A Challenge to DH's

BuckeyeJensDHTim · 06-04-2002, 12:55 AM

To all Cyster DH's,

Ever since my DW Jennifer Ann found this website, I have watched from the background, growing and learning along with her. Since the board has gotten a new look, I have been keeping an eye on this section of the message board with particular interest and I feel like I have something to say.

The attitude of some of the men who post on this board is at best unsupportive. When you all took your wedding vows you swore to love, honor and cherish your wives until the day you die. I have nothing but the utmost love and respect for my wife and wouldn't have married her if this was not the case. Also, if I didn't think that she was as beautiful as a Goddess, I wouldn't love her as much. To think that some of you don't feel the same way about your ways is absolutely horrible. As men we should be the protectors of our women, putting their needs and wants above all else and to think that some of your wives don't have the support that they need and deserve to live through this body changing syndrome is horrible. I challenge all of you to go into your bedrooms tonight and make love to your wives and see her for what she is: the most beautiful creature in the world, because if she isn't, why did you marry her? You must have thought so at one point in your life and you need to find that image and burn it in your mind and realize that she is still that beautiful women that you first married.

Just my thought. Tim

SoulHubby · 06-04-2002, 02:04 AM

Tim-

Welcome aboard, and thanks for a good and thought-provoking first post!

In my experience here on soulcysters, I've found that the hubbys and/or BFs of Cysters who themselves are active on the boards, tend to be the ones who are ACTIVE in their ladies lives and health. I find we tend to be among the most supportive as well. While there may be individual exceptions, I think that generally speaking, men who post here are very supportive.... if only by virtue of the fact that they're here.

I love my wife, and I consider myself the luckiest man in the world to be married to her. I thank God every day that we're together.

To the challenge end: I will rise to the challenge (um, pun intended) as I do most evenings.

My two cents--

-=\Eric/=-

DolciLady · 06-06-2002, 03:02 AM

Hi, Tim.

I do not recall an unsupportive post from a DH, ever, on this board, in any forum. It sounds like you're talking more about some of our DH's who AREN'T or WON'T join the site with us, that we ladies are asking advice for. Sigh.

Robin, Derek's 2nd wife, next to the TV

SoulHubby · 06-06-2002, 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by moonchildsDH
Who the He** do you think you are saying that we are unsupportive?

Just take a quick look at this quote again MoonChildsDH:

Quote:

Originally posted by BuckeyeJensDHTim
The attitude of some of the men who post on this board is at best unsupportive.

I'm sure that Tim didn't mean to imply that every guy on here is unsupportive. I understand your frustation with this post, however, and eagerly await a reply from Tim. Anyone who's been here more than 10 minutes knows you're good people, and that you support your DW. I know I do.

-=\Eric/=-

BuckeyeJensDHTim · 06-06-2002, 04:42 PM

Wow, sorry it's taken me so long to reply, but I didn't realize things were getting so stirred up here.

The main two posts that I wrote my response to were the first two responses (made by DHs) in the question about whether an overweight wife hurts sex drive. The first two men did say that they loved their wives, but admitted that their weight was sometimes a turnoff. THAT seems unsupportive to me, not to mention that it's mean - odds are that their wives will see that post at some point, and how are they supposed to feel? That they are sometimes a turnoff and not the "playboy model" that every husband wants? One man said, "I did not marry based on looks." While this is not saying, "I hate you because you're heavy," men are supposed to make their wives feel safe, secure, and loved...men should be turned on by their wives and should think their wives are beautiful. Saying that you didn't marry for looks is not supportive of your wife in any way.

Aside from those two comments, the majority of comments posted by men have been supportive, and I think that's great.

There are other things about the DHs of women on here that bothers me, though, specifically the comments made by women about their husbands. For example:

Several women have mentioned that their husbands can only seem to make love to them after they watch porn.
Several women complain that their husbands won't help them TTC by making love at the proper time - after all the pain and agony these women do just to ovulate, that's simply unacceptable.
Women have complained that their husbands don't give them birthday cards, encouragement, mother's day presents, etc.
One woman who posted on here today said she's the second wife of her husband - after the TV! That's horrible!

I would have liked to find links to these posts, but a lot of them live on the "old message board"...hearing the women tell about their unsupportive husbands in their own words is a lot more moving and (to me, at least) angering.

While I didn't mean to offend and upset anyone unnecessarily, I was hoping that maybe hearing my challenge would encourage some of the women who complain about their husbands to talk to them - and some of the husband lurkers to come out saying that they do think their wives are beautiful.

I just want the men here to remember that a lot of women read "our" board - from wives of supportive men to wives of unsupportive men to single women and even young girls - with a syndrome like PCOS that can do so much to hurt the self esteem of women, why should we fill this board with messages that only compound that fear? I firmly believe that all the women on this board are beautiful and deserve the respect and support of a good DH and only want the messages here to reflect that.

Lisa67 · 06-06-2002, 04:43 PM

OK.....So BuckeyeJens's DH beat me to the post! So, this is edited now.... All I can think about is that BEJ's DH is "preaching to the choir".

I just wanted to say that you guys are always giving great advice and asking great questions. The second post clarifying his position above makes it easier for me to understand where he's coming from. But, I think that most of the guys coming here are doing a SUPER job supporting their wives.

And that's not to say that all DH's that don't post here are not supportive either. I have one who doesn't come here, but knows just about all I do and supports me 110% on what we call our "Journey to Health".

My only complaint about the men on this board is that some of them seem to have this strange fascination with Britney Spears!

LOL

CTCyster · 06-06-2002, 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by BuckeyeJensDHTim
One woman who posted on here today said she's the second wife of her husband - after the TV! That's horrible!

Is it me, or wasn't that just a little "lighten the mood" JOKE added to her signature?

I only have one more point- even though it might not always be what the cysters want to hear, isn't the purpose of this forum for men to be able to express themselves? If this occasionally means complaining, I think they're entitled to it and should be commended for their honesty.

I mean, if we only wanted them to say only the things we want to hear, what is the point of the forum? How often do we all get to vent on every other forum? (Happily, though, I myself haven't noticed much complaining yet, if any...just making the point for fututre reference)

Thanks for all the support DHs/SOs/BFs...etc...

Just my $.02

Aimee

BuckeyeJensDHTim · 06-06-2002, 05:02 PM

I didn't think that the woman was joking. I could be wrong, but I just took her comment at face value.

Other than that, I can commend the men for being honest with their opinions - I don't think that it's either fair or supportive, however, to say that your wife turns you off for weight that is obviously beyond her control. Your wife is your wife, regardless of how she looks - any husband should find his wife beautiful.

And it doesn't do anything to help the women who read the posts and think, "Oh, I was right...he can't possibly love me because I'm so ugly."

That was my point.

Torie · 06-06-2002, 08:26 PM

Tim....I don't think you need to be so rude! LOL

To add another cyster's "joke" to your signature is about rude and uncalled for in my opinion, I'm sure it was a joke and instead of taking things at "face value", trying thinking first. JMO.

You haven't been here that long and to already start what has been started probably shouldn't happen.

taah · 06-06-2002, 11:05 PM

Ok, I think things got way overboard here. I don't think everyone should be coming down on TIM so hard. I think some people mistook some of the things he said in his first post wrong. I however, knew what he was talking about. I always did not like what the 2 guys had to say about the weight turning them off. And I felt like that was what he was talking about even before he said it. I also, knew that the tv thing was a joke but also knew it was said because it did bother the wife as well.

In my opinion, I think if you love someone, you love them as they are. I will not lie, if my husband told me that my wieght did turn him off, I would not feel that he loved me truly and honestly. I feel like making love between a man and woman who love each other is more than just physical. It is a closeness , a mental intimacy that draws you together from the depths of your heart and soul. It is more than just the physical act, that is just lust, when there is not the love between man and wife. I am sorry if you do not like my comments, but that is the way I feel. I do not want to be with someone I turn off, if he is turned on by someone other than me then he doesn't need to be with me. I love him for who he is and he should love me and accept me the same way. That is why it is called unconditional.

I also think that jumping on Tim after his first posting was not appropiate either, we are not trying to run DH's off, we are trying to more on here. I welcome all comments from everyone, while we might not agree with what everyone says, we all have our own opinions. I am sure alot of you do not agree with me, that is fine, this is my opinion and you have yours.

Terra

VitaBella · 06-06-2002, 11:13 PM

Terra,

I just wanted to thank you for coming to the defense of my DH - I had planned to stay away from the whole debate since I'm obviously biased in my opinion, but I really liked what you said.

From as neutral an opinion as I can muster, I think a lot of people did misunderstand his opinion and that Tim and I both agree with you...knowing that you don't turn on your husband would deal a major blow to a foundation of the marriage.

As you said it best, true love is unconditional - no physical appearance can change that.

Torie · 06-07-2002, 02:41 AM

Well you know what they say....

Opinions are like @$$holes...everybody's got one!

Moongirl · 06-07-2002, 06:31 AM

Hi Tim!!

I have to admit when I read your 1st post, I was a little pi$$ed off, because I think there are some great, supportive DH's here. I can see that this first post may have been taken out of context.

HOWEVER, your 2nd post clarified VERY eloquently the where's and why's of your opinions.....and I can say that I appreciate your candor, and that you have voiced your opinions in the face of some derision!!

I can say for myself only, that dealing with the facial hair and the weight is definately NOT enhancing my self-esteem, but I do appreciate the honesty that has been presented in these posts. I do think that a supportive DH would know that there is beauty beyond the outer! (As SHOULD be the case in any relationship and it works both ways!)

Take Care and keep posting.....opinions get issues discussed, resolved and we can all learn from each other!!

~Christine~

P.S. I really appreciate all the DH's that are here...it REALLY helps me alot to read ALL of your opinions!!

scarlet · 06-14-2002, 03:33 PM

Hi Tim

I have to say that your post was lovely. I remember the post about weight in the bf/ dh forum and I didn't like it. I told my bf about it and he agreed that it WAS horrible to think "at least my wife is intelligent, even though sometimes I'd like a playboy model". In general though the men that do post here are very sweet and supportive. I really wish my bf would post sometimes even though he is the most incredibely supportive man about my PCOS. I suposse you now know that at SC you have to be so very careful about what you write

.

Scarlet

MorpheusOB · 06-20-2002, 03:05 PM

I guess I need to read these boards more often. Since I was one of the original posts that Tim (and others) found objectionable, I'd like to clarify myself. I don't think it would be honest to say that anyone's partner turns them on 100% of the time. My wife is not turned on by me if I have been playing with our dog, or if we have both been driving all day and are tired, etc. There are simply times when we are not excited in that way by each other. Robin asked if weight was ever an issue, I said rarely it was.

As far as hurting my wife's feelings if she had read that post, I had a conversation with her right after posting it. It was a matter-of-fact conversation just about me answering a post. Nobody was hurt and I would have never said it if it wasn't something I could share with my wife.

I understand people feeling the way they do, on all sides. As I posted somewhere else on these boards, when I met my wife she was chubby, when I fell in love with her she was chubby, when I married her she was, too. I have always thought she was beautiful.

Thanks,
Tom