Can't...stop....crying!!!!!!

Camisado · 12-19-2007, 04:16 AM

Well after 4 months of no period, I finally started yesterday, and all I have been doing is BAWLING and having anxiety attacks. All day long.

I'm not even diagnosed with PCOS, what the hell am I doing here?!

I have severe acne, no periods, then sometimes I'll have triple or double periods, and I'm an emotional trainwreck.

If the answer to my depression is antidepressants, well, throw that idea out the window. They always have adverse effects on me. They make my depression and anxiety much, much worse. I think I've been on all of them. Paxil and Zyprexa gave me seizures!

I'm on Remeron, which is an antidepressant, but I've been on it for 7 years and since my menstrual issues it's just not effective anymore.

The last time I saw my Gynecologist, I said, "Please, please check me for something. I feel horrible, I need to know my diagnosis. What if I have PCOS?"
She slammed my medical record file shut, rolled her eyes, and said "Look, even if you did have PCOS, I'd send you to a Dermatologist for your acne, congratulate you on your weight gain cause you were underweight beforehand, and tell you to see a Psychiatrist for your mental problems." She also said, that I'm not cooperating with their hormonal treatments because everytime I try a hormonal treatment my symptoms become worse.

MY DERMATOLOGIST TOLD ME TO GET A SECOND OPINION cause he's tried me on everything--even last resorts like Accutane, he's convinced I have PCOS. So what the hell is wrong with my other doctors?!

So what the hell am I supposed to do?!?!?!

I'm terribly addicted to a high miligram of Xanax, and my mother keeps telling me over and over again---"there's nothing physically wrong with you. It's all in your head, you need to take more of your Xanax."

MORE XANAX?!?!?!?! I need more Xanax like I need a hole in my head. I'm 21, why can't I live my life the way I had before this all started?!

I honestly think that I would rather die than go on living this way.....

I guess that is all...I see my Endocrinologist tomorrow, I'll let you know how crazy she calls me....

CBeverly · 12-19-2007, 06:51 AM

Please get a second opinion! Even if you don't have PCOS, maybe they can find something to help you fell better on a day to day basis. Please just take one day at a time.

ivetastedflight · 12-19-2007, 01:40 PM

Or one minute at a time if you need to.

I have high hopes for your Endo appointment, and I hope that you don't walk away disappointed.

I'm not trying to be insensitive, but have you seen a psychologist lately? My anti-depressants were having the adverse effect because I have Bipolar Disorder.

I'm crying a lot lately, too, so I want to give you an e-hug.

*hug*

I hope you feel better soon.

thincyster85 · 12-19-2007, 01:40 PM

Get a new gyn pronto! And tell the new one you would like to see a specialist or endocrinologist. There you'll get your diagnoses. I've hit the roadblocks too. Hang in there.

Turtlegirl68 · 12-19-2007, 04:57 PM

That's horrible, don't let people tell you it's all in your head! Fight for answers and in the mean time....take a long hot bubble bath and try not to stress, that's so bad for your health. Take care and I hope that you find some answers soon!! Hang in there and we are all here for you!!

calmwaters · 12-24-2007, 09:12 PM

I have a friend who went through similar symptoms to yours and she is also very thin and small framed. She has not been diagnosed with PCOS (nor had a work-up), but does have hypothyroid. Have you had your thyroid checked? You should read up on it if not, and see if you identify...

http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com...alth/articles/

nanciedrew · 12-26-2007, 10:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Camisado

I'll let you know how crazy she calls me....

I too was told over and over and over again that I had to just shape up and eat better and exercise. It took me 13 years to get the right diagnosis. Now that I know what I am dealing with I feel like I have some measure of control. Hang in there and keep trying different doctors until you find one with an answer. To me it sounds like it could be a lot of things, PMDD, PCOS, Allergy, bi-polar depression, cyst, tumor, thyroid malfunction, adrenal malfunction, etc.

While its true that there are very little treatment options for PCOS, its refreshing to at least know you aren't crazy.

One thing I learned is that a good Doctor who doesn't know what to do next will say: I'm not sure what's wrong with you, but lets try to figure it out together, here is a referral to someone who may know more.
A bad Doctor who doesn't know what to do next will say: Its all in your head

I just finished a class on dealing with chronic illness, and whatever you have is a chronic illness reguardless of whether it has a name or its just something doctors can't readily identify, and what I have learned has really helped me. Here is a summary I wrote on another post:

I am currently taking a class that teaches people how to live with chronic illness. Here are a few jewels I learned for coping with such experiences:

First, what you resist persists. As long as you are "fighting" the illness the illness will get worse. Sounds counterintuitive doesn't it. I use this image, say you are in a dry riverbed (life). You want to go to a place upstream (where you think you should be). Then a downpour happens and there is massive flooding (illness). If you keep struggling to get upstream to where you think you should be you will either be stuck in the same place or get exhausted trying and drown. If you let go and embrace the stream and float down river you will eventually have a chance to get to the shore. You will have energy to rescue yourself when you have that chance. The ride down the river may be scary and unknown, but look at it as if its an adventure. The place you end up may not be where you thought you should be but maybe its just as good, better, or where you should have been all along.
OF course this does not mean you shouldn't take care of yourself and do whats best to keep yourself healthy. You have a responsibility to "show up".
Using the same example as above if you give up you drown. Your job is to keep yourself afloat, but not to struggle doing it. So easily take your meds and schedule doctors appointments and do what you need to do. It is not worth the stress and struggle to fight the whole thing and it gets you nowhere.

Stress and judgement flood your body with bad neural peptides and will only make you worse. Learning not to judge things as good or bad is difficult for me. Just keep telling yourself it is what it is, its neither good nor bad. There is a good story that illustrates this. The story is too long to type but a part is that a man relied on his son to help him work his farm. One day the son broke his leg and could no longer help. Society judged the situation and told the farmer, "that's terrible that your son broke his leg, now not only can he not help you on the farm but you have to take care of him as well." the farmer responded "maybe it is and maybe it isn't". The next day the army came to town and took all able bodied men to go fight in a war. The farmers son did not go because he had a broken leg. The townspeople said "You are so lucky your son broke his leg and you are not losing him to the war" The farmer replies "maybe it is and maybe it isn't". More things happen and you learn that events in life shouldn't be judged as good or bad, they just are.

Fallow time is valuable time. I stress that because I can't do a lot of the things I used to be able to do I'm less of a person. This is especially true when I either feel like I'm holding a group back because I have to sit and rest my back and when I have bad brain fog. This is untrue. Winter is the fallow season and its just as important as all the others. Without it we wouldn't have spring or summer. People will die faster without sleep than without food. It is very important to rest, even if the timing seems unconvient.

Your most important job in life is to take care of yourself. This one is difficult for me as I always want to take care of others first. The problem is you can't help others if you aren't okay. Examples I like to think about are that the heart pumps blood to itself before it pumps blood to the rest of your body. If your heart wasn't nourished, it couldn't feed the rest of your body. Additionally there is the Oxygen mask analogy. When on a plane, if the oxygen masks drop put one on yourself before you put one on your child. You can't help your child if you are unconscious or dead.

Mind control. Okay so you get the above lessons but how do you implement them?

Remember the examples and reassure yourself that they are correct.
Meditate and learn to quiet your mind. When I'm wound up and stressed I try to think of nothing but a ball of yarn unwinding. When other thoughts break in I mentally say "thank you for informing me, but I need to take care of myself first. I will talk to you later" and get back to the image you select. Also works: counting to ten over and over again, pay attention to your breathing, etc. You don't have to spend a lot of time doing this, just 5 minutes is enough
Mantra: Have a saying or affirmation that will bring you back to feeling centered when you get freaked. Mine currently is "I am stainless steel, difficult to break or damage and completely non-reactive" Its silly in a way but it reminds me not to judge and take things to seriously. There are also religious ones like short prayers. AA uses the prayer of serenity (I think that's what its called?) to do the same thing.
Have a safe place to go. Think of a memory that makes you feel happy and centered. Whenever you get really stressed think about that memory for 20 seconds. It is usually enough to snap yourself out of the downward spiral.
Realize that while you may not control what happens to you, you control the experience. You can reframe an experience into being good or bad, stressful or easy, fun or painful. One way to practice is take an object, say a candy bar. make it a good thing. think of how delicious it is, how melty the chocolate is, how it coats your tongue. Then make it a bad thing, its high carb, the sugar is terrible for your health, it will only give me a short buzz and then its over, I'll regret eating it. Both ways its still the same candy bar. It is what it is.
Disassociation - remove yourself from the experience. This includes your own mind. When your mind is judgeing things right and left and going over lists of what you need to do and how you aren't good enough because you are sick, treat your mind like a puppy you are training that you really love. Acknowledge "hey look at what my mind is doing" then take your mind and say no don't think like that anymore, this is better.

Fill up with the good! Now that you are ridding yourself of negative thoughts, judgements, and bad habits you have a vacant space to fill. If you don't fill it the bad stuff creeps back.

Focus on what you are doing right not what you are doing wrong. They did a study on "terminal" cancer patients. One group was left alone, the other received counseling to change their thought patterns toward focusing on what is right and healthy with them instead of the cancer. I don't remember the numbers but I think it was like a third of the "terminal" cases went into remission, a third lived much longer than the doctor predicted, and the remaining third experienced a much higher quality of life for their remaining days.
Spend time in nature. Really its so healing!
Be mindful. Stop trying to multitask and focus on the now, the current experience you are experiencing right now.
Write. Journal about what you would really like your life to feel like right now. Write it as though you were experiencing it.
Play. Make lists of fun stuff you want to do and do it. Be goofy and silly! Define what play is for you and make time for it!
Develop good routines. Self care and care of home are key to success in anything. A good website for keeping you on track in this area is www.flylady.net. Of course its free. Half of living well is showing up. Showing up means being prepared to accept the good when the opportunity presents itself. That means, having a clean house ready to invite people in, being dressed and ready to go even if you think you are just staying home, being well rested, having the right wardrobe that makes you feel pretty and empowered, having a calendar of some sort to keep your schedule, havinging a system to pay bills and keep track of expenses, and having an emergency plan. Decipline of routines = freedom, peace and opportunity.
Turn off the TV. TV is a constant drain on your senses and your energy. Plan to watch certain programs that support and fulfill you (not the news - get that from the internet) and then turn it off and instead put on some music or just enjoy the quiet. Its amazing how much more you get done too with the TV off.
Watch Funny Tv and Movies. A good laugh is indespensible. I have heard of people curing their cancer through laughter. Laughter is the best medicine.
Have Faith. Fear is misplaced faith. Find something to have faith in and think of that where you used to think of stressful or scary things.

Anyway I know this is long and it bearly scratches the surface of what I am learning, but I hope this helps! I also have to remind myself that its something that needs practice, so I am always practicing on getting better about how I think about and handle myself with PCOS, mostly without judgement - LOL.

Anyway I hope this helps. Its so hard fighting for a diagnosis.
Good luck!

Nan

weemes · 01-04-2008, 01:52 PM

Nova: You there? How did it go at the doctors?

isenephthys · 01-10-2008, 08:51 AM

how are you feeling? i hope your appointment went well.

i don't have much to add to what has already been said, but i am really aching for you. i hope you get a new gyn and that something starts working for you. soon.

junior_j · 01-11-2008, 08:31 AM

Hope ur appointment went well and u are now a happier person
Jess x

isenephthys · 01-12-2008, 08:13 AM

how are you feeling?

calmwaters · 01-12-2008, 05:04 PM

Nova- how are you? NancieDrew-that post was just awesome!

Camisado · 01-12-2008, 07:51 PM

Well, the reason why I was depressed beyond all reason (to the point of seriously, legitimately wanting to die), was because I was PMSing. Unfortunately the horrible feelings didn't go away until 2 weeks AFTER my period ended. I began to feel great. My acne cleared up. A week later my acne returned and now I feel like utter crap again.

I'm not on the suicidal range anymore tho, thank God!! lol I just feel like crap. Maybe I'm ovulating or something....

Hmmm.....time to start looking for a way to stop my periods altogether. Can't stand this crap!

Bellakins · 01-16-2008, 02:23 PM

I'm a college kid too Nova, and I'm trying to figure this **** out too, my endo appt is Feb 4th, it's the only time i could get in.. so kinda hanging on by a thread till then...

I feel so awful all the time some times.. like all i wanna do is cry. Somedays just the smallest thing can make me just break down in to tears.. today is one of those days for me. I'm trying to figure every thing out too.. it's an awful feeling.. but if you ever need some one to just shoot the breeze with I'm around! Hopefully we both can pull through this!!

isenephthys · 01-18-2008, 07:02 AM

*hugs* glad things are slightly better. you might want to ask your gyn or psychiatrist about pmdd- it is a very real disorder that can cause some imbalances situated around your cycle. meds can help.