Call me a confused bundle of emotions

meggowiggle · 05-14-2009, 08:37 PM

I got my first ever BFP last Wednesday morning, May 6, followed up with a second BFP that same afternoon. However, the baby did not last long enough to be confirmed by a blood test. So we went from blissfully excited to crushed in sixty hours.

We told our closest people from the get-go so they could support us through whatever the pregnancy would bring. When we got the news that my HCG serum came back negative, we called them to let them know. Only later, after research, recalling all of my symptoms and the time frame in which they appeared, and an early, heavy, clotty period, did we realize that I truly was pregnant, but lost the baby. A chemical pregnancy. We just thought we had a couple fluke pg tests.

I feel so many things right now, for one---- hope--- because we know we can get pregnant.

The other side of my heart is sad for the loss. Sad remembering how my body felt pregnant (so wonderful!!). Sad thinking about the potential the baby had. Sad thinking about the fact that it was probably over before we even saw the stick turning colors. Sad remembering the course of events those three days--- the ups, downs. I had journal I was keeping exclusively for the pregnancy. I have a test in my dresser drawer that has two lines. I have the cute video on my desktop that we used to tell my mom. I have reminders everywhere, especially when I have to change my pad.

And I'm angry. It took a while for the anger to sink in, but when it did it took me by surprise. I'm not angry at God, or at my challenged body. I'm not even angry at my stupid clinic who made seeking medical attention immensely more stressful than it had to be.

I'm angry with my support system, that handful of people we entrusted with our confidence.

They are simply not acknowledging the pain, or more accurately the reason for the pain. I've heard "I know you're sad, but don't worry, it will happen for you some day" many times now. And when they say that, they say it in a way that says "case closed. Let's move on" First, me getting pregnant again is the last thing on my mind and the least of my worries. Second, my family says this implying that it didn't happen. They are referring to the situation as my Disappointment... as if it is a hush-hush thing. I know they don't want to upset me, but c'mon, TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS!! I NEED TO!!! .... and, hello people, I'm not disappointed because I thought I was pregnant and I wasn't--- I'm disappointed and GRIEVING because I WAS pregnant and I lost my little one!!! I lost my baby!!!!! I had a living human being inside me that depended on me to exist, and then it died. My body disposed of it crudely, painfully. My little one is in the sewer system. My heart is so changed, and it will never ever be the same. Them giving a nice sounding line and moving quickly to another topic hurts so bad....

I thought I've been extraordinarily "fine" this last week, but I can't really say that today. I saw my aunt today, and I was hoping for a few comforting words, maybe some permission to cry on her shoulder, I dunno. She started telling me that she talked with a friend of hers (also with PCOS) about how I'm "not pregnant"... but I didn't listen beyond that phrase. She has not even acknowledged this was a real pregnancy, with a real baby--- to her I'm simply "not pregnant and disappointed". I could have screamed. I wanted to shout BUT I WAS PREGNANT!!!!!! but didn't. She wouldn't understand. She's never had a miscarriage; both pregnancies were uneventful.

All I could think about was that she is pro-life, but won't even acknowledge my baby's very short life that was taken not by a man, but by God. As random and off-putting as that it sounds, it's what was running through my head.

I just don't know what to think or feel. As angry as I am that this whole situation has gotten the shaft from my family, I understand them... and I suppose I can't really blame them. What do you say to a woman who has just lost her baby?? I feel like I just need to let it all out, but I don't feel like they want to listen or are able give me what I need. Even trying to breech the subject with my mother is proving difficult--- and she is the most sensitive, comforting person in the world. Maybe it is me, not them. Maybe things are just so raw right now. I don't know, but I feel like I'm bursting on the inside.

AnotherDreamer · 05-15-2009, 12:40 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss. Most people just don't know what to say, or they just can't understand. I can't stand the asinine comments that I got the first time, and even this last time... but you have to either remind them, educate them, or let it go. It's frustrating, and it's unfortunate.

I know that there's nothing I can say to make it any easier, and I won't try to tell you that time heals all wounds., because it doesn't... But eventually, some day, it will hurt less.

I'm sorry for your loss.

tcrock02 · 05-15-2009, 03:20 PM

Thinking of you today and sending you tons of hugs. this is so painful but never let anyone make u feel that you are not validated in your grief. kick, scream, cry, eat icecream...whatever gets u thru this time... i am so sorry for your pain. just know we all are here for you. this is a greatplace to vent and be cared for....

Jenny Z · 05-19-2009, 12:00 PM

*hugs* I just found your thread! Dunno how I missed this one

I haven't been through all that, but I totally understand how you feel. When I even mentioned the possibility of miscarriage to my dad, he said "Well, if it does happen, you can always try again"... why do people think that'll make us feel better??? I guess, in their own mind, it's a comforting phrase. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes it's hard.

You and DH know what's going on, and that's all that matters. Do all the healing you need to, and try to shrug the others off.