Changing names of older children... have you done it?

kimmy-ki · 03-26-2009, 05:02 PM

Just a question for those adoptive mothers who adopted a toddler or an older child. Did you change his/her name? If so, how did you approach it? Are there any adoptive moms who decided it was best not to change their child's name? Please share your stories!!!!

We've just been informed that our child will be between the ages of 2 - 5 years of age. We are open to either a boy or girl. We have names picked out but a friend on another thread asked about changing names and it got me thinking and wondering about the best way to approach this subject with the child...

TTCLadybug · 03-26-2009, 05:10 PM

If the child responds to a name already and can understand what his/her name is, I honestly think it is wrong to change their name. This is a child not a pet. If the child was under 1 year of age.. I wouldnt really see a big deal but older than 1.. I think you would be pushing it. PLEASE TAKE NO OFFENSE.

advising_lady · 03-26-2009, 06:23 PM

We didn't adopt but my parents were foster parents while I was growing up. Two of the girls were placed with the same family (they were sisters) and adopted. The adoptive family changed the girls names (they were 5 and 7 at the time). I have spoken to the one now that she is an adult and said she barely remembers being another name other than the one that her name was change to.

I have other friends who have adopted from outside of the U.S. and the children were over 1 and both families gave the children a new first name and kept their original name as a middle name.

I think it may depend on how open you plan to be with your child regarding the adoption. If you do get a 2 year old, they likely won't remember life before you but a 5 year old might. If you are fine with answering questions like "why was I called ___________ before I lived with you?" then go for the change, but if you're planning on not talking about the adoption much, I'd keep the name the same.

FWIW, I was adopted by my dad (still lived with birth mother) at age 4. I do remember bits of life before dad came into our lives. However, I was NEVER EVER allowed to ask questions about my biological father or to mention the adoption. I personally don't recommend going that route just because I think it caused me more confusion than anything.

HOLLAND · 03-26-2009, 06:35 PM

I know I've watched adoption story a million times. There was 1 couple that let their older child decide for themselves if they wanted a new name and they even let that child choose the new name.

~Traci~ · 03-26-2009, 06:36 PM

We know many parents that have adopted from China & every single one of them has changed their child's name no matter how old they have been.

We chose to keep part of our DD's name as her middle name (she has 2 middle names) which a lot have chosen to do.

ProudPCOMom · 03-27-2009, 01:30 PM

We changed our daughter's name but not our son's. Our son came with a name that we liked and felt suited him. Our daughter came with a name we truly disliked and really did not fit her, so we called her by a nick-name of that name while she was a foster child. So, she was her bio-name until 24 months (while she was with bio-family), she was nick-name from 24 - 34 months (while 'playing' with her and the new name the last 4 months once we knew she'd be adopted) and as soon as the CW gave us permission, we started using her new name full-time. She was named from a song - so we sang her that line of the song and she loved it. After a year, she no longer has a connection to her old name.

Many adoptive families change their children's names, several involve the children in what the new names would be. Most of the families I know who have done this have been for security reasons or to give the children a fresh start. Sometimes the child asks for a new name, they're usually older children though.

The most common way of getting the child used to the new name is to use it in combination with their current name, eventually dropping the old name. We however used a song with her new name in it and sang it with her often.

When picking our daughter's new name, we did run a few names by her - some she made a horrible face at, so I don't think she approved of them. She loves her new name and is very proud of it.

I think we had more issues from our family who didn't think we *could* change her name.

Susan

Calantha · 03-28-2009, 01:05 AM

DS came to us just a few days after his 1st birthday. He already knew his Colombian name, but we did change his name, keeping his Colombian middle name - which was the name he went by. DD came to us at 2.5 years of age. She most definitely knew and answered to her name, and yes we changed it. We kept her Chinese name as her middle name as well, and she still calls herself by it sometimes which is fine with us. We didn't make either change the minute we got them, we worked into it slowly. The first week or so we didn't use the new names at all, just gave them a chance to get to know us. When we started making the switch (after a week with our son, after about a month with our daughter.. we had other language barriers to overcome with her whereas we could speak Spanish to him!), we started by pairing the new name with the old name, so our son became "Samuel Sebis" (Colombian short for Sebastian) and our daughter became "Isabelle Caiyi". Again we did this for a while, until we were certain that they understood the entire phrase meant them. Then we went finally to just the new names. Our kids are happy and well adjusted and seem to like their names just fine. They both know their original names and we use them not only as middle names but also as kind of pet names. My son gets a kick out of it when I call him Sebis or Juancheese (his name was Juan Sebastian and Juancheese was a nickname the ladies in Colombia gave him for his big smile).

monimom · 03-30-2009, 06:10 PM

Our kids are 6,8, and 9 and we did not change their names. They begged us to let them. But when we met them, that is just who they are... if that makes sense. We did give them middle names and let them be part of picking middle names. Sometimes I think it is the best choice after you meet your kid. My son's name fits him 100%.

Aymen · 03-30-2009, 06:42 PM

I had recently had a discussion with my Professor about this same subject, because she adopted two young girls from Mexico and changed their names. I had been talking to her about adoption and the subject came up.

The oldest of the two daughters was 7 and the younger one was 4 at the time she adopted them. They both knew their names and how to spell them. She said she just took their first names and made them their middle name, and slowly started calling them by their new first names and their birth first names together. I guess the older girl said something along the lines of "that's not my name" and she told her that it was her new name, for her new life. She said something like, her birth mommy got to name her, so she wanted to name her as well since she would be her forever mommy. Slowly she got use to it and eventually they dropped her "middle" name. The youngest girl's new name is Belle and she went crazy happy because it was the girl from Beauty and the Beast. LOL It stuck instantly.

We are personally planning to adopt as well, and we are planning to change their names, unless we really think it fits them. I'm planning on using the way I mentioned above.

Good luck in whatever you decide!!

GoddessDanu · 04-07-2009, 06:26 PM

I don't see anything wrong with changing their name. If they're old enough to understand then you can ask for their input. If they're so young they're not even talking yet then maybe there should be a transition time between the two names so the child doesn't get confused.