Can I ask you ladies a question?

plsbme · 08-21-2007, 02:01 PM

I have a co-worker who had a miscarriage yesterday. She was about 9 weeks along. We are not particularly close, and actually she is not really that open with anyone else in the office. She is due back at work on Thursday.
Someone asked if we should send her flowers.

We don't know if that is appropriate. I'm looking for some input from those of you that have been through this.

Any other input you have would be appreciated (anything in particular we should/shouldn't say or do).

Thank you so much for your help.

Isaiahsmommy · 08-21-2007, 03:04 PM

I think sending flowers is a good idea. It will let her know that there are those who care without being intrusive. When she returns I would just treat her normally. If she is a private person it would be best not to talk about it unless she brings it up. I know that when I went back to work after a miscarriage people acted so strange and were "walking on eggshells" around me. It really annoyed me. Anyway, HTH!

plsbme · 08-21-2007, 03:09 PM

Holly, That does help! Thank you very much!

*~SugarPlums~* · 08-21-2007, 03:18 PM

This is a sticky situation and each person deals with loss differently. I will tell you how I felt after most of my losses (I have had 5, 4 early and 1 2nd tri loss where I delivered twins at 18 weeks). I personally didn't want anything from my co-workers, most of whom were pregnant and did careless things throughout their pg's, I couldn't stand to look at them and it was already a horrible reminder of what I kept losing. They were not 'friends' ,they were associates that I only knew through work, their words meant nothing to me. That may have been due to the depression I had , but I didn't want anything from them. People often don't know what to say in a situation like this and most times they make things worse.

My close friends and family were supportive, but even they said stupid things.

I think you need to see how she is reacting and handling things, maybe just a plant that says glad your back or just something simple.

I personally didn't want a thing. But like I said that was my experience and how I dealt with the hurt I was feeling. Others may welcome that it, others will not.

plsbme · 08-21-2007, 03:26 PM

Sandra, Thank you very much for your response. I appreciate the other point of view.

myrosepetal · 08-21-2007, 08:14 PM

I work for a very small company -5 employess- With my first loss they sent flowers to my house while I was off of work. When I returned it was hard because they had alot of questions on how I was doing etc. The second time I lost I was out for a few days and when I returned they had a small bouquit of roses on my desk. It was very nice. Luckily my husband worked there too the second time around and before I returned he warned everyone on what to say and what not to say. Returning to work went alot smoother then.
On a personal note though, the hardest thing for returning to work was feeling like a failure. The first time I didn't feel this way. But there I was agian 7 months later going through the same thing and the same employees were there to see it again. It made me feel like I lost again and I looked like a failure in front of theses people again.

Fleegle4 · 08-21-2007, 08:57 PM

If the pregnancy had been announced, then I think it would be nice to send some flowers and a card (along the lines of "thinking of you"). When she gets back, tell her once "if there's anything I can do or if you want to talk, let me know", and then let it drop. Too many attempts by people, however well-meaning -- to be helpful can be overwhelming. I was very, very grateful when I had mine that almost no one knew that I had been pregnant, and certainly no one at work. I only had to un-tell four people. I haven't even told them this time, and I'm much further along now.

For me, I was just able to keep myself together, I didn't feel like I wanted the responsibility of making anyone else feel comfortable about what had happened. When I made the decision which few people I should tell early on, I picked people who I knew in the past were the kinds that when you're going through something bad, will come, sit with you and do whatever and NOT necessarily talk about the issue at hand. The weirdest thing was that about two days after I got back from my D&C, someone in the office announced his wife was pregnant, and her due date was within a couple of days of mine. I didn't get upset, I just had the overwhelming urge to go to him and shake him and say "what are you doing? It's too soon! What if something happens and you have to go through what I'm going through in public!' The closest thing I did was tell my boss that the procedure I had messed with my hormones, and expect me to be a bit cranky and short tempered in the next few weeks. It was actually kind of funny, because two weeks later he looked at me carefully and said "are you all right now?"

She'll know what she needs, so give her the space to react whichever way she wants to. There's no great answer here.

kwannabee · 08-24-2007, 03:22 PM

I think you should acknowledge it but be very lowkey, private, and then give her the chance to move on. one of you could maybe quietly say that you ALL are thinking of her, and that you just want her to know that if she needs to share anything you're there and you all understand. That way you acknowledge her baby without making her feel trapped, like she has to hold it together in front of you, and you leave the ball in her court to decide if she wants to share details or not.
for me i remember two weeks after going back to work i had to take a first aid/cpr course - doing mouth to mouth on those little dummy babies and listening to the instructor talk about the last moments of death had me sitting there like a deer caught in headlights til i went running into the staff room in hysterics - the flashbacks of my girls faint heartbeats making me insane - i had one co worker who was watching me the entire time and she came in and sort of spoke for everyone - calmed me down - but i wasnt overwhelmed with having to face everybody at the same time - it was just a good balance.
its very hard

but knowing you care will help her out alot i think. just follow her cues - she'll let you know in her own way.

i dont know if this makes any sense

but i do think her baby deserves to be acknowledged - she is still a mommy-she still loves and misses her baby and to ignore him/her completely (i think anyway) makes it harder.

LadyNaomi · 08-24-2007, 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by myrosepetal

I work for a very small company -5 employess- With my first loss they sent flowers to my house while I was off of work. When I returned it was hard because they had alot of questions on how I was doing etc. The second time I lost I was out for a few days and when I returned they had a small bouquit of roses on my desk. It was very nice. Luckily my husband worked there too the second time around and before I returned he warned everyone on what to say and what not to say. Returning to work went alot smoother then.
On a personal note though, the hardest thing for returning to work was feeling like a failure. The first time I didn't feel this way. But there I was agian 7 months later going through the same thing and the same employees were there to see it again. It made me feel like I lost again and I looked like a failure in front of theses people again.

off the subject, but when I read myrosepetals post, my heart was broken for you! I want to say to you and the other ladies that when something like this happens, it's not because of something you did (unless you're drinking and a drugging!)-so please try not to feel like you're a failure. When I was TTC and couldn't for the longest time, I didn't feel like a failure, b/c it wasn't something I could control. I felt really sad and ripped off though.

SheriKCMO · 08-24-2007, 07:59 PM

I agree with keeping it low key. A card would mean a lot, in my opinion, not embarrassing, etc. Flowers beg the question from anyone who didn't know the details. If everyone wanted to pitch in and do something, you could donate in her honor to something positive, like a children's hospital or something.
Thanks for asking!

MiWolverineMommie · 08-24-2007, 09:48 PM

I think a card and/or flowers would be very nice. Just realize she may not talk about the m/c very much.

justagirlgirlgirl · 08-26-2007, 02:49 AM

I also agree with a simple note or card and maybe a small plant or bouquet of flowers. Like others have mentioned, just saying, "You're in our thoughts - please let us know if you need anything" and then letting her have her privacy seem very appropriate to me. Acknowledge her loss and her right to grieve, but don't intrude on her privacy after a very intimate and painful event.

After my miscarriage, I was often upset by the insensitive remarks that people made, often with good intentions. But the worst thing? So-called friends of ours that heard about the miscarriage and never said a single thing about it to us. During the miscarriage I was very, very ill and DH sent out a quick message to family and friends with an update. Some people were great, and some made hurtful comments in an attempt to "support" us. However, I could deal with things like, "You can try again later" or "There was probably just something wrong with the baby". But the people who never responded, and never mentioned it, were the worst. Not having it acknowledged by people who knew about it, especially people that we considered friends, was one of the most painful things I had to deal with. I don't think I can ever truly get over that and once again consider those people as friends.

Everyone is different, but I would suggest treating your co-worker in the same manner that you would treat any other co-worker dealing with a loss, just with a little more sensitivity to the situation.

kwannabee · 08-27-2007, 10:52 AM

HI again. i was actually thinking about you on the weekend

it occured to me (and a pp actually touched on the subject just above) but one of the hardest things for me to deal with was people 'trying' to be supportive, but in actual fact making me feel worse. the biggest topic was about God.

i'm not a totally religious person, i dont go to church every sunday and i cant remember all the words to The Act of Contrition (much to my Godmothers dismay) but i did rely alot on my faith when i lost aimee and dana. when the time came for the docs (and med residents, nurses and a few students) to come to my room and snap me out of my insane hope that everything would be okay - i remember saying to God in my head - please hold their hands - take care of my girls - i'll give them back to you

-it was that final moment of acceptance that they would die that was the biggest hurdle, i never felt so alone in my life as i did at that moment...

and so later when people said to me -'it was Gods will' or it was Gods plan -or it was meant to be 'or God has His reasons....whatever...all that did was make me feel even more alone and punished by the universe - that God was not my saviour but my enemy - it was HIM that took my girls - any any relief i may have felt was shattered when i felt like i didnt have Him on my side either.

i know this is very deep - like i said i dont even own a bible but i do believe that my girls are in Heaven. What im trying to say basically - is that when you offer support - try not to offer a reason, religious or otherwise. As far as mommy is concerned - there is NO reason for losing your baby, and its not fair or right regardless - because when you say something that you think is supportive - and she doesnt agree with you or cant accept that point of view- it makes her feel worse - guilty even- I like a terrible person for being angry with a friend who was trying to be supportive but in actuality is just not. Theres enough guilt to get over - for me that just put me over the edge...

any way this is just my opinion and dont mean to offend anyone- but like i said i thought about it alot this weekend - and well, i just had to get it out.

i hope all is well with your friend...

chrissy5828 · 08-27-2007, 11:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Isaiahsmommy

I think sending flowers is a good idea. It will let her know that there are those who care without being intrusive. When she returns I would just treat her normally. If she is a private person it would be best not to talk about it unless she brings it up. I know that when I went back to work after a miscarriage people acted so strange and were "walking on eggshells" around me. It really annoyed me. Anyway, HTH!

I completely agree 100%. My work sent flowers to me and waited for me to bring it up.

myrosepetal · 08-27-2007, 03:41 PM

kwannabee----I agree with you completly. I too am not extremly religious but I do believe that my babies are in Heaven, and I too have asked God to take care of them until I get there. The worst for me was when my MIL told me that God didn't think it was the right time for us to have a baby. All the while her youngest daughter which is unmarried, no job and on drugs just had her 3rd child in 4 years, but I am not ready according to her.

Even for those of you that are very religious, just keep in mind that your view may not be the next and may also turn of you be very hurtful.