Can't stop crying

JaneR · 02-16-2003, 06:32 PM

I feel so alone right now. I miss my dad (step-dad actually, but we were very close). He died 5 years ago and I think of him every day, but sometimes I really miss the fact that there is no one to give me a hug and make things okay again. Life just sometimes seems so hard. I am lucky in that I have a wonderful son who is 3 1/2 but he is going through a stage of pushing the boundaries and I have had to be really hard with him tonight, sending him to bed without a story or a cuddle and listening to him cry himself to sleep, but he needs a bit of tough love right now because he is getting away with everything and becoming a total nightmare. But I have been alone for a long time (since my son was 3 months old) except for a few dates and one 6 week relationship.

Anyway, I've no dad (my real dad died when I was 17), no uncle, no grandfather and although I have two brothers they live over 200 miles away and one of them won't speak to me at all (no clear reason why except we didn't get on as kids) and my other brother will only talk to me occasionally if I phone him but won't see me in case it upsets the brother who doesn't speak to me!! Point is I don't have anyone who I can call on to help when things go wrong. If the car has a fault, a door falls off its hinges, a radiator leaks, a washer needs fixing and all these things seem to happen at once. I know I'm not incapable, I always manage to get the things done either by calling an expert or doing it myself, but I'm tired of coping alone all the time. My mum is nearby but she isn't the sort to give me a hug and when I say about being alone she just says that she is alone as well and it is better to be alone than allow someone into my son's life that he might get attached to and then lose when the relationship fails. So I can't talk to her.

I know I'll never have another lover - I never could attract a decent man and whilst settling for second, third or even fourth best might be okay for just me, it's not okay for my son. And I really only do get the scum of the earth. On the odd occasion I have dated a nice guy, they've soon run a mile. I'm not good enough for them or they want someone who doesn't have a child, or they want children themselves and I can't give them that.

Tonight, I just wish my dad was here to give me a hug and tell me that everything was going to be okay. Pathetic for a 36 year old Compliance Manager for a major bank in the UK!! But my dad could always make me feel safe, like I was special, worth something. Knowing that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life is really hard to deal with sometimes but I know I've just got to get on with it.

Sorry for rambling, I just didn't have anywhere else to go with all this.

helenquinn · 02-16-2003, 07:01 PM

Hi Jane,

so sorry to hear that you are feeling down. This weekend is my dad's anniversary - 17 years so I know how you feel.

I feel your pain Jane but dont despair somewhere out there your soul mate is waiting for you. He is - you just have to find him.

I hope you realise that we your Cysters are always here for you if you ever want to talk!

Helen

JaneR · 02-16-2003, 08:03 PM

Thanks Helen. I really do appreciate the support from the cysters on here. I often wonder how I coped before I found this site.

Unfortunately though, I don't believe I will ever find my soul mate. I believe I had my soul mate in my first husband, but he was overtaken by alcoholism and as the violence escalated and he still couldn't see the problem, I had to leave.

I guess it doesn't help that my son is at the age when they start asking questions. He asked me if his daddy was dead, like mine. I had to say that no, he wasn't but that he just didn't see him. It's not that long ago that I had to try and explain to him what a "daddy" is as he has never known one. Now we are starting with the "uncles" and "aunts" and "granddads", etc. He only has me and my mum, who he calls Dorothy because she doesn't like to be called mum, grandma, nan or anything like that (I've always called her Dorothy as well). It is just one of those times when everything is crowding in on me, making me feel very isolated.

Thanks for being there - I do appreciate it.

Lendi · 02-16-2003, 08:37 PM

Jane, it really sounds as though you are going through a really tough time. I'm so sorry you are hurting. I wish I could reach out and give you a hug, but not only can I not, it wouldn't be the same anyway. Before you go much farthur, please sit down and make a list of all the wonderful things about yourself. I know you have many good qualities. I can read them in your post. You must love yourself before you can have a strong and healthy relationship with someone else. And, there is someone there. It's just not the time yet. Learn to be your own family and love yourself. And you will find that others will feel the same way. I'm proud of the way you are raising your son. It takes a very strong woman to be able to correct their child, then be sad because they had to. He's very lucky to have you. Take care. Keep us posted. Hugs, Lendi

santa'sbaby · 02-16-2003, 09:09 PM

Awwwwwwww Jane I am so sorry that you are going through such a crappy time right now. As women we have to juggle so many roles in life. We are mothers, employees, teachers, cooks, cleaners, nurses. It's a struggle to be everything at once. So it's no wonder that you are looking for a little comfort from your busy life. I don't care what your job is at work, that does not deny you the rights that basic humans need, comfort, understanding, acceptance and love.

I am sorry that I do not have the answer to your soul mate struggles. I know that I have been chewed up, spit out and used and abused by men. You are worthy of so much more, and it exists for all of us. I am not going to preach here but if it was not for the internet, I would not have found my man. I don't know if this is something that you have considered but I thought that I would throw that out there.

Please lean on us when you need to. We are here, we understand and we care. I would like to know how you are getting along. Please keep us posted!

Love,
April