Breaking the news to possibly unhappy family

LivebyGrace · 11-06-2009, 09:34 AM

Personally I am thrilled to be pregnant and so is my DH. When we found out I had PCOS we were both so so sad because we knew the journey to have children would be more difficult than most. Now we are expecting our first child (I'm 5w5d), thanks to metformin. Such a blessing. Of all the things that could make me nervous and worried, the thing I worry about most is telling our families. We're waiting to tell all family until after the first trimester just in case something happens, which puts it right around Christmas and New Years.

We are fairly young (DH and I are 23). It'll be the first grandchild for my parents and the first great-grandchild for my grandparents. I know my grandparents will be thrilled. I know my dad will be shocked but he'll adjust. My mom has made no secret that she doesn't want grandchildren for several years yet. Also, my MIL has been quite vocal that we should wait on having children till DH is done grad school. So needless to say I'm a little on edge. Ultimately, if they get upset, I will not regret this in the least. DH and I know that this is right and we have a wonderful gift from God.

So I guess what I'm saying is does anybody have any ideas to break the news gently? We'll be telling my in-laws in person but I'm not sure I want to tell my parents in real time because if they react poorly I'm afraid I might say something I'll regret in a hormonal fit. Did your families have a bad reaction and how did they come around? I just need something to ease my nerves.
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Fleegle4 · 11-06-2009, 10:00 AM

Many people say stupid things, but 99 percent at the end of the day are thrilled to be grandparents. And I don't know if I'd say it gently, just non-confrontationally. "I'm pregnant, and we're happy!" You're 23, not 16 -- I know it's young by modern standards, but not that young.

Congratulations!

Anonykat · 11-06-2009, 11:08 AM

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My mom has made no secret that she doesn't want grandchildren for several years yet. Also, my MIL has been quite vocal that we should wait on having children till DH is done grad school.

Sorry, but this irritates the hell out of me. You're not some 14 year old dope - you're a married woman of respectable age, living on your own. These women should have absolutely NO say in this matter. Pregnancy can happen ANY time you have sex, even with birth control - who do they think they are to dictate your sex life?????

My mother was a complete and total bag of douche upon hearing news of BOTH my pregnancies, even though I was/am in my 30's, married, self-supporting, etc., for both of them! She was so awful about the first one that I couldn't even bring myself to tell her the second one - I told my dad and let him tell her. She called me later and was really snotty about it.

It's pathetic that we should have to feel nervous about sharing such wonderful news with people who SHOULD be emotionally supporting us. If I were you, this is what I would I do: find some cute and fun way, not a timid and nervous way, to share, whether it's giving them a gift from the baby, wearing a T-shirt announcing it, or whatever - be creative and have fun with it! Hopefully they'll be happy about it. If they're not, just say, with the smile still on your face, "Well, if you don't like it, you certainly never have to see this child. However, we are thrilled and are going to celebrate the news. It's your choice whether to be happy about it or to try and ruin it for us."

Unless they're going to suggest you abort this baby (which I would hope to God they wouldn't), obviously what's done is done, and them griping or whining about it now is worthless.

And congratulations!
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LivebyGrace · 11-06-2009, 11:08 AM

Thanks Fleegle and Anonykat!

Anyone else?

Jenlynn83 · 11-06-2009, 11:08 AM

Twice I have had to tell my mom that I was pregnant and KNEW she wouldn't be happy. With my first I was 17 and she literally didn't talk to me for a week and we lived together and no one was allowed to even mention me being pregnant until I was about 7 months when my best friend told her she was going to throw me a shower with or with out her! Now her and Kayla are bestfriends and I think she's my moms favoriter. With 2 and 3 she ok and with this pregnancy she hit the ROOF! It was not pretty and she pretty much had me bawling on the phone. To the point I doubted my happiness for being pregnant again. I didn't talk about it or anything then she ask when my doc appt was and called as soon as I got home to ask if baby was ok and now she is fine. I wouldn't say she is overly excited, but she is OK with it.

When I told her this time I just said "Mom, I understand that you may not be happy and I respect that but I need you to know because I can't keep thing from you, I am pregnant."

Just know that you can do it, and 99% of the time families do come around, just takes them a bit. Good luck! I pray your family surprises you and is super excited!

Asherlexie · 11-06-2009, 11:27 AM

I agree with anonykat!

Sweetie, DON'T let the stress of that hurt you or the baby. First trimesters are so tough, so don't let them add to it. I purposly didn't tell my MIL since my husband and I only been married a year ( and only knew each other for 1.5). When she found out I was going through fertility treatments.. she blew me off and then would talk about woman she knew that were prgnant. Really..that hurt. So when we got our bfp I insisted to not tell her til' out of my first trimester he agreed. So, he slipped up and told his brother sine he was so excited... she was so MEAN to me about it that we are no longer talking. My husband asked for my mother if she would go in half on a travel system and play yard she said no and gave 38 million different excuses as to why she just couldn't afford it. Believe me, my husband now sees what a bia...tch she is. That lady has had me curled up in bed bawling and cramping because of how she treats me. She sent a text to my husband a few weeks ago and said " She's out of her first trimester so she could use some stress we need to fix this before the baby" My husbands reply "We've asked you not text or bring this up til' after the baby. I picked her and I love her. She will be the mother of my child and you just need to accept that". Family cause more stress than is necessary.

kiagirl · 11-06-2009, 11:40 AM

Wow I feel so bad for you ladies. My DH and I are extremely lucky as both sides of our families are extremely happy.
But if I were in your position I would practice. I would start my telling them how happy we are and how much we are looking forward to this. Then before they could react I would also inform then of what a blessing this is with having PCOS and that the longer you wait the more difficult it could be. Then I would "dance" from the room and let them think. LOL

Congrats!!! Everyone here is thrilled for you.

Kendra

coobeastie.com · 11-06-2009, 12:26 PM

I was really nervous to tell my mom that I was pregnant with DS (I was 21 and in college), but in the end it was nothing to really worry about. She was just excited for me. Maybe it won't be as hard for you as you think. At first they'll probably be shocked, but I think they'll come around.

geek1976 · 11-06-2009, 12:43 PM

Do they know about your PCOS diagnosis?

If not, start off by explaining it.

Let them know that with you having PCOS makes it harder to conceive. You are in a part of your lifes right now where you want children and are able to care and provide for them. You had to choose between giving them grandchildren early or possibly not ever giving them grandchildren AT ALL and you didnt want that.

Honestly, that is probably an exageration and worse case scenario, but it could be true.

LGriggs · 11-06-2009, 01:14 PM

My parents were furious when they found out about their first grandchild. My brother(22 at the time)lived with my parents and his girlfriend (16 at the time) was in high school so they did not think it was the best thing at the time and did try to talk them into having an abortion but eventually they came around and everyonce in a while when my mom makes me mad I remeind her that she tried to have Allie aborted (I know it's mean but I'm my mother's daughter).

Then when my brother told them about their second pg they were upset too. But only b/c my bro and his gf were breaking up when they found out and my parents were paying half of their bills and then they still came around.

Then when my other brother and his gf got pg after only dating for like 3 months they were once again shocked bc they were paying half of his bills too.

But in the end they love them and support(literally lol) them and wouldn't trade their grandchildren for the world. ...My parents were excited about my pg but I am married and supporting myself so what else could they be?

emmylou1981 · 11-06-2009, 01:30 PM

My goodness! I cannot understand how people can be so mean to 1: their daughters 2: to the woman who will bear their sons child....
I dont understand how they think they have any say in someone elses reproductive rights. God forbid they actually oh I dont know support the couple! It may not be the best situation but lets face it, no amount of pouting or giving the cold shoulder is gonna make em un-pregnant! I honestly think that they would change their minds if they realized the number of women out there especially on this forum that spend 10+ years trying to have a child of their own to no avail! I honestly had no idea the stress that some women and men go thru with endless fertility testing and charting and medications just so that they too can know what is is like to have a child of their own.
I honestly think they would change their minds if they knew exactly how miraculous it truely is to have PCOS and concieve.
My first pregnany was totally a surprise. DH and I were engaged to be married in June and in May found out we were expecting. DH got fired from his job on a Friday and Saturday , I got my BFP. I was not really that worried about telling my family since I am very much like my mom in the fact that I have a " This is the way it is and Im sorry if you dont like it" kind of attitude when it comes to choices I make. I am very independant that way.
My mom was surprised since she had known that many drs had told me if I wanted to have children, I would have to be placed on medications. I think my sister was most "disappointed " in me since she knew that I had wanted to work overseas with aiding the poorest of the poor with medical help...I was a surgical tech....So she basically said " well you can kiss that dream away..way to go" To which I responded " well I may not be able to change the world the way I hoped to but I will still impact the world with this child" Shes a single mother to one boy and has had no help whatsoever from the father. Her son has never met him. So shes somewhat bitter about the whole thing since DH stuck around and married me even though we were already planning on it and have been happy ever since.

I say, tell em with your heads held high and if they have anything to say about it , just say " I understand how you feel but this is our marriage and our life and we are thrilled. You are more then welcome to share in our happiness but if you have any negative comments to say, please keep them to yourself" and stand strong ...If they have still have anything bad to say you can say something like " *sigh* I know ...too bad you dont have a say in what we do...Must be really irritating...Oh well"

Anonykat · 11-06-2009, 01:37 PM

Quote:

Let them know that with you having PCOS makes it harder to conceive. You are in a part of your lifes right now where you want children and are able to care and provide for them. You had to choose between giving them grandchildren early or possibly not ever giving them grandchildren AT ALL and you didnt want that.

This is certainly a decent and gracious way to handle it, and perhaps would make them understand a little better. However, in my opinion, you don't even owe them this much - you don't owe them ANY kind of explanation or justification, why you, a married women living on your own, should be able to choose to have a child!

Asherlexie, we should trade mother/MIL from hell stories sometime. My MIL is a gigantic PITA, a gossip, extremely rude and self-centered, and tons of other things I could go into, but she's always been nothing but excited at our pregnancy announcements, at least. My mother, on the other hand... I've come to the conclusion that she is only happy if I'm miserable and that she sees my happiness as a threat to her. My first pregnancy, she immediately and repeatedly began to predict I would miscarry, and as sick as it is to say, I think she was hoping I would! My head would pop off if I spent too long thinking about how awful and hostile she was when I've announced each pregnancy. I do have to say she has been good to my kids so far though, so maybe your MIL will be too.

If my daughter comes home one day at 15 and announces she's having a baby... I won't lie, "happy" will not be the word to describe me initially, though I of course would come around and would definitely love that child. But a grown married son or daughter, living on their own, starting their life with their spouse?? I am just flabbergasted that so many mothers are critical and mean about it, rather than being joyful and excited. And here I thought my mother was the only insane one.

Quote:

If they have still have anything bad to say you can say something like " *sigh* I know ...too bad you dont have a say in what we do...Must be really irritating...Oh well"

LOVE IT!

LivebyGrace · 11-06-2009, 01:41 PM

Thanks for the encouragement ladies.

My parents and in-laws are overall great people and I love them dearly. My mom just doesn't understand my domestic nature (she's a full-on career woman) and part of me thinks that she doesn't want me to make the same mistake as she did (although she got pregnant when she was 20, unmarried, and unsettled so it's totally different). Mom seems to try to live vicariously through me because she wasn't able to do all the the things she thought she would because she got pregnant. The only thing I've ever wanted is to be a wife and a mother. Oh, and she probably thinks that she's too young to be Grandma at the right bold age of 45. My MIL worries excessively about everything. She thought DH and I would drop out of college because wwe got married during college. She probably thinks that if we have a baby during his grad school, he'll drop out of that. *sigh* I just wish they would remember we are responsible adults, not the the little children they raised.

Both my parents and my MIL know about my PCOS. I didn't give them the whole medical run down but I told them that part of it is that it would make having children more difficult for us. My dad was upset when I told him. My mom was very matter of fact about it (she just kind of processed the info and moved on from it). My MIL said something along the lines of it'll probably be better if you wait anyway. My MIL is a wonderful person and I love her. She just worries and doesn't have a very good filter sometimes. None of my family knows that we were TTC, except my SIL who has been my main support through it all. If any of them throw a hissy fit, I plan on pointing out to them that they should feel lucky and blessed that we are even able to give them a grandchild. But knowing what I will say doesn't take away the dread of possibly having to say it.

I just want everyone to be as happy for us as we are.
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charisse** · 11-06-2009, 01:56 PM

LOL.. Too funny I really thought I was the only person with this prob.
Great posts ladies and great ideas for when I do get to announce it.. (one day)
DS I admit it was not the ideal situation but I was 22 and had lived on lmy own and supported my self since I was 17 so when I told my mom I was prego she called me a whore and said get out of her house..( I was visiting with brother and sister) She did come around about 5 months later but I still was very angry. She now is hip and hip with DS which I enjoy but I still hold some resentment. She has made it very clear she doesnt think its " a good time" for another one. She only says this b/c DF and I are not married until next year. She knows about my PCOS and prior m/c's but has said well maybe you just arent meant to have anymore. RUDE ! My future MIL on the other hand has been praying for me to have more for about 3 years now..LOL My sister and I joke about when I get my BFP how are you going to tell her and just waiting till the wedding to tell her... Its sad how I can be in a very committed 5 year relationship, 30years old, we own our home, great jobs, but yet b/c we are not "married" yet it would be horrible in her eyes.. Some people !!!

Carolinagirl_22 · 11-06-2009, 04:45 PM

I'm 28 self-supporting, on my own since 2002 and I was super excited to tell my parents(divorced) but even though they aren't happy with my choice in partner they are crazy excited about me having my first child. Though the first thing out of both of their mouths was so When are you getting married? lol I was like when I find the right person. I am not marrying someone just because I'm pregnant. I reallly want to marry for love and with someone who loves me just as deeply.

There are actually a couple of family members I didn't tell just because I knew they wouldn't be happy for me. My oldest brother and my favorite(guy) cousin are furious but I know its just because they want the best for me and to have my "perfect" family. But hey what can you do I just don't care what ANYONE thinks because I am ecstatic over my baby!