Can't contain my sadness right now...

R0xyg4l · 04-01-2009, 12:26 AM

Tonight, I just wanted to vent somewhere and figured no where could be a better place. I guess I'm in one of those "it's not fair" moods. I just thought about while I was pregnant this time I kept craving a lot of spicy foods. My DH kept saying "It's because you have that fiesty baby boy in ya". We would laugh and just kept thinking that this had to be it. I kept telling myself that lightening could strike me twice... but it totally did. I should almost be out of my first trimester but I'm not. In all reality I should be having a baby any day now but I'm not. I've had to suffer through seeing my babysitter who already has 3 kids pregnant with her fourth. When she first started babysitting for me we were a week apart... I was due a week before her. Now I see on her Facebook that she's due anytime now. For the past five months I've watched her tummy grow sometimes thinking that it should be me. Sometimes I was able to forget and push back the thoughts that about how unfair it was. Now who knows how long it will be before I ever have another baby. I went to take my doctor to the pedi today and saw and heard the little babies getting a check up thinking I wish I had a little one to bring to see how great they're doing. Of course I have my DD and I couldn't feel more lucky. She is absolutely my whole world. I just hate that life is fair sometimes. I should be making my husband a father again and my DD a big sister. Instead I'm sitting here feeling empty with tears stinging my face. I hope somewhere in the future things begin to make sense. Because right now I feel so lost.

I know other people have gone through a lot more sh*t than I have... I just feel like I've had something I want more than anything slip through my fingers multiple times. When I first started TTC I saw a lot of people here have had m/c and I just thought... I just can't imagine the magnitude of that. Just how horrible that could possibly be. And now reflecting on that thought... I so totally know how much it sucks now and I really wish I didn't have to know.

R0xyg4l · 04-01-2009, 12:32 AM

I was just thinking as well... for myself and every cyster who has ever had a m/c. I don't know if there will ever be that happy pregnant feeling. I mean I'll be ecstatic the next time that I get pregnant, I know it will happen again. But the fear of not making it to the end will always stay in my mind. I just don't know if being pregnant will ever be enjoyable. You know when most people think of you as being pregnant they think of it with a sense of permenance like in 9 mos you will be having a baby. Theres always going to be that uncertainty... that something could just go wrong at any possible time and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. I told my the gal the last time I was at the pedi with my DD for her recurrent sinus infections and allergy issues about how the MD would know that I had given birth and they told me what to do. Now everytime I bring my DD in (which I pray isn't as frequent as currently).. I know she's going to be expecting me to be pregnant... then you tell someone that you had a m/c and you get that sorta sad "I'm sorry" no one knows what to say. I'm sorry is better than nothing. But people just kinda don't want to talk about it, it seems. I think it's because a large amount of them can't imagine what it's like. Yeah if it happens once you find out a lot of people have had m/c. But when it happens twice they're really thinking you're screwed and feel bad for you. I guess I don't want pity... I want someone to talk to that understands. Maybe no one does that I know in RL. I just feel like this defected woman that can't carry a child to birth.

SheriKCMO · 04-01-2009, 11:38 AM

(((((Hugs)))))
Totally been there!

AnotherDreamer · 04-01-2009, 11:45 AM

Don't know what to say, except I know what you're saying. You are not alone. (*hugs*)

RunnerDuck · 04-01-2009, 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by R0xyg4l

I was just thinking as well... for myself and every cyster who has ever had a m/c. I don't know if there will ever be that happy pregnant feeling. I mean I'll be ecstatic the next time that I get pregnant, I know it will happen again. But the fear of not making it to the end will always stay in my mind. I just don't know if being pregnant will ever be enjoyable.

I know this feeling.

I had 3 m/c in about a year. Each one somewhat different. The first one, I went in for a scan and was told "It's too early, come back in 2 weeks." And I believed it. I believed I would go back in 2 weeks and there would be a heartbeat and life would be happy and that would be that. I went back in 2 weeks with my husband and my son and ... there was no heartbeat and life was not happy and that was that, or not that. I remember thinking, never in a million years did I think this would happen to me. Miscarriages happened to other people, not to me.

So we entered fertility treatment and cycle after cycle went by and finally I had a + test but the betas were so low plus I had spotting on 14dpo which made me think it implanted late - I felt like, I know this is bad, just let it end quickly, I don't want this to drag on. And it did end quickly and I was bummed it didn't last but happy it was over so fast we could try again right away.

So a short while later I got pregnant again... and the numbers were crappy. And my nurse kept saying, it might work out, it's early, blah blah blah... and I just kept thinking, let's get it over with, so we can try again. But it didn't end. The numbers picked up.. and I went for my scan at 7+ weeks and there were two babies... but no heartbeats... so I went in at 8+ weeks and there was a heartbeat in one of them... but slow... and I tried so hard to believe, oh my god, it's going to work after all!!!

And then 3 days later I started bleeding and went in for a scan and there was no heartbeat, it that was that. And it took 3 months for the bleeding to end and the whole mess to actually be done with.

So then I got pregnant with triplets and my doctors were very pushy about "reducing" to twins which was the most horrible ordeal I have ever been through in my life. I look back and I think, how could I have voluntarily taken on a loss, after all I had been through? Why couldn't I say, this is my reward, and hope for the best? But by that point in time, with failure after failure, I just could not believe it would all be OK - I could not believe it could possibly end well - I was 100% convinced if I tried to keep all 3 I would loose all 3 - and I was scared out of my mind and simply could not fathom going through THAT kind of loss. I had so much bleeding early in that pregnancy - every time it happened I would sit there on the toilet thinking - I could not handle losing all of them.

I was out of my mind.

Three miscarriages in one year. I guess that was my breaking point.

I went from being a woman who thought miscarriage would never happen to her to being a women who thought only miscarriage would happen to her.

I would like to try for one more child some day but worry that first of all it just won't happen... but then second of all I just worry IF it happens... it will be another m/c.

I had the repeat loss testing done and found nothing conclusive, which is both comforting and worrisome. Comforting, because there's more hope that way. Worrisome because ... you're powerless. All you can do is hope.

I wish I had some killer wisdom or advice for you... but I don't. But you're not alone.

R0xyg4l · 04-01-2009, 01:25 PM

Thank you ladies. Though I wish I were alone in this, knowing that I'm not is comforting. I think the vast majority of people I meet on a day to day basis have nothing to say to me, they just have all this pity for me. I don't care for pity really I just want someone that understands. Thank you for giving me that.

TTCTeacher · 04-02-2009, 12:29 AM

Roxy-I am so here for you. I know, youre so lost right now. I am too. I know I just met you and for a terrible reason we were brought together, but I am not leaving you. A m/c is a death-and you have every right to grieve for as long as you need. Your child(ren) have died, gone to heaven. This is the worst thing ever. IT doesnt matter if its 8 weeks, 4 weeks, 14 weeks or 36 weeks!!!! ( oh and yes I got the 'well at least it was early comment by more than one fking person so far)

Please let your sadness out-do NOT contain it. Take some time alone if at all possible so you can hide your DD from this horrible black hole of sadness.

When I got pregnant, after 8 years and every fcking thing you can do-I could NOT believe it. This was JOY! Joy I have never ever known-yes I have had great things in my life-but never the joy of having a child inside of me, conceived with my husband in complete LOVE!

Actually- I found out a day before I was going up to Niagara Falls to meet a cyster from these boards. The joy of the BFP and being there to share with my dear friend from SC-the people who knew I was pregnant the MINUTE I did, the people who have shared in my appointments, my fights with DH, my RE visits, my HSG, my lap/hys, you know MY LIFE! OMG I never could have imagined a better scenario-that is of course if my sweet SC friend was also pregnant....but she will be in MAY so its OK!

I talked to her that weekend we were together and said I know the risk of m/c, I know I am HIGH RISK. She of course talked me off that ledge and then the betas were AMAZING and PERFECT and so was p4. Then the first u/s was great-my DH never saw an u/s of a baby and we got a picture-he stared at it the entire drive home(30min). My heart was so full of love! A week passes and we are soooooooooo excited to see the baby-and in 3 minutes at the u/s table riding the dildo cam-our lives, dreams, plans, fell to CHIT! I mean I was planned for this baby-we had it figured out with my work and his and how to save what money and on and on. October was perfect for me, my life, our jobs, my DH's travel-it was PERFECT-no way could this happen to us-it couldnt be FATE.....not for us, right??

WRONG!

I went thru incredible sadness...................

Now I am flking pissed off. I did the D and C-I had to end it, I couldnt let the baby and blood go on and on for god knows how long. I feel robbed. I feel empty. I feel love for this baby. I feel pro-choice should not even be a fking option! ( dont hate me for that...I just cant imagine an abortion ever again) OMG who could do what I did but to a baby with a heartbeat? OMFG....But IM on a tangent...

Rox-you are NOT ALONE. You are stronger than you think. You have helped me soooo much. I think you were so strong for Jenn and I last week that now its your turn to care for YOU!

Perhaps a therapist would help you. Maybe you just need a friend who knows how you feel, can validate your feelings. Whatever you EVER need, please know you have a REAL FRIEND in me and I am here for you, whenever!

I pray for strength and hope to fill you!!!

R0xyg4l · 04-02-2009, 12:53 AM

Jen ~ You nearly brought me to tears as I giggle at the "dildo cam". Thank you so much. Sometimes I do just feel so robbed... so empty. I believe in karma, and though I am not a perfect person... I always have tried to be the best possible person I could be. It just doesn't seem fair.

I use to see a therapist and I am considering going back to her (I stopped due to insurance reasons, we switched and she wasn't a provider). She taught me a lot... but one thing she taught I feel like I really resent. She always told me about this book called "The Secret" that talks about the law of attraction. Essentially, you create your own reality through thoughts. I thought well hey, OK I can dig this. I thought positive the whole time I was pregnant. I kept telling myself that it couldn't happen again... but it did. I feel like she kinda failed me leading me to believe that and now I'm sitting here empty once again.

My DH is gone right now in NH, he has been since November, he comes home occasionally for the weekends, but this weekend he will be home for good after 5 months. He's always attempted to be there for me as much as he can through the distance and I've gone up to visit him many times as well. But nothing is the same without him around and I can't wait to have him sleeping next to me every night. He reminds me of the strength that sometimes I feel I have lost. I've been through a lot in this life, my childhood was completely corrupted, and I've grown and become a much better person before it. I love my life... but it's not complete. I'll keep trying until I have what I want. I just wish it didn't have to be so hard.

I'm so sorry we've met under these circumstances Jen. But having a friend is absolutely priceless and I thank you for being the friend you are and the one you will become as we grow together and get out of this ditch that life has put us in.

wannabamama · 04-03-2009, 11:17 PM

Roxy - You know that I understand what you're going through and can only say I'm here. Today was one of those days for me too. I just wanted to curl up and cry the whole day, but couldn't. I really understand where you're coming from regarding the next pregnancy - Yes, I will be happy, but always have that lingering though about "WHAT IF?" It's soo difficult because I feel like an alien. Besides DH, everyone else wants to talk to me as if my baby didn't just die inside of my for no apparante reason. It floors me and I don't know how to express my sadness, grief, anger, etc.

R0xyg4l · 04-04-2009, 01:10 AM

Jenn ~ I so know how you mean. After my first m/c I was like Ok how do I handle this? I feel so much but whats the right way to go about mourning all this. I don't know if I ever truly mourned like I should, but eventually it all caught up with me. A few months after the m/c in January I could have cried at any given time. It's a lot to handle... those dates that you keep in mind always creep up on you and you think "Oh I should be doing this today". I was telling my Mom tonight since I'm about to fly to Indiana to see her that on the Monday I arrive I may not be myself because it was my original due date. I'm happy though she's very supportive and just says "You have every right to feel sad on that day. I'm sad too, that was my grandbaby". I guess we just continue on and do what our bodies tell us to. Maybe there is no right way? Maybe there is just the way we do it and the way we suck things up to get by each day. Either way, I'm sure we'll both be here for each other through the rough and happy times in the future.

wannabamama · 04-04-2009, 01:14 AM

Yes we will. Some days are better than others. I feel it more so when I'm by myself, or especially at night before falling asleep. Part of me is becoming numb and not knowing what reaction to show/give at all

tcrock02 · 04-04-2009, 01:20 AM

Roxy i am sending hugs, tissue, and virtual chocolate your way. I wish we could just all wish this terrible pain away. Your posts brought tears to my eyes, It is only here that i can say what i feel without feeling like i have to watch what i say. No one around me understands what it is like to see a pregnant woman and want to just disappear. My DH deserves a child and i feel like i am failing him as well. GRRRRRR.....Stupid PCOS, Stupid hormones.... why cant we all just be normal? As i sat in the Dr's office waiting for my appointment Wednesday i could hear the doppler sounds of fetal heartbeats from adjoining and i just wanted to fall apart and die. Why not me? Why not us? Ok so what we are having a pity party. We deserve at that dont u think? I dont even drink but boy would i like to just be unconscious right now....

tcrock02 · 04-04-2009, 01:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wannabamama

especially at night before falling asleep. Part of me is becoming numb and not knowing what reaction to show/give at all

Amen Amen to that..... I am sure there are those who think we need to just get over it for heaven sakes----Well heres pie in their eye-lol... i will cry when i want(as long and the kids dont see-lol) i will eat chocolate when i want(as long as i am not trying to shed those few pounds to stimulate ovulation), i will have sex when i want( unless i am trying to let those spermies build up) ok so i will hummmmmm....ok ok i got it. I will get on here and gripe about what i cant do(LOL) cuz we are the only ones who appreciate our stupid sense of humor because if we dont laugh we willl cry ---ok so whos with me??? Anyone wanna SCREAM REALLY LOUD!!!

R0xyg4l · 04-04-2009, 01:29 AM

Trock ~ Thank you, I would love a drink too. I don't drink really ever but boy I could go for one. When I purchased the stuff from Wish Garden (the Welcome Womb) I got some extreme relaxer stuff mainly for the DH but I think I might slip a little into my drink too from time to time. I will never understand how all this stuff in life works. We have Octomom popping out kids like crazy and women like us are lucky to have any at all. With my last m/c I went to a friends house the day I had the D&C which also happened to be Halloween. We were going to take our kids out together. Well her SIL came in with this baby. She like lives at home with her mom, didn't tell anyone or even get prenatal care til she was in her 3rd tri, I don't think she ever told the father of the baby if she even knew who it was... and here I just got done with a D&C and how is it freakin' fair she has a baby and I keep losing mine?!? It just doesn't make sense...

Jenn ~ I think at bedtime is when it hits me the most too. Thats when I feel the most anxious. I just want to pass out and go to bed but my head won't stop with it all. I think it's the one time we're not busy and our mind kicks up all the dust.

R0xyg4l · 04-04-2009, 01:31 AM

Trock ~ I definetly want to scream really loud. And at times I want to break something lol. My BIL and I were joking once we were going to go to like Walmart and by a lot of cheap glass stuff to just throw it around and break it. I would LOVE to do that about now. I am not an aggressive person. But boy all this BS makes me feel like kicking or breaking something. And screaming like a banshee all at the same time.