I have so many issues, but they all make me feel down so I guess this is the right place to post this. I have a boyfriend. For 31 years of my life that I've lived so far I've never met anyone that treats me so decently. He's honest and caring. We were freinds before dating so I know he's really like this.
I've moved in with him. Now I am seeing all of our differences and I don't know at what point that really becomes a problem? I can't imagine not having him in my life. I get so sad when I think about him not being there. I love to sleep next to him at night. Part of the problem I think is that he's depressed. He just doesn't do things that need to be done. He has mentioned that he thinks he might do better on Prozac but at present he has no health insurance and can't afford meds. Here's an example of what he does. Last week he asked me to remind him to fill out a deferment form for his car loan becuase he got a payment behind. He's been saying he needs to fill this out for a while now. So I remind him. And remind him. And again. I put it on his chair. He comes home and watches TV and puts it in the kitchen. I remind him again before bed. He says he's now too tired to do it. I told him that I am not going to drive him to work if his car gets repo'd and YES they make you pay off the balance of the loan if it does. I just get so sick of being his mother I feel like. I refuse to bring this up again. As long as he pays the rent on time and we have a place to live, I don't care. He's like this with everything. Before I moved here (I came from another state) I asked him to deposit some money I sent him into my checking account I'd set up where I am now so that the draft I'd set up would be covered. He never did it and I had to rush to my back in my hometown and do a wire transfer which ended up costing me $28 after both banks charged me. This happens all the time. I've gotten upset and started crying about how messy the apartment gets. He HATES to see me cry. He tells me I need to tell him if I want something done and I told him flat out that I feel like what's the point because he won't do it anyway. He is also an artist. He has a day job and does art projects on the side. Well he'll gt a project and then take forever to do it and get all moody cuz the person who hired him (this guy is actually his friend) keeps bugging him about the project needing to be done. I could just go on and on about this. It drives me crazy. He just comes home and sits on his butt watching TV and goes to bed. I feel so sad when I think about leaving him. I just don't know what to do. It's not like I'm going to just up and leave now. He's got too many good qualities and I have so much trouble finding a man I "click" with I can't give that up. He's even mentioned that maybe if he was on meds he'd be more motivated. I don't know. I hope he can get insurance and try it out. I feel like I'm about to cry.
That doesn't sound like depression to me. It sounds like passive aggression. I read somewhere that when a person can get you angry they do it cause its a way to control you. He keeps doing nothing, you get angry, he knows now that every time you will get angry eventually, and it makes them feel power over you to do it. I can't say that that is it but maybe he is trying to have control over you. I agree you can't keep the mothering up. That will make it worse over time. But you also can't keep letting him not be responsible. Maybe you could have an honest talk with him and give the ultimatum. Maybe tell him if it keeps happening you will have to end the relationship. Then see how it goes. The only thing about that though is you have to follow thru on the threat and that can be very hard to do sometimes.
I just don't know if it's something that is worth ending a relationship over. I'm not sure what to do. I don't think he's conciously trying to control me. He was this way before he met me. He's basically one of those people who just can't keep his sh*t together. He's responsible in some ways, for instance he takes good care of his son when he has him on weekends so he's not a total loser, but he's just always living out in dreamland somewhere I guess. I don't know. Maybe this will be something I can accept and maybe not. It just makes me so sad that I've finally met this person I feel comfortable actually living with and being around, and we have so many differences. I also didn't mention the differences about our life goals in general. He has always wanted to have a house and kids and such. He luckily has one son already because I do not want children. I have told him this. He has told me it's no pressure and he loves his son and is happy with him, but I just wonder if maybe I should try to find someone more like me. Or maybe it doesn't matter and I should just appreciate that I have an HONEST and caring man. He has told me how happy he is that I am here with him. I know how miserable he was before when he was single because he used to complain about it constantly when we were just friends. I can't bear the thought of leaving him but he drives me crazy sometimes. but maybe anyone would drive me crazy in one way or another. Who knows? that is what I don't know. I've never been good at relationships. I've only had one other committed relationship in my life and he was a dufus, I just latched on to him in college because I wanted to have a boyfriend to take care of me.
Well, it sounds like that is just a part of him. So, you have to decide if it's better to live with him the way he is, or without him. But, don't even try to change him. You would just both be miserable. My relationship is much like that. So, I just handle things like bill paying, paperwork etc. DH handles things that he's better at than I am, like yardwork and vehicle stuff. It's a give and take deal. We've been together for almost 30 years and I won't even try and tell you that you won't be frustrated at times. It's just, in my case, I'd rather have him the way he is, knowing that's the way he is, than live life without him. It must be your decision.
Now, if you truly do think depression is the cause of his lack of motivation, there are things you can do. Has he always been this way or has it just recently happened. Does he sleep a lot or not sleep at all? Is he sad, there are many signs of depression. But, one thing I do know. The government has made deals with pharmaceutical company's. They let them charge outrageous prices and in return they have to help out people who can't afford medications because of lack of insurance. You need to check with your Dr. and you can call/e-mail the company's as well.
__________________ It's ok to cry if you're sad. Tears are God's little safety valve.
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We had a talk about things last night. Not specifically about him not doing things (I didn't want to make him feel any worse than he already did) but just about how he can't get motivated and he knows he's depressed and thinks he should be on meds. He thinks it has gotten worse and worse every year. I told him for one I think he needs a different day job (it's hard to get a job as an artist full time so he has a crappy manual labor job but it pays the bills) and then he feels awful because what else can he do that makes the same money? I keep trying to tell him not to let himself let people make him feel bad. He gets down because he feels like he's not a good artist (and he IS!) when people make these little comments. I really think something like Prozac will help him. The problem he runs into with the government paying type of thing is that he technically (according to guidelines and standards or whatever) makes enough to afford medical care. In fact he has insurance offered through his work but thought it was too expensive to pay for. (that is another battle becuase I told him I WISHED like anything that I had some way to get insurance that was anything less than $180/month and that is IF I can get covered which I still don't know.) It all comes down to I sent him some links that he can order meds online. I've taken Prozac before so I know how it works and how you're supposed to take it. If he goes to a psychiatrist they are going to want to sit and chat with him and all this b.s. possibly and he just wants to try the meds. I dunno, it's so many issues. I had awful dreams last night that I lost him in a casino and couldn't find him and never even did when I woke up. I don't think I'd want to lose him but I do not want to see him miserable. He was about to start crying last night when he was talking about how frustrating it is because the only time he can do his art is the weekends when his son is here and he feels like he is wasting his life away working this crappy day job. (which he is) It's like he's too depressed to go look for a better job and put a lot of effort into it...which is what he'll have to do becuase he doens't have skills to get a job making that kind of money and he'll have to find something or convince someone to hire him and he feels so down on himself he doens't feel worth it. He basically comes home from work every day and sleeps and watches TV.
Okay..so after reading all of that I have one thing to say. STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM!!! And I can say that because I was with someone for 4 years who fits your man to a 'T'. I'm talkin he was an artist too! He had the same "motivational" problems, the same problems with laziness, and he too said he "knew" he was depressed and should be on anti-depressants but he didn't have health insurance and well...he also hated to see me upset and really hated to see me cry. He always said, "I am trying to change, please wait for me." But how long can you wait?
I waited and WASTED four years of my life for this man, who never did change, he didn't grow, and we certainly didn't grow together...you know, that's what most people in healthy relationships do. How long have you been with this man? I too felt, and still haven't met anyone YET, whom I felt so comfortable and at ease with. I miss that, but it WAS NOT worth the stress and emotional turmoil he put me through. I worried about him so much, his well-being, and our future together. His favorite thing to do is sleep. Nothing else, his sleep comes first and is so important to him. I could not motivate him to do the most simple things. And I found myself so unhappy and depressed. I do not wish this upon you, and it seems like you're headed down Misery Lane on a one way track.
So, I know you don't want to leave him, but you have to do what's in your best interest. At least to me, it sounds like you CAN do so much better than him, regardless of how"sweet" and "nice" he is. My biggest problem was in the letting my man go, I became unhappy in that relationship after about a year and than things escalated to misery at a year and a half. But we still had our good times, and he loved me so much, and I was so comfy with him that I stayed for three more years, even though I was so unhappy. Like I said, after four years I realized I was on a dead end road and it was soo sooooo hard to let him go, but I had to do what was best for me.
I am not telling you to break up with your BF, but I think you should take some time, a lot of time, and evaluate what you want out of life and ask youself "can this man offer it to me? You deserve better than mediocre, you deserve the best and if he can't give you that then you are selling yourself short. (Wow, that sounds like something the dad from the Brady Bunch would say...haha, but still the truth).
Please remember you are beautiful and you deserve to be happy. Please feel free to e-mail me @sunstarmoon777@hotmail.com, if you want to talk. Keep your head up.
Megan xxxx
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well I haven't been with him, as a boyfriend, for very long. I've known him a little over a year but as a boyfriend only since about June, so what's that? 5 months? So I'm giving it some time to change. He is changing in little way...he's even told me he is because he knows if he doesn't do something, I will do it and then he'll feel bad. He took out the trash last night without even asked. Right now our life is in total turmoil because we are in a transitional apartment. I'll give it some time after we switch to our bigger place and get settled. He is always thanking me for being with him and telling me how happy I make him. He hates to see me upset. He's learning that I am impatient and I don't wait around for **** to happen. Yesterday I checked his oil (he almost burnt up his engine.) Maybe next time he'll be more on the ball.
And of course all the *****ing I do, I am omitting the good sides like how I haven't paid a penny of rent or any other bills since I moved here a month ago (I am an independent contractor and not doing too well yet) or how he takes good care of his son and doens't expect me to be his son's mother when he is around.
Last night he got motivated and did a lot of artwork he'd needed to get done and felt much better. I try to keep him positive because I know being an artist and then working a crappy day job to pay the rent sucks. I used to have a job I didn't like while I was in school and it would really get to me sometimes. I guess only time will tell.
Boyfriend is depressed??? 
