Chem. pg

~Traci~ · 05-07-2003, 01:06 PM

On Friday the nurse at my RE's office thought that I had a chemical pg b/c my beta came back 12 at 14DPIUI. I went yesterday and the RE called yesterday afternoon b/c my beta came back 25. He said it should have been some where around 75. He said that it is a chemical pg and that we just let it take it's course. He told me to come back in on Monday for another beta to see if the #'s start going down.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to leave my house (even though I still have to go to work), I don't want to do anything except lay there and cry. I wish my body would do something. First it doesn't work right and here I think that this will work and now I find out my body still doesn't work right. Why is it so cruel to me, what did I do to deserve this. It's just not fair.

I guess I just had to vent b/c there really is no one that I can vent to IRL b/c only DH knew we were even TTC (except for my mom and I am not telling her anything about this b/c it would be too hard for her to understand). DH is going through his own stuff, he doesn't understand really either. I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to think the best like yes, I did O for the first time in my life, and yes, everything works except the embryo just didn't implant properly, and yes, the first month of Follistim worked.

The RE wants me to take bcp's next month after AF starts. I hate bcp's and don't want to take them at all. I had a horrible reaction to them when I was 15 and haven't touched them since. I even convinced the RE not to make me take them a couple months ago when we had to cancel the cycle.

I guess I'm just having a bad day.....

Traci

kcal · 05-07-2003, 01:16 PM

I know exactly how you feel. I just had a chem. pr in April. That was baby #2. It is so not fair and I am so depressed. Everybody keeps saying that at least you know you can get pregnant, but to me that does not mean anything when you can't stay pregnant! I really don't know what to say to make this better for you. I guess we have to believe that it will work for us one day. I was worried that I would not start on my own after this last pg and I did. (I was actually only one day late) You might start on your own you never know. Our bodies are so unpredictable! This is a great group of women and are here to listen to you. Take care, and again I am sorry for your loss.

sugarbug · 05-07-2003, 11:54 PM

I'm so sorry

~Traci~ · 05-08-2003, 02:21 AM

Thanks kcal & bug.

Does anyone know how long this usually takes to start? I still have all the same symptoms and they're 10x's worse than they were yesterday. I don't even have any spotting or anything. I'm just in a wait state basically. I don't go back for another beta until Monday.

I hate this not knowing

Traci

Bethany · 05-08-2003, 02:43 AM

Just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel, I've had 2 chemical pgs myself. It is so very disappointing, frustrating & sad

My best advice to you is: let yourself be sad for awhile. Let yourself take some time to cry & grieve this for what it is (a loss). The 2nd time I m/c I tried to be "strong" & tried to shrug it off, & it came back to bite me in the a**. A couple of weeks later when I found out my girlfriend was pg (same due date as mine would have been) I had a meltdown!! I think it was b/c I hadn't let the emotion out, I had pushed it to the back burner... but it has to come out sooner or later.

Along the same lines... I really think you need someone to talk to IRL. Don't get me wrong, I love the ladies on Soulcysters, they are so kind & supportive & informative. In truth no one in my life knows exactly how I feel the way these Cysters do & I am grateful to them. But that being said, I am very thankful for the support of my family & friends. I NEED their support.
Maybe you could pick just 1 or 2 friends that you trust & confide in them? If not, maybe you could go talk to someone? My fertility clinic offers a psychologist free to fertility center patients. I went to see her once after my 2nd m/c b/c I was so sad & it helped. It was nice to vent & she totally understood me b/c she has been counselling infertile people for 15 yrs.

One very important thing she pointed out to me -- & I think this is important in your case also -- is that our dh can't be our only outlet. Often men can't stand as much emotion overload as we can, but even if they could, it's healthier to not rely on one person for all your needs. I think I came close to "tapping my dh out"!

Again, I am so sorry about your m/c. I hope that you will feel better soon. Give it some time & try to enjoy where you are in your life right now. These footloose & fancy-free years alone with our dh will someday be a distant memory (I'm sure

).
Keep the faith, keep your chin up & don't give up!!!

shelby · 05-09-2003, 02:19 PM

I agree that you need irl support right now. I would pick some people you trust that you can share your grief with. Online support is great and we're here for you, but it's not the same. My mom, my bible study and my pastor were all a great support to me. My pastor even put me in touch with someone who had several mc's and she was a great comfort to me.

Sugarbug is right. With a chemical pg, it happens much quicker than a more advanced pg. My chem ended in just a very heavy period with more tissue than normal. I didn't realize at the time it was chemical so I don't know how long it took, but it wasn't long. My record show I had a 26 day cycle that month which was short for me. After, I never got a period again and ended up having to induce one several months later. While it's not unusual for me to skip a period, I had never gone several months so I think the pg put my system out of whack.

I only had to wait about a week for the 8 week mc. There however I had very very bad cramping and bled for several weeks. Again I didn't get a period so induced one 30 days after I had stopped bleeding. I was anxious to ttc again and wasn't about to wait around for it.

~Traci~ · 05-09-2003, 03:37 PM

Thanks. Still nothing going on. I saw a spot of blood on Wednesday night and I thought it was starting so I freaked out. Then I saw another spot yesterday but nothing else. I've had some cramping but that's it. I guess I'll just wait until I go back to the dr on Monday for another beta. It just doesn't seem like it's really happening or something. It doesn't seem real b/c nothing is happening. And no one that I talk to IRL will understand at all. The 2 girls that I work w/ know but they don't have a clue b/c none of them has ever had a m/c. The only woman that I know that has ever had a m/c is my MIL and there is no way I am going to tell her b/c she'll just tell me to get over it. I don't think she would be very considerate at all, that's just how she is. I guess it will seem more real when something happens. But this is killing me more b/c I know it's going to happen but hasn't yet. It's the waiting for something bad to happen that's killing me. I mean, how long can this go on??

Thanks again
Traci

cdcm · 05-09-2003, 04:06 PM

Traci...

So sorry you are having to deal with this... It sounds very hard...

I want to point out... there is NOTHING you could have done to DESERVE this. NOTHING!!!!!!

I also know that there really aren't words to share that will make the sorrow and pain go away... but try to know that it will...

I'm betting your body is preparing for the real deal in the future. Sometimes, when things haven't been functioning well in a while that once they start to... even that is a shock. Our bodies learn to deal with all the changes... but it's a slow process... too slow for our emotions and our hearts.

The few women that I know that have gone through a similar situation... all have gone on to have full term pregnancies... and in reflecting back... all felt that their bodies had finally gotten to a new place that had allowed for it...

Also... it's been about 12 years since you last to bcp's... so maybe there is some new science/new pills that you will do better on...

Hang in there... and be gentle and kind with yourself... you DESERVE that!

~Traci~ · 05-09-2003, 06:21 PM

Thanks cdcm. The whole bcp thing is just aggrivating me b/c my dr. knows how I feel about bcp's and he still told me that I should take them. I'm going to talk to him on Monday about it though.

I still have all the same feelings and same symptoms as I have for the past 3 weeks. Nothing is different. I just don't know what's going on. I'm trying not to get my hopes up but I just can't help it, what if the beta #'s jump really high on Monday and my RE was wrong. What if I'll be fine? I just can't help but think that way even though I know that it will probably be wrong and this is really happening to me. I guess I just have to wait and see.

Traci