Broken hearted

s~tyro · 06-16-2009, 05:19 PM

I'm losing hope. I'm just not sure it's meant to be. We've went through rounds/cycles of infertility so many times I've lost count over the last nine years or so. We've had many miscarriages that occurred early. A couple of years ago we decided to just let it go because we were both emotionally exhausted. That same month we had a BFP. We were shocked to say the least. This pregnancy made it the farthest, but on Christmas Eve I didn't feel any movement or anything, so we went to the doctor that morning. Our beloved baby had died. I was so distraught I didn't want an autopsy, etc. I went into shock, denial, anger, etc. I just thought it wouldn't happen to me...I'd wanted it for so long and then finally had it, but then in an instant it was all gone. I came home from the hospital, only to look at a bassinet, clothes, and toys that would never get used. It's been a year and a half now and still no babies. Maybe I should close this chapter in my life because I don't know how much more my heart can take. I feel like I haven't been living my life because I've been so focused on babies. I just need to accept the fact that I may never get to be a mom. It's finding that acceptance that's the problem/hard part!

bravencheese · 06-16-2009, 05:25 PM

Broken-hearted,

I am sad that your heart is hurting. Prayers and hugs. ~Sara

dstaiger · 06-16-2009, 09:17 PM

i'm so sorry you're having such a tough time. i often wonder how long i can do this, how many losses my heart can take. i've considered surrogacy and adoption but i'm just not ready to throw the towel in just yet.
i'm sorry for your losses and i understand the urge to quit doing something that hurts so much.
dianna

SheriKCMO · 06-17-2009, 01:09 AM

I'm very very sorry about all of your losses and heartaches! The women in this forum understand what you are feeling, believe me. Even though there are many of us with other children we got to keep, the pain is never gone, and the memories sting. Have you all been tested for repeat losses? Some moms have clotting problems or other details that can be helped. If you are able to look at adoption, I would encourage you to meet with families who have succeeded with it and try that idea while you are still thinking about bio kids at the same time (or if you do decide to "throw in the towel"). Do you have access to a local support group? Mine did help me cope and feel like less of a crazy person. I totally understand that your life is on hold while you're so focused on starting a family and it just isn't happening. ((((Hugs))))

s~tyro · 06-17-2009, 11:00 AM

Thank you for the advice/support. It helps me remember that I'm not alone. Even though we're forever linked in a way we wish we weren't.

Our early losses were thought to be from low progesterone. Our Christmas Angel was probably a heart defect (based on the final ultrasound). We didn't have an autopsy performed because we were so out of our minds. Part of me wishes we knew the exact details behind the death, but the other part of me doesn't know if it would really help me.

I was coping much better than this the last couple of months. I even laughed...I mean truly laughed about a month ago. I was caught by surprise because it made me realize I hadn't done that in about a year and a half. It felt good and I thought to myself this is definitely a step in the right direction. I'm beginning to blame my change in mood on Yaz. My doctor put me on it a month ago because my ovary had developed a 7 cm cyst. (When I'm not on BCPs, my ovaries develop LARGE cysts). I think this pill is making me depressed. I thought Yaz was supposed to treat PMDD? Maybe it doesn't work for me.

We haven't completey shut the door on adoption, but (not to sound selfish) it's hard not feel like if we're meant to be parents we would be able to have our own. UUUGGGHHH!

SheriKCMO · 06-18-2009, 01:08 AM

If there is a pill you've taken in the past to reduce/prevent cysts, and it didn't make you moody, I'd definitely recommend switching back. I think Yaz/Yasmin works for some cysters but not all of us. I think it contributes to my appetite and reduces my libido, so I'm planning to switch soon. Good luck with that decision.

And do you have a name for your Christmas angel? How many weeks along were you? I know how hard it is to know how to make decisions when you're blindsided with early birth. Hopefully you're not one of us with incompetent cervix.

Thank you for sharing! [I think it's so good to get this stuff off our chests!]

tcrock02 · 06-18-2009, 01:28 AM

I am sorry you are having such a struggle. i know all to well the pain of ttc and m/c. I am sending u tons of hugs. my 1st dh and i tried for 8 years to conceive the burning in my heart became so intense that we decided n adoption. We adopted 4 wonderful children who gave my life meaning. after 8 years i finally did concieve and give birth to my dh. he is 13 now. i am remarried and have been ttc for 6 years with 3 m/c's. It is devastating everytime and i too struggled with severe depression. but somehow i am still holding onto my dream of that little baby to hold tight. But as you ponder where you want to take your ttc journey, consider adoption. I can tell you firsthand it is one of the greatest things i have ever done....So many children are stuck in the system who just want to be loved and cherished!!!! Let me know if i can be of any help....
We haven't completey shut the door on adoption, but (not to sound selfish) it's hard not feel like if we're meant to be parents we would be able to have our own. UUUGGGHHH![/quote]

s~tyro · 06-18-2009, 01:14 PM

I know deep in my heart I would feel the same about an adopted child as I would my own biological child. We need to figure out what's going to work best for us. I'm pretty sure I can cope with never having my own child (though it will still hurt), but I don't know if I can deal with never being a MOM. We need to figure things out. I've had the adoption paperwork sitting on the counter for a couple of months now. I just get overwhelmed when I look at everything. The agency we've been dealing with said that their adoptions are all open to some degree. My husband and I don't want an open adoption because we don't want to confuse the child or feel like we're simply raising someone else's child. Don't get me wrong, I do understand that they would be giving us the greatest gift in the world. I'm also surprised at the cost involved with it. We have a lot of decisions to make.

SheriKCMO: We named him Angel Christian. It seemed appropriate because it was Christmas time and we kept referring to the baby as, "Our little Angel". I was in my second trimester. My cervix didn't seem to be the problem. It was still completely closed. They had to induce labor. I was traumatized. I've never been one to let something take hold of me, but I'm paranoid of hospitals now. I mean TERRIFIED. I want to cry and hyperventilate when I walk in the door because I feel like nothing good ever happens to me when I'm there.

Thanks, Cysters.

SheriKCMO · 06-22-2009, 07:41 PM

(((Hugs))) You are still hurting so much from your loss, it might not be time to sit down with paperwork and make real decisions. I hope you start having some better days soon.

s~tyro · 06-22-2009, 08:39 PM

I just didn't think it would take me so long to move forward. I get frustrated with myself. I welcome the day I can look back on my life and smile when I picture that beautiful baby. I'm not there yet, but my husband tells me I will be someday. I think I've had an epiphany after venting about this. I need to end the chapter that's been written for our baby and start a new one so I can fill the blank pages of my life with new, happy moments. Maybe that will include children and maybe it won't...I need to stop trying to bring back my little baby that's no longer here with me. This all made me realize I've been living in the past.

dstaiger · 06-22-2009, 09:24 PM

i agree. the past is the place we visit when we need some comfort, but the future is where we must live if we stand any chance of being happy again.

s~tyro · 06-23-2009, 09:21 AM

I don't want to "replace" our child that was lost, but I did hope that I would become pregnant soon afterwards. It's been a year and a half with no results. Not to mention, it took us almost seven years to have a pregnancy make it this far. I think that's another reason I get so darn frustrated.

I'm not sure what I was supposed to learn from this experience. My family keeps telling me that God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. Well, God gives me too much credit. However, I do take comfort in the fact that our babies are smiling down from heaven.

My family members have never been through this (infertility and loss), so it's difficult for them to understand where I'm coming from. I need to thank all of you for your love and support.