Cant have one without the other...

kwannabee · 11-24-2005, 03:34 AM

...i'm not having a good day today

Christmas is coming...and all i can think of is my excitement at seeing my Logan experience his first christmas, but also the two little angel ornaments i had bought for my girls...little twinkle bells that will hang now in memory...not in anticipation like it should have been. I was taking my Logan bogan to see a friend today...i love him so much...with everything we did to keep him here i cant remember what it was like not to have him here...but i still think of my baby girls every single day...not one goes by i dont talk to them or wonder what it would have been like to have them here. I feel pulled in different directions... it struck me that everytime i start missing my girls...i feel like i am denying him...cuz without their loss he wouldnt be here...i cant imagine him NOT being here...and yet i want my girls too. I hate that it has to be one or the other...I want all my babies. But it couldnt have happened that way...if they had lived he wouldnt be here...and yet the love i have for him amazes me...i'm so blessed to have him in my life even though he reminds me of the life i missed out on with my girls...does any of this make sense

im so rambling here...my eyes are still puffy so maybe i cant see what i'm typing...sorry

ps...i'm sorry i know i shouldnt be griping...i feel for you all dealing with your losses this time of year...i just had no one else who would really understand kwim??

Bunnyscott · 11-24-2005, 07:59 AM

Kim I know how you feel.

I also know that you have enough room in your heart for all of your babies. The holidays are so hard when you've lost a child/children. I too have ornaments for my twins. We didn't know the gender yet, so I was calling them peanut and punkin'.

My MIL has a wreath with Christmas balls with the names of everyone in the family. I will be so excited this year to see Kate's ornament, but next to the joy in my heart will be the sorrow I've felt for the last two Christmas' that Jeffrey and Rebecca never got their ornaments.

I had the twins picture out the other day and I couldn't help but notice that Kate looks just like Rebecca. My babies are not all here on earth and at this time of year I can't get away from the reminders that we are a family of six, not three.

So I have some of the same feelings. Had the twins survived, or maybe even Grace, I would not have my Kate who is the joy in my heart and the light of my life. So this Christmas I will light a candle for each of my angels and squeeze my baby tight and be thankful she is here with me on earth.

(((Hugs)))

Reebekah · 11-24-2005, 05:16 PM

*pregnancy ment*
as i am about to meet micah, i am filled with excitement. however, i know that he would not be here if marissa and gabriella had survived. i am SO thankful and excited to be this far along, yet i know that i should have 2 little one year olds running around instead of getting ready to deliver my little baby boy. its so hard to be so happy and yet so sad at the same time. i too have angel ornaments, and i will think about my girls more than ever this holiday season, and that is OK. i dont think its denying anybody anything. i think it's probably especially hard for those of you who have your subsequent babies in your arms now, because exactly what you lost and what you should have had the past few years is readily apparent. i guess i should prepare myself for this for the future too. its just so sad and unfair that we have to deal with this....but we are strong women and we will get through this just as we have gotten through all the difficult situations since our losses. i hope you have a peaceful holiday season, and know that your little angels are looking down upon you and your family here on earth.

Pamela · 11-24-2005, 07:32 PM

I just want to give you all a huge HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
how terribly bittersweet....

heidi 1973 · 11-25-2005, 12:59 AM

I am right there with you all! Christmas season is very bittersweet indeed.

Kenny and Katie's 3rd Heavenly Birthday is Christmas Eve. I can't believe that they have been gone that long. Oh, how my arms long to hold them and my lips to smother them with kisses.

Kim - don't ever apologize for needing a ear to listen! We are always here for you, just as you are here for us!

Paula - have you ever talked to your MIL about having ornaments for Jeffrey, Rebecca and Grace? I think they should be on there with every one else! You are so right - we must hug our precious earth angels all the tighter!

Becky - you are right on the money. It is wonderful having our babies here on earth with us, but they are certainly a reminder of what we are missing out on with our precious twins! I love your positive attitude! Can't wait for you to have your precious baby boy to smother with love!

Hugs to you all! Wow - this has turned out to be quite a twin angel mommies thread!

Love you all!

lilalouise · 11-25-2005, 01:16 AM

Hey Kim! I wish that I had some wonderful insight or words of wisdom or you, but there really aren't any. You are not slighting Logan by feeling sad and missing your daughters. I know that whenever I am blessed with a little one, I will still remember the baby that isn't here. I am sure that it must be very bittersweet for you right now, but I know how hard you fought for Logan and how much he is loved. Feeling like something (or someones) is missing from your life is a fact that won't just disappear. Remember your girls, and hold on to your boys! (((hugs)))

Pam

P.S. -- I know that this message is rambling, but I know that you will understand what I am trying to say. (and I miss talking to you!!!)

kwannabee · 11-25-2005, 02:45 AM

Heidi, Reebecka, Pam ...Paula....i dont know which one of you to send hugs out to first...as usual you pick me up when i'm down...

I guess the only consolation i have is that i got to know the mommies of the friends my girls are playing with in Heaven...thanks again for being there...i know you understand...

Pam i've thought of you often too...i remember all the chats on the ttcal thread...i'm crossing my fingers and every other digit until you get that little one you're waiting for...it has been awhile!

VivC · 11-25-2005, 03:44 AM

((Kim)). The holidays are so hard. I know how you feel.

I'm trying to be positive for Smoochie's sake, but I miss Rivi so much. He'd be old enough to enjoy the lights, even if he didn't know what they were for.

Viv

SheriKCMO · 11-25-2005, 04:18 AM

Kim, my sweet friend,
It's just awful, no matter how you look at the situation. I am waiting for a day when my new babies are overflowing my heart with so much joy that I don't feel so much pain anymore, but the fact is that we have been "blessed" with all of our children. I'm glad that Mary Catherine came into my life, even though I've been in a lot of pain since her death. She will never disappoint me, we will never argue, she will always be a little light in my life, encouraging me to do good things in her name. Just like your bunch, I have them all, even though they wouldn't have all been here if the first had stuck around... to me there's no reason to be torn over them. The mom of four living children will have moments when one is taking more of your attention, etc. It's just realistic. You should just accept them all, love them all, and I know that they are all VERY fortunate to have such a beautiful person as you for their mother.

I'm so sorry it's so hard to get through the holidays, and I so powerfully hope that we all feel better with each passing year.

Love and Hugs,
Sheri

kwannabee · 11-25-2005, 03:23 PM

Thanks Viv and Sheri...i've been trying to think of what to do...last christmas was hard but being pregnant seemed to make my emotions stay in check cuz i was afraid to let myself get too upset...i was only a week or two pregnant...but this time...its like...whoa...i'm a total mess.

I want to do something special for this year...i just dont know what yet...i bought Logans first christmas ornament...a baby boy swaddled in a blue blanket made of clay...then right beside it i saw the same thing but it was two little girl babies swaddled in a pink blanket...and i lost it in the mall...havent done that in awhile...

sighhhhhh...anyway thanks again my friend...i may be on the phone pretty time soon having a fit so be prepared...thanks again cysters...

SheriKCMO · 11-26-2005, 12:48 AM

Kim, I kinda think I want a new ornament for Mary Catherine each year. We'll see. Good luck thinking of something special. ((Hugs))

saluki_fan · 11-26-2005, 05:18 PM

to all.

Alensmom23 · 11-27-2005, 02:46 AM

I'm trying to catch up, I've been away for a while. Sheri- I like your idea of having a new ornament for Mary every year. That was a tradition in my family that I am carrying on. We each a got a new ornament every year. So far, I haven't found one for Grace, but I did get Allen one for his frst christmas.
Those of you who have a baby now because of your loss, that would be a difficult feeling. You miss the babies you lost, but don't want to shun the one you have now. My situtation was the opposite. Allen was 4 mos old when I m/c'd, but I feel like sometimes I'm ignoring him when I'm thinking about Grace. Each passing week since she's gone, I realize I would have been that much closer to meeting her. It's very difficult.
Hugs to all! We are the best support system there is!

AvivaElona · 11-28-2005, 04:39 AM

Kim I have a "wouldn't be here if his brother were" child too. If Isaac had been born on his due date, Japhet wouldn't even have been possible, there is less than 9 months between them. I think of things like "well maybe both could have been premature but still been ok" or other ways that I could have both, but the truth is that it wasn't me that made a choice in the first place and no one is giving me a choice to make about which one I have with me now. It just is what it is, and they are both my children. Isaac has an ornament we hang on the tree, and we will always think of him as our first born, and I'll always miss what could have been, but Japhet is here now and its ok that we are looking forward to our first holiday with him, just as its ok that we miss his brother too and we'll probably cry when we hang up the ornament.

I think its just normal and inevitable that you will miss the girls and have joy for Logan and that sometimes you will be doing both of those things at the same time, and other times you will put aside thoughts of one of the children for thinking of the others. If all your children were living you'd do that too sometimes. Hugs. I hope the holidays have many joys for you.

Aviva

RoxieInPa · 11-28-2005, 05:27 AM

{{{HUGS}}} I too miss my two angels ... ALOT!! In fact Oct 11th was my EDD with angel #2 Bean. Nov 23rd a yr ago was my EDD for angle #1 Lil' Peanut. This should be Lil' Peanut's 2nd Christmas. Although DH's family (who NEVER had a loss) thinks I shouldn't be sad as I have one on the way. I KNOW that this child COULDN'T be with me now if Bean didn't become an angel. It doesn't matter! I want all three of my children! I have so much love for them. I had to spend both days, Oct 11th and Nov 23rd without DH as he had to work both jobs. My niece Punki Doodles came and spent the night with me on the 23rd so "Auntie wont be sad and alone" I am the only one who remember's the loss dates and due dates. WHy?!?!?! DH doesn't seem to be sad.... ever. Know that I will be thinking of you all at the holidays