. i know bipolar isn't the same as bpd, but they are both major mental illnesses that can be hell for both the person suffering the disorders and their loved ones. my family has some issues; they refused to let me get mental health when i first began with symptoms in my teens. now, our relationship is somewhat strained and we just don't really talk about my mental health much. the most positive comments i've gotten from my prents were when i spiraled downward after a dysfunctional relationship last summer- they were finally like, "well we are glad you are doing better in therapy." my friends are more understanding, but then again, most of my friends are somewhat eccentric on their own. i'm honest and open about my disorder with them. those close to me all know that i am bipolar and i let them know how my moods are swinging. and they've been mostly supportive. i think the biggest thing is to let your loved ones know about your disorder and what it means- educate them. print articles from the internet, bring your close family/friends to your therapy sessions if appropriate (like when i was having problems, my b/f went through a few sessions with me and it really helped him to realize the impact my depression was having on both of us.). do what you think it will take to make them understand that this is something that has a significant impact on your life and why. it is not easy and it can take time. i know i don't have all the answers, but i hope this helps you some.

isenephthys · 12-09-2005, 07:21 PM

here is an informative line on bpd and a dicussion of the diagnostic criteria:
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/bpd.html

ABumpyGal · 12-10-2005, 01:24 PM

Celtic Girl,
First off, I applaud you for being honest, open and vulnerable enough to get help

That can be hard and it takes real courage! Like Isenephthys, I'm diagnosed Bipolar, but I do have two Borderline Personality "features" on my official diagnoses "fear of abandonment and self-injury/self-mutilation" (wow Isenephthys, it's like we're psychological twins or something! I've only met ONE other person like us!). My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder, but refuses to get treatment for it, as she sees her problems as a reaction to "how horribly" everyone treats her, which just isn't true (except for my father, who is now abusive towards her sadly, but he wasn't for 48 years of their marriage). I think this is where I learned my Borderline features, personally, and I think there was a time in my life when I could have been diagnosed with it, but I didn't want to end up like my mother so badly that I flat out refused to act that way. I had just been in an abusive romantic relationship and it had really messed me up in the head and I noticed that I started acting a bit "like my mom", in other words, Borderline. Once I figured out what was going on, I talked to my friends about it, asked them to look for me to engage in certain behaviors and to bring it to my attention when I did. When they would I would STOP. I make it sound a lot easier than it was, obviously, or everyone would be cured. For one thing I caught it as it was being formed, and for another I still couldn't eradicate those two features I carry with me to this day, but that are getting better. Things were very rough there for about five years, too.

Other important people in my life are Borderlines who also refuse treatment, one who is very, very ill. I tried to talk to one about it as non-offensively as I could, but she went nuts on me about it, stole from me, tried to break up my long term romantic relationship, and basically made my life difficult for three years. She not only refuses to acknowledge that she has it, but she is running around telling all and sundry that I "have" it and that it means that I "manipulate, lie, and is[am] a horrible person". It would be funny if it weren't so sad, as she just described herself with the manipulation and lying;and sure she can be a horrible person sometimes! Her old boss got much worse from her though, she was accused of sexual harassment because she touched the hem of her (long) pants, which somehow became "ran her hand up my leg" to "grabbed my ass". She's told her therapist that she "grew up in a physically abusive home" when she never even got as much as spanked and even worse, told her therapist that her mother broke a bone of my partner's when he was a child. Ummm, he was there and NO, he broke it horsing around with his friends and she saw this happen. She's also accused a relative of sexually abusing her as a child. Something my partner is 99% sure couldn't have happened as she was never left alone with him, let alone in the way she tells the story. Somehow she even managed to get diagnosed with pretty much the same diagnoses I have psychiatrically! Only she went for the brass ring of Bipolar I "and that's so much worse" she sighed at me one day. "Oh yeah?" I replied,"At least you get many months to years of stability between your episodes!" Woopsies! Guess she should have researched that a bit better, huh? She's such a bad liar and manipulator you almost wonder if she wants you to catch her or something. I sometimes wonder if she's that stupid or if she really thinks I'm that stupid?

People like that are taking the easy route, you are taking the harder in the short-run, but much, much better in the long run route of getting help. I applaud you some more for good measure!

It's people like her that give Borderlines such a bad reputation sometimes, and that's not fair at all. For every Borderline like her I've known an easy four or five who would do anything to get better, and it's not like I know that many of them. I've just met a lot through my abuse survivor groups and a few growing up.

Getting friends and family to understand something this complex is very difficult. I'm not sure what books you have access to over in Germany, but that's where I'd start. Find a nice, easy to read/understand book like the classic entitled, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". Sadly I don't know the author off-hand, but I'm sure it's on Amazon.com or your country's equivelant booksales website. This book explains why Borderlines do the confusing things they sometimes do, and how to help them when they are feeling that way. It's a short book, but full of great info.

You could also try finding some websites about Borderline for them to read, but be careful, many books/websites geared towards Borderline/Non-Borderline relationships can be very negative towards Borderlines. They can make it look as if ALL Borderlines are lying, constantly manipulative, downright evil people. Of course, sadly, some Borderlines are like that to a degree, but certainly not even many, let alone the majority! Especially the ones genuinely seeking help, such as yourself. I've been friends with quite a few Borderlines in my life, and even those "bad" manipulative, lying ones were only that way because they had been hurt or didn't know any other way of having their needs met. They certainly weren't evil! They just needed help, just like any other mentally ill person. If I happen to run upon any good websites I'll pass them on to you, but as I said, that might take time as it's hard to find sites that are "Borderline friendly" or at least not "Borderline toxic"!

Support? There are lots of support groups online, but I'd be careful going that route as you are likely to run into the "bad" type of Borderline there. I experienced this when I was trying to get support for my traits a few years ago. There are a few email lists that are HEAVILY moderated that seem like they may be safe, but even being heavily moderated there are always people popping up trying to start drama. It's sad

Maybe things have gotten better? I'll keep an eye out for you and let you know what I find.

If online support is what you're really looking for, I'll approach this as delicately as I can... Borderline Personality often arises in people who have been abused in some way or grown up in abusive environments. If that's the case with you (and you obviously don't have to answer that question), there are TONS of great support sites for various forms of abuse recovery and there's often Borderlines there as a matter of course. I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder myself from various past abuses and have found these online support groups invaluable.

What I'd really suggest is a therapist, if you don't have one already. Mine has been amazing! It really helps with the feelings of abandonment, for example, because as long as you do your part your therapist will be there for you. She doesn't judge me, but keeps me on track all the same. I feel completely comfortable telling her anything at all. She's helped me nearly stop the self-injury and has helped the abandonment fears to the extent that I have been in the same relationship for going on nine years now! All that would have been unthinkable for me before.

While I'm only one person, I can promise to listen if you ever need someone to talk to about anything. My email is in my profile. I may not understand all things Borderline 100%, but having grown up with them as parents, friends, lovers, and in-laws I have a pretty good working knowledge. I do remember how bleak things felt when I think I was diagnosable, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I felt like nothing but a big black hole, and everything I tried to fill that hole with... boys, shopping, social life, and on and on, would just get sucked in and it wouldn't make a damn bit of difference in the end. Then I would feel so terrible about myself for being weak and even caring about boys, shopping, my social life. I felt like this soulless being cast adrift in a sea where everyone else not only had a sail, but a map and a compass. Things that didn't seem to bother other people would hurt me to the bone, and for days! The worst though, for me and others, were the rages. These were different than the Bipolar mood swings I still get, these were all-encompassing, blinding RAGES!!! I could go off about what would seem to an outsider to be the silliest things, but they would be serious to me (like fear of abandonment and something my boyfriend would say, for example) and I would go just NUTS! I've dislocated wrists punching trees! And kept going! Those rages were what truly frightened me, as they reminded me very much of my mother's behavior when I was growing up and I felt like I was turning into the monster I'd always imagine her to be during those times

So as you can see, I can still remember what it was like. I feel for you ((((hugs)))). No amount of money in this world could pay me to go through all that again. Things can get better, remember that. I've seen even middle aged, never before treated Borderlines make huge strides in just a few months of therapy. And she had many of the "bad" traits, too. Before therapy she had a bad drug addiction and was just plain out of control, now she's finally seeing what it's like to be truly happy for the first time in her life. Things can change.

Please email me if you'd like!
Dana

Celtic Girl · 12-11-2005, 12:52 AM

Thank you so much Dana and Isenephthys. It's good to know that there are ones out there who understand.

I have now moved back to England to live with my parents after escaping an abusive relationship last year, where it was best to get far away for my own sanity (or what there is of it!)

I have shown bpd signs for around 15 years, but only approached the treatment option at the beginning of last year when I was admitted to the closed unit of a clinic. As I didn't grow up in a classically abusive house (very loving, but not touchy-feely parents), general concensuss is that the bpd is mainly caused by bullying (mainly verbal) from school and my elder brother. My parents and many of my close friends feel threatened by my self-abusive and sometimes volatile behaviour. They don't know how to react and how to handle me on my bad days.

I have been seeking therapy since being back here, but the NHS is next to hopeless. I had an assesment in April and have heard nothing since, despite chasing up. The elders in my local congregation (I am a Jehovah's Witness) are the most suportive, but as they emphasise and I know, they are not really qualified to deal with me in that regard and can only build me up spiritually and pray with and for me, which is a great help in itself, but not the same as a professional.

Thanks for the ti with the book, Dana. I'm currently reading "Staying Sane" by Dr. Raj Persaud which focusses on using our skills of adaptation to remain mentally healthy. This is heavy reading, but he makes many valid and interesting points.

I hope you don't mind me posting rather than emailing, but I want this thread to remain open to all replies and the added info may inspire others to get in touch.

I hope that your bipolar is under control. I have seen what that can do to a person, and it's not nice. So the same goes for you, Dana. If you need a friend my mail is zoe@worwood.net.

Take care
Zoë

isenephthys · 12-11-2005, 03:30 AM

zoe, *hugs* i'm sorry to hear about your difficulty finding a good therapist; a good one is such a godsend when you're in the difficult stages of things. i am glad that your church is supportive; spirituality can be a wonderful safe haven.

one book that i worked through with my therapist was james masterson's "The Search for the Real Self: Unmasking the Personality Disorders of Our Age" it touches on bpd and helps to deal with some of the abandonment issues and ways to better cope in the "real world."

ABumpyGal · 12-11-2005, 09:01 AM

Hi Zoe!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Celtic Girl

Thank you so much Dana and Isenephthys. It's good to know that there are ones out there who understand.

(((hugs))) Hon, I guarantee there are a lot of people out there that understand, but perhaps are too afraid to speak out. Borderline Personality Disorder is quite common as far as mental illnesses go and by the time you factor in all of the people with the traits, well there's a lot of us! You aren't alone by any means!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Celtic Girl

I have now moved back to England to live with my parents after escaping an abusive relationship last year, where it was best to get far away for my own sanity (or what there is of it!)

I can't say this enough... I appreciate how impossibly hard escaping is, but it was of course the right thing to do, as you know. Don't underestimate the bravery that took! You're a very strong and, yes, sane woman! You've taken that first big step in getting things back on track and back together. I'm just so, so very sorry that you had to live through that at all. It can psychically rip you to shreds (((hugs)))

It's really no wonder that things are acting up for you now, having just gone through all that. If it gives you any hope at all, as I healed from the abusive relationship much of the Borderline stuff faded away slowly. At one year and no therapy, things are still very fresh. Things will get soooo much better as time goes on and you heal (((hugs)))

Quote:

Originally Posted by Celtic Girl

I have shown bpd signs for around 15 years, but only approached the treatment option at the beginning of last year when I was admitted to the closed unit of a clinic. As I didn't grow up in a classically abusive house (very loving, but not touchy-feely parents), general concensuss is that the bpd is mainly caused by bullying (mainly verbal) from school and my elder brother.

Well, whether society currently acknowledges it or not, bullying is abuse and can be horrible! I'm so sorry you went through that ((((hugs)))). I had a similar school experience, in fact we have many similarities. I didn't have a brother who bullied me, but my elder sister was brutal. It was mostly verbal, but in a way I think that's the worst kind. Words can cut deep, you know? I'm 32 and she's 40 and I still can't be around her... that's just crazy!

I hope you feel no guilt for how what you had to live through caused your BPD. As my shrink once said to me, "BPD and PTSD are reasonable responses to an unreasonable situation". I fully believe that to be true. It's what we make of things after we are out of those crazy situations and know what is going on that is our responsibility... that's it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Celtic Girl

My parents and many of my close friends feel threatened by my self-abusive and sometimes volatile behaviour. They don't know how to react and how to handle me on my bad days.

((((hugs)))) Oh boy do I understand! These are the exact problems I had as well. My mother would get in my face, while I was in a rage mind you, and yell at me about how I "had to be on drugs!" as no sober person would act that way! Oh, that helped! Of course I wasn't on drugs as I was a)16 and b)illegal drugs never mixed well with my brain chemistry when I tried them when I was older.Then I would rage in righteous indignation!

Luckily I always managed to hide all evidence of my self-abuse from my family. I wore long sleeves year 'round, just in case. If they ever saw anything, they never said anything. I know she's seen evidence of it lately when I've come to visit overnight, as it's much harder to hide now, but she just refuses to acknowledge it. This is probably for the best!

The only way I finally got through to my family was with the help of my therapist. They would listen to her. I would also explain tearfully to my mother that I didn't mean to act that way, that I would try to stop, but that I just couldn't. I think with her being Borderline herself, she could understand that. Plus I was so upset at the time and meant it with all my heart, I think she could see that.

My friends... well that was a lot harder. Most of my friends had mental issues of their own, so they were open minded, but my sudden instability scared them. I developed quite a reputation amongst some people that I still carry to this day. Mostly boys I had dated, and in their defense I had behaved in a pretty bizarre manner. Dating was the hardest for me, with my abandonment issues and dealing with the issues my first abuser gave me (I dated him when I was 17-18). I'd be honest and upfront in the beginning of the relationship about my problems and relay them in as much detail as I could. Sadly, each guy seemed to think he would be the one who would "fix" me somehow, and would get frustrated when that wouldn't work out as planned. My female friends were more understanding and many ended up being Borderline themselves, so there needed to be little explaining. When they would say or do something that would trigger an upset in me, I would try to stay calm long enough to explain just why I was going to go off in just a moment. That did seem to help, but many guys decided that I was too "high mantainance" and would dump me because of this. My female friends would usually end up raging right along with me and it would become a 'rage against an unfair world' kind of experience that was downright bonding, really. My female friends and I had been so ill treated by men/boys that we had a lot to rage about! It was like some sort of strange therapy. I miss that sometimes, to be honest.

I only talked about my self-injury with other SIers, just to be safe. I would also avoid those SIers who would obviously do it for attention. Now I know this sounds harsh, but please understand me, they were definitely doing it for shock value and that offended me. I would hide it from all the others and would go to great lengths to do so. I was horrified once when an ex saw a word I had "written" on my upper thigh. I was ready to die of embarrassment and just didn't know what to say. He cried

People can surprise you with their compassion sometimes.

(((hugs))) It's hard to explain all this when we barely understand it ourselves! My only advice is to just keep trying and eventually you'll find something that resonates with them. Try to explain just what it feels like, what can set it off and why (if you know), and above all keep reassuring them that you are working as hard as you can on this and their aid can help you beat it all the easier. I think people sometimes forget that we don't want to be this way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Celtic Girl

I have been seeking therapy since being back here, but the NHS is next to hopeless.

I'm so sorry to hear that

((((hugs)))) I hear that the NHS can be really difficult to work with, if you need a specialist especially. I hope they come through for you! Are there maybe any local, informal mental illness support groups in your area? I don't know about the UK, but I do know the US has them in nearly each large town. I have no idea how the NHS works, but do you have a caseworker of any sort? Maybe they could have some suggestions to help you out until something comes through. Or perhaps some sort of co-ordinator of mental health services? Any medical schools in your area? Often they do deeply discounted, or even free, therapy with interns to help them get experience.

I can't believe they would leave people just hanging like that! So sad. Many in the US hold up the NHS as the gold standard of "how things should be", but as a very poor girl living in the US I was in therapy within a week or two, paid for by the State government. But you have to be very poor to qualify. Too bad there isn't a way of combining the best of both systems!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Celtic Girl

The elders in my local congregation (I am a Jehovah's Witness) are the most suportive, but as they emphasise and I know, they are not really qualified to deal with me in that regard and can only build me up spiritually and pray with and for me, which is a great help in itself, but not the same as a professional.

No, it's not the same as a professional, but important all the same! I'm glad you have them to help you Zoe. Honestly, over the years my good friends have helped me greatly, so don't underestimate the power of even "unprofessional" help. With this disorder it's important just to have people to be there for you, that can be amazingly healing, and that is what they are doing! My partner has nearly healed what is left of my traits just by not leaving, ever. I'll admit that I've even tested him by trying to push him away and he looked me straight in the eye and said that he wouldn't let me push him away, that he would always be there. That one little thing did more for me than years and years of therapy every could!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Celtic Girl

Thanks for the ti with the book, Dana. I'm currently reading "Staying Sane" by Dr. Raj Persaud which focusses on using our skills of adaptation to remain mentally healthy. This is heavy reading, but he makes many valid and interesting points.

I'll have to look into that one, as I'm more into 'heavy reading' myself. As it happens I'm working on adaptation skills in therapy right now, so it would be timely!

The book I recommended is very light reading, more an "intro to Borderline". I was thinking it could be a good book to give to your family and friends to read to help them understand what is going on in frank, plain language. The author does a good job of explaining each symptom, what feelings are behind it, and how to help. It's a nice, short book too... so it's easier to get them to actually read it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Celtic Girl

I hope you don't mind me posting rather than emailing, but I want this thread to remain open to all replies and the added info may inspire others to get in touch.

I not only don't mind, I agree 100%! I'm a very open person, many call me downright shameless, but I don't see where there should be any shame in talking about mental illness just as there is no shame in talking about, say, PCOS. As I said earlier, I guarantee there are more out there reading that have at least Borderline traits, but because of the stigma this diagnosis has developed thanks to some of the really bad cases (like the people I deal with, shew!) there is a lot of shame. This stigma is so bad, in the US at least, that my mental health professionals didn't want to put it in my chart. They were afraid if I ever needed to be hospitalized the nurses would see "Borderline" and treat me poorly. And sadly, that does happen.

But just like any disease, syndrome, or disorder there is a continuum and most don't fall anywhere near that level of illness. Most are like us... given a bad start in life and trying to make do the best we can in a world that feels very scary and overwhelming at times.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Celtic Girl

I hope that your bipolar is under control. I have seen what that can do to a person, and it's not nice.

You aren't kidding cyster! Luckily I only went full blown manic once in my life due to being put on prescription diet pills, but that was one of the scariest things I've ever experienced, and I hope to never experience it again! A friends father was the more severe Bipolar I where he would get manic every year or so and it completely ruined their finances and tore apart their family.

Lucky for me I have the milder Type II, which while that means I only go so high, I get depressed A LOT. I'd still rather be depressed, as horrible as that is, than full on manic and psychotic. I've been pretty stable for a few years now, with only an occasional blip here and there, and my shrink and I have been managing to keep the depression bearable the past few years. They've just tinkered with my mood stabilizer though, and I'll admit that makes me very nervous, but things seem to be going well. It's been helping the depression more than my old mood stabilizer, and it's supposed to help you lose weight (yay!), yet I've shown no signs of "going up", so we'll keep our fingers crossed! I'll be more worried come springtime, as that's when I tend to go hypo-manic and start staying out all night doing nutty things. But I have lots of people keeping their eyes on me!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Celtic Girl

So the same goes for you, Dana. If you need a friend my mail is zoe@worwood.net.

Thank you! That's very kind of you Zoe (((hugs)))

Hope you're having a great day!
Dana