Can't stop crying (pregnancy mentioned)

VivC · 10-02-2005, 04:23 AM

I couldn't decide for awhile whether to post this here, or on the depression board, since my current pregnancy is mentioned. I finally decided that you would understand more than anyone else. Forgive me - I'm probably going to ramble.

I've been thinking of Rivi constantly this week. I keep picturing the tubes going into him, the squeaky cry he made when he exhaled his last breath. His first birthday is Thursday. And I keep thinking of Renee, who doesn't have the support system I have - Daniel's birthday is Tuesday. And there are so many sad anniversaries coming up for so many of us here.

I've been angry with God again lately. I guess part of me believes the stuff the church/hubby/MIL fed me about me not having faith, it being my fault Rivi died. Because I'm terrified that God will be angry that I'm angry, and that he'll punish me by taking Smoochie away, too. I couldn't live through that.

Hubby has been pushing me to go back to that church, he's been watching those evangelists on tv again - and I'm pulling away so hard. I TRIED all of that before, and it didn't work. It's like even letting the slightest bit of that back into our lives will give us the same outcome this time.

I honestly feel that Rivi had something to do with Smoochie coming along now. Somehow, he knew it would get this bad, and he prayed/begged/spoke with God. All I know is that I am as depressed as I was when he first died. And if I wasn't pregnant, I would probably do something stupid. I won't, because of Smoochie. Killing myself would be killing him/her, and I couldn't do that.

I just miss my baby boy so much.

LaurAnnHere · 10-02-2005, 04:31 AM

Oh Viv, I wish I knew the words to comfort you. I wish I knew how to comfort Renee, too. Sometimes I'm surprised at how little there is to say, even when you've been there yourself. I guess having been there teaches us that there is no real comfort.

I dont' know what to offer except someone to talk to. You can call me if you want. You have my number. I'm up all kinds of crazy hours.

I think you should stay away from that church. The way they treated you is inexcusable. It is not your fault. You would have moved mountains to save Rivi if only that would have helped. You would have moved them with your bare hands, I know it. I wish they could see the harm they do. I wish your DH really knew the depths of your pain.

Lfgd20 · 10-02-2005, 04:37 AM

Viv, a big giant bear hug to you. I just want you to know that I am here for you too. I don't have anything but love for you, know that I am here and praying for you in this hard time.

You are so supportive to so many ladies on this board, it is our turn to be supportive of you. We love you!!

Kristi

Chilli · 10-02-2005, 04:52 AM

Viv (((((hugs)))) I can't say I know how you feel but I can imagine how it must feel.
They do say that your grief becomes strong (if not stronger) at the anniversary of the death of a loved one, especially the first anniversary. So I would say you feeling as sad as you did when you first lost Rivi is totally normal - it can't be easy.
I think that you're right about Smoochie, he/she came along just at the right time, to try and ease the pain you are feeling when you remember Rivi. Life works in mysterious ways and everything happens for a reason. Imagining that Rivi had a chat with God telling Him to send you Smoochie is a beautiful thought and you should hold on to that!
I will be thinking of you...and your DH and of course Rivi.. you just try and take good care of yourself and Smoochie ok?

omcv · 10-02-2005, 04:56 AM

It is ok to be angry, God is not going to be upset. It is all apart of the process. Your 'Faith' has nothing to do with Rivi living or dying. It is this imperfect world we live in and our imperfect bodies. Faith is what gets us through situations like these. Without it we have no hope! Go to church if you feel it will make you feel better. What is most important is that you have a support system! Keep strong for your little on her or his way. Remember God loves you and wants you to be happy.

Hayles · 10-02-2005, 06:53 AM

I have no advice hun I have ben thinkign a lot abotu my past losses too.
Big hugs & ya know were all here for ya

lifes2short · 10-02-2005, 09:46 AM

Viv,
Don't feel you have to do anything your not comfortable with, you will know when the time is right to go back to the church. Smoochie has come into your life with Rivi's blessing, one day you will be able to tell him\her about its big brother that fought so hard to stay and watches over you all and how lucky you all are to have him.
Bec

tariana · 10-02-2005, 10:48 AM

Viv,

I have no idea how you really feel, because I haven't been there, but I hope you won't mind me posting this in support of you. I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did with Rivi -- no one deserves that. I know that Rivi should be here with you, but I also believe that he had something to do with the new little one that is coming. That is such a blessing and I wish that the circumstances were different -- that Rivi were still here waiting for the new little one with you. But maybe, in a way, he is? If not physically, at least in all of our thoughts.

I don't know -- I don't think that came out like I wanted it to. I'm not very good at this. But just know that lots of us care about you and we don't want to see you be sad, although we understand why you are.

*hugs*

saluki_fan · 10-02-2005, 11:15 AM

Hi Viv.

Sorry that things are so rough lately. Anniversaries are SO hard. My grandma passed away on Palm Sunday 20 years ago, and I know that to this day, my dad (who has more than enough faith to go around) still struggles with Palm Sunday, even though he's very religious, because of his memories of that day.

This is NOT a faith issue - of having enough, or too little. Both good and bad things happen to people whether they have faith or not. To me, it's more a roll of the dice then a question of faith.

Please don't ever even think of doing anything stupid. (I know Smoochie is what is giving you hope right now, but I'm talking about in general.) I have been to 3 suicide funerals now (3 friends). Each one of them committe suicide, all using the same method, after a fight with a boyfriend or a breakup with a boyfriend. Each one of the wakes was a horrible experience, and the Masses were all tragic as well. (Each one was Catholic...so they had funeral Masses for them.) After seeing how my friend Danielle's dad broke down in the middle of Mass, and then again after seeing my friend Angie's sisters crying so hard they couldn't see to walk at her wake, I swore up and down I would never do that to my parents. Losing a loved one must be hard enough without having the knowledge that they did that to themselves. If you EVER think like that PLEASE call me...

kwannabee · 10-02-2005, 12:30 PM

Viv...this is so normal...and i know you'll get through it because you are stronger then you give yourself credit for...as for the church thing...like i said before...if its not comforting and accepting...then its not the right church for you. I cant remember the last time i didnt walk into a church except to light candles for my girls...bui i know i'm protected by HIM, not judged.

About 3 months after i had aimee and dana i heard a song on the radio that reminded me of God...had me pulled over in hysterics on the side of the road...but i was so angry with Him at the time i just know they were the words i needed to hear...and everytime i felt guilty being pregnant with Logan and missing my girls...i heard these words in my head...

'through the wind and the rain
through the laughter and the pain
Count on me...

'when life isnt fair
and there's nobody there...
I will be...

in a world of pretenders...
I'll be YOUR defender...
and when it all comes down...
I'LL be the last one standing...'

I pictured Him in my room standing behind me while i lost my girls...alone in a crowd but for HIM...and i havent gone to Church in years...its a building...an address...and thats not what matters...its the people who count...and the belief that God is with you not against you. Ive seen so many posts about this church of your hubbies and how they treated you...dont go back there. Be strong, and find the support you really need at the 'church' or whatever that holds you up...not knocks you over. Smootchie DOES have an angel watching over him...And Rivi is the best little angel there is for you...thats all you need...and i bet he's still playing with little Duckies

SheriKCMO · 10-02-2005, 12:35 PM

Viv, please tell Russell that he needs to turn off the tv and go to the church you found that you liked. Period. There is no reason for me to explain why you shouldn't go back *there* after what those people did to you. If he can't make this one single change for the sake of this child and his marriage, then he isn't worth the paper he's printed on. Another period.

Pregnancy hormones really juice up the emotional level. It's awful to go through your special anniversaries pregnant, but at the same time the new baby provides some hope for a better future, so it's a bit of a tradeoff. Just keep in mind that you might not be quite as bad off if you weren't going through it with all of the hormones. One thing about your loss was that there were several drawn-out steps involved as you had warnings and attempts at changing the IC situation and then birth (along with hope) and then the eventual infection and loss of Rivi the next day. Most of us don't have as much to get through.

We all want soooo much for you to be healthy and happy! Please call me to vent/scream/cry/talk/laugh/whatever you need. You've been through the worst thing that can happen, and here you are a year later, still on two feet, putting one in front of the other each day. That alone is enough to focus on and be proud of. During these hard moments, hold onto the fact that you haven't given up on life and the future, or you would already be gone. And now you have a precious chance at a big healthy baby, my wish for all of my cysters here. Your love, a mother's love, will get you through this pregnancy just as it has gotten you through this extremely hard year.
Loads of Hugs,
Sheri

Kristina921 · 10-02-2005, 12:45 PM

Just wanted to give hugs and support...you are always so supportive for us, please feel like you can lean on us too. I'm hoping for a very uneventful, happy, healthy 9 months for you and smoochie.

Pamela · 10-02-2005, 01:16 PM

What every one has already said!!
VIv, I agree that it isn't your faith or lack of that made everything happen. There really is a reason for everything that happens, although we don't always get to know WHY!!!
You need to tell your DH to BACK OFF on the church issue!! Be firm, be frank and tell him how it is and that there will be no furhter discussion about it!!
I'm so sorry you have to be goin gthrough this right now. I think of you often.
Hang in there.
Hugs!!

karynh · 10-02-2005, 01:34 PM

Big hugs your way!!! I am so sorry for your losses, and I hope that you will feel better. Just take life one day at a time ( that is how I am living).

Reebekah · 10-02-2005, 05:00 PM

Hi Viv,

I know what you mean about not knowing where to post things sometimes. I figure that even if I mention my current pregnancy, if the feelings or emotions that I'm most dealing with are about my LOSS, then the LOSS board is probably more appropriate and more people will understand. Yes, sometimes people here dont really want to hear about new pregnancies (and I'm SURE you and I both felt that way at one point too), you just cant please everyone at all times - so dont feel bad for ever mentioning your new baby here.

Birthdays and anniversaries are SO hard. I had a really hard time too. They are especially hard when you have a new pregnancy, because everything is filled with such mixed emotions. I know it's hard, but try not to let yourself cry too much or get too upset right now. Yes, grieve for Rivi, but dont let your sadness get the best of you right now.

Stick with a church that makes you feel comfortable....and that is OBVIOUSLY not your old church.

And forget about suicide....that is NEVER an option for you, no matter what....you need to make sure that you get to heaven where you can live with Rivi FOREVER.