Caught off guard

ArianC · 01-12-2008, 11:58 PM

I've dealt with depression on and off for a long time.

Since being married 5 years ago it has been easier b/c my hubby was there to help me keep it in check. I've learned when to expect it and what things trigger me. I know that the winter is so dangerous for me and to be careful and take extra special care of myself and my mental self during those months.

This year hubby is working an hour away from home and he has been working 10 hours 6 days a week. He's also on second shift and I work at a school so at best we get to check in with one another once a week.

Two weeks ago this depression just slammed into me. I've never had it happen like this and I'm just stuck now. Usually I see it coming. It creeps up and even if I can't stop it I can manage it and I have time for us to form a plan. This time I don't even want to form a plan. I want to just sit here with it and be alone in myself for a bit. I'm unhappy with our marriage and frustrated with our 5 year journey to have a child. I drink more often and I have pushed everyone away. It is so weird to be in this place again. I never thought I would find myself here but I am and I'm unsure as to what to do.

I refuse to try meds again. That was the worst thing I ever did and they only clouded me up so I couldn't focus on the problems.

It is so horrible to say this but I've gotten to the point where I would rather spend time with this other person than my husband. It isn't like I would ever ever cheat or anything. It is just that this person gets me and I enjoy our conversations so much. My husband and I are two totally different people and when we were really young that was ok but now I need so much more and I feel so guilty looking elsewhere for it. I know that some of my frustration with hubby is just the depression talking but still. I'm just so lonely and when we are together he isn't a very perceptive person so he wants to talk about him and wants me to pamper him. I get that he's working a lot and so I do but I leave the table empty handed so often.

I thought at first that this was just my hormones being messed up again. I had skipped a couple of periods and all my pcos symptoms were coming back. I started a few days ago and I thought "Finally! The light at the end of the tunnel." Wrong. I guess I'm in this for the whole train ride. Golly this sucks.

mummynootnoot · 01-17-2008, 05:43 PM

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way, i've dealt with depression & come through the other side but I still get my moments although I do think taking both amitryptyline and diazepam for other ailments help to keep me in check because they are also used for depression.

I really hope you come out of the other side, I know you said that you dont want to go back on tablets but maybe it would be a good idea for you just for a little while just until you feel ready to face the world again.

If you feel like chatting pm me your email addy or msn, whatever you feel like and I will get in touch. I would send you a pm but I havent reached 30 posts YET!!

Take care xXx

Betwixt · 01-17-2008, 10:48 PM

I want to say this, because it is something that scares the crap out of me, in regards to my own hopes, and thoughts, and possible aspirations.

I have a family history of crazy, my mother and grandmother both are/were just plain nuts. I don't know if it's genetic or just stuff that's happened, but I know I have my own hysterical days. I have been stuck in this nasty depression myself for a few weeks now, to where I'm near suicidal. (Not enough to call a helpline, but enough to hide in bed so I don't have to, till it passes.) I keep thinking, I would LOVE a child. I think of all the things I would love to share with them, and teach them, and all the family things that would be so fun together.

Then I think of my really crappy days where I can't even function at all. And I think, holy orange juice, what would it be like if the child was colicky today?? What if s/he wouldn't stop crying?? What if I just COULDN'T change a diaper, or feed them? Now, I know a lot of women say they muster up and can function more for the sake of a child, but these are my own thoughts and fears.

I don't know all of what you are fighting, but I know my own history, and it is FAR from pretty and pleasant. I know birth control helped me, but this is not exactly conducive to conceiving. Yaz seemed to be a miracle for me, because of the hormones not being all over the place. Especially being in WA, the fight against depression is even harder.

If it's issues that you are having a hard time with, I'm happy to share or listen.

isenephthys · 01-20-2008, 05:35 AM

i've fought moods and depression for years... if you need to talk i'm here.

i know it's hard to go on meds; until you find the right combo, it can be truly miserable. (i know- i'm still searching for the magic drug cocktail.)

isolation and lonliness can make depression thrive; it's ok if you have another friend who can be there for you emotionally when your husband can't.

have you thought about therapy? it's been a god-send for me. it can really help to talk your feelings out w/a neutral 3rd party.