A broken heart bleeds!

T&Dplus4 · 09-05-2008, 12:52 PM

I just had to vent a little...just random thoughts from my heart!

I imagined our baby in our arms come early spring. My oldest son almost 17 and so close to leaving the nest (sad), my middle son...11 and so happy to be a BIG brother again!! My youngest son...sharing his b-day with the new baby....this baby was due on St. Patty's Day just like my 2yr old! I imagined it all and how happy and "complete" we now were as a family! I always wanted 4 children and now life has come full circle!
I woke up Sept 2nd and all my happy thoughts of our "complete" family circle..... were gone! I had a miscarriage and I didn't just lose my baby.....I lost a piece of my spirit! I have trouble sleeping. I have a migrain that won't go away and today it been 1 whole week since I got the migrain. I can't focus. I can't complete a task or a thought!

I have trouble seeing pregnant women without feeling cheated of the same happiness. I become really sad when I look over into the infant section at the shopping stores. I struggle to continue normal everyday relationships with friends! I don't want to fall apart....but I feel like I already have!! My dh wants to try again in a few months....but the thought scares the heck outta me!! What if this happens again!? How will I cope? I can't do this again!! I lost my mom, my baby and grandpop all in 3 months time! I can't do this again!!!! I want to bring another baby to our lives after we heal physically and emotionally...but how scarey to think of such a task!! I don't have all the time in the world considering I am in my late 30's.
I am blessed to have 3 children naturally with PCOS...I know that! I am blessed that my children are healthy! I am blessed to have such a wonderful husband of 19yrs. I DO count my blessings and they are many....however, I have a broken heart...and a broken heart does bleed!! I am SOOOOOOO tired of people around me acting like I should be thankful for what I have and just "get over the rest!" I hurt just as they hurt.... I cry just as they cry...... I need time....just as they would need time!
Since when did the world declare me "superwomen" and therefore, I must get up and dust myself off and move on!!????!!

Ok...sorry....I had to get that all off my chest!! I feel better now! LOL
Just going through alot lately and needed to vent!

justagirlgirlgirl · 09-05-2008, 12:57 PM

Hugs.

Obviously you are thankful for the three children that you have...but you are also grieving for the fourth child that you have just lost way too early. As a mother there is no way you will ever "get over it" and you will remember your little one for the rest of your life.

Take time and let yourself mourn as you need to, as you deserve to. Try to separate yourself from the people that make innocent comments that hurt so much. Remember your loved baby and grieve for the loss that you've experienced.

If you find that time doesn't help ease the pain, and that it continues to be difficult, see about finding a local support group or someone you can talk to about your feelings.

But no matter what, you will always hold that life of your small child deep in your heart.

AnotherDreamer · 09-05-2008, 04:21 PM

I agree with justagirl. You have every right to grieve, and if you're not ready to try again in a few months then don't. Talk it over with your DH, take time. And if it is still hard, or even now, there's no harm in seeking help. Talk to a counselor, a support group, whatever you need to do for you. And it's hard to lose that many people in that short a period of time, you really need to just take time to grieve. I lost my first pregnancy in the beginning of May, then lost my grandmother to cancer at the end of May. It was a hard blow for one month, I was ranting and raving with grief by the end of the month. Time had made it better, but I still cry at least once a week for my baby. You will always miss that one, and it's scary to try again, and there are so many emotions involved. Make sure to take time to grieve and wait until you are emotionally ready. And I really do think talking to someone, write out your emotions, find a group... something, would really help.

(*HUGS*)

T&Dplus4 · 09-05-2008, 04:33 PM

Thank you ladies! I know I have a right to grieve and I certainly am doing alot of that!! I definitly plan to have another try for our 4th.....I will just wait til I "feel" ready for that part! I had a D&C so I know I have to wait a few months anyway. We didn't plan for this pregnancy....it just happened...as did all of our pregnancies. However, it was a welcomed joy in light of having lost my mother in July. I felt this baby was what was gonna get me through and give me strength. Never thought it would end like this!
Anyway....thank you for the kind words and encouragment!!

TheBigBite · 09-06-2008, 06:08 PM

Tina, I am so sorry for your loss, and the terrible migraines you are experiencing. I have not lost a baby of my own but I stayed with my sister when she lost her angel baby at 17 weeks. She also has 2 other children and people would tell her to be happy and grateful for the children she has etc etc. It really hurt her. I believe the following;

A mother never 'gets over' the loss of their child, but they get used to the fact that it happened.

Grief cannot be drycleaned, it must be washed with tears. (Greiving and crying is important, dont try to hold it in)

The worst part of grief lasts a full 12 months, to pass each important date, and the first anniversary of the passing. (Noone should expect you to feel better after just a few months)

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, and hope my angel nephew is playing with your angel baby xx

T&Dplus4 · 09-06-2008, 06:57 PM

Claire.... I believe that is your name. Thank you for your reply...it was very heart felt and bless you for taking the time to make me feel better!
I have 3 other children whom need me to "hold it together" and so the grieving is tough! I will be ok and my family will get through....and thank you to everyone whom takes the time to lift the spirits of others! God bless you for it~ Thanks to all..........*Tina*

kwannabee · 09-07-2008, 01:20 PM

Tina, i just wanted to say that your posts made me cry. I so remember the weeks after losing my baby girls when the sun shining (early early spring) made me cringe, the thought of summer usually had me excited but thinking how my babies would never share the joys i did when winter faded was just too much. I slammed the door and hid in my pj's for weeks, cried at every diaper commercial and ranted to my cysters about how hard it was to go on. Sometimes it just takes all the energy you have in the morning to get out of bed, and like you i had an older child who needed me to make him a peanut butter sandwich, but would sit beside me while i cried on the couch. But I know there is a gramma in heaven holding your baby in her arms, and i know that just like my girls did for me, your angel will send you another baby soul when the time is right.

Hang in there, and always remember that you have a baby that calls you mommy even if you cant hear it. Lots of hugs

T&Dplus4 · 09-07-2008, 04:02 PM

Kim.....Thank you so much for touching my heart today! I cried my eyes out after reading your post. I cried for my baby and for the fact that people like you continue to reach out to others and lend a virtual (hug) for those whom you may not know...but can empathize to or even relate! Sometimes it seems like the only "human beings" left are the ones you never met!!
Thank you again!! ((hugs)) to you and your babies too!!

juststartn · 09-07-2008, 04:35 PM

I read this today...please bear in mind, I'm Catholic, so it comes from that perspective...I've been finding that it echoes my thoughts, since we knew our wee one was gone...

A Miscarriage Prayer by Mother M. Angelica

My Lord, the baby is dead!

Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.

You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.